Ranting and stuff.

[thoughts-and-forgetmenots]

7/29/18 4:00am

No longer a Virgin ☺️

[thoughts-and-forgetmenots]

4/25/16

I deserve to be happy

[thoughts-and-forgetmenots]

I've had a boyfriend for a month and two days and I love him very much.

[thoughts-and-forgetmenots]

1/13/16

I have a boyfriend for the first time in 8 years. ☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️

[thoughts-and-forgetmenots]

10/2/15

I'M NOT BROKEN. I CAN ORGASM. I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN DOING IT ALL ALONG. I GOT TO ENJOY IT TODAY AND I CRIED. THAT IS ALL.

[superhaq-deactivated20160607]

Don’t do that to her. Don’t just vanish. You’ll leave her thinking about you every morning when she wakes up and every night before she goes to sleep, for a long, long time. Wondering what happened. Wondering whether she should still worry, or even care about you. Glancing at her phone all the time, hoping that the glow will reflect your name on the screen. Ignoring the fact that deep down she knows it won’t. You’ll become her biggest distraction. She won’t be able to concentrate, and she’ll see pieces of you in everyone she meets. Don’t leave her embarrassed to tell anyone she misses you, or feeling like she’ll look pathetic if she tells them she still loves you. Holding in her feelings and struggling to believe she’s better than this. Don’t be a ghost. Don’t fuck with her head like that. Just don’t. It’s not fair. She’s worth more than that, and you know it.

Because I know how it feels to be haunted // Sophie B (@superhaq)

[thoughts-and-forgetmenots]

9/11/15

I've been putting forth more effort to stay here. But when I mentioned it tonight he still thinks it will be better if I move out. He might be right but I still don't know what to do.

[thoughts-and-forgetmenots]

9/7/15

My whole life is going to change over the next few months and I kind of feel empty about it. I'm making a decision to move away from my best friend in the world and I don't know how to handle it. I am not happy here. And I don't know if I'll be happy "back home" I need to save money and find a place that is my own. Find out who I am on my own. This is all very terrifying.

[tiredanduninspired-]

[thoughts-and-forgetmenots]

Coping

When I was younger I started using a coping mechanism, and I'm not quite sure how it started. But whenever I was upset or angry I hid away from people. I got quiet and put myself into tiny spaces. When getting into arguments with childhood friends I would hide under the bed, or I would go sit in my moms car in the Florida heat until I got too hot or my mom was ready to leave. I would hide in closets, which is hard to do with messy friends. It probably started with those girls. I don't think I really was ever upset like that before I knew them. They "toughened" me up. I was a very sensitive child, and I got upset easily. And when I was "trapped" at their house I had to find a way to cope with that. So I hid. And wouldn't speak. This continued as I got older. I stopped being able to fit under beds, so I would bury myself under covers on top of the bed. I consider the blanket I sleep with at night to be a security blanket because when I'm upset I just lay under it and cry or lay there. In college a girl said something and I got upset. So I went to my dorm room and moved things in my alcove of a closet till I could sit "in my closet" because I wanted to be small and quiet and alone. Another time in college I got really angry and felt trapped in my dorm room so I went into the bathroom, since then that's happened more as well. Especially when I'm angry vs upset. I go lock myself in a bathroom. This coping mechanism is a very big part of who I am. I want to be quiet and small when I'm upset. But now that I'm an "adult" I can't just go hide in a closet when I'm upset, there's usually something I have to do about it, I have to stick up for myself and its really hard. I still don't know how to do it. Especially now that I've realized I'm depressed. Because when I'm upset all I want to do is lay under this blanket and forget the world.

[thoughts-and-forgetmenots]

8/21

I'm going on a date tonight. This will be my first date since my freshman year of highschool, which was 8 years ago. We're going to go see Ant man. I'm so nervous I don't know what to do with myself.

[thoughts-and-forgetmenots]

I just want a boyfriend.

