Think lovely thoughts

The power of words. So much to learn. It's all about feelings. In every language I can write.

[timeuponaonce]

So kiss me...

Kiss me, out of the bearded barley Nightly, beside the green, green grass Swing, swing, (swing, swing) swing the spinning step You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress

Oh, kiss me, beneath the milky twilight Lead me out on the moonlit floor Lift your open hand Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance Silver moon's sparkling So kiss me

Kiss me, (kiss me) down by the broken tree house Swing me, (swing me) upon its hanging tire Bring, bring, (bring, bring) bring your flowered hat We'll take the trail marked on your father's map

Oh, kiss me, beneath the milky twilight Lead me out on the moonlit floor Lift your open hand Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance Silver moon's sparkling So kiss me

Kiss me, beneath the milky twilight Lead me out on the moonlit floor Lift your open hand Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance Silver moon's sparkling So kiss me

[timeuponaonce]

Drowning

Almost all the times I’m writing here I’m drowning in tears. Maybe it’s because I only can write when I’m not handling everything inside me anymore and I need to let this out.

The worst feeling ever, in my humble opinion, is when you kinda feel that you’re disturbing somebody’s life or, even worse, you’re holding somebody back. This is awful, because we don’t tend to do anything bad, but somehow, we think we do. I try to convince myself that everybody has problems, and I can’t let mine be part of one’s life too. And I think it becomes something bigger because I put myself in a difficult position, I carry more responsibility than I could manage, when it’s not on me.

I know and I believe a God who has it all under His control, He knows each and every little thing that goes on in my life and He’s taking care of all; but I wish everybody around me could see the way I see things. That it’s not that bad, it’s not the end of the world and it’s gonna be fine in the end of the day. I’m not rich, I can’t solve all the problems I want bit Jesus can! The impossible is easy to Him. This I believe.

[timeuponaonce]

Guides me

Have I ever told you my life is a dilemma?

I gotta organise everything inside me.

Sometimes I don't believe in myself.

People think I'm really tough, strong, emotionless.

When deep inside I'm screaming, I'm confused. I am normal. An ordinary girl, an ordinary human being. I cry (a lot, by the way), I laugh (I love it), I can be romantic, I can be serious, I am sensible, I am difficult to deal with sometimes (I think. I agree).

Starting with my mom. She thinks I need to be the best all the time. It's always been like that, since I was a kid.

She believes I am a genius, I can do an extremely difficult and huge career (to her mind) such as medicine, law or architecture and get really rich.

In the other hand, there is my dad who believes I have to go to the army or work for the government somehow. And that's the only way to succeed he imagines for me.

Meanwhile, my mom wants me to be something so she can prove my dad he is wrong and my dad wants me to be what he wants so he can prove everybody he was right all the time.

And, if somebody remembers, there is me. Who is not sure yet about what I want because of all this mess.

But thank God I am doing something I like and where I see a purpose on. The only problem is that my family doesn't see that way. Despite that, I have Jesus with me, and if it wasn't him in my life, I don't know what I should do now. Even though I don't have any idea of the next step, I am living for HIM, I'm going where the Spirit guides me.

[timeuponaonce]

I've been thinking better...

Insomnia. That's it again. It caught me in the middle of a night when I couldn't sleep and, God, it got me so deep.

Apparently, the same issues: overthinking. My mind is a traitor and my heart is weak. I've been thinking about smiles, eye looks, holding hands, and that's tough. I believe I let my feelings too vulnerable and my thoughts too open to imagine that something is really possible to happen with somebody.

Being an undercover romantic is one of my flaws. I don't let people see what I've got inside but anyway I suffer big time because of my emotions. Probably, I should stop thinking too much of it and be more realistic. Maybe when I wait so hard for a thing it doesn't happen (I mean, in a relationship, I'm not saying I don't have faith or anything).

Perhaps, when my thing gets here I'll not be open to it. I'll be hurt, hard, avoiding everyone that tries to get close to me, and possibly I'll deny I'm in love when I know the one has arrived. Maybe I shouldn't let myself go too easy with moments and not expect that somebody will be interested only because of the way we speak to each other.

When I get my hopes too high on that, I get hurt. I've already tried that. And I don't want to repeat this mistake ever again. The secret is: don't fall in love first. And I have to remember that frequently. More than I wanted.

