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@thisismybodyproject
let’s bring back the term “cats” when referring to a group of people (i.e. “see you cats later”)
pros:
it’s gender neutral
you get the chance to look like a cool jazz musician
you can compare all your friends to cats (always good)
cons:
????
FUCKING STOP WHITE PEOPLE WHO DO THIS.
Today, I fucked up... by pranking my roommate my scrambling all his eggs, putting the scrambled eggs back in the carton, and telling him he bought "Pre-Scrambled Eggs".
My roommate goes shopping on Sunday evenings. He bought a carton of eggs. Last night after shopping he went out, and I knew he’d probably not be back that night.
So I decided to scramble every egg from the carton. I ate some of them (It was always my intention to replace the egg carton, just to get that out of the way), and the rest I stuffed the scrambled egg back into the carton. So it was just a carton of scrambled egg.
Then on the back of the carton I wrote “Pre Scrambled” in marker.
This morning I hear my roommate exclaim “What the fuck!?”
I ran into the kitchen and saw him staring dumbfounded at the carton. He kept looking from me to the carton and back. “Did you buy the Pre-Scrambled kind?” I asked.
He looked at me like I had just spoken Saturnian, so I repeated my question. “The fuck do you mean?” he replied.
I took the carton from him, acted like I was carefully examining the packaging, and then pointed out the writing on the back. Pre-Scrambled. “Yeah, you bought Pre-Scrambled Eggs,” I said.
He looked as perplexed as it is possible for a person to be. Maximum perplexness.
I put on an act of being amazed that he had never heard of Pre-Scrambled eggs, and about how I always check the back of the carton to make sure they aren’t Pre-Scrambled.
He stammered something along the lines of “But what…but why…how…why would they…what the…why…”
I was about to reveal it was a prank when he suddenly got very serious and intense, like a late-season Walter White sort of vibe, and he said “Fuck no. Not my eggs.” Then he wheeled around and marched out of the apartment. Out to his car. And he left.
I was a bit concerned. And probably should have shouted after him before he left. But I didn’t.
So like 40 minutes pass and I hear our apartment door open, and I hear “I’m banned! I’m banned from the Stop & Shop! Banned!”
I walk out to the kitchen with some apprehension. He looks enraged. “Banned!” He dropped the egg carton on the floor. “Did you fuck me!?”
He wasn’t taking it well.
“They don’t fuckin sell this shit!!! Did you fuck me!?”
At this point I admitted to pranking him. And I apologized. He just stared at me for a moment, then shouted something like “You’re buying me fucking new eggs!!” Then he slammed his bedroom door. Then he opened it and yelled “I have to drive to motherfucking PATHMARK, are you kidding me!? You go too far!! FUCK!!!” And slammed the door again. Then he opened it again and shouted “STOP LAUGHING!!!” and slammed the door again.
I do feel bad about this because it was never the intention of the prank to get him banned from the supermarket. I have already replaced his eggs and I am in the process of thinking up some way to make it up to him regarding his banishment.
TL;DR - Accidentally got my roommate banned from the supermarket when I convinced him they sold him “Pre-Scrambled” eggs.
Necklaces by WoodlandBelle on Etsy
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I need one so so bad
look at that pup smile
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Once again, thank you everyone for reading, enjoying, and sharing this comic. Not just sharing in the sense of re-posting this comic, (which you should totally do) but also sharing your stories with me, letting my know how my comics have touched you. It means so much to me. Love ya! Stay tuned for more comics! <3
How the Logic of "Friendzoning" Would Work If Applied in Other Instances:
*Man walks into a store and finds employee*
Man: Alright, I've had enough. Why haven't you guys hired me?!
Employee: Uh...well sir, when did you put in your application?
Man: I never filled out an application.
Employee: Well sir, we can't consider you for employment if you've never filled out an application.
Man: No, that's bullshit, because I've been coming here for years now, and every single time I tell you all how much I love this store and how much I appreciate your customer service, unlike some of your other customers might I add!
Employee: Well, but that doesn't-
Man: AND I even told you that I didn't have a job!
Employee: But sir, that doesn't indicate to us that you would like a job at our store. And again, if you've never filled out an application, we can't consider you. Besides, we're not hiring.
