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if i look back, i am lost
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@thrndy
and i went across the river / and through doorways in the trees / to the sunlight's call, beyond the walls / that couldn't hold me .
an independent and mildly canon divergent katniss everdeen . by bee (28, est, they/she). re-est may 2026.
CHASE INFINITI via Instagram (aureliepayenmakeup)
@encharms
it's late. i didn't look at the clock when i stumbled out of bed in a cold sweat. the sun outside the kitchen window hasn't even started streaking the sky with pink and orange yet, and an unsteady glance at the moon gives me the impression that it's somewhere between two and three in the morning. my traitor hands won't stop shaking around the handle of the kettle that i half-heartedly filled before realizing the whistling will wake either mom or prim. i don't want either of them to worry more than they already do. "stop staring at me like that." i hiss at prim's damned cat as i open the door and close it as quietly as i can. my boots - only half-tied before i gave up on them - sound too loud as i pad across the lane of the victor's village. it's dead quiet; one of the lights is still on in haymitch's house, but i doubt he's concious. that's not where i'm going anyway, despite the sick feeling of shame and discomfort that coils in my stomach as i step up to peeta's door and swallow hard. when i knock i'm half hoping he doesn't answer. it's not fair to do this; i've been avoiding him, and now here i am in the dead of his night in my robe and half-done boots, tears still drying on my cheeks. but i don't care about fair right now. not with the victory tour looming.
starter call - please be sure to specify which muse of yours if you're a multi :)
last call for now ; i'm going to finally get started on these tonight & tomorrow :)
“i guess so,” enobaria murmurs. she wishes she had a cigarette, or something to do with her hands. she's gnawing at the inside of her cheek, the sharp pain almost a comfort. at least it's a familiar feeling, unlike everything else that she's feeling in this moment.
she doesn't regret voting yes. she wants to take everything away from them, wants them to hurt the way that she does. wants them to learn what it's like to lose someone the way she had, and she doesn't care much how it happens — whether that's a capitol games or just getting gunned down the way the rest of her fellow district two victors had.
she wonders how the rest of them would've voted, if they'd been here. not that it matters, because they aren't, she reminds herself, and swallows hard to keep the tears from coming, the taste of blood familiar in her mouth.
“why'd you do it?” she asks suddenly, breaking the silence. “vote yes, i mean.”
"why did you?" it comes out all sharp and defensive. i think i have the right to sound like that. my fingers curl around the inside of my elbows as i slump back into the too-fancy chair, all gold and cream cushions. will coin reupholster everything into her favorite flat grey when she moves in, or does she actually secretly like the opulence - as long as she's the one reveling in it. something twists uncomfortably in the pit of my stomach at the thought.
the longer i look at enobaria, the harder it is to hold onto the sharp point of anger and discomfort that always pricks into my mind when i see her. her eyes almost look wet. what made her vote? sheer hatred? anger? i can understand that. the need for revenge. it's what - well. in our own ways, we voted yes for the same reason, didn't we? she just doesn't know it yet. no one does.
" - for my sister." like everything has been, and it's all been for nothing. a bright flash. screaming. prim's eyes, the way she hadn't even known to be afraid. maybe that should be comforting but it makes me feel like i might throw up. my fingers tighten and i shake my head to try and shake the thought loose, knowing i won't be able to. she's all i've been able to see any time i close my eyes.
yay the weekend ... i'm going to write this weekend!
𝑺𝑬𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑪𝑬 𝑷𝑹𝑶𝑴𝑷𝑻𝑺.
↬ THE LANGUAGE OF THORNS, midnight tales and dangerous magic. ( 2017 ) by leigh bardugo.
sentences taken from or inspired by the collection’s dialogue & narration.
+ feel free to change pronouns !
i. AYAMA AND THE THORN WOOD.
‘ love speaks in flowers. truth requires thorns. ’
‘ we all know the story of how the queen becomes a queen. ’
‘ we should leave this place. ’
‘ no doubt it will come and devour us all. ’
‘ the beast will laugh you right out of the wild lands. ’
‘ you know how the stories go. interesting things happen only to pretty girls. ’
‘ is the wood much worse than a garden overgrown with pricklers ? ’
‘ stupid girl ! do you wish to become a monster ? ’
‘ strike me. cleave me in two. ’
‘ you’re as thorny as the wood. ’
‘ there is but one rule in my wood. speak truth. ’
‘ perhaps you might show mercy freely. ’
‘ just eat a bit of the sun to fill the sky, and you will feel empty no longer. ’
‘ what nonsense ! of course that’s not how the story ends. ’
‘ some people are born with a piece of night inside, and that hollow place can never be filled. ’
‘ what do i care for winter ? no season touches this wood. ’
‘ you know the only bargain i will make. ’
‘ sometimes the unseen is not to be feared and those that are meant to love us most are not always the ones that do. ’
‘ bad fates do not always follow those that deserve them. ’
‘ no prince is worth your life. ’
‘ are you so eager to be eaten ? ’
‘ they have told me to return with your heart. ’
‘ you think to love a monster ? ’
‘ a man like you is owed no words. ’
ii. THE TOO CLEVER FOX.
