My dating experiences and reflections...

[thoughtsbyjoanna]

9 months of dating later            

Fuck. Dating is hard work. I feel like it is so much harder now than it was before when I was 21 and tried out online dating for the first time. I figured that having a greater range of apps must make it easier - surely- to meet people who are on the same page as you. 

What page is that you say? Well. This has been the biggest problem. I had about a month where I was completely rebounding and I transferred onto the first person I dated all my hopes and dreams of the ‘ideal guy’ . Thank fuck he did not live in London so our contact was automatically limited and I wasn’t a total needy psycho bitch. 

The next phase was me being physically available but an emotional brick wall. I liked the physical intimacy of sex but anything more than that and I would disengage. I wanted to poke my eyes out from boredom at times when this guy F I was sleeping with attempted to connect with me on a deeper level. I felt numb and empty. When I was out I was attracted to guys who reflected back the minimal value I saw myself as having. It was around this time I was diagnosed with depression which was such a huge relief in understanding the person I was then, someone who felt so alien to me. 

With an absolute dream of a therapist, I began to feel confident in my own skin again. I stopped seeing dating as all or nothing and instead began to explore different parts of myself, enjoying the process of meeting new men and learning what turned me on and what made me want to hurl my glass onto the bar floor in despair for humanity. It was exciting. I felt like I was reclaiming my sexual identity as a 27 year old woman. I had one of the most liberating sexual experiences thus far with a VERY sexy man who incorporated both my love of competition with my love of being naked. Despite still being plagued by my introjected guilt and shame that I often feel after more casual sex, this time I was genuinely happy to leave it as a one night stand knowing that it will remain a positive memory. 

Then came the funny dating stories and the humiliating experience of forgetting my purse, spilling the contents of my bag over the floor in a desperate attempt to find it and looking like a spoilt princess who expects her man to pay for everything. Luckily this particular gentleman just wanted to rant about his stressful work life and comment on his surprise that not more people are doing my job with it being so easy…so no big loss really. 

Next came along wonderful C who was so patient, lovely and understanding. I found it hard to articulate my doubts but I knew despite being absolutely gorgeous, affectionate and sincere something was missing. I had a little break from dating after ending things with C and I have really enjoyed embracing self-care as a singleton, finding time to do entirely what I desire and am curious to try. Following a bunch more dates and quite a lot of disappointment lately, I am probably going to delete apps for a while and focus on myself more again.

To me dating can be both an emotional and energy drainer or an incredible adventure. When I start to feel like it has become more of the former I have decided to stop actively dating to focus instead on the opportunities being single provides me with. 

[thoughtsbyjoanna]

To the one I deeply loved

I don’t know how to articulate all the feelings I have when I think about you. I have never loved someone the way I loved you.

I was in such a happy place when I met you, to which you only added to. I felt confident and sexy around you and I can see how over time many of your frustrations with how I chose to do things were because you wanted me to be the best I could be.

For the first 3 years I can honestly say I was happy and I feel that we brought out better qualities in each other. You made me less afraid to voice my thoughts and opinions and showed me how to live in the moment. You are such a thoughtful, considerate person and I am sad that there is no chance of still having you in my life in some way.   

We ended so badly. 

I knew you would react angrily to me challenging you about areas in our relationship that felt unequal but as I have grown to value myself more I started noticing certain ways you related to me that were unkind and unhealthy. I began to realise how many of my own needs were not being met and because these did not match your own, these were disregarded. You later said that we never even tried to make us work but you did not recognise how much of myself I had given in the months before I realised you were unwilling to truly look at yourself. You thought I was attacking and selfish for expressing what I needed from you and I think here you were wrong. You critiqued my behaviour constantly but I never found fault with who you are but rather how you communicated and related to me. I repeated myself again and again like a noisy drone because I was so desperate for you to recognise the significance of what I was saying, knowing I could not stay with you if we were to carry on as we were.. 

I felt so disconnected from you by the end and maybe you felt this way too. It would help me understand how it was possible to speak to me with the level of hatred you did. There was no going back from that. It was the worst experience of my life. I felt as if you picked apart everything that makes me who I am and for the person I loved most in the world to say those things about me made me question everything about myself. I had to really ground myself, remind myself that you were hurting and stand firm in my own truth but the impact that had on me was huge. I would never have been able to trust you after that and so I knew then that it was completely over.