Man: OH! Not hiring, HA! What a laugh. I see your store go through seasonal workers all the time. They come and go like nothing, but you won't consider me as a part-time employee even though I KNOW you've been looking for workers to fill positions? That's insane!
Employee: Sir, we've been looking to hire a few people for management positions. Do you have any management experience?
Man: Well no, but what does that matter?
Employee: ...Well sir, that's what we're looking for. You won't be suitable for the position without management experience.
Man: Oh that's such a load of crap. You know, you'll be waiting around a long time for a manager if you don't lower your standards a little. Who cares if someone knows how to manage a store? I LOVE this store and I'm willing to work here, that's all that should matter to you.
Employee: That...doesn't make any sense.
Man: NO! I'm done. This is over. From now on, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
Employee:
Man:
Employee:
Man: Fuck you, slut.
#AfterSeptember11 trended on Twitter today. So real. White supremacy manifests in so many sinister ways. These tweets paint a vivid picture.
I don’t know if this has already been done, but I think about it a lot.
‘I’m Proud To Be Different’: Teenager Born With Birthmarks All Over Her Body Hits Back At Bullies
A 19-year-old girl born with mole-like birthmarks all over her body has learnt to love the skin she lives in – and tells bullies: “I’m proud to be different”.
Ciera Swaringen has a rare skin condition called giant congenital melanocytic nevus, which means she has dark spots over 70 per of her skin.
The teenager from Richfield, near Charlotte, North Carolina, has been subjected to years of name-calling and cruel taunts.
But instead of letting the condition get her down, Swaringen is an inspiration, proudly showing off her body, even posing on Facebook in bikinis.
“One day I remember being on the school bus and hearing a young boy laugh at me and call me a ‘spotty dog,’” Ciera told the Mirror.
“Teenage boys are usually the first ones to comment when they see me. They say things like, ‘You look like you’re dirty, take a wash.’
Ciera’s mum calls the marks ‘angel kisses’ (Ciera Dawn Swaringen/Facebook)
“Over time I’ve learnt to brush off negative comments and remember that most people stare and say cruel things because they’re not used to seeing someone with my condition.”
“I’m so proud to be different and, at the end of the day, we all have something about us that’s unusual, whether it’s on the inside or the outside,” said Ciera.
“Everyone is born to look different, and we’re should all feel beautiful in our own skin.”
Facing the bullies (Ciera Dawn Swaringen/Facebook)
Around one in every 500,000 births have large nevus birthmarks. They can often be surgically removed, but in Ciera’s case there are too many.
But as these pictures shows – they’re what make her unique. She even added that her mother, rather sweetly, refers to the marks as “angel kisses”.
Tweet your views to @YahooStyleUK
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those shoes with that dress tho? ¬_¬
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Sexologist’s take on John Oliver sex ed video
7.2 million people yesterday were all like, “OMG Dr. Jill! What do you think of this sex ed video from Last Week Tonight with John Oliver?!?!” Thanks for asking! Here are my thoughts:
It’s nice when something you’ve been shouting at the top of your lungs for a decade and everyone ignored is finally, suddenly, magically, touted as genius when a guy says it in a comedy routine. And by nice I mean, unbelievably important and exciting for the cause, but rather deflating for my professional self-efficacy.
But my ego aside, I’m so glad Oliver shined light on the embarrassing disgrace that is sexuality education in America, and I’m thrilled mainstream media is at least pretending to give a shit about the crisis (and it is a crisis). He did an astounding job examining the intricacies of the problem.
.
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The part where he discussed fear-ridden, misogyny-focused, and often Christian-based abstinence-only sexuality education lies and misinformation programs that liken women who have sex before marriage to old shoes, chewed up gum, and dirty tape was especially important to me for a few reasons:
First, the dirty tape program is the “sex education” program that I myself endured as a high schooler. It did so much damage, it is in part why I decided I wanted to become a sexologist when I was 15. I wrote about the horrible experience in my book, and in my college program “Virgins and Sluts” where I talk about the harm of the virgin/whore dichotomy, I reenact the lesson with the students and have them unpack and examine, frankly, how utterly fucked up these messages are.
