Lost in Neverland

just look at the sky and you'll know how i feel

[tinkabellaa]

i wonder why does it sting when i read something about you? when did i get hurt all over again? i thought i gaged myself to be stoic about anything that i will see and read about you. guess, i was wrong. 

do i love you too much that i am willing to let you go? or should i be selfish when it comes to you? if i'll be selfish then i'd probably beg you to stay. but i don't want to beg for your love. i don't want you to be suffocated. i don't want you to love me just because i love you. i want you to love me because you wanted to and you really do love me without any reasons and hindrances. 

i suddenly lost myself when i read something that hurts. i feel like my heart is being stuck by a lightning for a thousand times. i don't know what to do. i try to disclose a smile. i try to disclose a chuckle. i try to show some laughter. but everything is fake. fake laughters. fake smiles. it just stings for a thousand times -- a million times, even.

i cannot breathe anymore right now. too much sadness is consuming me. i want to cry but i cant cos i am in a public place right now. i am actually in class. i just want to shut down, cry a river and sleep. and wake up after a year again.

[tinkabellaa]

i knew i will go back here.

when all else fails, this blog is my rebound.

[tinkabellaa]

after 9 months, here i am again writing my shit. there's too many eyes on my two other accounts and i can't seem to handle it when people who know me will be able to read what's going on in my made especially the people that i know in real life.

it's good to be back. no one knows me here. 

hi.

[paperflowerspress]

You are a sentence and I am a semicolon begging you to go on.

We will be a novel one day - Meghan Lynn

[tinkabellaa]

sometimes i drink to test myself if I'm still into you or not anymore

[tinkabellaa]

“I’m not the person you left behind anymore. There’s no one here to miss.”

Iain Thomas

[tinkabellaa]

So I’ve been thinking that if I’ll die now, would it even make a difference?

I always think that it will be a relief to everyone if I will just die. I don’t even know what life I’m living for. Here’s the deal, I’ve been taught about the religious stuff but I don’t want to talk about it right now. I want to talk about my thoughts that haunts me at 2AM. 

Friends say I am living the life. I always ask them, what life? Do they mean the material things that I have? Perhaps I always get what I want in my life especially at my age right now but why do they think that I am living the life just because I have it? Why do they think that it’s a pleasure to have it? No. The material things I have don’t rationalise how happy I am on the outside. It’s just a front. Everything’s a mask.

I have a car that I don’t even use. I have phones and laptops and material things that my parents just gave me out of the blue. Yes, I am happy because I get the things most people are wishing for. But I want genuine happiness. I want something that retains in my heart not in my mind. I want something invisible that I could touch or feel not these material things in front of me. I want something extraordinary that I could be proud to have. I want to live the life that no material things could ever replace. Not even cars, expensive bags, shoes or clothes. No, not those. Those are guilty pleasures and not the kind of emotion that I’ve been dying to have.

Sometimes I think street children are more blessed than I am. They could eat what they want and they could do what they want. Whenever some of my friends are talking about childhood, I just sit there and listen because I’ve been deprived to a lot of things. Since birth, I have been deprived and until now I still cannot do the things that I’ve been dying to do because of some personal issues that will stay with me forever.

I actually don’t even know what I’m looking for. Is it love, happiness or maybe something’s missing in me. I just want to feel something very remarkable that I would be grateful to have for in the long run. 

[tinkabellaa]

Please make it stop. It hurts.

I’ve said this so many times (and I blogged about this a lot of times) here on tumblr. How do I make it stop? Easy-peasy. 

I learned to control my emotions. I knew how to shut off an emotion that shouldn’t be entertained. This has started when I decided to open up my heart again and decided to wear my heart on my sleeve. I knew it; I shouldn’t have listened to what my heart says because my heart is a renegade — our heart is a renegade that always betrays us.

I learned how to wear my heart on my cheek. I decided to not care about anyone’s feelings ever since I knew how to control it. I decided to keep it hidden. I verbalise the feelings that say the opposite of what I really feel because hiding it is easier. It makes you feel strong; it makes you feel less pain.

