My Journal @thoughtsn-feelings - Tumblr Blog

Am just a burden.

#thoughts #feelings #thoughts and feelings #talking to the void #depression #loneliness

Sometimes it feels like no one would care of I disappeared. And I know, intellectually, that people would but. I dunno.

Today's just not a good day for me I guess. It started fine, even good, and I was happy and then I just S T O P P E D.

And I keep thinking about how I'm always the one to text first and I'm the one who keeps the conversation going. Hell, my fucking brother couldn't care less about me. I just. I know that there are people who like me, who enjoy my company, but. I wish that I was someone that people Sought Out. Not a "decently cool person" but someone that people thought of. I want someone to text me because they want to tell me about a meaningless thing that happened in their day instead of going weeks or months or years without saying anything because I didn't text them.

And I'm not being fair because I KNOW that my best friend likes me and carves out a chunk of her day when she can so that we can talk and she'll put her phone on DND while we call because "this is important!" but. I wish I had more than One Person.

#depression #anxiety #loneliness #lonely #fuck #what am i even doing #i should just. stop.#personal #rhee

Tried to talk to a friend and I just feel worse now. I feel legitimately stupid. I can't follow the conversation and I'm asking stupid questions and he's nice but we also aren't that close and I'm just being annoying, just like always, Fuck

paddfoot

idk man the thing that sucks about not being really pretty is that no matter what you tell yourself and what your friends might say, you sort of always know that you’re just not. and i’m not talking about being stubborn and fishing for compliments, it’s just knowing that you’re not conventionally attractive, that people on the street won’t double-take when you pass by them, that people won’t be flustered trying to talk to you. and i know looks aren’t everything but damn it sure feels like it when you aren’t absolutely gorgeous

I'm useless. All I do is bother people. I should just shut up, all I do is talk, people don't fucking care about my stupid little thoughts, I'm just being annoying.

Things are already shitty, they shouldn't have to put up with me too.

#I'm an annoyance #just stop #feelings #depression

If people are gonna be late could they just... Send a text?

i feel like all i am is an inconvenience.

#depression #my mental health is real bad rn

i have one friend and theyre super busy, they shouldn’t have to deal with my shit, i should have my shit together but finals are overwhelming me and i don’t know how to write this paper and im gonna fail my final tomorrow and im useless, why am i bothering, people dont like me, its only a matter of time before everyone leaves and i cant handle that and i have like a single acquaintance that lives anywhere close to me but fuck. he doesn’t fucking like me, im insufferable, bet he can’t wait until classes are over and he never has to see me again. and. people will be an acquaintance or they’ll have friendly conversations and say that they want to make plans but they really don’t they never want to followup and then i look stupid and clingy as always and FUCK

#venting to the void #fuck #im sorry

Family Drama: Check

College Stress: Check

Expenses that are piling up: Check

Family Drama Again: Check

Sick Family Member: Check

Sick Pet: Check

No Friends within a hundred miles: Check

Anxiety: Check

Depression: Check

Fucked up Ankle: Check

#hahahahaha #sobs

It’d be nice if people didn’t just... go into the box that’s mine and take stuff from it.

#'wow this snack is way better than the ones the in the rest of batch'#yeah that's because it's not part of that batch #it's from a different brand #and was in my box for a reason #you know #because it was mine #and it's not like i can just buy more #because they only sold them for like two weeks near me #so #yeah #what the fuck

i just want to matter.

I feel guilty because I have a best friend - I adore them and they’re great but I still want more. They go to a college a couple hours away and we mostly text, now, and I just... I want a friend here. I want someone to ask me how I’m doing and ask if classes are good and talk about stupid shit with and study together and bitch about my professor who doesn’t seem to understand what a survey class is. I want a person here instead of miles away.

I want more than one friend. I want someone else to care. And I feel so guilty because I already have this great person.

I’m just...

I’m so lonely.

#thoughts and feelings #venting to the void #I don't know how to make friends #Or maybe I do and people just... don't like me #I'm too much #(Not enough either)#There's someone I want to be friends with but I really don't think they like me #I can't tell the difference anymore #they laugh at my jokes most of the time #is it a real laugh though?#Or are they just laughing out of pity because the fat chick is obviously desperate?#I dunno #Everything sucks today #I want to cry #But then people (family) would ask questions and tell me that they're sure things are fine #which does not help with the loneliness or depression or crying #thanks

Fuck People

One day without judgement. One.

I forgot how much school makes me hate myself

#college #i have 25 pages to read and i can't do it #don't worry i hate me too #im going to fail everything #i have to be perfect #i dont know what im doing #i want my grandma

I know my own limits, okay, so if I say no, even dealing with an automated service on the phone will make me panic I mean that EVEN DEALING WITH AN AUTOMATED SERVICE ON THE PHONE WILL MAKE ME PANIC. YES I understand that seems stupid to you, it is stupid but considering she ALSO has anxiety you’d think she’d be a little more understanding. I don’t care that it’s a goddamn computer, it’ll still make me panic so if you could call it in like I asked you to LAST FUCKING WEEK. I’d appreciate it.

#rant #thoughts #feelings #journal #venting to the void #I just wanted a decent day #I woke up and was actually fine for once #I didn't want to have to deal with something so anxiety inducing and ruin it #of course #now I'm crying so we know how THAT worked out don't we #depression #anxiety #it's a fear of messing up that makes me panic I think #what if I get something WRONG

I just feel hollow

#thoughts #feelings #journal #talking to the void #depression #numb #hollow

I'm mixed but I feel kind of weird like. Claiming that? My mom's mixed and so I'm at the very least *technically* mixed (1/4) but I always feel saying that because sometimes people don't believe me? Like, I was at the hospital one time, checking in, and the admittance person asked me my race, obviously expecting me to say white, and when I said mixed she was all, "really? What races?" and when I said white and black she legit laughed in my face. Another time the doctor didn't even bother asking me and put down white without checking. THAT'S how pale I am. So. I dunno. I don't think there was a real point to this. Just that I feel weird saying I'm mixed.

#journal #journal entry #thoughts #feelings #talking to the void #mixed race #late night introspection

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