RMH
todays bird
祝日 / Permanent Vacation
occasionally subtle
⁂
@theartofmadeline
will byers stan first human second
izzy's playlists!
One Nice Bug Per Day
hello vonnie
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
Product Placement
Monterey Bay Aquarium
Discoholic 🪩
Andulka
macklin celebrini has autism
almost home
if i look back, i am lost
dirt enthusiast
Love Begins
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@throughtheeyesofriza
“I can’t reciprocate your feelings. . . I can’t give it to you.”
I am tired. It has only been two weeks, but damn I am so tired. Most of the time, I try to brush the thought of you away by reminding myself of those words you said to me: “I can’t reciprocate your feelings.”
But even with those heart-wrecking words, fuck, I’d still take you back in a heart beat just so I can hold your hands again, feel you skin, and hear your voice. Fuck, I fell for you. I fell damn hard.
I’ve deleted your number, but damn I know it’s you when you text. Not because I’ve memorized your number, but because of how much I know you. I don't know how many times I've deleted your text messages when I should have blocked your number a long time ago. I've lost track. I'm lost in track. I’ve been waiting and wanting to see your number pop on my screen even though I know I shouldn’t. I’m only making a fool out of myself again, and there’s no one else to blame. Just me. I’m not sure how many times I’ve deleted our conversation in my phone, and still end up replying to you.
I know I’m not giving my hundred percent in letting you go. I know I shouldn’t leave that 1% hoping to see you again because we both know nothing’s going to change. I know all too well that you only remember me when you’re all alone, and that’s the saddest, most hurtful part.
I don’t want to be only remembered when needed. I want to be remembered because I’m missed. I want to be missed not because you’re lonely. I want to be missed because I matter.
Stranded in the Past
We planned to go to the beach on our spring break. We both agreed on that Thursday night soon after we finished watching a movie in Burbank. It felt surreal that we were doing things together again. But as soon as March ended, you stopped talking to me. Friday. Saturday. Sunday. It saddened me and gave me a stabbing feeling in my heart. I told myself: “How could I let this happen to myself again?” I waited every morning for a text, but nothing came. I thought to myself, why make myself anxious if I could just text you? Right? And so, I texted you in the afternoon of April 2nd. I waited patiently, but each tick of the clock made me feel more foolish and pathetic. You replied the day after with a good morning. I tried to ask you out. But I was in my friend’s house already when you replied, and you said you’re happy that I am. I tried again, Chache. I asked you to play badminton with me. Talk about persistence. Sure enough, you said yes and we hanged out under the heat of the sun until the skies turned deep blue and the gush of the wind was cooler. I was elated to see you again, but as soon as I got into your car, I saw your neck. It’s as if everything stopped moving and all I can hear is the dying beat of my heart. And right there, I knew something is going. I didn’t say anything. After all, who am I?
Despite seeing the hickey on your neck, I still hanged out with you after my interview for volunteering. And where did you tell me to go? To your house. Without a doubt, because of my known poor prudence, I went to your house. Nothing happened, that is for sure. We watched until 8 o’clock in the evening and you drove me home. Yes, we’re decent people. We drew a thin line between us. Friday came and the same thing happened. You didn’t talk to me, not until Monday morning when you texted me that you have to tell me something. My heart pounded. At first, I worried that I might have said something that disappointed you. Then, a painful thought came into my head: What if he’s going to tell me that he has a girlfriend now?
We met under the tree where we once sat and walked together near the admission building where less people pass by. I couldn’t contain the anxiety, so I asked you right away. But you chose to talk about superficial things first. Surely, the next words that came out your mouth opened the scars that I’ve been trying to heal. You started by saying “You we’re right..” about getting into a relationship when obviously you haven’t gotten over your ex yet. I heard a ringing sound in my head. I was expecting that you’re in a relationship already, but not back with your ex. Not with Evelyn, the name you never mentioned.
I wanted to get mad and yell out all the hurt I’m still feeling. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t because I understand. I may not understand exactly how you felt, but I do know how it feels like to be still deeply in love with someone despite all the pain you’ve gone through with that person. I know how it feels to continuously love a person no matter how tough the situation may be. You get tired, but you’ll never say “no” nor “I’ve had enough.” You’ll keep trying to make things work even when the whole world is telling you to stop and just give up. No, you don’t simply give up on the person you love.
I knew from the start how much you love her, yet I somehow made myself believe that you’ll love me too. Now I’m left with one choice, and that is to finally let go of you and all the agony that I chose to hold on to in dire hope that maybe if I do hold on a little longer, you might give us another chance.
I’m a little too stranded in the past. Please tell me how to move on from you and help me take away the misery from my whole entity.
Three more days and it’ll be six months after you said you’ve had enough of us. Almost half a year, yet I’m still here-- trying to mend my broken parts.
On a random day, you sent me a photo of your new calligraphy pen set after you have shown me your fountain pen. It turned out that we have the same exact set, so I sent you a photo of myself holding mine. Then you mimicked me and sent one as well... and I swear, it was just like the old days.
I can’t tell you just how many times I have told myself that I’m done, too. That even I, who loved you so deeply, is tired of waiting and hoping for your return. So what am I doing still?