‘ you are doomed to a miserable life. ’
‘ better to be hungry now than to be sorry later. ’
‘ what will everyone say when they see such a face ? ’
‘ we have not gone so soft as that. ’
‘ you think that we will let you live on foolish promises ? ’
‘ you have bested me. that much is clear. ’
‘ will you not free me ? ’
‘ you will have a fine time of it, i can tell you. ’
‘ i can bear ugliness. i find the one thing i cannot live with is death. ’
‘ if you will only cease your talking, i will gladly go. ’
‘ where he went, he bled the woods dry. ’
‘ what’s a bit more blood ? ’
‘ you should leave this place. you are not safe here. ’
‘ with such big eyes, i think you see too much. ’
‘ will you not tell me what troubles you ? ’
‘ why do you stay with him ? you’re pretty enough to catch a husband. ’
‘ just because you escape one trap, doesn’t mean you will escape the next. ’
‘ first i must find my courage. ’
‘ few can resist the sight of a pretty girl crying. ’
‘ the trap is loneliness, and no one escapes it. not even me. ’
‘ in the wood, even songbirds must be survivors. ’
iii. THE WITCH OF DUVA.
‘ there was a time when the wood ate girls. ’
‘ be back before dark. the trees are hungry tonight. ’
‘ who can say what shapes an appetite ? ’
‘ this is my home, you can’t just send me away. ’
‘ don’t be foolish. there’s plenty of light. ’
‘ well then, come help me stir the pot. ’
‘ i will warn you just this once. go. ’
‘ you cannot come and go from this place like you’re fetching water from a well. ’
‘ hope made me stubborn. ’
‘ stay there and keep quiet. i don’t need rumors that i’ve been taking girls. ’
‘ i will not have you bring a monster to my door. ’
‘ you know that you are welcome to remain here with me. ’
‘ i will follow her. i will peck out her eyes. ’
‘ believe me. say you believe me. ’
‘ dark things have a way of slipping through narrow spaces. ’
iv. LITTLE KNIFE.
‘ it is dangerous to travel the northern road with a troubled heart. ’
‘ if you are lost in your own thoughts, you may find yourself stepping off the path and into the dark woods. ’
‘ she was beautiful from the moment of her birth. ’
‘ why must i be the one to hide ? ’
‘ do you think i am so foolish or so cruel ? ’
‘ water only wants direction. it wants to be told what to do. ’
‘ always you have done my bidding, but what good are you to me now ? ’
‘ soon i will be very rich, but will i have a good man ? ’
‘ that is a question for the river. ’
‘ your tongue is not fit for my true name. ’
‘ will you come with me, and be bride to nothing but the shore ? ’
‘ she was terrifying in her beauty, bright like a devouring star. ’
‘ remember that to use a thing is not to own it. ’
‘ should you ever take a bride, listen closely to her questions. ’
v. THE SOLDIER PRINCE.
‘ this is the problem with even lesser demons. they come to your door in velvet coats and polished shoes. ’
‘ you will find great love and more gold than you could wish for. ’
‘ he’s a charming fellow, but most unusual, and peculiarities seem to follow him. ’
’ it seemed harmless at the time. ’
‘ he needed a girl, still malleable, one that he could make admire him. ’
‘ this is pleasant. this is enough. ’
‘ are you my soldier ? are you my prince ? ’
‘ i have not come to fight, only to talk. ’
‘ wanting is why people get up in the morning. it gives them something to dream of at night. ’
‘ i am perfectly real. ’
‘ she loves you, though, and that will make it harder. ’
‘ best not to ask. i think the answer would please no one. ’
‘ we can stay forever in the land of dreams. ’
‘ kiss me. take me from this place. ’
‘ i sent you to die a hundred times. ’
‘ i eat the wonder in their eyes. ’
‘ you were an idea in my head. you were nothing, and to nothing you will return when i think of you no more. ’
‘ you wanted only that i might live. you would sacrifice your own life to make it so. ’
‘ are you my darling ? are you mine ? ’
vi. WHEN WATER SANG FIRE.