So I settled for this even though it would take a lot of consequences as a whole human being.

[tinkabellaa]

Dear Peter Pan,

If you’re really an angel who takes away kids lives so they could never grow up,

Take me to Neverland now.

[tinkabellaa]

“I like to think that somewhere out there, on a planet exactly like ours, two people exactly like you and me made totally different choices and that, somewhere, we’re still together. That’s enough for me.”

Iain Thomas

[tinkabellaa]

You gave me a meaning to my life, Yes, I’ve gone beyond existing And it all began when I met you.

[tinkabellaa]

Im still writing about you

[tinkabellaa]

"She will always be my favorite ‘unknown’."

He doesn’t know her that much but he wants to search for her. He wants to help her in every possible way that he can. He’s crashed on the inside but he will do everything to fix his life just to be able to know her more; just to patch this girl’s wounds. He wants to heal and kiss every inch of wound that this girl has. He always feel like there’s a missing spot in his cold heart so he went through a search and found this girl would be right for her. He feels like she’s the answer in thawing his cold heart.

He’s willing to wait until it’s his turn for this girl to notice her. He is scared that this girl won’t be available anymore. He hates himself for rooting for a girl who is already taken. He smokes and drinks a lot to take away the pain even just for a while. He always look at her from a distance because he knows that in whatever he do, she won’t be able to notice him.

He tried to make a conversation with her but he always fails. The girl always ended up not replying to what he said. He is so confused that he thinks that his replies suck or he is annoying her because he talks too much for a person who hasn’t really known her. So he blames himself for everything; for ruining all the chances that he could have to know this girl even more.

It’s crazy because he barely even know her yet he thinks he’s the girl he’ll love for the rest of his life. He knows how destructive this girl’s life is yet he wants to be there for her in every dilemma that this girl have. He always forgets that she has already a man who will take care of her; who loves her dearly and feels safe to be with in every aspect of her life. He was jealous about the guy. He always wished in every star at night that one day, this girl will notice him and will change her point of view about every guy she had; that he is the best man for her; that he loves her in a way that more than anybody could have ever loved in this world.

He has loved her ever since he knew she was on the brink of giving up. He has loved her ever since he knew how devastated she were. He has loved her even though she cant even understand her own self. He has loved her ever since he first laid his eyes on her. Four years. Four years and it’s still her. He always wonders when will he be noticed or if this waiting game is worth it in the end. He knows how hard it is to love a person secretly and this is what he’s doing. 

He always wanted to be there for her but he can’t. He is envious and jealous because the man that this girl loves is the only position in his life that he ever wanted in a person’s life yet he can’t even be ‘that’ one. Everybody thinks that the reason behind his drinking and smoking are just because of the stage in life where people really drink and smoke but no. Hell, no. He drinks to numb the pain away because every single day when this girl talks about his man is the day where he breaks down and cry and wish that it was him that he is referring to; every single day when this girl writes about his man, he shuts everyone out and smokes as much stick as he can.

Nobody really knows the reason behind it but himself. Nobody knows that this is the real reason behind his cold heart. He is still in love with her and he still hopes that someday, he will have a place in her heart and their relationship and memories will be treasured.. forever

[tinkabellaa]

I'll be back.

[tinkabellaa]

how do you exhume a feeling that you buried?

[tinkabellaa]

"Have you ever thought of loving someone?" “What. Of course i love my family and friends and you.” “You know that’s not about it.” “Nope. I don’t know.” “Do you know that you’re hard to love?” “What.. I’m not asking for anyone to love me.” “See. That’s the reason. You don’t want to be loved. A lot of people actually loves you, **! C’mon I know a lot.” “*laughs* No. Why are we even talking about this.” “Because I want you to realize something. As your ate, I’m scared that you’ll just continue to push people away.” “You know that it’s so much better that way for me.” “But you should accept people who loves you.” “Not now.” “Fuck it, **, tigas ng ulo mo.” “I know. I know..”

[tinkabellaa]

What the fuck Alex Actions speak louder than words Fuck love brah