The New Avengerz

No Wilson its not not copyrighted if we put a Z at the end

[thunderbolts-offical]

Hey we’ve been forced by Valentina to make this blog to promote ourselves and make us seem less like ‘murdery psychopaths’ and more like ‘approachable heroes’. Total bullshit if you ask me.

I think it’ll be fun! Come on lighten up Yels!

Yes come on Yelena I told you daughter this will be fun! Stupid man understands.

Yeah I do! Wait.. Stupid man? Heyy I’m not—

Everyone shut up and let me explain what each coloured text means so people actually understand us:

Yelena Belova: Green

Bob: orange

Alexei Shostakov: red

Bucky Barnes: blue

Ava Starr: purple

John Walker: pink

Hey mod here just a few things about my blog I thought I’d make clear:

- I love answering asks! The dumber the better!

- if you don’t like the way I write certain characters just don’t read my blog. These are my head cannons I’ll write them however I feel

- the current time they’re in is some time between the thunderbolts movie and Doomsday (I mean obviously can’t have it after doomsday since idk wtf will happen)

- I don’t mind freaky asks just nothing too intensely nsfw

- all basic rules like no hate speech and shit apply unless it’s stupid marvel versions like ‘fuck SHIELD’ or something idc thats more than okay

[thunderbolts-offical]

Hans Moleman Productions Presents

Man getting hit by football *Zoink!*

ohhhhhhh

HAHAHA MASTERPIECE! AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN!!

THIS IS WHAT I FOUGHT FOR!

John you were captain America for like five minutes you didnt fight for shit.

SHUT IT YOU FILTHY COMMIE

Oh for the last time NOT ALL RUSSIANS ARE COMMUNISTS!!!

[thunderbolts-offical]

Do any of you believe in Joe Hendry?

Government conspiracy. Does not exist.

(John and Alexei take a deep breath and sing at the top of there lungs)

Cause they love him in London and Paris and Tokyo

America, Scotland and Canada and Mexico, they say

"I believe in Joe Hendry

I believe in Joe Hendry"

(Bucky walks in, clearly hung over. Sees this and walks right back to his room.)

[thunderbolts-offical]

Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?

No

No

No

No

Definetly not.

(Ava grins maliciously)

Hell yes

NOOOOO

[thunderbolts-offical]

bob you remind me of a sad puppy

Uuuh thank you? I think? I mean I love dogs but I why am I a sad one?

You mean aside from the one thing that we all have in common?

You mean traumatic backstories?

I was gonna say crippling depression but yeah that too.

Okay but sad puppy is exactly Bob I see it.

That or a wet rat.

Heyyy wth Barnes?!

[thunderbolts-offical]

Hi Thunderbolts its Jim Cornette! I just want to say, fuck Vince Russo aka shitstain. He hurt the business worse then anyone else.

(Thunderbolts all cheer and yell in approval)

We should make ‘fuck Vince Russo’ merch!

For the last time old man not everything we say has to be turned into fucking merch!!

Now Yelena is that anyway to talk to your father? I think not. Apologise

…whatever. Чёртов ублюдок. Думал, он поправится теперь, когда я уже не ребёнок.

Thats close enough. Apology accepted daughter!

[thunderbolts-offical]

Okayy I thought we should all share our secret Santa gifts even though it’s pretty late!

Alright I got cat toys for Alpine and they were from Bob

I got a bobble head of myself from Alexei

I got some damn good vodka from Bucky

I got an my chemical romance vinyl from Yelena and I owe her my life because of it

I got a hand gun from Ava. I don’t know why and really I don’t wanna know.

Since there weren’t enough people for everyone to get a secret Santa everyone got together and bought me a bunch of trinkets!

[thunderbolts-offical]

Can one of you come pick me up from a party and not tell dad?

(//bucky)

@emiliakane

Oh hell yeah on my way. Always up for keeping secrets from Barnes

I’m coming too! Mostly because I’m bored and want something to do

So kid is Bucky really so strict he’s gonna get pissed at you for partying? Because believe me he’s done a lot crazier than getting a little tipsy

[emiliakanebarnes]

No mostly bc I stole his booze and snuck out, he doesn’t care about the actual partying, maybe just the events leading up to

[thunderbolts-offical]

Oh damn you actually managed to sneak past him? That’s actually kind of impressive. Not to mention I once got threatened just for even taking a sip of his whiskey.

Uhhh Yels? Should we really be encouraging this?

I mean hell yeah we should if she can get away with it

[thunderbolts-offical]

Can one of you come pick me up from a party and not tell dad?

(//bucky)

@emiliakane

Oh hell yeah on my way. Always up for keeping secrets from Barnes

I’m coming too! Mostly because I’m bored and want something to do

So kid is Bucky really so strict he’s gonna get pissed at you for partying? Because believe me he’s done a lot crazier than getting a little tipsy

[thunderbolts-offical]

I AM VINCE RUSSO! DESTROYING EVERY PROMOTION I TOUCH WITH MY CRAPPY BOOKING SKILLS!

KILL IT!! WITH FIRE!!!

(Everyone starts throwing things while Ava just stands in the back smirking and playing Disco inferno loudly from a speaker the moment Yelena started talking about using fire)

Uhh guys? Maybe we shouldn’t resort to violence

Stupid man makes a good point. Violence is never the answer

It’s the solution

HELL YEAH

HELL YEAH

HELL YEAH

HELL YEAH

[thunderbolts-offical]

I AM CORNHOLIO KING OF BUNGHOLIO! DO YOU HAVE ANY OLIO?!

…What?

Daughter I’m disappointed in you! I thought I’d taught you better! You don’t know the great Cornholio?