‘ you wish to strike a bargain. ’
‘ make me someone new. ’
‘ this is the problem with making a thing forbidden. it does nothing but build an ache in the heart. ’
‘ easy magic is pretty. great magic requires that you trouble the waters. ’
‘ no one expects me to accomplish anything. ’
‘ i can smell your ambition like blood in the water.’
‘ i know that you should keep it like a secret, not shout it like a curse. ’
‘ yes. i can imagine it all. ’
‘ you are worth more than that. you should not have to earn him. ’
‘ hope rises like water trapped beneath a dam, higher and higher, in increments that mean nothing until you face the flood. ’
‘ there is no pain like the pain of transformation. ’
‘ take your pleasures as you will. ’
‘ come, and i’ll tell you all you wish to know. ’
‘ he made me dream of things i cannot have. ’
‘ i do not care for dancing. ’
‘ look into the mirror, and try to deny it. ’
‘ you have never been like the others, and you never will be. ’
‘ we were not made to please princes. ’
‘ i am not quite mortal either, and i have many lives to live. ’
‘ i wouldn’t care if you were part human or part frog. ’
‘ my voice is not enough. ’
‘ you know i was never strong. ’
starter call - please be sure to specify which muse of yours if you're a multi :)
starter call - please be sure to specify which muse of yours if you're a multi :)
Lover Is Childlike - The Low Anthem
i've been busy playing tomodachi and i regret to inform you that enjolras and cosette from les mis have fallen in love with haymitch at first sight
— BERTOLT BRECHT, trans. John Willett.
✎ㅤ. . .ㅤ𝑩𝑳𝑶𝑶𝑫 𝑨𝑵𝑫 𝑫𝑨𝑹𝑲𝑵𝑬𝑺𝑺.
₊˚⊹ ㅤa collection of loose quotes taken from various characters from hades (supergiant games). these quotes are from the first game of the series. writing/roleplaying prompts. from fluff to angst! feel free to edit as you see fit, especially since some are gendered.
❝ i’m leaving. try and stop me. ❞ ❝ that could have gone better. ❞ ❝ why can’t you just stay? ❞ ❝ i wish you could come with me. ❞ ❝ you’re coming with me. ❞ ❝ i have to take you back. ❞ ❝ but for you, i will be making an exception. ❞ ❝ whew… they’re gone. ❞ ❝ now, come on, we got places to be! ❞ ❝ may the fates favour your journey. ❞ ❝ oh you know, i’d rather have my eyes put out, but thanks for offering! ❞ ❝ if only… ❞ ❝ you should be ashamed of yourself, and learn your place. ❞ ❝ ahh, so you are taking pity on me, then? ❞ ❝ i’m sorry that it has to be this way. ❞ ❝ you’re late. ❞ ❝ will i see you soon? ❞ ❝ did you miss me? ❞ ❝ i’m home. ❞ ❝ we’re heading home. ❞ ❝ you… came back? ❞ ❝ i hope i didn’t keep you waiting very long, did i? ❞ ❝ is something wrong? ❞ ❝ i can’t believe this. ❞ ❝ i’m in your debt. ❞ ❝ there’s going to be payback, you know. ❞ ❝ … damn you. ❞ ❝ this is for you. ❞ ❝ do you remember me? my name is—ah, nevermind. ❞ ❝ i’m not who you think i am. ❞ ❝ keep following that heart of yours. ❞ ❝ to hell with this place! ❞ ❝ fear is for the weak. ❞ ❝ oh, look at you, you poor, poor thing, you’re hurt! ❞ ❝ you’re such a sweetheart. ❞ ❝ you brought this on yourself. ❞ ❝ no need to thank me, mate. ❞ ❝ please, i don’t want to do this… ❞ ❝ you don’t have to do this… ❞ ❝ only the best for you. ❞ ❝ i hope you’re right. ❞ ❝ gods grant me strength… ❞ ❝ that is the worst idea i think i’ve ever heard. ❞ ❝ do you understand how little sense that makes? ❞ ❝ look what i found! ❞ ❝ something’s changed about the beating of your heart. ❞ ❝ no wonder they don’t like you. ❞ ❝ wish i could be there to see your face. ❞ ❝ i’ll earn your favour yet. ❞ ❝ how bad could it be? ❞ ❝ hello there, handsome. ❞ ❝ … this is the cheesiest thing i’ve heard from you. ❞ ❝ what has gotten into you? ❞ ❝ blood and darkness! ❞ ❝ lucky for you, i’ve no pride like many others here. ❞ ❝ it’s over. i’m sorry. ❞ ❝ go. away. i won’t repeat myself. ❞ ❝ i knew your heart was true. ❞ ❝ let’s kiss and make up! ❞ ❝ mischief, me? oh please! ❞ ❝ i don’t know how you can stand this kind of thing… ❞ ❝ you tried. that’s what matters. ❞ ❝ a man after my own heart… ❞ ❝ why won’t you give up? ❞ ❝ ever so stubborn, aren’t you? ❞ ❝ life and