the hour of the garden and the night

23, Anglo-Catholic Episcopalian, proudly LGBTQ. ❀ "Seek and serve Christ in all persons" —The Book of Common Prayer. ❀ Icon: detail from the Isenheim Altarpiece by Matthias Grünewald. ❀ Banner: Exeter College Chapel, Oxford University.

[thurifer-at-heart]

Blog Introduction!

Greetings! On here I go by Julian (they/she). I'm a queer Episcopalian seminary student. Back from a hiatus as of October 2025!

This is a blog about open and affirming Christianity, Episcopalian and Anglo-Catholic spirituality, theology, and Christian mysticism. I will be posting passages from books I'm reading, random musings, prayers, reflections, art, poetry, photos, and other nerdy stuff. I love reading, praying the Daily Office, thurifering, musicals, and tea.

I created this blog not only to share my spiritual journey with others, but also to support and connect with other LGBTQ+ Christians and allies. Progressive Christians need to be more vocal about their faith (and existence) because we're often in the difficult position of being rejected or mistrusted by both sides of our identity. Many people don't even know we exist! This blog is an attempt to change that.

It makes me sad and angry that the name of Christ has been so thoroughly misused for bigotry and hatred instead of love. I want to take part in pushing back against this situation. I have hope for a better future, in which we seek and serve Christ in all persons.

Please feel free to message me anytime, I'd love to chat! Peace be with you. <3

[thurifer-at-heart]

"Can You Drink the Cup?" (Scott Surrency, OFM)

Can you drink the cup? Drink, not survey or analyze, ponder or scrutinize – from a distance. But drink – imbibe, ingest, take into you so that it becomes a piece of your inmost self. And not with cautious sips that barely moisten your lips, but with audacious drafts that spill down your chin and onto your chest. (Forget decorum – reserve would give offense.)

Can you drink the cup? The cup of rejection and opposition, betrayal and regret. Like vinegar and gall, pungent and tart, making you wince and recoil. But not only that – for the cup is deceptively deep – there are hopes and joys in there, too, like thrilling champagne with bubbles that tickle your nose on New Year's Eve, and fleeting moments of almost – almost – sheer ecstasy that last as long as an eye-blink, or a champagne bubble, but mysteriously satisfy and sustain.

Can you drink the cup? Yes, you — with your insecurities, visible and invisible. You with the doubts that nibble around the edges and the ones that devour in one great big gulp. You with your impetuous starts and youth-like bursts of love and devotion. You with your giving up too soon – or too late – and being tyrannically hard on yourself. You with your Yes, but's and I'm sorry’s – again. Yes, you – but with my grace. Can you drink the cup? Can I drink the cup? Yes.

[thurifer-at-heart]

A Seeker's Prayer – St. Anselm of Canterbury

O my God, teach my heart where and how to seek you, where and how to find you. You are my God and you are my all, yet I have never seen you. You have made me and remade me, you have bestowed on me all the good things I possess; still I do not know you. I have not yet done that for which I was made; teach me to seek you. I cannot seek you unless you teach me, or find you unless you show yourself to me. Let me seek you in my desire, let me desire you in my seeking. Let me find you by loving you, let me love you when I find you. Amen.

[thurifer-at-heart]

Faith is trusting God in the darkness, it is not a quasi-magical means of turning the darkness into light. It's not that I don't believe that God can and does turn darkness to light—ultimately he will, but here and now he calls us to trust him, even in the darkness.... Faith is no more a magical power than it is a feeling; faith is a settled trust in God even in the continuing darkness and silence, even when we cannot see and cannot hear.

– John Colwell, Why Have You Forsaken Me? A Personal Reflection on the Experience of Desolation

[thurifer-at-heart]

A Prayer for Discernment by Thomas Merton.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. Amen. —Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude (1956)

[beguines]

Jesus stands at the door knocking (Rev. 3:20). In total reality, he comes in the form of the beggar, of the dissolute human child in ragged clothes, asking for help. He confronts you in every person that you meet. As long as there are people, Christ will walk the earth as your neighbor, as the one through whom God calls you, speaks to you, makes demands on you. That is the great seriousness and great blessedness of the Advent message. Christ is standing at the door; he lives in the form of a human being among us. Do you want to close the door or open it?

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, God is in the Manger: Reflections on Advent and Christmas

[wolfythewitch]

jesus holding a lamb based on that painting of jesus holding a lamb

[queerprayers]

Waiting for God is like... You're expecting a guest. You haven't seen them in ages. You know they're coming, although you forget the exact time. And you don't need to impress them—they'd probably sleep on the floor, but why wouldn't you give up your bed? And it's not clean enough and you don't have matching curtains and they're not gonna care because they love you but you'll still probably do your best. Scrub the counter, at least. So you try to stay up to greet them but they're late or you were wrong about the day and you keep dozing off. All you really have to do is be at home when they knock and you'll wake up and figure everything out when they get here—but who wants to answer the door half-asleep? And you can probably get a few more things done while you're waiting. You can light a candle—that's welcoming, right?

