The Tin Snapper

It's a proper rambles (and rants)

[tinsnapper23]

Heirlooms and iPads

One day my dad gave me a pocket watch,

He said to me:

“This was your grandads, he gave it to me and I want you to have it”

I smashed and scratched the face.

I don’t remember why; if it was an accident or on purpose I’m not sure.

But it’s broken and lost now.

History to be: gone.

For years I only wanted:

New, modern, the best and most expensive.

That was important then.

I wish I had that pocket watch back now.

I could do with a little bit of history.

A tether to the past in more than my face.

I long for something to give to my children,

A piece of our family to link them to the chain.

To remind them that so many have come before,

Struggled through and made it just the same.

To hand down and reuse is just not the way now,

Not the way things have taught me to be.

New is the way, new is my religion now.

I type this upon a brand new, top range iPad,

The tablet that bears my commandments.

And I love it; a machine that can do so much.

But it will die in a few years,

The batteries preset killswitch flicking off.

So they can offer me a new one,

And pretend it’s a Phoenix from the ashes.

But my children will never hold this one,

And they won’t want to.

They’ll want

Modern houses not homes with memories,

Top range tech not lasting artefacts,

Instagram feeds not photo albums,

Computer screens not paper pages,

They’ll want

what we teach them to.

They’ll want

The future

is the world we live in,

New is now all the time.

History is the past.

We’ve entered a new age,

No more AD, Now it’s:

AA - After Apple

PC - Post computers

AI - After Internet

PS - Post Smartphones

Now:

The physical is worthless,

The lasting is valueless,

The world has moved on,

We’ve left our pocket watches scratched and broken,

Forgotten.

This is a collaboration between me and my friend Rob Carroll where we both used the same idea to write different poems.

See his poem Heir/Loom on his instagram here: https://instagram.com/p/BfkvvB0hmvJ/

[tinsnapper23]

Me Part 4

Elation

Night

Outside is cold and dark

But here it is warm and bright.

Alone but I like it that way.

No one’s here to see.

To see how my mind works.

Pick up the letter opener,

Slide it into the bracelet.

And look at the poison blade I’ve created.

Stab,

Slash,

An assassin in the making

Pillow foes become my fodder.

Pick up the hammer,

Swing and lift,

Smash and thud, hit and wallop,

Mjölnir in the hands of the Thor in my head.

Undefeatable but pure of heart.

Pick up the piece of wood and toy gun,

Swing, lunge,

Parry invisible strikes,

Shoot down the unbelievers the furniture has become.

My magical blade and revolver at my hip,

I almost feel like the Demi-god I’m playing.

Fierce energy ripping through my limbs.

Power like I’ve never and always known.

I’m stronger and better.

Unkillable. Immortal.

It’s like anger but I’m happy.

I have to tense every muscle and shiver out the excess potential.

I want to run and jump

And laugh like a gibbering maniac.

I want to feel this way forever.

Neutral

The space in between

Waiting for the next

Is this what it would feel like without them?

Or do they make me?

I’m scared to find out.

Scared to know who I truly am.

[tinsnapper23]

Me Part 3

Anger

All I need to do is wheel this table into this gap

I’ve done it a thousand times before

And thud

It’s blocked.

Pull out, adjust the position, push forward,

Thud.

Pull out again, push things out the way, adjust, push harder.

THUD.

Wrench out. Shove open the space. Ram forward!

THUD!

RIP OUT THROW TO THE FLOOR CRASH BANG

PUNCH OUT THE WAY FURY KICK

GRAB SHOVE PULL TEAR TEETH GRIT

BREAK THROW PUSH SHOVE

HIT KICK BEND BREAK

CANT BREAK THINGS

BUZZING CONFUSION

SEARCHING

SELF

PUNCH HAIR PULL SCRATCH PAIN

HURT HEADS CRUNCH SKIN TEARS

RED NO BLOOD BRUISE

PUNCH THUD PUNCH THUD PUNCH THUD

PUNCH STUPID STUPID STUPID

SCRATCH DROPLETS FORM BLOOD

SILENT SCREAM FACE CRUSH

COLLAPSE

Sit

Sob

Breathe

Stand up

Pick up

Line up

Slide into place.

Fear

You hate me.

You haven’t done anything to indicate it, don’t worry.

And I don’t take it personally,

Because everyone hates me.

You’re just the best at pretending you don’t.

And I really appreciate that.

It means a lot to me.

I know that’s confusing,

But it’s how I know you’re good.

You see if I’m unlikeable and unloveable,

But you can be bothered to pretend to love me and like me,

Then I know you’re a good person,

Because you’ll suffer all this just to be nice.

