here i can send my thoughts into the void

I'm too into romantic comedies

[thoughtsoahr]

Mmm restriction for dinner

[thoughtsoahr]

A second chance is a rare gift from me

[thoughtsoahr]

Im not here to make you like me, im here to feel MY best for MYSELF

[thoughtsoahr]

Its ~body dysmorphia~ isnt it

[thoughtsoahr]

11.29.20

i dont get it??

like i llove my mom and i know how much she has sacrificed to give me the life i have now and i know she loves me very much but i cant be in the same room with her for too long. she talks nonstop about this celebrity -- has even called him her son-- which fine, i dont care if you fangirl over a celeb i do it too!!, but somehow i feel like the tone she gives off when talking about him is somewhat condescending or passive aggressive toward me and my sister? like the tone is like “why arent you as good as him” kinda vibes idk its kinda hard to pinpoint... like for example she said to me this morning: “what did you get on your ap spanish exam?” and i said “4″ and thenn she said “you should practice more so u dont forget” so i said “oh yeah ill try thankks” and then she was like “... because (celebrity’s name) said he practices other skillls in whatever free time he gets!” and like... why is she so hyper fixated on him? i cant tell if this is just me being too oversensitive or maybe shes mentally ill or i dont know but she didnt used to be like this... she can only talk about him now and im kind of sick of it. i dont even know why im sick of it like im SO ffor letting peooplle enjoy what they want to enjoy but for some reason this bothers me so much. maybe because me nor my sister got this amount of praise from my mother in the past or like ever and now shes throwing around praise all willy nilly to a celleb she hasnt even met. llike yeah hes so successful and hes worked very hard and sacrificed so much to get where he is whiich yes good for him he deserves the fame and everything but bro... ur own daughters.... lmfao. a lil wack?? llike i also want to spend more time with her because shes getting old and i know i should be grateffull for the time i have with her but bro I LITERALLY CANT BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITHOUT GETTING STRESSED

also over the summer shes the one who said “you should exercise your waist more!” and promptly offers me lilke 10000 lbs of food to eat or bring back like wtf

[thoughtsoahr]

But what if your brain is a toxic environment? How do you escape that?

[thoughtsoahr]

Alas, i do not have time for a boyfriend right now. 10.14.20

[thoughtsoahr]

10.10.20

i feel like im really drawn to careers that interect with people? like a cafe owner or working at a cafe/ hairdresser or smth like that? because youre providing a service for someone and in most cases, when peoople go to cafes to buy a pastry or to the hairdresser to get a new haircut, its to make themselves feel good! And taking part in something like that-- providing a service that positively impacts their life however small-- makes me feel good too!! arent we all here to just have fun and feel good?

[thoughtsoahr]

09.29.20

will i be able to find it?

is it supposed to find me?

or is it something that doesnt yet exist?

[thoughtsoahr]

Well its because i hate myself innit? 🥴

[thoughtsoahr]

09.18.20

not be needlessly worrying about everything in my life

[thoughtsoahr]

09.07.20

sometimes i just want to yell all my worries and anxieties into a void but i also want someone to hear me and tell me its going to be okay

also i have this very irrrational fear that anytime something good happens something bad will happen after as kind of like a checks and balances kind of deal... like the good karma im reaping right now puts an equal amount of bad karma in the world that will come back eventually...like some things really are too good to be true and its much more realistic and i guess comfortable to continue being mediocre and not pursue what i really want...

[thoughtsoahr]

09.06.20

sometimes youc ant help but to feel like a bitter bitch

[thoughtsoahr]

08/19/20

watched a video that said “asian parents are high on criticism and low on affection” and i feel that heavy. like criticize me fine but then when i go to do stuff on my own ...

it seems like every chance she gets theres SOMETHING to nitpick. i dont do my own laundry, i dont clean my bathroom or bedroom (which i literally just organized them like a week and a half ago). like woman what do you want me to do. if you dont want to do it for me, then dont. ill do it myself. ive obviously proven that i can live on my own at school for the past 3 years so what gives. if its not my habits, then its my body. she literally said “you could work on your waist a little more” like wtf who says that this is my body ill do what i want and what makes me comfortable. dont complain about my habits if you keep on willingly doing the tasks for me and when i go and offer to do it myself you refuse to let me or insist on helping me. ive gotten to come to terms that theres no arguing it it works better to just stay silent when shes complaining about shit like this. im so sick of it. 

and i know it comes from a place of love (i guess) and she worries for me and how ill be able to lilve on my own (looking out for my wellbeing) which tough love asian tiger mom i gUESS but the manner in which shes going about it is so psychologically damaging there surely are better ways to go about it.

also side note it seems like the days are moving by faster each day but nothing is getting done at the same time

[thoughtsoahr]

08/12/2020

i deleted all my accounts on all my dating apps

[thoughtsoahr]

08/09/2020

it feels bittersweet

like theres so much to look forward to

yet

the world is stagnant at the same time

i can see the trail ahead

but i cannot travel beyond the parking lot

making loops around the lot with the promise of the scenery if i could just walk a few more steps

[thoughtsoahr]

07.25.20

ah shit im simping again. hi tumblr, thanks for being my writing outlet when my thoughts are too jumbled to write in my journal and too embarassing/ outlandish to form cohesive sentances. 

oh god when did this start happening? literrally the obsession is happening again. i look up your fucking soundcloud and listen to almost everything. you know the first time i listened to them i was like eh its okay but today i was like wow theyre pretty fucking good maybe its because im getting a big fat crush on you right now. it keeps growing and i cant stop it but i know nothings gonna come out of it because were in fucking quarentine in 2020 and aint nobody who has a brain at least is going on any dates or making any moves. i just wish i wouldnt be so lonely and project my feellings on the closest and most convenient male body. you told me you were going to eat kimchi jjigae and you know what i googled pictures of fucking kimchijjigae lMLaO WHO THE FUCK AM I HELP MAKE IT STOP I DONT WANT ANOTHER CRUSH I JUST GOT OVER THE OLD ONE PLS