So maybe you stay up doing dishes or maybe you give up and go to bed, but the knock makes you jump either way. It's light outside when you let them in, and that's not right, it can't be morning already. The windows are dark. Anyway, you're pouring them tea and apologizing for the mess and you realize they're not a guest at all—they live here, actually. Have your whole life. They probably make your lunch every day. Your house isn't yours at all, now that they're here, now that they've arrived and always been here. It's been yours, plural, yours together, and isn't it lovely that you don't have to worry about the curtains matching anymore? They've already seen them and chosen to stay every time.

There's another knock at the door. They arrive and you pour them tea. You get some sleep. You stop being surprised when your lunch is ready to go. You're expecting a guest. They make themselves at home; they are at home; they've been making themselves a home.

Your days are spent opening the door. They've been gone for so long; how could they have left you; why are they always forgetting to use a coaster and leaving icy circles on the wooden table; why can't you have any privacy in this house; you can't find them anywhere; this is only home when they're here; they keep arriving and you keep making tea do you think they'll ever get tired of tea do you they'll get tired of you opening the door half asleep do you think they're secretly annoyed by the mismatched curtains

Someone knocks on the door. You are interrupted. You keep forgetting you're expecting a guest. You were hoping they'd come and interrupt you. Someone knocks on the door. You're awake. You always make enough tea for two.

Eventually someone doesn't knock on your door. You find them on your doorstep waiting. You've been expecting a guest. The windows of your house are open all the time now, even though it's dark and cold, and you make your home some tea. It's never cold inside, as if opening the door let in warm air instead of cool. The candle you lit has been burning without getting smaller. You can't remember why you used to be surprised, why waiting was frantic. You wash the dishes because that's the next thing to do; because you wash the teacup of your not-guest like it's the chalice of a king.

One day you don't have a door anymore. You can see through the walls of your house and the whole galaxy spreads out before you. They're expecting a guest. You walk outside. The universe makes you tea.

[christshands]

to live life in the service of god, in his image, you HAVE to live life in the service of yourself AND others. and the cool thing about that is, if you find the rhythym, both strengthen each other. respect and service for yourself will lay the foundation for respect and service for others, and both are inherently acts of love towards god, because he is within us. find the parts of you, the parts of others, that shine with the light of god (hint: its everything) and praise them. act in love and you are acting in worship.

[pastperfectcontinuous]

Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new.

—ursula k. le guin

[beguines]

Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

[hymnsofheresy]

Advent & Christmas Carol Playlists

christ mass part 1 & part 2 - these are hymns & carols you might hear at a church. part two is a bit slower and more meditative.

blue christmas is a carol playlist for when christmastime doesn’t really feel all that jolly, when the darkness of the winter feels too overwhelming.

play me a carol is a selection of soft piano carols to put in the background while relaxing after a long day.

lofi bells to holly and jolly to is a lofi christmas playlist that you can easily use while studying for those finals. anime girl bopping along not included.

joy to the world contains a multitude of christmas songs from all over the world, from east asia to the americas.

old timey christmas has all the classic christmas carols that people in the 50-60s churned out like they were working at the christmas carol sweatshop.

yuletide is a celtic-inspired christmas playlist. a selection of folk-tunes, jigs, carols, and gaelic hymns.

rise up shepherd is a collection of spirituals, carols, and gospel songs from the black american spiritual tradition.

glory to the newborn kin(g) is a selection of christmas orchestral music

emmanuel quite literally translates as “god with us” so this playlist is a selection of american-folk carols.

ye olde christmas is a playlist for all the tumblr medievalist girlies. although before anyone attacks me, i did put some renaissance carols on there as well

bodacious gnarly hella tubular christmas is a 80s-90s pop christmas playlist. yes it does feature the queen of christmas herself.

dulcimer christmas is self explanatory. if you don’t like the hammered dulcimer, i fear that this playlist will be extremely disappointing.

a-caroling provides all of your wassailing needs. i promise you there is no pentatonix. all my playlists are pentatonix free. let me liberate you from their chokehold on christmas music.

[punkowa-i-postrzelona]

what was yours top artist and were you in theirs top listeners? gimme that %

[wheatfalls]

“…people like Jesus and Paul were not executed for saying, “Love one another.” They were killed because their understanding of love meant more than being compassionate towards individuals, although it did include that. It also meant standing against the domination systems that rule their world, and collaborating with the Spirit in the creation of a new way of life that stood in contrast to the normalcy of the wisdom of this world. Love and justice go together. Justice without love can be brutal and love without justice can be banal. Love is the heart of justice and justice is the social form of love.”

— Marcus J. Borg and John Dominic Crossan, The First Paul: Reclaiming the Radical Visionary Behind the Church’s Conservative Icon (p.205)

[doyouknowwhatimeme]

[afoxyblogger]

obsessed with this

[many-sparrows]

Was in a meeting today and one of my colleagues said that Christian faith isn't just about personal holiness, but about social holiness. It's about creating holiness in the way we treat each other.

[cruciform-solidarity]

“[My] conversion was not a conversion from unbelief to faith, but from a Christianity which had become oppressive to one which brought a glorious sense of freedom and joy. This freedom came when I accepted that I did not believe in God as traditionally understood. That was a kind of trigger which released me to find a new meaning in the word God. Only when I had accepted that ‘I do not believe in God’ (my old God) was I free to discover how with integrity I could still say ‘I believe in God’ (understood in a new way).”

— Anthony Freeman, God in Us