Last Friday, we ate again together for the first time after we decided to put an end to our relationship, then you drove me home just like before. As we got closer to my apartment, you reminisced on how you used to say your goodbyes before you make a right turn by Glenn avenue. By gut reaction, I said “Really? I don’t remember.” But my head was suddenly filled with painful memories that I’ve been trying to suppress. I was surprised by how fresh the memories tasted in my heart despite the time that has gone by. When you finally made a stop, I said my goodbye without looking at you. I couldn’t bear to look at you in the eye and bid another farewell when all I wanted to do that night was hold you close-- hoping I could stay beside you for a little longer... wishing I still had you.
It began again when you thought you saw me in school and messaged me about it.
From there on you continued to message me, not only on facebook. You started commenting on my snaps, and so I would post something everyday in dire hope that you’ll notice me again and realize that you miss me. Pathetic, isn’t it? But it became a way for me to reach out to you, ‘cause ever since you messaged me again, I have come to realize how deep the scars had gotten and how much I have missed you and all the little things we used to do. I knew you only wanted to reconcile. But deep down, I was hoping that you wanted more-- that you want me back and make things work between us. But of course, I only ended up hurting myself again. After a week or so of continuous conversation, you sent me a message-- a message that once again tore me to thousand pieces.
She thought she was independent and strong, but she got one small taste of love and she was hungrier than anyone. She was ravenous.
Ann Brashares, Girls In Pants: The Third Summer of the Sisterhood (via bookmania)
With You, I willl
You broke me without a second thought. You left me hangin’ without hesitatin’. Now you’re back saying you’re sorry Now you’re here trying to make it up But baby, baby you know me Even when you made me insane Even when you caused me so much pain Baby, you know I can’t seem to move my feet off the ground whenever you’re around And here you again, captivating me I’m helpless ‘cuz baby you know that I’ll take you back any moment With my eyes closed, I’ll take the risk one more time With you, I will Without a second thought, without hesitating Baby, I will. You know I will.
I was playing my guitar when I randomly sang this piece out from my heart. No, he’s not asking me to be back together. But for some pathetic reason, I was imagining he would. And so, the birth of this song. It still needs polishing and a lot of editing.
I prayed last night. I prayed so hard for this sad, lonely feeling to go away. I prayed for happier days to come, then this is what I get: a random message from you. It's been a while since the last time you messaged me. It was the week of Christmas, I remember, when you texted me after I have given you a letter. That letter, as I have told myself, was my first and last try. I wrote it to give you a hint that I want you-- I want you still despite the pain and sadness you have made me feel. But at the same time, I wrote it to let you know that I want you to find someone who can give you the kind of love you need. I want you to find someone who can give you the things I failed to give you. I want you to be happy. I really do. I prayed for strength-- strength to face the truth and walk away from you. I prayed to God to help me get over you, but this is what I get. A message from you.
Almost 5 months have past since you left me, but I can still feel you around me. In a sea of people, I always find myself looking for you-- your black glasses, your beautiful smile that spontaneously shows your deep dimple on your right cheek, or things like your car that you rarely wash. I don’t know what keeps me from moving. You made it clear that you don’t want us to get back together-- that you don’t want me back into your life. Well, at least not as a lover. But here I am, writing about you at 10 in the evening with my eyes red and body aching from a long day in school. I have absolutely no reason to hold on. We’ve only been together for a month, but here I am.
Here I am, missing you-- missing everything about you. From the way you gasp for air when you laugh, to the way your voice shifts from a different tone to another, or the way you look at me in the eye and hold me whenever I fall silent. I miss you Chache. You may not feel the same way, but I do.
I really do.
I have to stop falling in love with memories.
9 word story (via pillsand-coffee)
A peek inside my new book Lullabies. Pre-order now and save 30% via Amazon, BN.com or get FREE Worldwide Shipping at The Book Depository.
I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.
Robin Williams (via skateeofmind)
I missed you every hour. And you know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. I’d catch myself just walking around to find you, not for any reason, just out of habit, because I’d seen something that I wanted to tell you about or because I wanted to hear your voice. And then I’d realize that you weren’t there anymore, and every time, every single time, it was like having the wind knocked out of me.
Leigh Bardugo, Shadow and Bone (via lovequotesrus)
▽ Are You Satisfied? ▽
I have tried, tried to fix everything you have broken. My heart, which once was whole, but now is severed, can no longer beat steady rhythms. You seem to have left it in this state where all it can manage is a disjointed pattern, one that not even the evilest or the saddest of beings could ever live with. My friends, they no longer long to see me, no longer long to be with me because I am sad, and raw sadness is an emotion few have felt. But I do not blame them, for now, even when I am with them, I am not truly there, and it’s easier for them to make excuses than to deal with this mutilated version that is supposedly me My Mind, which once was filled with wondrous ideas, and inquiring questions, has become plagued with terrible thoughts, and haunting answers, that no soul would want to know about. My subconscious, soaked in melancholy, has seeped through the cracks and crevasses which once did not exist. And in this ocean of sorrow, I find myself drowning. I am trying, trying to fix everything you have broken. I sit in the ever growing darkness that is night, and I try to fix myself so that maybe you will love me again. Until then, I will spend every moonlit hour struggling to amend my damaged entity, while you lay in bed, unaware, fast asleep.
”I remember when this wasn’t about you,” - Stephanie Mills (via life-is--for-living)
