Things no one needs to buy

Don't spend your money on this shit

[thingsnooneneedstobuy]

No one needs to buy Handerpants

Initially, I was on the fence about publishing this post. I mean, they are kind of like gloves and the website says they are made of 95% cotton, so they must be pretty soft. Also, I could see them being used among teenagers as a "...vaguely inappropriate fashion statement" like the website suggests. But this hilarious customer review on Amazon forced me to share it. 

So, in the case of a dick being grafted on your hand, definitely buy this product.

[thingsnooneneedstobuy]

No one needs to buy an iPaper Pad

So... for those who want to look like they are taking notes on an iPad, but actually can't afford an iPad? I'm unaware of who exactly is their marketing demographic. But I can assure you that whatever laugh this gets at the office is not because it's cute. 

I think the facetious comments on Amazon can back up my sentiment. 

[thingsnooneneedstobuy]

No one needs to buy risque suitcase stickers

Just in case getting through TSA isn't hard enough for you in this post 9/11 world, make sure you get yourself a suitcase sticker with some sort of horrible image on it. Like this one! Kidnapping is always hilarious right? RIGHT?! HAHAHAHAHAHA. Of course it is. 

Kidnapping not your style? Get this one full of cocaine! 

Although I kind of feel like the kidnapping and cocaine usually go hand in hand of what people might have in their suitcase. Solution: Bring 2 suitcases.

[thingsnooneneedstobuy]

No one needs to buy a deer anus bottle opener

Finally! A product for all those people who have ever imagined opening their beer bottles in an animal's sphincter. I know you have!

Also, why the hell is this thing 50 bucks!?!

[thingsnooneneedstobuy]

No one needs to buy a fridge locker

Now you can finally feel like your food will be safe where you left it! It has a combination lock and is apparently strong enough for a grizzly bear to jump on it. Don't believe me? Watch the video. If they still steal your lunch after this, they just really have it out for you. 

[thingsnooneneedstobuy]

No one needs to buy a non-edible ice cream cone

Not only is this ice cream cone not edible, but it's electric?! It will turn your ice cream around for you. Just.....what?! 

[thingsnooneneedstobuy]

No one needs to buy Pop Tart flavored vodka

For all those kids who grew up to be alcoholics.

Apparently this product isn't real. But if it was, I'm pretty sure no one would need to buy it. 

[thingsnooneneedstobuy]

No one needs to buy a USB Typewriter

This is not to say that typing on a type writer isn't cool. It is. You can feel the weight of your words. But this is just ridiculous. It totally takes away the enjoyment of typing on an old, non-digital machine. Also, this keyboard is 3 times as big as the iPad. 

[thingsnooneneedstobuy]

No one needs to buy a shower gel dispenser in the shape of a nose

I've always thought a huge runny nose would be the perfect thing to dispense the soap with which I would like to clean my entire body.

[thingsnooneneedstobuy]

No one needs to buy a gun and target alarm clock

In case all the guns in your video games, on your streets, and in your homes wasn't enough, they came out with this! The only thing more ridiculous than this product is the manufacturer’s description that includes such puns as “start the day with a bang” and “this…alarm clock will improve the caliber of your sleep”. Somewhere, someone is hitting the drums and a cymbal every time this description is read.

   I don’t know about anyone else, but if I was forced upon waking to aim at a target to stop the incessant blaring that is most alarm clocks, that clock would only last two days because I would've hurled it against a wall. 

This alarm clock is supposed to be for ages 7 to 11. Because what parent doesn't want their kid to practice shooting a target as the first thing they do when they get up? Certainly not mine. 

[thingsnooneneedstobuy]

No one needs to buy one of those Electric Abs Belts

I saw an infomercial for one of these this morning. It showed three celebrities, which I only faintly recognized from some long ago TV show, cooking dinner, getting ready for work in the morning (yea right, like they go to a 9 to 5 job), and just walking around while this huge black belt around their waist that sends electric pulses to their abdominal region. It claimed that it was the easy way to get abs. No more crunches!

From someone who has a constant battle in the morning to get up and exercise, I understand the temptation of a product that gets you fit while you lounge around watching The Golden Girls. But even I know that if you want to be healthy and get fit, you’ve got to put some effort into it.

I'm pretty sure this lady should not be using this so close to water...

This is not to mention that in order for these belts to work, according to some doctors somewhere, there has to be no layers of fat over your abs for it to even tone your abs in the first place- something I assume does not describe most of the consumers of this product. Additionally one of the only real studies on these belts found that while subjects lost 1.4 inches off their midsection (compared with people who did no exercise at all)  but there was no fat loss; the loss in inches was caused by strengthened ab muscles that acted as a girdle, pulling their midsection in. So, essentially, it just gave the appearance of these people being more fit and healthy.  So I suppose it’s a good product if you just want to look healthier, but still die of a heart attack. 

[thingsnooneneedstobuy]

No One Needs to Buy Virtual Goods

It’s those things in Facebook games or video games that you really don’t need and have no use in the non-virtual world. I am sure all of us, at one point or another, have played ‘freemium’ games- games that are free to download and play, but cost money for premium features. Words With Friends, Farmville, Candy Crush Saga, Scramble With Friends- we’ve all played at least one of these. If you haven’t you’ve at least gotten an endless supply of invite from ‘friends’ who are currently playing these games. But I’m not here to rail against these games, which are an enormous time suck and a hugely wasteful use of our time. I’m here to rail against spending money on this shit.

According to the website Inside Social Games 27 million Facebook users bought virtual goods in 2012 generating $810 million in revenue.  No. Bad Facebook users, bad! I get it, it’s only one or two dollars at time and how much is that anyways?! You can’t buy shit with a buck anymore! But before you know it you’re addicted and you’ve spent $20 or more on this stupid game and now you can’t buy yourself a sandwich to eat for lunch. You can’t go an hour without thinking about this game. It’s gotten so out of control that you actually paid someone $5 to take care of your farm because you just got too busy.

Man, I really want that fuckin' Cottoncandy Tree. Who wouldn't want that?

Look, I can understand being bored and these freemium games filling that void. What else would you do on the bus? Or when there is a lull in the workload at your job? What else would you do while you’re sitting on the toilet to occupy your time? There’s nothing wrong with playing a short game or making a move against your friend. But please, don’t spend your money on it. It’s not worth it.