On reflection I think we were both guilty of being out of tune with each others needs. I’ve realised I would do for you what I wanted you to do for me and I think you may have done the same. Whether this was the core problem or not our relationship changed and I think that rather than evolving together and becoming stronger in our love for each other we grew further apart. 

Despite everything I have made peace about the end of what was, for the majority, a wonderful relationship and this has been hugely liberating. I still think the world of you and at the same time I care enough about myself to know that I did the right thing for me by prioritising my own happiness. 

It is strange to write this at the start of the new year but I now have closure about the events that occurred in 2018 and this makes me feel positive about what this year will bring. 

[thoughtsbyjoanna]

To my first ‘serious’ relationship

I’’m rolling my eyes writing that🙄🙄🙄. You were outgoing, charismatic and within 6 days of spending every day together we were exclusive. I actually don’t remember much of what we did together now.. we had a year where we were both at Uni together and although it pains me to say it I guess I did love you then. But there were already warning signs right from the start. You were so insecure and made comments about me that only heightened my existing insecurities and it was because of these I defended your actions. It was exhausting explaining to others that you actually were “really sweet” and were “only trying to be funny” and I dreaded what you would say to people next. Even then you had begun to lie about things you were doing or had done in order to make yourself appear more impressive. You even made up bullshit stories about your experiences of the army. I was so scared to confront you because of how awful it would make me if I was wrong...but I knew. I was not as gullible as you thought I was but I made exceptions for you as you painted yourself as a poor, misunderstood boy and I wanted to be the one to rescue you from your pain. Not challenging you was on me as much as you. 

You were so childish with your ridiculous walkouts and luckily after the second birthday in a row I was left in tears after things you said to me -publicly- I had had enough. I can see now how that relationship was so unbalanced. I held you up whereas you pushed me back. I previously regretted not breaking up with you sooner but I understand this now- of course it took me time to get to that conclusion. It was daunting to leave the first person I imagined having a future with and going through this process helped me better value my own happiness. 

Big up my parents for not bringing you along to my graduation though🙌

[thoughtsbyjoanna]

To the one who was always more than just a friend

I have never had such an immediate connection with anyone like I had with you on the day we met. I was a bit taken aback when you kissed me and I have never been able to work out why as I have always found you attractive but even then I could not work out what you were to me. I was so unsure how I saw you in the weeks following but I just wanted to get to know you more and I grew to really care about you and your happiness in the way I feel you cared and care about mine. Our relationship was so genuine and so I still feel mean for telling you I was not ready to be in a relationship rather than being honest and saying I was scared of losing my friendship with you that was so important in a time I felt quite isolated. 

Seeing you this year, my stomach was in knots. You were going away and I never made the most of you being here. I felt nervous and awkward being around you but also so happy to see you again. I also was questioning my own relationship and those “what if” thoughts played in my head again. You have so many qualities he does not have and there was undeniable chemistry between us. I was confused when I met your girlfriend. You were trying so hard and she was so standoffish. It felt cruel. I hope you meet someone who has the creative energy you have. You deserve to be with someone who prioritises your needs as well as their own. I just don’t think that person is me and I still don’t know why. Full circle I guess.  

[thoughtsbyjoanna]

To a holiday blur

Oh you were exciting. I remember running down the streets of Dublin with you, dancing in the bars, kissing on top of the bridge... I felt like I was in a movie. 

Then you were the lost boy who I was “too good” for. 

Despite this, what I now see to be accurate revelation, you decided to continually try and persuade me to sleep with you, very much ignoring my repeated decision not to. I felt like a doll with all the stuffing removed, simply there for you to play with. More stuff happened that night than I wanted and if I could relive this experience now, I would confidently tell you to fuck off and send you on your merry way.

I completely detached myself from what happened after then too. It was all such a mess. I could not allow myself to feel anger towards you or her because what would it say about me if two people could do this. Somehow my giddy 18 year old brain still saw you as mysterious and misunderstood and I still wanted you to want me. Our shared love for music made me feel like we understood each other on a really personal level. 

