Tight Laces

using tumblr like a diary

[tightlaces]

whether this is exactly your point?

[cw: suicide]

Five times?

Five is a lot of times.

My babygirl,

alone, scared,

trapped inside

I think of you as honest,

straightforward,

sometimes to a fault

Five times? That's a lot of times.

There was a moment, one Thanksgiving

We met a man from Boyle Heights

"I'm from Boyle Heights" you said

honey, you're from Orange County

My babygirl,

stronger than hell itself,

a miracle you're alive.

There was a moment, in the ER

You said you were critically ill

I looked it up -

your tests were normal

Five times, and

you're still here, so

was that really your point?

or were you trying to teach me a lesson?

[tightlaces]

a little bitch cries at the courthouse

I'm sitting in the parking lot

behind the Vallejo courthouse

a woman told me she saw a dead rat

and I also saw a dead rat

it turned out to be a door jamb

but it felt like a dead rat anyway

I'm sitting in the parking lot

behind the Vallejo courthouse

between my car and the next car over

absolutely sobbing

there's a beautiful tree out here -

the way the light hits the leaves,

it looks like it's glowing

crisp and colorful

you would like to see this tree, I think

you love to notice little natural things

going on walks, looking at flowers,

taking photos of bumblebees

you were so happy

cozied up on our couch

reading about bees

living the life you deserve

I used to think about this:

I'd wonder what you'd be like

if you'd grown up with

love, food, water, safety.

I'd picture you still self-assured,

still bold and independent,

but calmer, sleeker, better-fed -

meandering stories, happier endings.

By the end,

you were sleeping through the night

you were strong and healthy

you said you finally had a home.

But I?

I took those hits

Over and over and over again

So that you could have the life you deserve

I'm sitting in the parking lot,

absolutely sobbing, looking at the tree,

thinking that you HAVE to make it

so you can enjoy a tree like this again

and isn't that fucking pitiful?

aren't I such a fucking mark?

all the questions I can't think about

like whether this is exactly your point

[tightlaces]

it can't possibly be my fault

I'm walking by the water

Walking circles and circles

In the golden-brown fields

Where my heart should be

Is a rotten piece of meat

For lunch, I had

skittles and cigarettes

For dinner, I'll have Modelos

I've been thinking about it all day

Where my heart should be

Is a rotten piece of meat

Because you're going to die

and it'll be my fault.

And yes, I know that can't really be true

And yes, I know it's out of my hands

But it sure don't feel that way,

walking by the water,

my fingers itching,

itching to rip it out of my chest.

[tightlaces]

when I left her to fend for herself

You were on this very couch

Your hair, unkempt

Your body, wasting

This couch we foraged in Orinda

Brought back in Reece’s truck

“Not fast, just loud”, per the sticker

And lost a cushion on the 24

We laughed, music playing

Together under the pink sky

Silly, simple, stupid

You were on this very couch

Your back, shaking

Your breath, shattering

This couch we dragged up the staircase

The pink blanket you found

To hide the marks from the railing

That we couldn’t quite clear

We sweated, we huffed

Our friends cheered us on

What a normal thing that was

On this very couch,

You asked me for help,

And I said no

And everything that followed -

[tightlaces]

I am so much fucking stronger than I was two years ago

[tightlaces]

I'M GOING TO FUCKING do nothing and take a deep breath

[tightlaces]

examining the victim

this isn't hard; it's easy

it rolls off the tongue

I tell her everything you used to tell me:

you started it

what you did was worse

you're crazy

you're a fucking liar

all you do is lie

I walk away angry,

hot, energetic,

pissed off and laughing,

everything except

unrolling the creases of that very old hurt,

when someone I loved

talked to me that way,

before this stone-cold fence grew up,

before I learned that words are just noise,

before I became someone

who would laugh at someone like me.

[littlestpersimmon]

we come in peace

[tightlaces]

ufos come take me home

[tightlaces]

sutter home blues

it's a sutter home & hot cheetos type of night

and i think about so many nights with you

sweet-sick drunk, shivering cold,

crud-crusted and falling out of cupboards

"did you think it was loaded?" he said,

laughing, after he pulled the trigger

purple sewage spinning up

sink piled full of unwashed things

we were cold and broke and hungry and

together

and

i miss it like anything because

i have everything i need except you

[tightlaces]

I just got called daddy for the first time (in a flirting context) and I don't know how I feel

I don't think I identify as daddy

[tightlaces]

sometimes i forget what a fucking badass i am

[dalooch]

Loathing or whatever 😏😏😏

[tightlaces]

i love the bootsssss

[tightlaces]

It isn't okay to want you, but

In spite of everything -

I'm just a pile of

want, want, want

[tightlaces]

It's okay to be angry, isn't it?

Like a baby not being held,

Like a tornado about to touch down.

For all my understanding -

all my positive attitudes -

all my letting live and moving on -

I'm so fucking angry that you couldn't be the person I needed you to be.

[tightlaces]

resolution: THRIVE AT ALL COSTS

[tightlaces]

a weekday lunch in which you've promised to do nothing wrong

there might be a tsunami, we heard

a name unsaid

an attempt to linger

but no tidal wave engulfed us,

no vibration shifted us out to sea

just a goodbye only you could come up with

just a moment to imagine a different disaster

a moment drifting by

[tightlaces]

The Victim

content warning: domestic violence

She yells; I cry.

I laugh; she slaps me.

She cries.

I love her.

You're staring,

I'm staring.

My job, your job,

your marriage.

Fallen women,

strange fruit.

Who's victimizing who?