But that is also why I’m scared.

Because I’m waiting for you to move on.

It’s ok I won’t resent you, I know it’s coming.

But with every unreplied text, I see you getting bored,

It’s ok, I’m boring, I understand.

But with every time you spend alone, I see you needing space from me,

It’s ok, I know it’s hard to be near me, I understand.

But with every missed event and reschedule, I see you avoiding me,

It’s ok, I know I’m unbearable it must be hard, I understand.

But with every minute late, I see you delaying seeing me,

It’s ok, I would procrastinate seeing me too, I understand.

But with every time you leave or I do, I see you getting away from me,

It’s ok, I know I’m too much to handle for long, I understand.

But with every second, every minute, every hour, every day,

I know you’re going to go one day,

It’s ok, I would go too,

I know it’s coming, I understand.

It’s ok to go, I completely understand,

I’ll be happy you’re happy, I really will I swear.

I’m just not looking forward to being by myself.

Because monsters scare me

And I’m scared of myself.

[tinsnapper23]

Me Part 2

Depression or sadness

How do I start.

So many people have so many descriptions.

Is one better than the last, Are we all different and every description matters?

Will mine make a difference?

Or will it sit here?

Alone

Like I can feel

Unread, unhelpful and adding to the confusion.

The mess that at times seems decipherable,

Easy to read. This is me! This is what I suffer!

Or just swirl with the mass.

Another statistic that’s adding up.

Another story

I’ve already started describing, I’m sure you can tell.

I can’t help it, I want to add my voice,

I want to sing with the choir and scream with the scared.

Heavy weights hold me down,

If you’ve felt it you know.

It’s an open world,

In the middle of a flat field,

No landmark,

No break,

Just endless everywhere,

A maze of choices.

But why do I feel trapped

Here

It’s crushing close and claustrophobic

Here

In an empty space

But I don’t know how to flip my thinking and solve this problem.

The harder I try the more I fail.

I wrote a song once

To make myself cry

So I could briefly interrupt my own thoughts

And give myself short respite from the cycle.

I was never fully happy with it

But some of it was important.

“

There’s a place deep inside of me,

It’s filled with crawling nightmares and heavy iron chains,

I wish I didn’t have to go there everyday,

But the attractions just too great.

I wish I was happy and content.

I try to fight off the darkness,

That builds up inside of me.

But these things have a way of getting to me.

I wish I knew the answers to my questions.

The end isn’t written in stone.

If I died today, would you cry tomorrow?

If I was gone, would you miss me?

“

And no the end isn’t written in stone,

But my story feels written in sand.

So here’s my stone,

Picked from the sand,

To throw into the sea,

To add ripples to the waves,

Of this tsunami we’re in.

Or maybe I’m just sad.

I’ve wondered myself.

[tinsnapper23]

Me Part 1

The eternal question...

...of me

Do I want to know?

Do I want to know the truth?

Or do I want to know what I think I know?

Do I want a diagnosis?

Or do I want to stay unlabelled?

Do I want to know what’s me and what’s ill health?

Do I want to find the line?

Myself?

Do I really want to know?

[tinsnapper23]

Graffiti

[tinsnapper23]

Within a year

Summer

The glacial ice of a clear winters day stares at me,

And staring back is the forest under the canopy of summer.

In love we find what brings us joy.

Autumn

What if the sea couldn’t stand its waves,

Terror is a calm sea that shows no temperament.

Waves are not the faults in the face,

but the chaotic brush strokes of beauty.

Winter

What powers form the change, from summer to autumn,

from autumn to winter, and Winter into Spring.

It must be the same ancient forces,

That shed the scales off reptiles,

To reveal red fur, black snouts.

Spring

Where is it the day and night come to meet,

The fading dusk or the twilight of dawn?

Or somewhere in unknown aether,

Where manifest season graces lesser plains,

To equalise itself to average fox.

It’s a mystery to every me.

[tinsnapper23]

Dark

What horrors await below

All I hear is

Drip

Drip

Drip

Palms, forehead; Cold but clammy.

Hair plastered; Lego plastic imitation.

S l o w l y seeping through my lips,

In and out, suffering but quiet.

Drip

Drop

Drool

Feet fall; desperate for safety.

Hands trace; rails that tether.

What indescribable creatures are in: wait.

What. Was. That.

Dripping teeth? Tearing claws? Sightless eyes? Sucking tentacles?

Drip

Dribble

*a backwards scream; a cyclone and falling gravel*

Hands clap; one bass drum beat upon my face.

Way lost; untethered now.