[timeuponaonce]

"Don't mess it all up", I told myself

Hi, endearing one.

Here is everything I'd love to say to you (after I had already written a 100 letters to you).

I made a lot of promises to myself about this but it turns out I couldn't keep a half of them. Unfortunately, we're not the way we used to be, although that way wasn't the best one, but at least we were in touch.

First of all, I've never thought that would happen. All in a sudden, I was caught up in a feeling I avoided for so long. The very first time we talked was so nice and I just didn't want to mess it all up. But I did, didn't I? My biggest mistake was to think about the possibility of you liking me and the rest was the consequence I was not rational enough to do.

I feel pathetic. I can't help but feel like a fool everytime I remember that day when I told you. No, I couldn't stay quiet with all of that only to me. But I needed to know what you had to say. And it feels like I still do need to know everything. I wish I could hear from you, since we didn't really talk that night. I wish I could look in your eyes and ask, although the answer will hurt again like a punch in my stomach.

You look like you're avoiding me, running from me, everytime we meet. I want to come to you and say hi but you don't seem to want the same. Plus, you don't even make a move towards me at all. I can't lie, I really wanted you to talk to me, all the time I think about it, and then I realise I could take the first step myself but I don't have the guts. It kills me.

Maybe I'm not interesting anymore, maybe you found someone else, maybe I'm boring and you don't want to tell me. Perhaps you don't want to have this kind of conversation in person and that's why you act cold and monosyllabic to me now.

I'm telling you that I wanted to be over you but I can't. Not now. Someday, perhaps. Wish me luck.

Probably that's not all, you know. For sure I have something in my heart that I can't express anyway, but if I could that'd be as honest as this whole text was. It's true. Also, that might not change anything in me, in you, we can't know, can we?

[timeuponaonce]

"Yesterday I cried. But on the day one I didn't".

[timeuponaonce]

The missing one

Today I cried in the shower

Yesterday I cried in the kitchen

The day before yesterday I cried in my room

It’s really difficult to deal with the fact that you’re not there anymore

I really wanted to know why you decided to go

Why did you go away from me? Why did you leave us here?

I’ll always remember you and your voice

We lived in the same city, studied in the same school

Perhaps you showed me your best part

Maybe I only knew the one you wanted me to

However you taught me some things

That friendship is the love we’ll carry within

Even if we’re far from each other

But we’ll always wish we could be embraced

Between arms and protecting one another

Taking care of those we love but can’t have close

[timeuponaonce]

My midnight thoughts

You are a mystery to me. I can't tell your thoughts, or your words, or even your feelings. Being far from you is almost painful to me, sometimes I just want to talk, to look in your eyes and see your smile in front of me. I want to hear your voice, but not in the phone, no, because we both hate speaking on the phone. I would rather do a video call or travel 16km to get to you. I just wish we could never end that conversation, or keep a conversation, because I don't know what takes you apart from me that we can't talk for so much time in a row. I want this moment to arrive soon, when we'll stop pretending that we don't want each other.

[timeuponaonce]

Je voudrais

I feel like I would explode 

Inside, I am a storm

Outside, I don't show my care

My mind and my heart are in the same harmony 

For this time, I feel something different 

It's like I could touch you

But meanwhile we're so far away 

Don't push me away from you 

More than I feel that I already am

Just wanna see you again 

Mais on est pas proche l'un d'autre

On est proche d'une façon que me dérrange

Ce lointain me fait mal

Je voudrais que tu savais comme je veux te voir

Par contre tu n'imagine pas 

Quand je te parle que la vérité 

Je voudrais te toucher

Tes mains, ton visage, te faire un câlin 

Regarder ton sourire, tes yeux 

Si proche des miens

Encore, je sens que tu veux le même 

Et aussi je sens que tu veux partir

However, the way I feel don't change

When I see you again

I know it's gonna be the same 

Ta voix ne quitte pas ma tête 

J'ai tes détails très clairs dans mes mémoires 

Mais ça fait longtemps que c'est comme 

Si je les perdais 

Je ne compte pas les jours qui manquent 

Pour que je te connaisse plus que maintenant 

Toute ma histoire je voulais te raconter 

J'imagine des moments, des dialogues 

Toi, souvent en souriant 

Autrement, si je pense à toi 

Je crois que ça sera

Plus difficile de savoir 

Si je te manque ou pas

C'est plus que des horaires pareils

Que me donnent d'espoir 

Que tu me pense

Comme je pense à toi  

[timeuponaonce]

