Please For Give Me?
LoveDrug and Juliana Theory remind me of the pills that I used to take. Sometimes shiny, other times muted with deadly whites and barely there pinks. On my bed I’d sit, staring at each little gem of endorphin releasing devil tablets, wondering what hands put these little capsules together. Did they know of the destruction they would cause? Or how about the slow debt of death they tax my body. Never were they intended for the use I gave them. I wanted to be free, or at the very least, have the ability to be free. The doctor lied. The pharmacist lied. Even now I’ve lied to myself, saying that I needed them and no doctor, pharmacist or dealer could stop me from taking them.
Need verses should (want). Want always wins out because I’ll forever kill myself over want rather than need. I want to forget, but I need to remember to heal. I want to not think about life, but I need to reflect on my past to have a future. I want this, but that need always gets in the way of what I should do. So instead I’ll take this little pill in front of me, or drink that glass of amber liquid, and I get what I truly deserve - nothing.
It’s all a lie, really, it is. The idea that a person can be released from their sins or burdens or something equally as damning as whatever they’ve been afflicted with because of their choices, it truly is the most damning lie ever created. It’s also false to believe that something or someone or some cosmic entity could possibly save you from yourself. Nothing but yourself can save you from yourself. And the irony of it all is that one has to really believe that salvation is the answer in order for it actually be the answer. Most people won’t believe in anything enough, but we keep searching for "it".
It’s been years since I’ve allowed myself to listen to these two bands. Listening to them and not taking a pill is like fries without ketchup. Pointless. But maybe you prefer ranch or chipotle sauce. Don’t worry, there are a million more kinds of pills from where that came from and an endless supply of disparity to justify. With ketchup one doesn’t get the full benefit of the fries. We cover up the best things with the worst things thinking that we made them better. Have you ever tried to eat fries without a sauce or a dressing? It’s a religious experience, honestly. A potato in its purest form is its best from, but we take away and add imperfections like we’re the god that created the damn thing.
He asked me to promise to throw them away. I can’t promise something that I know I might not keep. In that moment I felt like the biggest disappointment because I know I have to throw them away but I don’t want to. So here I sit, laptop in front of me, bottle of those little white devils staring at me and these words flowing from my fingers. Who knows how long I’ve had them. Who knows where I got them. But for now they will remain on the shelf for the next time I listen to LoveDrug and Juliana Theory, the last remnants of my past that won’t seem to go away.
Sorry I’m such a fuck up.