death, one and the same. ❞ ❝ you’re running from yourself. again. ❞ ❝ what do you want from me? leave me alone. we’ve nothing to discuss anymore. ❞ ❝ i cannot bring myself to stay upset with you forever. ❞ ❝ the truth is i’m a lover, not a fighter. ❞ ❝ i have to see her! ❞ ❝ so how goes wilful disobedience of late? ❞ ❝ you think all these gifts will make things go back to the way they were? ❞ ❝ we’re older now—i’d hope we’re wiser, too. ❞ ❝ i have to go. ❞ ❝ we were having such a good time! ❞ ❝ time is up. ❞ ❝ you’re so reckless. ❞ ❝ thank you for always keeping me on my toes. ❞ ❝ your luck’s run out. ❞ ❝ i don’t know why i bother with you, honestly. ❞ ❝ may i call you my friend? ❞ ❝ i’d like to make a toast, to you! ❞ ❝ no need for special thanks. ❞ ❝ i’ve some memories i’m not quite ready to give up on yet. ❞ ❝ i’ll break your heart. ❞
the weight of the summer air presses in around him in a way he supposes was once familiar, but the dry heat in 2 made it feel foreign. each step is laden with memories, not all of them ones he tried to forget. he didn't know what he expected ; not the burned, tangled ruins from the bombing, surely — but also not the confusing peace that rests over the place now. he hadn't thought that much time had passed ; maybe it had.
the meadow and forest bearing no sign of the hundreds of frantic feet that trampled it is less surprising, even if some long buried instinct wants to bend to find the loose portion of fence that no longer exists. there was always something about the woods that seemed it would outlast them all. maybe that's why he had come here : because she hadn't been at the station and he'd left the door of her house un-knocked. because he knew if there was any place where they might make amends, it was here where they once felt the most free.
he doesn't know if he had hoped if she would show or not ; still doesn't know when the sound of her voice stiffens his shoulders. he'd known it was her from the footsteps ; maybe part of him still thought she'd run away. he can still hear the whoosh before the bombs, her scream, the words not said in the look in her eyes after. it was easier to pretend he believed they could move past that back in 2 where the surroundings reflected none of his past. maybe the emptiness in him made it such he was willing to try anyway. " the hunting must be good again, " is what he says finally, hands pressed into pockets, head turned back over his shoulder just slightly to catch her in his periphery. it feels wrong, the gulf that stretches between them — maybe time had only eroded it wider. " there's not so many rabbits in 2. "
"it's not bad." i turn my head to look away from him. if i look for too long he blurs over a little, like some glittering after image burning along his edges. we're kids in the woods again and i'm watching as he shows me how to set a snare. we're in the capitol, in one of those ransacked and abandoned apartments, too tense to sleep but too tired to talk. he's half awake face down on the kitchen table and it's my fault. it's easier to look out at the tree line instead. i wonder if he feels the same way. if he looks at me and sees the still too-pink skin where it had been burned and repaired, and the kid who trailed after him when we were little, and my face on a screen.
my fingers dig into the worn fabric of my sweater at the elbows, my arms crossed in front of me. i wish peeta or haymitch was here. they've always been better at talking - they still are, even now. they have some piece i am desperately lacking when it comes to knowing what to say. gale and i never needed to talk, though. it's strange that i feel the discomfort of silence with him now; the fundamental thing between us is gone. or ... not gone, but different. burned away with everything else. when mom talks about him on the phone she always almost danced around the subject by using hazelle's name and not gale's. and now he's here, standing in front of me again, and i still half expect him to turn with that smile that doesn't quite change his whole face and ask me why i haven't brought my bow.
