ThickenedSkin.

Anonymous vent account! I dont need anyone I know seeing this shit! Nonbinary they/them From the UK. ✌ Most of my posts are going to be about my dysphoria, complaining bpd issues, and becoming more comfortable with myself. eventually. Feel free to tag along and follow my journey into the life of making my body fit my mind.

[thickenedskin]

Well fuck. Im back again.

Struggling reallll hard with my BPD fucking up my life. ✌

[thickenedskin]

I keep questioning if im really trans. Mainly because Im scared. To. Move forward.

Then I realise all I want to do is run away and live somewhere where no one knows me and I can begin life again and start transitioning.

If i could do that id start tomorrow. Id leave everyone behind who doesnt already know and accept who I am. And just live my life how I want to. Id start hormones. Id get top surgery. Id ask people to call me he/him pronouns even at work. Id change my ID. Everything. But I cant. Not with my family around. They wont accept it. I cant be me. Im running out of time. If i was a teenager id have so much time to do all of this. But im 24. I want to start living as the real me now. Can I just run away please.

[thickenedskin]

Aahaha yknow, I had an insanely good day yesterday. Like too good. And I thought it was either to make up for all the stress I'd been under the past month. Or that something awful was coming...

GUESS WHAT BITCHESSS

Life decided to bring that bad episode that I thought id avoided. 👌👌👌

But seriously.

Ive got BPD this could last a month or I could wake up tomorrow and not feel like this for another 3month.

This shits a fucking whirlwind.

[thickenedskin]

I get this constant intrusive thought when ever I'm having a bad episode.

'Hi. I wana die'

Just cherpy and unphased. Repeatedly. Normalising the words because its just said so upbeat in my head.

Just over and over and over whenever theres not something distracting me.

Its happened for about 4 year now.

It wont leave for good apparently. But when it comes back at least it makes me aware that my mental state isnt great. Obviously.

I just. I keep thinking that its over. That im better. Then it comes back like nothing ever changed. It keeps fooling me. Its tiring and intense. And when its gone im good. But when it comes back it makes every bit of progress I've made just feel like nothing. It picks fault with everything. It makes me realise that nothing is progress. That I've just had rose tinted glasses on. That im still the same. I still fall for things to easily. Think things are getting better too easily. Then it comes back and makes me realise that the field of flowers i was running through was infact just mud. That I've been decieving myself. Honestly i don't know if when I think im better is actually me being better. Or if ive just managed to be so dillusional that i think im better. Maybe thats more toxic than the way i am now. Maybe this is the real state. And my happy state is the lie. Maybe its all just a dillusion. Its all toxic. It's all wrong. It all hurts.

[thickenedskin]

Alot has happened. This aint an update. This is just me needing to vent in order to not do anything to myself.

I dont even know what to vent about. Its just a feeling thats sunk its teeth in. That feeling I cant escape. That feeling i was never able to escape. The one that lead me to take a blade to myself over and over. The one that feels like a lump in my throat. But not the kind of lump where Im going to cry. But the lump that makes me beg for a rope round my neck. Ive always felt this sensation. When this feeling comes around. The feeling of needing something tight around my throat. But it already feels like a tightness in my throat. Its as if its a desire. An intense desire to have something round my neck to the point where I can feel it there already. I cant take a blade to myself. Its been over a year since I done that. But every time I relapse. Its this feeling. Telling me its okay. That one time is fine. That no one will care. That no one will know. I feel lonely. So lonely. I want to be in that point of my life where i feel love for someone strongly. And its given back. Ive gone through the cycle of loving someone and it being so toxic. Then I had someone love me and I didnt love them back. Then I had a strong attraction to someone and they didnt feel the same back. Then I found someone who loved me but I forced my love for them.

I just want to love someone and for them to love me for me. I have found who I am now. And I cant love myself. I really do not love myself. Im confused by myself. I dont want to accept who I am because I feel no one else will accept me. Why is the only way I can be happy with myself is to go through this? Why does it have to be so difficult. So full of self loathing.

I just feel that noose around my neck. I feel the desire to just sit in a dark corner. Boxed in. Non existent. I dont want to exist. I dont want to be human. I dont want to have to live and function and feel. I want the feeling of this noose around my neck to leave. I want the feeling of my brain being crushed to leave. I want this stress and loneliness to leave. I want this desire to not be me. To leave. I dont want to be me. I cant be me. Im too tired. Too stressed. To reluctant. Too small in this world. But too big. I dont want to be seen. I dont want to be noticed. I want to find myself but without eyes seeing me. I want to be invisable and reappear when im happy. I want family to forget me. I dont want to exist. I am nothing. I am boring. I am. Not human. Im not interesting. I am not smart. I am nothing. I am not who i am. I am not a being. I am nothing. I float. I make no impact. I am no help. I am nothing to anyone. I make no impactful addition to this world. I am nothing. I am a ghost. Floating. Existing. Floating. Touching. But with no imprint. I retain nothing to share. Nothing to give laughter. To give happiness. I only offer hope. But that doesnt have a weight. Hope drifts. Hope disspears. I dissapear. I am not permanent. I leave no impression. I am nothing. I want to hurt so I can feel. So I can leave. So I can exist. I dont want to exist. I want to belong. I want stability. I want this crushing feeling to leave. I dont want to exist. It hurts. I want to hurt. I want to leave. Ill never live. I will never belong. I want to leave. I want love. I want embrace where I can melt and feel safe and exist. I want to feel like I am the light. I want to feel like I am that person that lightens up a persons day. To bring them laughter and a smile and knowledge and hope and love and warmth and just be thiers. I want to offer love and life and happiness to someone and know that I am achieving that. I want to be the entire world to someone. But I cant. I am nothing. I can never be everything to anyone because I am empty. I cant offer anything. I am nothing.

