Wednesday was the most life changing counselling appointment I ever had.
It's taken me a couple days to process everything that happened, but I finally think I'm ready to make sense of it and write it all down.
Firstly, we're focusing on mindfulness, becoming aware of my thoughts, what they are, what they mean and how to deal with them. Really narrowing in on where they come from and what to make of them.
I have a lot of negative thoughts. My days are constantly filled with trying to deal with trying not be overcome with anxiety and sadness. I'm constantly worrying about getting my ever growing list of things done and pleasing those around me.Â
I've always known that I've been different, not in a way that I'm a minority, or that I'm a spectacular beauty or not even that I'm incredibly smart. I'm pretty average, brown eyes, brown hair, Italian in heritage, but I'm more of a white kid than italian, and for school, depending how hard I try I always manage to do well. I'm not even sure what makes me different, but it's evident. My thoughts are always racing, I react with intense passion, I strive for excellence in everything I do, I'm constantly making sure everyone around me is okay, but the most insane thing I've ever noticed at myself is my ability to pick up on body language. I pay attention, I watch, I observe and sometimes I even imitate. I can tell when something bad is about to happen, I can sense when something is wrong, even if I'm miles away from the person it's happening to. My dreams often predict future events, and I'm very good at reading someone's personality from minutes of meeting them.
I've always been drawn to people that are older than me, people that I think I can learn something from, people who teach me things and share their knowledge. I love people telling me stories, I love learning someones ticks and vices. But beyond all that, I've always enjoyed helping someone fix themselves. There's been times I've taken this to far, and I've tried to fix the world and everyone in it and it's pushed countless people away. But I've learned that the only person that can fix themselves is you. (this is where healing begins for me)
Now with being different. I've never had problems making friends, I think my biggest trouble was keeping them. I'm a sociable person and I love to talk. A lot of people can't handle my personality which puts people off. When I was a kid I was constantly told to shut up or that I was annoying so I've come to believe that's what I was. Annoying. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who is annoying. People don't include someone who is annoying. Annoying kids are destined to be playing board games by themselves in the corner of their junior kindergarden class. (the game was Trouble by the way)
So here formed Chocolate Face. The first personality I've ever associated myself with. She was a lame kid, but she was free. She was happy, and care free. Didn't care what people thought, and was on a constant adventure to find new things. But she did this thing, where she'd eat her chocolate pudding without a spoon, and people would laugh, people would help clean her up, people would call her names. It's what she became known for, and it was her quirk. But it's what defined her, and she loved it. Wether it was good or bad attention, it was attention. And for that annoying kid, attention was good. Attention gave her friends to play with, attention gave her the push to do more things, attention gave her a chance to be someone she always wanted to be - cool. But maybe it was beyond  cool, maybe she just wanted to feel loved. But it wouldn't be until much later in my life that the need for love has come to destroy me time and time again.Â
Now even though the name Chocolate Face is but a distant memory, that child is still very evident in my life. She took a grown up form I like to call CMac. Cmac is a little different though. She's learned, she's grown and she's learned that if you take it to far, you can lose things. But she still prides herself on being the butt of the jokes, she loves to make people laugh and be dramatic and over exaggerative. She's a camp counsellor. She gets to hangout with kids and give them the attention she never got. She feels good in letting others feel important. She cares for her friends and stretches herself thin to try and please everyone. She's often exhausted and worn out, but will always put things aside to help out. She's the extreme and doesn't take care of herself, she just worries about the other. Because people relying on her means people need her. She doesn't care if someone is using her, she just likes the attention of being wanted. She doesn't believe in love, and doesn't feel appreciated but that's okay because attention isn't her only goal anymore. But she likes the praise, she craves it, she loves that people know her for something.Â
Through this I still didn't understand the underlying fact of I didn't think I was good enough. As I kid, I didn't think I was cool enough to make friends, I didn't think I was smart enough to get marks my parents wanted me, I didn't think I was italian enough for my grandparents to be proud, I didn't think I was girly enough to fit in. As I grew up I didn't think I was tough enough to do some things, I didn't think I would ever find someone to be close to, I didn't think I had the motivation to get anywhere, I didn't think I was good enough at music to practice. But now many of these fears still exist. The main ones being I don't think I'm good enough for anyone to ever willing want to  be around me. I also don't think I'll ever make the ones around me proud. I also believe every one will find someone better to replace me with.Â
Now, do I really believe that last point? Half of me does, half of me doesn't. One hand is that little girl who's thinks she needs to be the centre of attention but the other hand is my very strong grown up personality - Chris.
Chris is cool. But not by anyone else standards. She just doesn't care what you think. She has nothing to prove except to herself. She cares about getting better and doing better. She pushes herself to learn and to grow. She has friends, and she has family, but she does what she wants, when she wants. She's not afraid of her every step, and she draws people to herself. Chris started being in my life in high school, while learning guitar. My guitar teacher (my idol at the time) started calling me Chris, and I loved it. When I played guitar I was in my own little world, doing things for me and I felt good. Chris made me feel my age, and she was confident. She knew what she needed to do and she accomplished things. It wasn't in a manipulative or adaptive method either (like chocolate face/cmac used). Now Chris hasn't had much time to develop, and that's because this nagging want of affection and love dominates my brain most days.
Where I'm at now is finding a balance in all this. Well there you go internet, I admitted I have multiple personalities that I like to switch back and forth from. Â
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