I'm tired of being alone. I want someone to hold me but actually like me and find me attractive. I don't want to be the side ho. I want my own person. That I can really call mine. That I can be cute with and go on dates with. I am so date able it isn't funny so why don't I have one. Dating sites aren't going to help me either. I need to get out in the real world and meet people but I'm so scared. And I'm so lonely. I want someone I can text 24/7. I want to be in love and kiss someone. I want to feel safe and not pressured. I'm so tired of being single.

[thoughts-and-forgetmenots]

This always happens.

You always wanna start shit the second I start my period. Hi. I'm an emotional wreck and am in physical pain. Can we not talk about responsibilities and things. I get that you expect more from me but talking to me about it when I'm already feeling like a pile of shit isn't going to get anything done. It's just going to make me feel like a mountain of shit. AND do you really have to start this shit when we have people over? Or were out at a friends house. Or at a party. Or anything like that? Why can't you confront me about this when it's just you and me? AND why do you always get your way? Like why can't we do things my way ever? I just don't get it.

[thoughts-and-forgetmenots]

I miss him.

It's been over a month since he's said a word to me. I'm still stalking his blog which I should probably stop doing but I miss him. I cared for him deeply and I don't want whatever we had to end because I was drunk and shared my feelings. I've been fucked over so many times in my life and it makes me second guess every little thing I do. I just want someone to talk to 24/7. Someone I can tell everything to without fear of judgement, rejection, or being overwhelming. I probably deserve better or whatever. But I miss him.

[thoughts-and-forgetmenots]

I agreed to be someone's submissive. He had asked me right off the bat but I talked to him for a few more days and I like him. He's really cute. And I trust him. So I said yes. Still not entirely sure how I feel about everything. But honestly it's whatever because I like being called a good girl.

[thoughts-and-forgetmenots]

I fucked up I fucked up I fucked up. I messaged him a million times when I was drunk because I'm stupid. He's probably never going to talk to me again. I was overwhelming. I told him I loved him and that I wanted to know everything about him like I'm some crazy stalker bitch. I'm so afraid I lost him. How come the bad things all happen at once?

[thoughts-and-forgetmenots]

7/22

I am worried. I am afraid. I am scared. I'm worried for how this has affected your relationship. I'm worried for how much you're beating yourself up over this. I'm worried for how hurt she is. I am worried. I am afraid that she's not going to trust you around me. I am so so so afraid that she won't trust me. That she won't trust you. That she'll worry every time we hang out that we're doing things behind her back. I'm afraid to even talk to you about sexual things because it brings up this awful thing. I am afraid. I am scared that she won't want us to cuddle anymore. That she won't want us to be friends. I am scared that if it comes to that I'll surely loose you as a friend and cuddle buddy because I am just a girl that you've known for two months and she is the girl you want to marry, that you love so dearly. And I know you value our friendship, but I wouldn't blame you for dropping me for the love of your life. Yet I am scared. It's not even that I'm in love with you or anything like that. I just don't want the beautiful relationship you have with her to crumble over something we did. I don't want to feel like the dirty mistress. I don't want her to hate me. I don't want you to regret doing things with me. Not that I think you do. I know you don't blame me for this but I am just afraid and worried and scared. I'm scared of being hurt by the first guy I let touch me. The first guy I let myself be comfortable with. I'm also afraid that that will be all there is. That we won't get to do sexual things again. That you won't bring me to orgasm with your fingers. That I won't get to blow you. That I won't get to taste you that I won't get hickeys from you again. That we won't kiss again. That I won't get to hear you moan again. That you won't be my first. Not that any of that matters because I need a friend in this town. I need someone who understands me. That I'm comfortable with. As much as I want the sexual things. I want your friendship the most. Okay, let's be real I probably want your cuddles the most. But I'm terrified that I'm going to loose that. I just want everything to be okay. I wish I could see or hear your conversations. I wish I could know how she feels. About me. About all of this. You told me you had a serious conversation before bed. I want to know what about. I want to know what's been said. What's been established. I'm so afraid that cuddling has been taken off the table. I want to know the in and outs of everything. I want to not be worried. I want to not be afraid. I want to not be scared.