Quien soy

Hace mucho no escribo acá. La verdad es que hace mucho no escribo nada y en ningún lado. Perdón si mi español no está perfecto jajajajj pero quiero decirles que estoy pasando por un momento con todos ustedes. Este en que estamos todos cerrados en casa, saliendo solamente cuando realmente necesario (así espero). Para mi, al principio fue un desastre, porque no pude salir por casi 4 semanas, estuve en casa y no puse mis pies en la calle ningún día siquiera. 

Pero, yo puedo decir que me hizo muy bien quedarme más tiempo conmigo misma, con mis padres, volviendo a mi vida después de mi viaje a Canadá. En algunos aspectos aún me hace mal no poder ir adonde quiera, sin embargo estoy haciendo cosas que creo no podría pensar hacer si no estuviera aquí. Volví a estudiar, a hacer ejercicios, intento cocinar, quiero escribir más, cantar, bailar. 

Aún así, todavía tengo bloqueos creativos,hay la pereza, me faltan ganas a veces, no quiero hacer nada sino acostarme en mi sillón y mirar a la tele todo el día. Y hay días que lo hago, pero esta no soy yo.

Por eso estoy acá escribiendo una vez más. Quiero hacer cosas nuevas y volver a hacer las cosas que me gustan desde siempre y para siempre. Quiero aprender y reaprender, inventar, descubrir. Quiero ser yo de nuevo. Gracias, Dios.

[timeuponaonce]

When you're lead to the mistake...

I feel guilty, I feel horrible, I hate myself right now! I can't understand how I could've been so stupid and how I did it. But the fact is that I did and I can't take back now, unfortunately. I could've given a hundred different excuses and I should've said NO! It's so simple but not easy. Now I realize that and I see that from now on I must give up on some things I like to pay (literally) for my mistake. I am afraid of what my parents will say and I can't handle this weight inside of me. It's like a rock in my heart and in my lungs that it's difficult even to breath. As Hannah Montana's song says "nobody is perfect (...) everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days". But the most incredible thing is that we tend to fall in the failure we judge others for making. It's so unfair! Or not. I'm not judging God's willing and it's so meant to be that I didn't feel what I was doing. Argh, again, I feel horrible, disgusted of my own. However, I'll be adult and responsible enough and take this responsibility. I'll not cry for help because I made it all alone, but I'll cry for what've done and I'll blame me for as long as it haunts me although I can't run from it. And what hurts most is that this day was supposed to be remembered as a happy and glorious day. But I'll remember it as the failure day.

[timeuponaonce]

Keep on getting better

Well, it's not easy to say it here but still that's the best I can do to feel better. While I was on my on, these days, I've been thinking and having a lot of ideas. However, unfortunately I didn't have willing to write or express myself. 

I'm lazy and with so much in my head I can't organize my thoughts and put 'em down in words. Although I'm here now and it's like 12h30 am. I am like this, my inspiration comes when I'm not expecting, specially late at night and when I have to go to bed. Besides, I've been trying new things this period I was off. I'm studying again, I looked for different things to learn and I'm getting more organized. I have to get used to wake up early yet, but I'm doing things faster and getting more concentrated to what I'm doing some time. It's such a great victory, because I used to waste a lot of time doing whatever that wouldn't give me anything. 

That's just a bit of what I've learned and I'm really happy for my not only personal but also professional improvement. Also, I think I'm learning to have a crush again. But now more controlled (hahahaha). That's a subject for another text. 

Thanks for your attention xoxox

[timeuponaonce]

Fear not

When we pass through some difficult situation, we usually think nobody else goes into something alike or something worse. But, actually, our problems are nothing but ours. No one has the same problems. Ok, there are some cases, however they are not exactly the same, there’s always a tiny little thing that makes one and another different.

Everybody goes through difficulty in life; it’s just a phase, God has everything under control. Let Him control it, we can do nothing, only trust Him and pray and praise Him and wait for His help. He’s always there for us, available to give us a hand and not only walk with us, but also carry us in His strong arms.

