Thoughts Against Humanity

When the caverns of dank minds give birth to incomprehensible thoughts, those thoughts need a place to migrate in the fall. Hipsters beware. These musings will expose you to be more mainstream than the Amazon River.

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If I eat myself will I become twice as big or disappear entirely?? Need help

This is an interesting question Outfux. It all depends on where you start. If you begin by eating your feet, and work upwards, you will rapidly gain upper body mass. My cousin is a bodybuilder, and this is his preferred method of bulking.

If, however, you begin by eating your head, you will obviously die. This is obvious. After that I guess you would be buried or cremated and then decay over time, eventually disappearing.

So the answer is BOTH

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FunPrank #14

Fun prank to play on your friends: while they’re sleeping, set their house on fire. When they wake up, they will have a nice view of their neighborhood and no family members!

And remember, if your friend gets annoyed, just say, “Chill bro! It’s a prank!”

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Nothing makes me feel like an uncultured swine quite like having to request a fork when given chopsticks at a restaurant.

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I find that extremely raciest and offensive.  Are you saying that American culture is uncultured? If anything we Americans are superior.  I say “SCREW CHOPSTICKS” I mean, give me a break. Who even uses those literal pieces garbage? I know I don’t.  

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My lust for juiced Kale is nonexistent 

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Everybody stuck in traffic blames everyone else for being stuck in traffic

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The only thing you are stuck in is your own illusion of what you think is traffic but is actually a projection of all your pitiful insecurities and anxieties that keep you from driving fast.  How about next time you think you are stuck in traffic, try acting like a man and get over it you spineless imp.

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porn hub has probably seen a decrease in traffic since Pokémon go.

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LAVATORYLIFESAVER #26

Do not lean back while defecating. The gain in elevation of your lower body will result in urine spraying out of the crack between the bowl and the seat, and all over the floor. You will likely get some on your freshly painted walls too, and then your fraternity and sorority brethren will be mad. 

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You pour soap on your waffle. “For the aesthetic,” you whisper. a single tear rolls down your face. You are dead inside

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About 50% of my education came from the side of U-Haul trucks.

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Sometimes, when I’m really lonely, I sit by myself on the top of my cupboard, pretending that I am a sailor driving across the boundless ocean. But then I remember that sailors don’t exist anymore. And that you don’t drive a rowboat - you sail it. Please comment or reblog if you have been here.

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Don’t you hate it when you’re so hungry that you have to devour your own empty heart...

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If you can't eat it all in one bite, you don't deserve any of it

My Mom 

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If you had a season pass to Disneyland, you could practically sit on Micky Mouse’s lap EVERY day.  That way, you would have his lap memorized and you could tell if there was someone new in the Micky costume. 

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Matthew Mcconaughey is great, I think we can all agree, but I prepose that Hollywood simply isn’t giving us enough of this man.  Let’s send a message to Hollywood right now.  We want and deserve a Matthew Mcconaughey cinematic universe.   

[eatmorebikes]

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Pre-pubescent geckos make the best spy drones.

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Jack, I want you to 3D print me like one of your French girls...