July 7, 2017
I’m here at work, bored out of my mind and struggling with a the realization that Alex isn’t interested. I swiped right. He clearly didn’t. Somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind I’m hoping that maybe he just hasn’t been on, that he just hasn’t seen me, that I’ll still get the notification. “You have a new match!”
But I can’t think like that. I can’t. I NEED to move on. Well, rather, I need to mourn first then move on.
That was literally the only reason I even redownloaded Tinder. I’ve no interest in dating anyone yet. Definitely not. I just needed to see if we could reconnect. Third time’s the charm, right? And all the conditions are the same as last year - a visit to Warrendale, a gallery crawl with Sara, an upcoming vacation, summer, Dandy Warhols on repeat...it just screams of last year.
Meet you on the bridge again? Tofu tacos? Hold my hand in the park?
The fuck is wrong with me?
Why am I so convinced he and I should be something? He has so so so many flaws and has been a terrible person to me so why I can’t look past it? Why can’t I move on? And god I do not want to eat a carton of Ben & Jerry’s and drink a bottle of wine every day until I balloon up to 130lbs again. I’m still struggling to get back down to below 110.
What a mess.
Meanwhile I’m pissed out of my mind because here I am 500000 miles away from home at work in West Virginia when apparently I didn’t even need to be out here? And then I was hopeful that maybe we’d leave early, work from home in the afternoon, and that isn’t happening either.
Basically I’m in a shitty, shitty mood and I’m so angry and upset about everything I just want to cry but I’m at work so I can’t but goddamnit, as soon as it’s 4:30 and we leave and I sit in my car, let the angry tears fucking flow.