thought puke

for the lonely thots | if you ever need to talk to someone i am here for you<333 TW: Mental Health Topics

[thotpuke]

thought puke 3 | 4.24.23

DISCLAIMER!!! if you relate to any of this post and want to talk about it, I will listen, I am here for you<3

You talked to a friend in the dining hall last night, let them read your writing and all they had to say was, “you get it.” You get that it sucks to be around happy people, it sucks to be around sad people, it sucks to be around people, it sucks to be alone. It all just sucks. The only comforting aspect is the fact that it’s all going to end. Most people are scared of death but there is a small percentage of people in this world that find the idea of death comforting. To fall asleep after a bad day with the idea that tomorrow you won’t wake up and have to live through another grueling long 24 hour cycle. The stress will be gone, the anger will be gone, the responsibility will be gone, the weight of sorrows will be gone. It will all end. And while you and that friend were talking you understood that it never ends. If life were to just end… there is still people suffering, the earth is still rotting, and the moralities of humanity will still worsen. All though you may pass on, the pain will not. Time will pass by and pain and suffering will only grow worse. You wish it wasn’t that way but it is. And by you leaving, that means their is one less person to change the way the world functions. As the world decays, you will sit and watch the sun cycle. As hate grows deeper, you will sit and watch the moon grow and lessen in the dark night sky. You will watch the trees sway and the flowers bloom. You will keep your eyes on the small things because the big ones are dark. Dark enough to cast a shadow on your brain that keeps those serotonin levels low. You try to make sure that happen again by keeping your mind, body, and soul afloat with a million tiny things, and let the larger ones sink into the deep depths of the polluted ocean. You can’t change the world, you can’t stop time, the only thing you can do is observe it. And so while you’re here you’ll observe the small little things until the larger ones catch up to you and drag you six feet under.

written by @thotpuke

[thotpuke]

thought puke 2 | 4.19.23

DISCLAIMER!!! if you relate to any of this post and want to talk about it, I will listen, I am here for you<3

Society glorifies love. Sure it’s cool to love someone or be loved by someone but no one recognizes how hard it is to maintain or sustain love comfortably. So much is at risk when loving someone, the most important organ in your body is in a dangerous state of possibly breaking. And what happens after your heart beaks, huh? You can’t function like you did when you had some sort of love in your life, your days feel long, your chest feels heavier, your happiness feels minimal, and your self esteem vanishes into thin air. Your lost in a labyrinth of people who are all hurting like you or loving like you used to, its overwhelming, its terrifying. Why would anyone want that? In all honesty you act like you don’t want that… but you do. You find someone that means so much to you and your willing to risk it all but your scared. So you don’t. You sit in your lonesome avoiding all the love you have to give because your selfish. Your keeping all your love in a storage container that you haven’t visited in years. You know you have it but you chose to keep it away… afraid of being judged, used, and abused. But god you wish you would just take it out of that box and let it be free in the most organic form of life. You think of that certain someone and you wish they could see all you have to give. But they aren’t psychics, they are people. They are people and people come and go and once something is gone you don’t know if you will ever get it back. You’re scared of the unknown. And everyone talks about this idea of love and how it feels so good to spread all your love, but no one talks about how hard it is to accept that love. This may sound cliche but Paul Rudd once said “ We accept the love we think we deserve” and sometimes that truly shows. You can’t accept anything because you feel as if you don’t deserve it… you’ve kept all this love locked away it’s not fair of you to take some from others, i mean you have your own. Sure you don’t use it, not even on yourself, but how is it fair for you to take all this love when you’ve been oh so selfish to keep all yours away. You know there is love, but you lost all yours in the attic and have to much pride to borrow some from someone else for the time being. So you are left alone and scared. Scared of your heart breaking. Scared of being abused. Scared of being judged. Scared of being used. Scared of accepting it. Scared of sharing it. You are lonely and you are scared of love. You are stuck.

written by @thotpuke

[thotpuke]

thought puke 1 | 4.14.23

DISCLAIMER!!! if you relate to any of this post and want to talk about it, I will listen, I am here for you<3

loneliness is such a funny feeling. it feels like the very second right before your stomach drops on a free fall rollercoaster like disney’s tower of terror or universal’s dr doom. your falling deep and far down a rabbit hole but you cant feel anything in your body except that feeling of emptiness in just a singular stomach as it on the cusp of falling. a whole body pf intricate systems of blood, cell, tissue, organs organ systems, all intertwined and you can only manage to feel your fucking stomach sink. and all the feeling is completely unsettling, but the truly gut wrenching thing there is about being lonely. is the external factors. out of body experiences that aren’t in the control of your thoughts and systems. like being in a room full of people and having no one to talk to. you cant help that shit, all you can do is accept it as its acids burn your insides and poison your brain. like wanting your mom to take off of work to see you but instead she decides to run errands with her time instead. you don’t make her decisions, you cant do any fucking thing about it, you just let it hurt even though your whole body feels numb. you cant feel it but you think its burning. your body begins to tremble and cry because your’e on fire, and no one around you notices to help put that fire out. you sit and you burn in this lonely. wishing you were anyone but yourself, someone pretty, someone skinnier, some happier, and the most sad of all, someone lovable. but you aren’t. and the people around you make you feel like you never will be. part of you questions if they only see you as there sidekick, there when they need you but nonexistent when they don’t. in all honesty, you wish that was the case. you wish that you could just dis-exist for the times your alone. because they are scary. your’e on fire, and you’re trembling and crying, and your brain is being poisoned by acids, and you cant feel anything in your body except for your empty stomach the second before its about to drop. you are lonely. its dark.

written by @thotpuke