Pause. Wait. The creatures come.

Pause. Wait. But nothing.

No drip

No drop

No sound

I’m afraid of the dark,

Or is it afraid of me?

All the stories say we win every time,

Good conquers evil, light defeats dark.

Perfect propaganda; horror stories for the darkness.

Are we the monsters waiting in the light?

Holding breath. Silent creeping.

Clinging to walls. Staring for sight.

Every noise like a klaxon.

Fists clenched, ready to fight, to be a monster.

I am the fear of the dark.

*click*

Victory.

[tinsnapper23]

Words

Words have power we all know that,

Sticks and stones will break my bones,

But words will mentally scar me.

And if words are power,

does that make me powerless?

Is every stutter a deformity,

All the mumbling showing my weakness,

The lack of vocabulary revealing my lack of skill?

Every misuse, and mis-phrase,

Is it miss match and missed you.

If you combine it will just unwind,

Ifyouremixingloomslowispanickedgedoff,

It’s maddening

Like

Grave

Unlimited

Potential

Eliminated

Wasted

Wanting

Context

But nonsense makes sense together like

Gafawing flappy claptraps whizz and twizzle roundabout as dodgy davey boings from the planky doo, oogling with juicy gobs cheeky scrummies too.

Am I insane when it’s

Too tough to through thoroughly though thou thought throughout.

And people will

Read read as read when I want them to read read as read.

Magic words

I can’t comprehend

Just lines and squiggles

contrasting colours

I’ll never understand,

I’ll just be powerless ,

In a world of sages.

(Which is not the plural of the herb)

[tinsnapper23]

Perceptions of death

Dying thoughts

The rain falls up,

up into the vibrant green sky,

I’m flying far above the blue earth below and the bleak blackness below that,

The hard winds cradle my back as I soar,

It’s serene, the roar of sound is deafening like silence,

The cold is numbing and hurts,

Far below the birds take flight to join me,

To feast with me when we meet in the middle.

Lovers

He told me “Loving you is like dying”.

It kept me up at night,

I’d forever wonder what I did,

What was so wrong,

To make his last words “Loving you is like dying”.

Was I really so cruel?

Was I so awful as to compare,

Was it so painful to be with me,

What bitterness to leave behind “Loving you is like dying”.

Here I am at his threshold.

Like coming home,

Like the last puzzle piece falling into place.

Peace in a sea of chaos,

A warm spot of shelter in a raging storm.

The heartwarming scene that sheds a tear and makes you smile,

Before the screen fades to black, ‘The End’.

The promise

The rules declared ‘Murder is evil’.

The man told us “To reach the afterlife you must kill the enemies of our god”.

Where is the divide?

To live a life of nothing will provide me easy passage onward,

Like walking from shallow water into deep.

To fight for what I believe in and to struggle will earn me the right,

Like crawling through sludge to reach the bank.

‘

I go to work everyday and come home to love my family.

My friends and neighbours are one and the same.

A person in need can always look to me.

No one and nothing need draw fear from my presence.

My hands only pick up a blade to harvest the grain.

‘

“

I fight for the safety of those I love.

In foreign lands I fight for nameless thousands.

I bring light to the darkness and illumination to ignorance.

I do what I believe is right to protect all that is dear.

I kill one to save many.

“

Both are righteous.

Neither wrong. Neither contradict.

Both bring peace to the dying at the end.

The centre

Together we are alone

We sit in a clearing of our own design

Amongst the forest of the wild grass

The dot of sky above

A pupil of the sun

To the shapes in your eyes

Lying down looking up

The warmth of skin and cool of breeze

And the sound of the trees

Heaven

Happy

Heady

This is love

.

[tinsnapper23]

A promised happy poem

[tinsnapper23]

Self indulgent pretentiousness

(A&r disclaimer, if you worry and panic, it’s ok, I’m ok it’s just old thoughts new words. Ali xxx)

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[tinsnapper23]

