whether this is exactly your point?
[cw: suicide]
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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@tightlaces
whether this is exactly your point?
[cw: suicide]
a little bitch cries at the courthouse
I'm sitting in the parking lot
behind the Vallejo courthouse
a woman told me she saw a dead rat
and I also saw a dead rat
it turned out to be a door jamb
but it felt like a dead rat anyway
I'm sitting in the parking lot
behind the Vallejo courthouse
between my car and the next car over
absolutely sobbing
there's a beautiful tree out here -
the way the light hits the leaves,
it looks like it's glowing
crisp and colorful
you would like to see this tree, I think
you love to notice little natural things
going on walks, looking at flowers,
taking photos of bumblebees
you were so happy
cozied up on our couch
reading about bees
living the life you deserve
I used to think about this:
I'd wonder what you'd be like
if you'd grown up with
love, food, water, safety.
I'd picture you still self-assured,
still bold and independent,
but calmer, sleeker, better-fed -
meandering stories, happier endings.
By the end,
you were sleeping through the night
you were strong and healthy
you said you finally had a home.
But I?
I took those hits
Over and over and over again
So that you could have the life you deserve
I'm sitting in the parking lot,
absolutely sobbing, looking at the tree,
thinking that you HAVE to make it
so you can enjoy a tree like this again
and isn't that fucking pitiful?
aren't I such a fucking mark?
all the questions I can't think about
like whether this is exactly your point
it can't possibly be my fault
I'm walking by the water
Walking circles and circles
In the golden-brown fields
Where my heart should be
Is a rotten piece of meat
For lunch, I had
skittles and cigarettes
For dinner, I'll have Modelos
I've been thinking about it all day
Where my heart should be
Is a rotten piece of meat
Because you're going to die
and it'll be my fault.
And yes, I know that can't really be true
And yes, I know it's out of my hands
But it sure don't feel that way,
walking by the water,
my fingers itching,
itching to rip it out of my chest.
when I left her to fend for herself
You were on this very couch
Your hair, unkempt
Your body, wasting
This couch we foraged in Orinda
Brought back in Reece’s truck
“Not fast, just loud”, per the sticker
And lost a cushion on the 24
We laughed, music playing
Together under the pink sky
Silly, simple, stupid
You were on this very couch
Your back, shaking
Your breath, shattering
This couch we dragged up the staircase
The pink blanket you found
To hide the marks from the railing
That we couldn’t quite clear
We sweated, we huffed
Our friends cheered us on
What a normal thing that was
On this very couch,
You asked me for help,
And I said no
And everything that followed -
I am so much fucking stronger than I was two years ago
I'M GOING TO FUCKING do nothing and take a deep breath
examining the victim
this isn't hard; it's easy
it rolls off the tongue
I tell her everything you used to tell me:
you started it
what you did was worse
you're crazy
you're a fucking liar
all you do is lie
I walk away angry,
hot, energetic,
pissed off and laughing,
everything except
unrolling the creases of that very old hurt,
when someone I loved
talked to me that way,
before this stone-cold fence grew up,
before I learned that words are just noise,
before I became someone
who would laugh at someone like me.
we come in peace
ufos come take me home
sutter home blues
it's a sutter home & hot cheetos type of night
and i think about so many nights with you
sweet-sick drunk, shivering cold,
crud-crusted and falling out of cupboards
"did you think it was loaded?" he said,
laughing, after he pulled the trigger
purple sewage spinning up
sink piled full of unwashed things
we were cold and broke and hungry and
together
and
i miss it like anything because
i have everything i need except you
I just got called daddy for the first time (in a flirting context) and I don't know how I feel
I don't think I identify as daddy
sometimes i forget what a fucking badass i am
Loathing or whatever 😏😏😏
i love the bootsssss
It isn't okay to want you, but
In spite of everything -
I'm just a pile of
want, want, want
It's okay to be angry, isn't it?
Like a baby not being held,
Like a tornado about to touch down.
For all my understanding -
all my positive attitudes -
all my letting live and moving on -
I'm so fucking angry that you couldn't be the person I needed you to be.
resolution: THRIVE AT ALL COSTS
a weekday lunch in which you've promised to do nothing wrong
there might be a tsunami, we heard
a name unsaid
an attempt to linger
but no tidal wave engulfed us,
no vibration shifted us out to sea
just a goodbye only you could come up with
just a moment to imagine a different disaster
a moment drifting by
The Victim
content warning: domestic violence