Am I the only one who doesn’t have a best friend? I have my older siblings and a few friends I met when I was still a student. But now that I’m 21, I’m not really sure if I could call someone as a best friend who will also call me his/her best friend.
When I was in elementary school, my best friend changes a lot. I can’t remember the one during first grade; it was A during second grade; then it was M for third grade, but we fought because she accidentally stepped on the back of my foot and my rubber shoe got torn(?) and she won’t apologize for it. Was it J or Z during fourth grade? And lastly it was K during fifth and sixth grade.
It was like that back then maybe because I didn’t know the true meaning of a best friend.
When I started high school (or what we now call the junior high school), there were only 3 of us who came from the same elementary school and we weren’t even classmates. I wasn’t even close to P because she was part of those classmates of mine who bullied me. While the other one, L, we started using best friend as our term of endearment because of how close we were in elementary. But I’m aware that I wasn’t really her best friend, even during elementary.
D is the closest that I can call as my best friend during first and second year (grade 7 and 8) but I wasn’t sure about me being her best friend since a lot of our classmates (even those in the other classes) came from the same elementary school.
I got transferred to another class during third year (grade 9) where C and another D together with another K became my first group of friends. We named our group after a popular mobile game of birds, but we’re the hungry ones. C was an enemy during second year (grade 8) where he also told the whole class he has a crush on me because of my talent in dancing; D is a cousin of one of my elementary classmates; and K was my classmate during first grade that I wasn’t able to recognize when we met again as classmates during first year (grade 7) until L told me so.
We ended up as 3 without K because we didn’t like her attitude back then and she transferred school during fourth year (grade 10). But we’re good as before now.
College was scary for me compared to my classmates. I remembered how difficult it was for me to adapt to my new environment and to have friends. I’m thankful I was able to meet my college group of friends.
Another D was the very first one because she sat beside me during our first day of classes. Her surname is the first name of my first love and I thought it was fascinating. When B entered our classroom upon her arrival, I immediately thought that I want to be friends with her but we didn’t become friends until days later. Next was another P and I remembered that she was funny. Her name is actually J but we only call her that when we make fun of her. R is the only guy in our group and I don’t know why. We went home together during our first day of classes because we have the similar way home—but not completely.
During second semester (first year), we met E and she came from another class during first semester. We asked her to be part of us because she seemed lonely when we saw her alone and she gladly accepted it.
Second year started and a second M decided to join us. We were already friends with her during first year but she was part of another group of friends. I’m not sure why she left that group of friends though.
Adding here is a guy named J who is part of my group of friends together with D from grade 7 and 8. I think he’s the smartest among all of my friends and he’s a future mechanical engineer.
So far, I’ve mentioned 18 people including those I don’t talk to anymore. If I could pick one (or two) as my best friend, it would be B and C.
B from college because we are so alike we understand each other so much. But the problem is, she has a best friend who calls/treats her as a best friend too. They are best friends since first grade until now. I once told her that she’s like my best friend even though I’m not her best friend. I even gave her a letter during first year asking her to be my best friend but she said, “Labels aren’t important.” I didn’t know what to feel back then, maybe even until now. Did she reject me?
C is my former enemy who became my first guy friend. My mom even calls him my boyfriend and then I will make a gagging sound. He’s very faithful and loyal to our religion. When I feel hopeless and my faith is draining, he always do his best to help me spiritually. I remembered during second year (grade 8), he was asked by our teacher about his dream and he said he wants to be a priest; and just recently, he passed his first exam to be one. I’m not sure about who his best friend is though. I think he’s much closer to D than me.
There could be a third person and it will be L but I started doubting our friendship last year—our friendship of 14 years. There’s an old saying that claims if you’ve been friends with a person for over 10 years then your friendship will last a lifetime. I thought so before having doubts. I can’t even remember the last time we talked to each other.
The thing is, I have these friends but why do I still feel alone?
As for my older siblings, they all have relationships so I don’t know if I can call one of them my best friend. I’m not the one who they tell their secrets to so I can’t tell them my secrets too.
“You can’t be close to someone, not truly, with secrets between you.” – P.S. I Still Love You, Jenny Han.
On my life bucket list, number 14 is “Talk to an old friend again and continue our postponed friendship 👭”. And recently, I found the Facebook account of an old friend of mine during preschool. She’s another C and I remembered how she usually calls our landline phone to talk to me during summer vacations because she was in Japan(?) during the school year. I’m planning to send her a friend request and a message once she accepts me.
I’m not selfish. Maybe I’m just envious of those people who has a best friend.
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