Second, I know despite many people being vocal about these horrible programs, including me, and Elizabeth Smart, who has been quite outspoken about how she was made to feel like a “used up piece of chewing gum nobody wanted” because she’d been raped, the chewing gum, dirty tape, and a new one (prickly rose stem with the petals all gone) lesson plans are STILL promoted by private Christian organizations, and STILL being taught to teenagers in PUBLIC school classrooms, including my high school, to this day.
Oliver in 21 minutes hit on a number of truths in the tragic state of sexuality education. These include:
- The disproportionate power of one Puritan parent to cause a ruckus, get the media and the school district to throw the teacher under the bus, and ruin the opportunity for every other student to have access to medically accurate information about their bodies, health, and sexuality. This happens with parents of college students (read: ADULT STUDENTS) too, which I’ve written about here, and here. I also talk about this phenomenon in my college workshop “Sex Ed in America”.
- Ridiculous, embarrassingly cheesy, outdated, shame-filled, and/or fear-based sex education videos that continue to be played in classrooms. I play some examples for the audiences in my Safer and Sexy college workshops to provide context for the very different way I teach about pregnancy and STI prevention, and you can view a few clips of them here (starts at :27).
- The total lack of cohesion in sex education mandates. Some states don’t have any sex education, some states do, but don’t require the material to be medically accurate (HELLO!!!), and the experiences of sexuality education varies so widely from district to district, school to school, and even teacher to teacher. All of these decisions about whether to have a sex ed curriculum, and if so, what subjects lies to include are, sensibly, made by people who have absolutely no training whatsoever in human sexuality.
- The correlation between states without sex education and soaring teen pregnancy rates. It’s infuriating how many people willfully ignore such thorough science and data because “I have *feelings* and sex is icky!”. Actually, it’s criminal that people charged with educating and preparing youth can so spectacularly fail, withhold life saving and life changing information from students, ignoring all evidence, and still have jobs and get funding for their programs of lies and shame.
- The cleverness and resourcefulness of sexuality education professionals who find ways to impact students despite a lack of funding, lack of support from the district and state, and the ever looming fear of a rogue parent ruining their career. I’m happy Oliver played the clip of the educator who wasn’t allowed to discuss condoms teaching students how to properly “roll a sock on a foot and then put the foot in the shoe”.
- The rampant homophobia and slut-shaming, both subtle and egregious, that are in programs offered at schools.
- An across the board failure to have meaningful discussions about consent, and consent lesson plans that focus on a heterosexual context of girls’ “no” being dismissed because it wasn’t “firm enough” instead of focusing on, ya know, training all parties to value autonomy and only engage in sex with an enthusiastic “yes”. And when you promote, fund, and allow this flawed message to be taught to students, as Oliver pointed out, “you are abetting an already troubling culture where a bunch of frat guys can march around Yale feeling completely comfortable yelling out “NO MEANS YES, YES MEANS ANAL”.
His summation line, “There is no way we’d allow any other academic program to consistently fail to prepare students for life after school, and human sexuality, unlike calculus, is something you actually need to know about for the rest of your life” I thought was especially on point.
And then Oliver produced a star studded sex ed video for the people who have been failed by the system. It checks off quite a few of the items that I think need to be included in any good sex ed program:
- clitoris!
- pleasure, fun, exploration, and toys (including lube!)
- it’s OK to say no to sex, and it’s OK to say yes to sex, and if anyone wants ridicule you about either choice, they’re “assholes”.
- contraceptives exist to help protect against unwanted pregnancy and infections, but you may have already experienced either, and this doesn’t make you a bad person.
- skill building demonstration and practice
- humor!
- what giving and rescinding consent looks like in myriad ways, including stopping mid sex act, and saying yes to some sex acts but not others
- sexual language (”if you call it a who-ha, you’re not ready for sex”)
- general sex-positivity and normalizing of sexuality.
There are a few things I would have liked to have seen be different in the sex ed video:
- OMG IT’S A VULVA, NOT A VAGINA
- mention of sexual identities
- a blurb about what the clitoris actually does
All in all, well done
To John Oliver- thank you!
