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Kopan Monastery November Course, Nepal 2019

A lot of our time is spent trying to tie up loose ends, trying to shape disorder into something recognizably smooth, trying to escape the very limits that hold us close, happily ignoring rough edges and the inevitable. We separate ourselves out into past, present, and future, if only to show that we have changed, that we know better, that we have understood something inherent; if only to draw neat lines from start to finish without looking back. The problem is that chaos is always only ever sitting just across the table, frequently glancing up from its newspaper, from its coffee cup filled with discolored and imploding stars. Because chaos too waits. Waits for you to notice it, for you to realize it’s the most dazzling thing you’ve ever seen, for all of your atoms to collectively shriek in belated recognition and stare, mouth open, at how exquisitely embedded it is in everything. Because we are not designed to be more orderly than anything else; seams have a tendency to come apart with time — you and the universe are the same in this way, which makes for a delicately overwhelming struggle. So, then, if you can’t ever end things neatly, can’t ever put them back quite the way you found them, surely the alternative is to remain stubbornly carbonated with possibility, to never rest from your rotation. To keep assembling stories between us, stories about how everything was everything, about how much we loved.

Ella Frances Sanders

states of being I want to move into:

- allowing all feelings to surface, make space for them, let them flow through me. let down my instinct to protect and bury.

- feel less and less ashamed for having pain, loneliness, fear, instability

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One of our biggest battles in life is to really hold that center (a lifetime battle!). Like many masters say, circumstances are always neutral. It's not about solving that problem or this problem, it's about understanding how to get closer to your center. For this you have to establish a connection that originates from the ability to draw the energy from the Universe to carry on. I see this center like a river flow, that runs in our inner Self. When we discover this grounded flow within us it gets more comfortable, even easier and lighter to move around life. However, most of the time we go about life always "of balance". This results most likely in "of balance" actions, thoughts, decisions, right? The crazy thing is that we keep doing this over and over, creating patterns, repeating ourselves and the outcomes and trying to play catch up as the situations unfold and overwhelm us, which feels both exhausting and hard to do. The whole point here is to learn, really learn, how to move from the center. Being centered has nothing to do with being passive. You are wide awake, conscious, paying attention and asking for help, it's dynamic. You are right in the middle of that flow of energy and from this perspective and practice, the situations change, people change, our emotions change. We feel supported somehow. Now, how to find your center? Well, for start we already know what is to be "of center", so you can actually recognize when you are feeling centered. This is already an important step. However, the practice that will present that place for you, is meditation. It's through meditation that you will meet this river flow, this space in the middle that you can move from feeling more supported, more calm. With the capacity to hear your intuition, to look inside of you.

Mariana Orkenyi, Communal

#communal #holdingcenter

Real love for ourselves by definition includes every aspect of our lives -- the good, the bad, the difficult, the challenging past, the uncertain future, as well as all the shameful, upsetting experiences and encounters we'd just as soon forget. This doesn't mean we have to celebrate everything that's ever happened to us or write thank-you cards to people who have hurt us. But like it or not, the emotional residue of our experiences is part of who we are. If we resist any aspect of it, we feel like imposters, unreal and split off from ourselves

Real Love: The art of mindful connection

In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, or pray that their sons land on their feet soon enough,” Mr. Perlman says. “But I am not such a parent. In your place, if there is pain, nurse it, and if there is a flame, don’t snuff it out, don’t be brutal with it. Withdrawal can be a terrible thing when it keeps us awake at night, and watching others forget us sooner than we’d want to be forgotten is no better. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of 30 and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste! We’re lucky if we feel something really very strongly in our lives and that as profoundly and as deeply one might feel something, it’s important to allow yourself to feel it because oftentimes we push things away, and maybe we would learn something if we allowed ourselves to feel things as deeply as we can, as painful as that might be.

Call me by your name

for emma, forever ago

turned 10 this year. the album along with arcade fire’s funeral became the foundation i built my adulthood on. skinny love played on repeat in the background as i made soy chai lattes at Starbucks. creature fear carried us into the downtown la skyline from the top of a USC parking structure. we sat in awe on a ledge at the wiltern soaking in for emma wishing we could go home together after the show. it’s serenaded me on countless drives on the 210 back and forth to rancho.

rosyln soothed my heartache of feeling lost, on my own, without you that semester after hong kong. if there was ever a song that felt like you it was rosyln.

the album’s sound even when i was 18 sent chills of nostalgia down my skin and it still does.

thanks bon iver

That was the year, my twenty-eighth, when I was discovering that not all of the promises would be kept, that some things are in fact irrevocable and that it had counted after all, every evasion and every procrastination, every mistake, every word, all of it.

Joan Didion

#stilltrue

I did not tell you that it would be okay, because I have never believed it would be okay. What I told you is what your grandparents tried to tell me: that this is your country, that this is your body & you must find some way to live within the all of it.

Ta-Nehisi Coates, Between the World and Me

#ta-nehisi coates

for so long I wanted to escape into the dream, to fold my country over my head like a blanket. But this has never been an option because the dream rests on our backs, the bedding made from our bodies.

Ta-Nehisi Coates, Between the World and Me

#ta-nehisi coates

finally Spring

Indonesia, 2016

i’ve noticed a pattern any time i’m sick in bed for more than 5 days.

i follow my thoughts around every corner, dip, valley and edge its curious to explore until i’m refreshed back into my real self or totally spent. this time around, i’m trying my best to sit beside the commotion and get comfortable.

i get wild ideas of where my life could go and who i am.

i look back probably more fondly than i should on things i’ve already done. i also look back with disdain on things that have happened.

i read things that interest me.

i love how alone i am and at the same time i also ask myself what makes me feel lonely.

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whatever gets you up in the morning