When I went to watch your band perform weeks later, upon seeing me you passionately kissed me and I felt good about myself being with you, happy to ignore your selfish ways. 

I did have fun with you in parts and your one saving grace was that you never promised me anything. However it is never okay to disregard someone’s feelings and thankfully I have now learnt to actually vocalise these.

[thoughtsbyjoanna]

To my first meeting of an excellent fuckboy

Yes I was naive and yes perhaps I should have seen the signs but why should I have known better? You should have known better. The lowest moment was leaving my friends to wait for you in McDonald’s on my own until 3am just so I could see you. I was infatuated and you knew that but weirdly you were proud of your ability to fool people, telling me at a later point how you were cheating on your girlfriend with two other (presumably unassuming) women. Not sure why you told me...did you want me to pat you on the back or perhaps soothe the tiny part of you that felt some remorse? 

I thought you were too good for me. You were charming, mysterious and the most attractive guy I had ever been with. I could not believe you would be interested and so I ended up being so far removed from myself in my attempts to be a girl who was worth your attention. 

It was actually a relief to discover your intention to fuck other girls as I finally knew where I stood. The worst part was the mixed messages - reading outloud  to me in bed, inviting me to hang out with your friends and even meeting my family, with days in between of nothing followed by a quick panic text when you thought I might lose interest or move on.

I was bliiiiinded and when the sun finally did go down I felt shocked and embarrassed thinking about what an idiot I had been. The childish part of myself would love to meet you now so I could play you at your own game, because I know I could...and better. Almost 10 years later I can be more gentle with my younger self and with you however. What you wanted was never the problem but failing to communicate your intentions was. Thank god I never was in a “committed” relationship with you.  

You must have incredible intuition to have invited me out with you the day after I had met someone new. I bloody loved saying no. 

[thoughtsbyjoanna]

To the gentle giant

You were nervous and clumsy but this gave me the chance to take control and I think this suited both of us. I felt powerful with you, probably because it felt like I could do no wrong in your eyes and you worshipped the ground I walked on. 

I think now that you liked the idea of me -  this free spirited girl who gave you excitement at a time when you felt so lost in your own dreams and motivations. You were kind, affectionate and considerate and I am grateful for the time we had. I can see now, however, the amount of imbalance in the relationship (cue Lily Allen ‘It’s not fair’) and I did not recognise it at the time but I wronged you too. I misled you into thinking there was a chance we could be something when I knew there never would be and I let you hold onto a false sense of hope for months. That was unfair and cruel and I was soon going to experience this myself. Karma’s a bitch. 

[thoughtsbyjoanna]

To recognising my ability to deeply trust

You were the one I experienced many of my firsts with. I felt so powerful having a boyfriend like you and the excitement only increased due to the initial secrecy of the relationship. I remember my parents finding out about you and their sadness at me no longer being a virgin, as though my pure soul had been ripped out of my body. This was such a confusing time for me in beginning to establish my own identity and morals. I felt proud of myself for standing up for these but still ashamed of my actions. How could you have understood the complexity of all that or known how much it would impact me to discover you had cheated. I trusted you wholeheartedly and thought you were joking which says a lot about your sense of humour. I tried to move past it but when you spoke of a future for us I knew there wouldn’t be one and ended it soon after. If someone mentions your name now I laugh about the seriousness of which I saw the relationship then but you were very significant for me in that stage of my life and made me realise that I need to be careful before investing all my trust into someone.

[thoughtsbyjoanna]

To the sweet one and my timid self

You were such a great introduction to the world of dating. I remember the nerves and butterflies I felt every time I saw or spoke to you and the way you would shower me words of affection. You even baked us biscuits which was a great insight into how to win over a 27  14 year old’s heart. You were respectful and considerate, patient with how awkwardly I handled my own body. Soon your words felt too superficial and the excitement disappeared but I am grateful that you left me with a positive impression of love. 

[thoughtsbyjoanna]

Purpose of these rambles

I read an article in @glamour magazine recently where Caroline Flack wrote letters to all her ex-lovers / significant others from her past and I imagined how cathartic doing that must have been for her. Having fairly recently had an almost 4 year relationship break down I thought I might do the same and also consider what I have learnt along the way 

[thoughtsbyjoanna]

To all the boys who have shaped my perception of men