To the news media- remember this the next time an outraged parent wants you to run a story about how, GASP, their kid is learning that genitals do more than piss, and these other things are kinda fun.
To readers who agree with all of this- we need you to do more than “like” this! Find out what is being taught in the schools where you live. If they don’t have sex ed, or have “girls are chewed up gum” type of sex ed, voice your concern! Write to your representatives about stopping abstinence only education and funding comprehensive sexuality education. Tell the school board you want them to hire a professional sexuality educator to develop a curriculum for the district.
We need to reframe this conversation from “Tonight at 6, a parent is outraged about a poster in a classroom that lists SEX ACTS!” to “Tonight at 6, the community is outraged that Christian moralizers are paid millions from tax dollars to tell girls in public school they’re worthless if they have sex or are raped. The entire city, except two parents, are calling it ‘scandalous and disgraceful’ that professional sexuality educators and scientists are being cast aside while preachers are granted unvetted access to children to indoctrinate them with medically-inaccurate lies about their bodies that data demonstrates can lead to disease and/or a lifetime of mediocre sex, as well as instilling shame about their sexual identities, and contributing to a culture of sexual violence”.
Hire me for sex ed here.
ALL OF THIS
I remember being told in my sex ed class by a guest speaker that they didn’t consider anybody who had “masturbated” to be a “virgin” anymore, as if almost everybody in that (high school) room hadn’t probably done it before, and as if scaring kids off or shaming them for masturbation had anything to do with keeping kids from getting STDs or pregnant.
I remember them pulling that bullshit tactic where they ask for volunteers, and then they ask you to write three names down of people the opposite sex, and they don’t tell you what it’s for, but then at the end it turns out they’re pretending to simulate the spread of an STD… and they do this by calling you up front and reading off the names and saying “now this person’s got an STD, and this person, and this person “ (keep in mind, again, they said nothing about what it was supposed to simulate – I had no idea I was volunteering to being labeled a hypothetical sexual typhoid Mary in front of the whole class). It also ignores gay and bisexual people, the way it’s constructed. And it was basically horrifying. Pointless shaming of helpful volunteers, sexism, and hysteria for what? To basically claim everybody you ever hold hands with could give you an STD? Also, I find it pretty horrifying that I had to learn what to do when you’re raped, from episodes of TV cop dramas. I had never heard the words “rape kit” before then, and nobody EVER discussed consent with us, which seems exceptionally dangerous. I’m lucky I never had to use that information for myself; what of the rape victims who do need it?
I had no idea what a labia minora was when I graduated high school – which explains a lot about how I could never figure out tampons. I was in my late 20s before I found out that I don’t pee out of my goddamn clitoris (the urethra is a separate opening next to the vagina). And I only learned that because I got a yeast infection – something that almost everyone with a vagina will eventually get at least once. And all this was from a young woman who was considered “intelligent” by her teachers, who did well enough in most subjects including science. This is how badly informed I was, thanks to the Florida school system.
It also took a long time for me to hear about safer sex practices like lubrication and the difference between latex and lambskin condoms, to hear about how antibiotics mess with chemical birth control, to find out what PCOS is and how it’s treated with “BC” pills, to even hear boo about the difference between “normal” period cramps and “something is medically wrong here” pains like appendicitis. These aren’t things that were ever discussed, ever, even after I was “of age” in my county.
This is ridiculous. It is fucking ridiculous. I never want anyone to have that level of misinformation.
I never want anyone with a vagina to have to get unnecessary UTI and yeast infections because they don’t know how to care for themselves down there, or anybody to feel that sex is extra-painful because nobody mentioned lubrication exists; I never want someone to get HIV because they don’t realize you can get it through a sore in your mouth, or that condoms are a good idea during anal; I never want people to get pregnant because they didn’t realize that their infection was being treated by something that nullified their birth control, or because they had a latex allergy and didn’t realize there were other options; I never want to see people get raped because nobody thought “consent” was a valid topic for people old enough to be interested in sex or rape victims to go unaided and rapists uncaught because they had no idea how to seek help. No one should be misinformed that badly, when health and lives and entire futures are at risk. No one.
THIS
