Facing my giant
Not long ago, during an RCIA session, a fellow sponsor mentioned that "in some point in our life, our faith will be challenged and tested".
I remember nodding my head away, wondering how complicated it could get. The truth is, I've never really been challenged and it was always smooth sailing for me. I should've watched my word (or rather, my thoughts).
A year and many life events later, it happened. My mother happened.
It was never easy for me to relate to my mother. She is always guarded and rarely shares her thoughts and feelings openly to our family. And her way of showing displeasure would usually start with a cold war. So as you can imagine, we never had heart-to-heart conversations.
I believe I fuelled her behaviour by always submitting to her actions; like doing things just so that she would not get upset, or not talking about things that would cause her distress. Hiding the truths from her was never a good idea to begin with.
My mother had a difficult childhood. I think her fears and unhappiness from the past moulded her present character. And I suppose that's why she behaves the way she does when she faces a situation that reminds her of her past.
A couple of months back, I did some things that made her really upset. Then a cold war swiftly swept through the house and we're now well into the fourth month of 'winter'. Not cool.
I know it's a bad idea for us to not talk to each other at all, but since I grew up with her behaving this way, I was actually used to it - and almost getting comfortable with it.
I prayed about it, but without much conviction. Most of the time I was asking Mother Mary why my mother was so difficult to deal with. I even tried asking Mother Mary to counsel my mother.
Of all prayers that God could've granted, He chose to answer this one.
My godmother, who's got this amazing gift of intuition, called me up recently and we had a long conversation about my family situation and the very unpleasant cold war. She told me that it was time I faced my 'giant'. Her words were soothing and kind, yet it felt like a sharp awakening slap.
I had to stop pretending that things would get better. I had to do something about it. I had to help my mother.
It wasn't so much the things that I've done to upset her. It was consoling and healing that I had to bring to her. She's a broken soul, still traumatised by her past and she needed comfort.
But I'm scared. I've always been afraid of her harsh words and curt replies. It's probably what's holding me back from dealing with this situation.
So my godmother came up with this game plan for me to approach my mother to try and work things out. All pumped up and ready to take off, I plucked up the courage to speak to her, but I was faced with a flat rejection.
I was broken. I ran to my room to pray and I asked Jesus why I was challenged this way. I told him that it was too hard and I couldn't do it. Almost instantly, I imagined him reply "I carried the cross for you, what you're dealing with can't be that difficult."
I felt ashamed for that moment of self-pity. How could I compare my burdens to the weight of His cross. I must pull my weight and bear my own cross.
Since that day, I haven't moved very far from the starting point, but I think I've made some progress. I poured out my thoughts and concerns to my mother in an email, and hopefully she replies.
I still can't comprehend this irrational fear I have of her, but it's a giant that I need to face. I cannot let myself be trapped by it, and I believe God is guiding me out of this maze.
There's still a long way to go, but I'm determined to reconcile the relationship with my mother and to help her find happiness. I need to find peace and fulfil His mission.
Please pray for us - God be with you.