hopeless romantic not able to feel love

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

Introducing me, myself and I~

I'm 19 6'1" and very weird . I feel like I'm 80 years old and my back hurts so get off my lawn!

( I'm just here to be wholesome and supportive)

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

Welp I'm getting slightly more and more done with my trust issues as at this point, because I know I would have faith but honestly I'm just getting karma. Fuck every situation I've been in with relationships I'm so tierd of just wanting to love and be loved 😭😭😔😔 but no now I'm shaking in bed.

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

It's my 2 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

I was so fucking confused as it's definitely not my birthday lmao

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

Welp had both the best and the worst day of my life in awhile, I cut myself for like 75% in some way of my left arm and now I'm making chicken tenders so fuck life and everything. Probably will cut more

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

So I probably shouldn't be thinking this as a 20 year old but I genuinely think I have some heart issues and I should probably get it checked out. I won't for awhile though as I have so much shit to do and work is driving me slightly nuts

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

Ok so I'm not going to say I can see the future as it doesn't work like that, but when some extremely specific moments happen and during them I remember what happens in the next minute or two is crazy. I mean I've had literal dreams of the future and seen things years before it happened. I know I can't prove this but I had a dream about a pokemon sword and shield many years before it even came out,

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

I was just walking home around 2am and started playing this song, and holy shit was I not ready to feel as emotional as I did.

Anytime I think about my past and future I get very depressed as I went through a lot, and never felt I had a childhood. I was always mature and trying to deal with the weight of the world way earlier than I should have been.

I'm not even 20 yet and I don't know how my future is going to go as I've been so alone in trying to be a "man" and figure out the world.

I've been living on my own for almost a year and it's so nice but also so terrible, my place is shit and my landlord is purposely ignoring my texts. So I'm having so much fun "being alive" where in reality I'm practically a walking corpse

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

Okay so it's raining outside at almost 4am, and now I might have to go out and walk for a few hours because I need it to be cold and wet out

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

So once again I am in a weird mood as life sucks and I just do not know how to feel but on the flip side.

I have so many fucking ideas for fanfictions that I'm starting to lose my mind, like the communities that I like are a bit of a neish but my ideas are so exciting for me.

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

You know life hates you when you're having a bad day then this happens 😭😭

Thankfully I have a can opener but could you imagine I didn't!!!

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

I'm at the point in my life where I think I'm just waiting for death.

I have a job I don't care about

0 actual friends

Almost no family I care about (besides my sister)

No motivation or passion heck even no reason to eat/sleep it's only just to get through another day

I earn enough to survive but not live and honestly I'm almost 20 and if I'm still alive and the same way at 30 I should just die

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

"Hmm smells like spoon I guess"

This dumbass Saturday August 2nd at 4:20am no joke.

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

Red delicious apples are better then sex

That's all

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

I'm weirdly debating on getting a peacock tattoo, it would look amazing especially in color.

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

I absolutely hate whatever sickness or cold bull shit I have. my body has never dry heaved and coughed so hard, to get rid of something in my stomach that I just didn't have.

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

Just got complimented and told I had great calves so that's something that hasn't happened before lmao

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

This is kind of the full bit of how I've felt and what's been going on as life has been fucked to say the least.

Today has been an absolute shit show of random bad and good that I don't fully know how to say there's things so bare with me.

2 nights ago was the first time I had a bed to sleep on in weeks because before I was homeless for 3 days, then I had to sleep on the floor when I got my place.

I've also been ghosted 4 times so that's hurt but Now for just todays (the 20th) shit. Today started out normal, woke up and took a shower then walked 40 minutes to work and started a normal shift. That's when I learned one of my coworkers died. it's a shame but I'm sadly not surprised, The rest of the day was normal besides me burning my hand decently with hot gravy.

Then as I was walking home it was raining so I was a bit more in a good mood. After a few minutes of walking Some random guy complimented my calves, and that has never happened before in my life. I'm almost never complemented on my appearance, like never.

I also learned that I can run for a longer period without becoming completely out of breath, so my ego and liking of myself has gone up a lot today, and I think I can say that for the first time in so so fucking long that I'm happy.

[thou-isnot-forgotten]

Just got complimented and told I had great calves so that's something that hasn't happened before lmao