I Enjoy the Occasional Sandwich @thomastowell - Tumblr Blog

RIP SNL freelancer program.

Guys, we aren't melting enough nazis.

#gifs #nazis #melting #photos #twitter #Indiana Jones #raiders of the lost ark

I just whispered "these violent delights have violent ends" to my Galaxy Note 7 and it blew up.

#samsung #westworld #hbo #ai #artificial intelligence #shakespeare #galaxy note 7

Jokes from a recent packet.

The New York Times reported Thursday that New York City’s population has passed 8.5 million. “They’re everywhere!” said rats.

Experts suggest that North Korea could have enough uranium to make six nuclear devices by 2017- but possibly earlier if they’re built with Samsung Galaxy Note 7’s.

Lyft and Budweiser have teamed up to give drunken New Yorkers free rides on the weekends as part of an anti-drunk driving initiative. So if you’re drunk, be on the lookout for this ride (photo of the Budweiser Clydesdale horses wearing fluffy pink mustaches).

Russian authorities this week blocked access to two of the largest porn sites in the world and suggested that users get out to "meet someone in real life." In a related story, a Russian mother has accidentally walked in on her son meeting someone in real life.

A study from the University of St. Andrews found that having tattoos could increase someone’s chances of being hired for a job, which totally explains Hillary Clinton’s new tattoo (photo of Hillary Clinton with Mike Tyson’s face tattoo).

A South Florida woman hid marijuana in her niece’s lunchbox during a traffic stop. The woman was arrested while her niece traded for everyone’s chocolate pudding.

In an interview with The Atlantic, primatologist Jane Goodall said that Donald Trump’s behavior is similar to that of a male chimpanzee trying to assert dominance, so the first presidential debate should be pretty interesting (picture of Donald Trump flinging poop).

On Sunday, Lord Ivar Mountbatten, a cousin of Queen Elizabeth II, became the first member of the British Royal family to come out as gay, or as it’s called in England: Brexiting the closet.

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar of “19 Kids & Counting” have become parents of a twentieth child after adopting their great-nephew. This is the first time the Duggar family has expanded without water being spilled on them (picture of Gremlins).

The CDC has warned that people should stop hugging and kissing chickens, as it can lead to an increase in salmonella outbreaks. “Make me!” said Gonzo (picture of Gonzo and Camilla the Chicken).

#jokes

[God creating the patronus]

Idk, how about 900 different cats and an elk?

#patronus #harrypotter #animals #cats #charms #patronuscharm #jk rowling #harry potter #spells #hermione granger #ron weasley

NBA draft/free agency/trade scenarios that would never happen in a million years, but... maybe?

1) LeBron leaves Cleveland for the Lakers. Dwyane Wade abandons Miami to join LeBron. The Lakers trade Roy Hibbert, D'Angelo Russell, and the #2 pick to the Knicks for Carmelo Anthony, who waives his no-trade clause to play with LeBron and Wade. Spike Lee has a heart attack. More likely: Carmelo for Kevin Love, Spike Lee shrugs a lot. 2) Kevin Durant gives up on OKC and signs with the Knicks. Dwyane Wade signs with the Knicks, too, after LeBron texts him, "We are keeping Kevin Love, sorry xoxo". More likely: Durant stays put in OKC or goes to Golden State, Wade stays in Miami and pouts all season. 3) Kevin Love goes to the Bulls, Jimmy Butler goes to the T-Wolves, and Andrew Wiggins goes to the Cavs. More likely: the world explodes. 4) Jimmy Butler gets traded to the Celtics in exchange for Avery Bradley, Jonas Jerebko, #3 and # 16 picks, cash, 5,000 gallons of New England clam chowder, and an agreement that Mark Wahlberg will stop talking for one year. The Celtics then sign DeMar DeRozan. Meanwhile, golf ball sized hail strikes Kevin Durant on the head, giving him a concussion. In a daze, he signs a contract with the Celtics, thinking that the papers are his medical bills. More likely: Jimmy Butler stays in Chicago, DeMar DeRozan goes to the Lakers, Kevin Durant stays in OKC, and Mark Wahlberg makes a movie about the Orlando mass shooting because he has no decency.