"how is it? 2?" i haven't been back since the first and last visit took my spleen with it. all i know is from the reports i sometimes get from paylor or the others about the rebuilding efforts in all of the districts. small groups of capitol-loyal holdouts had been a problem at the start of the end, but word of those has grown scarce. i always wonder if it's because they've given up or if it's because paylor doesn't want to trouble me with them anymore. gale, though - gale i can trust to be honest. even now, after everything.
chase infiniti (400*640) crédit: lachrymarum.
katniss and peeta and haymitch and that damn book are always in my head. thinking about katniss not being able to sleep so she goes to write down the half-remembered dream about her father that woke her up. the three of them laughing and crying over those pages in equal turn, in the same sitting. katniss talking to her mother over the phone while writing down the stories she can lure out of her about maysilee, and merrilee, and their childhood before. sitting out in the meadow with gale when they can eventually speak to each other again with the book in her lap, not even sure what to write but knowing it felt right to bring it.
ᝰ🚬 𝚉𝙰𝙲𝙷𝚁𝙿 .ᐟ RANDOM HIGH-STAKES, DISASTER-BASED ACTION PROMPTS CHANGE ANY PRONOUNS IF NECESSARY. SOME MATURE THEMES MAY BE PRESENT. SEND "REVERSE" TO SWITCH THE ROLES OF SENDER AND RECEIVER.
SENDER forces RECEIVER to keep moving despite exhaustion.
SENDER lifts RECEIVER over an obstacle they can't clear alone.
OUR MUSES get separated briefly and panic sets in.
OUR MUSES light a fire for warmth using scavenged materials.
OUR MUSES wade through floodwater, gripping each other for balance.
OUR MUSES emerge into daylight to see how much the world has changed.
SENDER blocks RECEIVER from seeing something horrifying.
OUR MUSES take turns standing watch through the night.
OUR MUSES navigate by landmarks that no longer exist.
SENDER covers RECEIVER'S mouth to keep them quiet.
SENDER confesses fear to RECEIVER in a rare quiet moment.
OUR MUSES shelter in a vehicle that may not hold.
SENDER gives up their share of medicine for RECEIVER.
SENDER promises RECEIVER they'll get through this together.
OUR MUSES climb to higher ground as water rises.
SENDER wakes RECEIVER just in time to avoid danger.
SENDER helps RECEIVER wash ash or grime from their face.
OUR MUSES mourn someone they couldn't save.
SENDER collapses and RECEIVER helps them back up.
OUR MUSES cling to each other as the ground shakes.
OUR MUSES listen to emergency broadcasts on a dying radio.
OUR MUSES sneak through an area crawling with danger.
OUR MUSES share the last dry blanket between them.
OUR MUSES shelter together as debris batters the structure around them.
OUR MUSES argue quietly over whether to leave shelter or stay.
SENDER gives RECEIVER the last flashlight battery.
SENDER shares a memory with RECEIVER to distract from fear.
SENDER gives RECEIVER their coat despite the cold.
OUR MUSES break into an abandoned building looking for supplies.
OUR MUSES follow a map they don't fully trust.
SENDER scouts ahead while RECEIVER waits, terrified and alone.
OUR MUSES hold onto each other in complete darkness.
OUR MUSES move through ruins that were once familiar.
OUR MUSES barricade a door as something pounds on the other side.
SENDER cleans blood from RECEIVER'S hands, steady and careful.
SENDER hands RECEIVER a weapon.
OUR MUSES share whispered plans over a flickering flashlight.
OUR MUSES hide in silence, listening for signs they've been found.
OUR MUSES ration food between them, unsure when help will come.
OUR MUSES wait out the storm in a cramped, unsafe space.
SENDER teaches RECEIVER how to start a fire without matches.
SENDER teaches RECEIVER how to use a weapon they've never used before.
SENDER drags RECEIVER out of a wrecked vehicle.
SENDER reassures RECEIVER during a panic attack.
SENDER carries RECEIVER when they can no longer walk.
OUR MUSES share a silent moment of relief after surviving something close.
OUR MUSES watch the skyline burn or collapse from a distance.
SENDER makes a hard call that puts them both at risk.
SENDER helps RECEIVER breathe through shock.
SENDER pulls glass from RECEIVER'S skin carefully.
SENDER pulls RECEIVER into cover just as something explodes nearby.
SENDER refuses to leave RECEIVER behind.
OUR MUSES wait for rescue that may never come.
SENDER struggles to pull RECEIVER back from a collapsing ledge.
OUR MUSES wait out danger inches apart, barely breathing.
SENDER tends to RECEIVER'S non-life-threatening wound.
