The connection between physical pain & tension, emotional blockages, and clinging attachments.
This is knowledge I have realized and then forgotten, but I am remembering now again. It is not new to me or the world.
These last few days I've had lots of free time, some of which I've dedicated to caring for my body. In the day before yesterday I massaged my legs and face for quite some time. I even stuck my fingers in my mouth and explored the hidden reserves of pain in there. I rubbed my gums, hooked my fingers to reach the inside of my jaw, and pushed up into that crease where the cheeks and gums join together. If anyone were to see me, I'm sure I would have looked like a freak. Despite that, I'd encourage you to give it a shot sometime. You might be surprised at how much tension is held just within your mouth. And my legs? They hold so much pain. More than I realize. It's a numb, quiet pain that begs no attention until I poke at it.
So I poked. I poked and prodded, stretched, squeezed and rubbed, attempting different methods of releasing the tension. I find satisfaction in the practice of letting my hands explore my body to sense the skin, fascia, and muscles and find the pain points begging to be released. The tension that the body holds can be felt both from external touch and sensing one's own body through interoception. To the hand, tension feels bumpy and stiff - that's rigid fascia. Or it can feel like a lump - that's a muscle knot. Internally it might be sensed as an ache, numbness, or stiffness. Sometimes I look at anatomical diagrams of the muscle groups I'm working on to satisfy a curiosity and get a better idea of what exists just on the other side of my skin.
Since doing this self care work, I've found a poetic resemblance between the dissipated clenching of my muscles as well as that of my grip on what I desire, tell myself I need, and the feelings and emotional pains so familiar to me. Now, I can relax my jaw and feel less desperate to have him back in my life. I'm more accepting of my complicated emotional state and feel less of a desire to breeze through it and feel something "healthier." I can hold my shoulders upright and feel more steady in myself. With my body at ease, experiences can pass through me much more easily. When my muscles are gripped, tight, and unreleasing, I experience life as difficult to move through; I fuss over losses, struggle to accept truths, and perceive others with less altruism. The body is a channel that connects our minds and souls with the world around us. The ease and clarity with which things pass through this channel is influenced by the tension or lack thereof that is held in our muscles and fascia. Posture and personality are also just as linked.
I think the point of saying this and sharing it is to document this reminder to myself and share it as advice to others: when you are stuck in a feeling or narrative, tend to your physical body and find where your muscles and fascia are also feeling stuck. Emotions and the state of your body are directly connected. Emotional transformation can be assisted or even triggered with a physical opening. Massage, acupuncture, stretching and movement are great tools. You might need the kind of massage that is a gentle touch, mostly helping you improve your mind-body connection. Or maybe you need someone to stick their elbow in that hamstring knot that you simply can't get rid of on your own. Acupuncture can be deeply effective. I've only done it twice but each time I left feeling euphorically relaxed. Stretching can be a tool on its own or coupled with other tools like massage and movement. Just go slow and mindfully so you don't overdo it. And movement can look like a million different things - lifting weights, dancing, mobility practices, running, or somatically writhing on the floor. I think the somatic release of repressed feelings can be one of the most invigorating experiences. And don't sleep on the importance of breath work and meditation.
I find it both frustrating and funny how often I forget what happens when I consistently tend to my body and how much it effects me emotionally and mentally. Without the care, my chronic pain gets worse and I become meaner, less forgiving, and more irritable. But when I take really good care of myself, and I get better, I start slacking because I feel like I "fixed it" and there's no pain to remind me to take care of myself. But honestly I'm curious what would happen if I reached that point of no longer having constant pain, and kept going, trying to improve even further. What new level of experiencing reality might I reach?
Yesterday I was noticing these very brief moments where I felt like I was seeing things more clearly and like I was more real or more fully experiencing reality; increasingly alive. Perhaps I was coming out of a dissociative fog. This is actually what inspired me to analyze this experience more closely. The flashes of being more present were exciting, it was like I was fully awake for the first time in a long time. I know giving up smoking has helped this too. Weed puts me in a haze and even when I sober up it still takes so long to fully escape that haze. And then cigs just limit my lungs' ability to absorb oxygen.
But it feels good to realize this again. I'm excited to keep going with it, nurturing it and keeping the momentum for as long as possible again. If I forget again, that's okay. I can forgive myself and trust I will remember it again when I need to. For now though, I am happy to be in my empress energy. And I look forward to finding out what I attract by caring more deeply and affectionately for myself.
Much love, be good and kind to yourself and others 🖤
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