I don't know if i am a mouse or rat help

Hello there! I am ThornyRat/Mikemice, and this is where I'll post stuff that has nothing to do with my current interests, so basically, you'll only hear about me and what I'm like to be around. So yeah, go to my primary account if you want real art or stay here and hear me spiral into my own feelings and shit!

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making an intro post here cause I forgot to do it on my main ;-;

I am definitely going to change some shit in this intro post but anyway- I am Mike! A non-binary (all pronouns btw) rodent that absolutely loves drawing random stuff! (but especially fanart)

You can find me on artfight, or here on this hellsite, maybe also on dotpic (though I don't post anything here for a while now) or even Itch.io! (still working on the game btw, just very slowly)

I also have a strawpage a-lil-rats-site's strawpage!

I am way more active on @thornyrat, so please go check it out! (or don't, I am not your parent lol)

Anyway, right now I am mostly in 3 fandoms (omori, deltarune, and cult of the lamb), but I'm pretty sure you will find me a bit everywhere as long as it is game related! (except games that require an internet connection, my ass wants to be able to play even if I was lost in a cave somewhere), so please please PLEASE yap about your blorbos or fav stuff, either we will both ramble about the same stuff or I'll be converted!!

Also forgot to mention but English is not my native language, so if you see me spouting some nonsense don't be too surprised

No DNI, but know that I may or may not ignore you if you're a bigot, and also I recommend that you block me if you don't want to see any swearing, or any other thing that you might not like about my blog tbh (dw I do tag my posts correctly when there are bugs, gore,... and you can tell me to add tags if you want)

Last thing, I do free commissions! (still need a lot of exp ;-;) And your OCs aren't safe from me making fanart of them (I am not gonna wait for artfight smh)

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My knees hurt so bad. They are sore after 20 steps, feel like shit when i am sitting, heck they even hurt while i am laying on my bed. The only position where they feel okay is when i lie on my stomach, but i can't do that because of fucking school, i have to bear the pain for hours on end just for it to repeat the next day. I am so tired. Why is existence so painful?

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As an aromantic rodent, Valentine's Day gives me the ick. Why is there even a special day for love where it is basically capitalism hidden as flowers and chocolates? Love shouldn't be about gifts, it should be about love

So yeah i hate that day, tho i also don't really care since i am not celebrating anyway, also i still love it more than Christmas.

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I don't know what I am. Am I 1? 2? 3? 9? If I can make the voices shut up by not thinking about them, are they really here? Or are my thoughts just voiced differently depending on their contents? Those voices confort me quite a bit, tho they can also hurt me accidentally. So I am at least pretty sure that they aren't *just* thoughts. I just don't know what they are and this creates an itch in the back of my mind that I can't scratch. Maybe I am somewhere between a singlet and a system, i don't know, i don't know

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They say ignorance is bliss, but they never said that it will make you stay alive. You can die unaware. I don't know if this is better than being haunted with knowledge or not.

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There was a time when I wanted to end myself, but I never managed to do that.

i went down through rabbit holes while making plans, and before I knew it I stopped thinking about the end and just found a new fixation. This whole ordeal repeated itself for a month before it stopped working.

But after that there was a new obstacle, games. I wanted to complete stuff before I go, so I played and played and time came to a stop in my eyes. Eventually i started to switch to different hobbies or different ways to do stuff (went back to piano, started crochet, made a diary, making random stuff while experiencing with my artstyles,...). This also eventually stopped to work.

And again I was stuck, I didn't want to leave behind my rabbit that would never know I was gone. I knew what it felt like to expect something to come back, and knowing after so many years that it was gone the moment you started waiting. I didn't want him to feel like that, i wouldn't wish it on anyone, human or not.

And so I stayed, eventually. It felt horrible. I was forced to eat because of my lack of appetite, and I felt nauseous. I couldn't sleep because i was so tired already that I couldn't even tell if i was sleepy or not, and that made me feel even more tired. I couldn't move sometimes because i was paralyzed from my lack of energy, no matter how much i wanted to do something and how much I screamed at myself to do things. I couldn't think, there was only pain and loneliness awaiting my mind if I did that. I did not talk, It convinced me that no one would care enough to hear my plea, I still feel like they wouldn't, even if It's gone now. I suffered silently and for what seemed like an eternity. I had to die in my head to survive physically.

I didn't count how many days it took for my triumph over what i think was depression. I'd say 3 months until it got liveable, and 2 years until it finally died. But it felt like an eternity in my eyes, and now its remains are coming back during winter. I'll survive.

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I hate Christmas, what's the point of receiving gifts if I don't even see the one who gave?

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I have a love-hate relationship with winter

On one side, i get to eat ice cream and it won't melt, there is snow sometimes, no annoying bugs, no sun, my rabbit become pure fluff, and winter holidays

On the OTHER side, seasonal depression (while definitely easier to deal with than normal depression in my experience) is wrecking my appetite and I feel like crying way too many times

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It's always bittersweet when you go through old letters, emails, videos, pictures, etc...

You see people you hate, possibly bots or scams if you're more on the online side, people you never really knew, and people you cared about who are now gone, you even see how the ones who are still here now used to be slighly or very different before.

Most knows that one day we will all be gone, but a lot fail to assume that we will be there when they are ready to say goodbye.

Make as many memories with everyone as you can, especially if you love them, especially when you know that you will never know when they are gone for good

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Carpet beetle larva under a microscope :D

(Yeah I definitely need to clean my room if I can find 15 of these guys, but also they look cool so I don't know where to put them if I do decide to clean stuff-)

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If you are ever curious about it, different types of paper taste different, it's not just the texture! Some are kinda dull, like the paper in most books, while others are more flavorful, like the printing paper used in school. Not all of them taste great though, at least for me (for instance I am not a big fan of the paper used for pastels and other things like that)

Anyway, go eat paper, it's nutritionally useless but it's harmless