[timeuponaonce]

Those who work

I’ve been thinking these days about those people we see every day going up and down on the street. Normal people, you may say. But in my opinion they are warriors. I know that work is what everybody should or will do someday, it’s like a natural order of life: you’re born, you go to school, study for plenty years, go to college, and then you start working and study at the same time.

Yes, I’d worked for 6 months while I was in college because it was an obligation to graduate. No, I didn’t keep working after that period. First, I didn’t see myself working there for 6 more months and getting stressed and having less than half a salary to do my job and much more than I was prepared to do. It’s confused. But the thing is that I did like the experience and learning with that job, however I didn’t like the kind of job.

Second, I didn’t know how long I would handle working there and keeping my mind healthy. My everyday journey was crazy; I had to literally travel from my house to the office and then the opposite. Besides, I was doing my final project to graduate and it would make me go nuts if I didn’t focus only in one thing. I think I’ve already said it here, but I’ve always been a proactive person: I like doing two or three things at the same time and I grew up like this. But the journey home-office-home and once a week I had to go to college to meet my professor would have mess one or another (my job or my project), so I had to pick one and finish it as good as I could. Then, I picked my final project to finish the college.

My point is that I admire people that can both work and study and still do the housekeeping. I particularly am tired and this period I stayed at home looking for a job and being rejected all the time made me feel not only fatigued of doing nothing but also motivated to try new things and renew myself. I’m satisfied with what I am today and I’m doing fine, thank you. I still look at those people on the street and imagine what they do in life and how their day is by that moment. I like a quote by Ellen DeGeneres, which she says in the end of her show: “be kind to one another”. And that’s it. Do not treat anyone else badly just because you wish you were that person or had her life and her things. Each and every one of us has a time in life, and you will have your victory, what you’ve been asking for so long, as sooner as you think.

[timeuponaonce]

Playlists of June & July

1. Put your records on (Corinne Bailey Rae)

2. Everybody hurts (REM)

3. Since U been gone (Kelly Clarkson)

4. Walkin’ on sunshine (Katrina and the waves)

5. Take on me (A-ha)

6. Videira (Claudio Claro)

7. Don’t wanna know (Maroon 5)

8. Questão de fé (Jozyanne)

9. Deus dos impossíveis (Jozyanne)

10. Basta uma palavra (Comunidade internacional da zona sul)

11. Debaixo do meu pé (Comunidade internacional da zona sul)

12. Mine (Taylor Swift)

13. Our song (Taylor Swift)

14. He could be the one (Hannah Montana)

15. Nobody is perfect (Hannah Montana)

16. Cuentales (Disney Bia Soundtrack)

17. Tengo una canción (Disney Bia Soundtrack)

18. Así yo soy (Disney Bia Soundtrack) 

19. Primer amor (Disney Bia Soundtrack)

20. O melhor começa (Disney Bia Soundtrack)

21. Dar la vuelta al mundo (Disney Bia Soundtrack)

22. Coeurdonnier (Soprano)

23. Tu color para pintar (Disney Bia Soundtrack)

24. Good to be bad (Descendants Soundtrack)

25. Start of something new (High School Musical Soundtrack)

26. I want it all (High School Musical 3 Saoundtrack)   

[timeuponaonce]

The only hope we can have is somewhere and someday we’ll find ourselves free to be who we want to be and someone who understands and supports us, the person who doesn’t want to stop but encourage us in our path

Those days, a chronicle by Stella Barros

[timeuponaonce]

Those days

Sometimes we are just exhausted, tired and we think we’ll not make it. Everything we plan is ruined by someone with bad words, saying it’s not gonna happen or we’re not able to do so. It’s enough.

I find myself inside a hole and I’m getting suffocated, I can barely breath and all I want to do is cry. I just wish I was free, wish I could feel free to do what I love and what makes me happy this or that time. Since when I was little, I feel controlled by someone and as I don’t have voice to choose what to do with my own life.

The worst is when we are so excited to do something and we are motived by ourselves and we feel that we’re doing the right thing but automatically at the time we talk to another person we receive not only “it’s too much for you”, “you’ll not handle it” but also a lot of non-asked opinions and it’s hard not to get upset and why not angry.

The only hope in this case we can have is somewhere and someday we’ll find ourselves free to be who we want to be and someone who understands and supports us, the person who doesn’t want to stop but encourage us in our path.