…no? Is this from one of your obnoxiously long stories noone listens to?

My WHAT?! Daughter you wound me! my stories are perfectly long! And no this isnt from my stories it’s from Beavis and Butthead.

What in the everloving fuck is a butthead?

…I have failed you as a father

That we can both agree on

Yes we’re agreeing on something?! Finally we’re getting somewhere… WAIT—

[thunderbolts-offical]

Hey! Hey! Its you're old pal Krusty inviting you to check out my newest show, the Krusty Komedy Klassic!

Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh MY GOD!!

Bob oh my god what is it? You sound like you just watched someone fucking shoot Alpine

Why would you say that Yelena oh my god don’t talk about my daughter dying or I’ll shove my metal arm so far down your throat you’ll be shitting vibranium

Wow… graphic

Y’all can we not fight we just got invites to see Krusty?

….anyone gonna mention that Barnes just called his cat his daughter?

That threat stands for you to Starr

[thunderbolts-offical]

Enclave here, why isn't your video feed working?

Oh yeah funny story about that Bob kinda went insane and nearly let void out. That ended up destroying the cameras

Starr don’t blame this on me! You’re the one who got pissed and smashed every camera!

Shh. Be a team player for once. If you do I’ll give ya $50

Shoulda just started with the money. It’s a deal.

[thunderbolts-offical]

Ooc: heyy sorry about the disappearance I had a mental health episode of Yelena proportions but I’m gonna try and get back into this!

[thunderbolts-offical]

Have you guys interacted with the other NY heroes, like Spider-Man, the Devil in Hell's Kitchen, Dr Strange, etc?

I met Spider-man briefly a few years back when the whole Sokovia accords bullshit went down. But other than that not so much. And of course Sam’s an old friend but other than that I try and avoid other pekple as much as possible.

*Coughs* loser

Kate Bishop and I are close but other than that it’s a no on interacting with other heroes. I did try and kill Hawkeye one time though! That was fun

Wowwww Bucky you know Spiderman?! Can you introduce me?

Sorry Bob I don’t know him personally or anything I just fought him one time

You fought a hero?! Why the fuck—

It’s a long story…

[thunderbolts-offical]

Favourite Christmas movie?

Die hard. 100%

Yep absolute facts Thats the best Christmas movie of all time

Uhhh Thats not really a Christmas movie..? But I like Polar Express!!

Shut up Bob. Shitty choice and die hard is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.

Heyyy that was mean :(

Yes Starr I agree with stupid man that was mean. And my favourite Christmas movie is the grinch. I love that little doggy with the antler

Don’t call me stupid man but that’s a great choice! We should totally make Buck and Alpine cosplay the grinch and Max!

Why do I have to be the grinch?

Because you kinda act the part and you’re the only one of us with a pet

[verygoodlawyer]

⠦⠠⠔⠄⠇⠇ ⠛⠊⠧⠑ ⠺⠓⠕⠑⠧⠑⠗ ⠉⠁⠝ ⠗⠑⠍⠕⠧⠑ ⠠⠞⠕⠝⠽ ⠠⠎⠞⠁⠗⠅ ⠋⠗⠕⠍ ⠍⠽ ⠓⠕⠥⠎⠑ ⠁ ⠓⠁⠝⠙⠋⠥⠇ ⠕⠋ ⠏⠁⠏⠑⠗ ⠉⠇⠊⠏⠎⠲⠴

"I'll give whoever can remove Tony Stark from my house a handful of paper clips."

[thunderbolts-offical]

Can we use force? If so I’ll just let Barnes go three for three and take out the last Stark

Okay what the fuck Ava?!! You know I didn’t know what I was doing when I killed Howard and Maria

Yeah yeah. Either way none of us would miss a chance to beat Tony

…yeah you’re not wrong I suppose

[verygoodlawyer]

⠦⠠⠔ ⠙⠕⠝⠄⠞ ⠺⠁⠝⠞ ⠓⠊⠍ ⠙⠑⠁⠙⠂ ⠰⠠⠔⠚⠥⠎⠞ ⠺⠁⠝⠞ ⠓⠊⠍ ⠕⠥⠞ ⠕⠋ ⠍⠽ ⠁⠏⠁⠗⠞⠍⠑⠝⠞⠖⠴

"I don't want him dead, I just want him out of my apartment!"

⠦⠠⠔ ⠁⠇⠎⠕ ⠙⠕⠝⠄⠞ ⠺⠁⠝⠞ ⠁⠝⠕⠞⠓⠑⠗ ⠛⠓⠕⠎⠞ ⠓⠁⠝⠛⠊⠝⠛ ⠁⠗⠕⠥⠝⠙⠲ ⠠⠔⠋ ⠽⠕⠥ ⠉⠕⠥⠇⠙ ⠏⠊⠉⠅ ⠓⠊⠍ ⠥⠏ ⠁⠝⠙ ⠞⠁⠅⠑ ⠓⠊⠍ ⠎⠕⠍⠑⠺⠓⠑⠗⠑ ⠑⠇⠎⠑⠂ ⠞⠓⠁⠞ ⠺⠕⠥⠇⠙ ⠺⠕⠗⠅ ⠋⠕⠗ ⠍⠑⠲⠴

"I also don't want another ghost hanging around. If you could pick him up and take him somewhere else, that would work for me."

[thunderbolts-offical]

Awwww youre no fun.

I mean we can do that. I’ll just pick Stark up and drop him in a ditch somewhere. That’s still entertaining ay Starr?

Okay fine Yels that’s okay I guess…. (I still wanna kill his ass)