...and literally no one else ever @thingselainesays - Tumblr Blog

“Something something giant dildo”

# sexual depression pooping

I’d get married in a place called Pasta Garden

E: Cassie you should drink soup out of this mug.

C: Who says I don’t, bitch?

A hotdog is a very juicy meat

Elaine, justifying her lack of condiments

Fun suit fun suit fun suit! He is ~quirky~!

Watching Hannah B. greet her suitors

Do you want my jelly?

Elaine, after squeezing and scraping the jelly out of her donut

She didn’t buy it! And now guess what, Count Chocula has been sold out for two weeks now. But she sure got herself some Boo Berries real quick.

Elaine, relaying her mother’s betrayl

I do love a continental breakfast though. It's such a cool idea.

Elaine, because of course

I love this song! It teaches you how to save money!

- Upon hearing the opening rhymes of We Gonna Save That Money, Lil Dicky

Julie: Do you guys want to come over for a Passover Seder this year?

Elaine: Yeah! Wait, is that the 23rd? Because that's the taco festival.

I'm in the process of training two opossums to be my friends

Elaine, discussing work

Elaine, in her natural habitat

Take a dramatic side picture - I need a new profile picture for facebook.

- Elaine, before cracking up and ruining improving the photoshoot

Pt 2

Elaine in her true grandfatherly form

What's a unit of cocaine? A gram? I don't know. They had 700 cocaines.

Elaine, discussing potential DEA targets

I really connected to The Bee Movie... and I hate myself for it.

Elaine, while watching the olympics

...and literally no one else ever