[thickenedskin]

Coming out.

So. Ive ended up having to come out to my parents. I didnt want to. Not for a long damn time.

Urg stress.

Ive came out to my mam. Shes more focused on the worry Im gunna end up a spinster. Rather than me actually being happy shes more worried no one will love me. Gee thanks mam.

Shes encouraging me to come out to my dad soon because hes really confused about why I'm dressing like a boy. Saying his worst case scenario thought is that I'm wanting to look like a butch lesbian.

My mams very focused on connecting my asexuality and my panromanticism to my gender identity. Im pretty sure she hasnt grasped the idea that Im trans masculine. And thinks that I just wana look more like a boy. Even tho I explained dysphoria and the gender spectrum to her.

She keeps saying that my dads thinking all sorts of things so its better that he knows. But what she doesnt seem to understand is that his worst case scenario thought is probably that Im going to turn round and say Im a trans man. And to be honest its really not far off. Im panicing like fuck because the way she's trying to comfort me is that once I tell him and he realises its not the worst case scenario he can stop worrying. But like it pretty much is wcs. Sooo I'm fucked either way.

He can accept im gay. Fine. But that isnt all that big of a deal to me. Being trans is kinda a bigger deal to me. Idgaf if he doesnt accept Im pan (or bi as ill have to tell them) buttt I do care if he accepts my entire fucking gender identity.

Im so fucking stressed. I dont need this. Can i not just fucking explore and enjoy who I am and how Im most comfortable without having to fucking tell my family. Like just get over it.

Plz.

[a-fucking-velociraptor]

original post [x]

[dajo42]

this is the happiest day of my life

[thickenedskin]

The ghost has returned to vent. Back after years of being properly active on this thing.

So hey. Im back. Its not like I have a following or anything but weirdly people have followed me since leaving this account.

Ive recently discovered Im transgender WOOOOO. Fucking wish I wasnt but everything I ever done makes sense now. Ive opened one massive can of worms and Im fucking drowning in them.

Ive come to realise all the hatred against my body. All the eating disorders and self harm and identity issues was all because of my dysphoria. And although its great ive discovered the true cause. There's no fucking cure. No cure to the shape of my body. Or that I still dont see the right person in the mirror.

I can feel myself come in waves drifting closer to shore then being dragged back out again. Each time coming no nearer to land.

Realising its dysphoria sucks ass. Big time. And its brought all the cravings of bad habits with it. I wana loose so much weight to make my awfully wide hips dissapear. I want to cut my skin just to mark it as mine again.

It makes sense why I always cut 'x's into my skin. Because i didnt want it. I didnt want my legs or arms or stomach or neck or any part of my body. I was crossing them out because they were wrong.

I spent years and years believing it was all part of my bpd. That I was experiencing dissociation. Although I always questioned why I didnt feel out of body. But more that I was trapped in a body I couldnt identify with. I tried different fashion styles and expressions to try and match my appearance with my mind. But it always fell apart. Nothing ever stuck.

Ive realised this since in the turn of 2018 I swore to myself I would no longer do things that made me feel uncomfortable. Starting with coming out as Asexual. Which then made me realise that Id been repressing my feelings for anyone other than men because I thought I had to find everyone sexually attractive. (Men were my default as a 'straight female' everyone told me I should like boys so I did.) Now Ive embraced my love and attraction to all genders and damn theres so many beautiful people out there. Once understanding I was Panromantic. Ive discovered the world of gender which I didnt even know existed. Ive gone my entire life never knowing there was anything other than male and female. And now Im in this entirely different world where everything is free and on a spectrum and I can be male and female and jesus christ that feels great.

So in the space of 5months (from when I discovered this whole other world of genders and sexualities) I have found I am asexual, panromantic and non binary. Holy fuck Im actually discovering an identity that fits how I feel. Now I gotta work on being comfortable with my outward expression.

Although I really love and support trans people in all their 'fuck gender roles' glory. Im really fucking struggling to embrace that as non binary I can look however the fuck I want. Honestly I want to look more masculine. Like a hell of alot. Shorter hair, deeper voice, killer jawline, NO HIPS! and Im getting a binder tomorrow!(funny story, I decided I wanted to bind before realising I was non binary. Being all like cis females can bind too yeah!? (Which ofcourse they can) but its definitely something I wana remember because no matter what I felt like I wanted to bind to look more masculine and be more comfortable in t-shirts and shirts before actually realising I actually felt like a male)

But yeah Im working on it. And Im really hoping I get to that day in years to come where I look at my stupid ass being a fucking dysphoric mess rn and think damn if only he knew whats to come.

I wanna be comfortable.

Im working on it.

[thickenedskin]

It's been ages since I texted you. I finished school in summer, figured I am bisexual and I have a girlfriend now she's a pure angel. She lives far away but we'll make it. I've been getting better and I hope you are too. -fc

I've came back onto this account after two years and it's kinda sad how I never found out who you were. I hope things got better for you x

[charlottewinslow]

[pure-hippie-vibes]

This morning on the train xx

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