Thinking My Thoughts Into The Void

Random thoughts I get and won't voice [27]

[thinkingmythoughtsintothevoid]

It's always a lot harder to bruise yourself than I think. There are so many times I've had bad mental health episodes and hit myself and I'm astounded which one of those didn't bruise.

[thinkingmythoughtsintothevoid]

The worst thing I did was start plucking the hairs on my face. It's definitely become compulsive in the same way as biting my nails and picking at my skin. Now I can't stand even a bit of growth without reaching for the tweezers.

Crazy that overgrooming is a thing: that I'm plucking my face for the same reason a stressed parrot plucks its feathers.

[thinkingmythoughtsintothevoid]

Everyone who knows this man says "he's the smartest person I've ever met!" and I'm realising they say that because they can't say anything good about his character...

I was literally the top grade in my undergrad and went to a global top 3 university for my masters and I'd hate to be known as smart before I can be known as kind. Shouldn't he?

[thinkingmythoughtsintothevoid]

Feelin' depressed. Never great having to take an hour off work you'll have to make up later just for the GP to tell you "let's not do anything until you get the results back from this separate issue I didn't know about until today".

Or to be told "No, that doesn't exist" when you describe a problem...

[thinkingmythoughtsintothevoid]

People say "girls" become sexually mature earlier than "boys" but I wonder even how true that is. Just because someone's got their period literally does not mean they're grown enough to survive giving birth.

[thinkingmythoughtsintothevoid]

You know you've succeeded when you forgot straight kink blogs exist.

[thinkingmythoughtsintothevoid]

There's a kind of heavily made-up, dyed hair, skimpily dressed style they use for MILFs in porn and it completely defeats the purpose for me. The older women in my life do not look like that and I'm tired of "mature" for women equating "visibly, desperately trying to look younger".

If I'm into older men, I get exactly what a DILF looks like... Why not MILFs?

[thinkingmythoughtsintothevoid]

"It varies" is such a fucking unhelpful answer. You can still give examples and ranges to give people some idea what they're about to go through. When I was looking up what it meant to be a teaching assistant, every website was like "it varies" with no further elaboration. I can give a better answer than that in a minute!!

At a secondary school, you'll most often be accompanying one pupils or more during their classes, keeping them on track and helping them with their work. You'll likely be swapping pupils each class. At a primary school, you're more likely to be generally assisting the teacher. Even if you're accompanying a pupil, you'll likely be running some lessons/sessions with the children by yourself, preparing the classroom, and doing odd jobs the teacher needs done. If the child is older, it might be more like the secondary school option.

EVEN IF you go to a school and get a different role, it's not going to be SO off the wall that that advice above is useless! People, learn how to give better advice!

[thinkingmythoughtsintothevoid]

I've got a colonoscopy coming (not looking forward to it) and the nurse has been so unhelpful regarding how long I'm going to be on the toilet. I understand "it varies" but without even a range or a ballpark, I'm bracing for 14 of 24 hours and getting no sleep whatsoever. I want to think it'll be less than that but knowing my body, it hates me and will make this as bad for me as possible so my plan is just to see how little I can get away with eating for 3 days and hope I'll have too little in my body to be in there all night.

I'm definitely going to document it though in case I can give these nurses a freaking ballpark.

[thinkingmythoughtsintothevoid]

How worth is it having a job if it costs me my ability to do everything I enjoy? How worth is it writing if it costs me job? My wellbeing vs. sanity.

[thinkingmythoughtsintothevoid]

I'm determined not be afraid of aging because the women in my life who are are in such a desperate state I refuse to be like that. Still, when I wrote "27" on this blog, there is this profound sense of "That's too old". Not because of aging inherently, I don't think so, but because I've lost all of my 20s to disability and now that number's getting too big. I haven't been able to write properly for 7 years. One day, will that be longer than the 10 years I was writing?

[thinkingmythoughtsintothevoid]

I'm going to do a great job at remembering what tags I'm using.

[thinkingmythoughtsintothevoid]

I chose this blog header and icon fairly randomly by google and they're so much more aesthetically pleasing than I expected. Staring at the night's sky.

I need to visit a night's sky reserve.

[thinkingmythoughtsintothevoid]

You'd think my neighbours would be more conscientious to the fact everyone needs their windows open before they started playing loud music 8am-12am. Most days.