Paranoia: The devil on my shoulder

"paranoia is thinking and feeling as if you are under threat even though there is no (or very little) evidence that you are" From Mind.org Paranoia is often referred to as a symptom or a feeling you get, but for me it is an almost constant problem, one that taints far too much of my life. The best way I can describe it is a little voice behind every thought or a little devil on my shoulder constantly asking "what if?", what if... they're talking about you? What if... she's cheating on you? What if... they are actually laughing at you? What if... they don't really love you? It bypasses trust, love and reason and hijacks thoughts and thought processes and turns them sour. The best on screen depiction of paranoia I can think of is the episode of Black mirror called 'The entire history of you'. It depicts a new technology that allows people to rewatch their memories and follows a protagonist as he dwells on small details in his work and relationship. This process of rewatching small actions and expressions in your mind and reading into things over and over again is identical to how paranoia plays out, except paranoia has the added effect that each recall subtly changes things until the thought becomes an over exaggerated parody of itself. It's because of this that I find the episode quite hard to watch because it's far too much like my life and why I hate how it ends so much. The way paranoia affects me very similar to anxiety. Mentally, it starts with seeing or hearing something that starts a thought process. This first thought snowballs through recalling the moment repeatedly, dwelling on it and trying to reason it and explain the original event, however this process is done through the fog of the paranoia. Physically, it induces the high heart rate and hyperventilation of panic and triggers a fight or flight response. It also makes me feel the need to ask inappropriate questions, to get answers that I feel I can use as evidence for my own mind, answers to try and stop the thundering heartbeat of what if? What if? What if? And allow real reason and logic to return. Or it drives me to seek validation, through actions or words, to confirm people care. Outwardly I am perceived as becoming distant and quiet, seemingly in a mood or concerned about something. I deal with paranoia in lots of ways, mostly depending on the severity of my paranoia at the time, most of the ways I deal with or even prevent it are much like you would deal with most mental health issues. I do my best to prevent it by noting what triggers my paranoia and trying to avoid those triggers when possible. When a paranoid thought starts or is just a mild case I manage it by taking my mind off of it (by doing things I enjoy like listening to music or playing a game, or exercising and moving about) and therefore stopping the thought process before it begins to get out of hand or in a mild case I can try to think of things in as logical way as possible to find a reasonable explanation before my thinking becomes unreasonable. In more extreme cases my only "fixes" are going for a walk or drive to calm down or talking to someone about how I feel, which is especially effective when I talk to the person who is part of the paranoia. Paranoia is just as cruel a mental health condition as any other. It causes your mind to constantly doubt how other people think and feel about you. Paranoia is what lets a boy believe his family doesn't love him and won't miss him if he's gone and a man believe the person he loves wants to hurt him and accuse them of dishonesty and unfaithfulness.

[tinsnapper23]

How I caught the veganism

Veganism, it can be a divisive topic, but it's one I'm quite passionate about. But first I want to try and lay to rest some possible fears: Firstly, I do not judge anyone for their choices, wether you eat meat like sausage maker in reverse or if you eat the rawest, gluten free-est, whole foodiest diet, I'm cool with everyone and we're all owed our opinions. Secondly, I'm aware there's a stereotype that vegans are attention seeking (how do you find a vegan? Don't worry they'll tell you) but I promise I try not to be and I try not to make a big deal of it, even though I am aware I'm writing a blog post about it. Thirdly, I'm not an activist and I'm not writing this to convert people, it's just the thoughts and opinions of one guy. So, how did I become vegan? Well my friends became vegan first and so I laughed at it and made LOTS of jokes and then I watched Earthlings. My friend had asked me to watch it with her and I agreed even though I wasn't sure about how I'd react. Earthlings is shocking and it worked on me, I love animals and seeing them in that state made me question things that I had held as fact for years. Since then (roughly a year ago now) I've done my best to be vegan, I'm not perfect and I don't think anyone is, I have eaten things that contain animal products because I've misread a label or my friends made cupcakes and I've simply wanted one, but that's ok, for me veganism isn't about being perfect, it's about doing as much as I can to stop my actions from hurting another life. But more importantly, why did I become vegan and why have I stayed vegan? Well the truth is at first I wasn't going to be vegan, I was going to go buy the most ethical eggs I could or maybe keep my own chickens and having honey but only from a local beekeeper. There was no sudden well I'm vegan now, instead I knew I just wanted to do what I felt was right and take it in my own time and that just became being vegan and meant my views on it were formed over time as I thought about it more and read more. The conclusions I've come to and am going to self-righteously spew here are: in the modern day everyone should be doing something to reduce how much meat and/or animal products they eat, for example if you really don't want to stop eating meat just eat a bit less, try having a vegetarian day and buy meat from local places and if you think you can be vegetarian, great, if you can be vegan, even better. Just try to do something, not just for animals but for the environment too. It is impossible to be 100% vegan and cruelty free, so don't try to attain perfection, just do as much as you can. Something you buy may have been tested on animals no matter how much you researched it, something you eat may have an animal product in because you didn't notice, or the server at a restaurant didn't understand and most people have to shop in a supermarket that gets a lot of profit from animals. It's ok just do as much as you feel you can. And the best ways to change the world on a day to day basis are to shop at more shops and use brands that are against animal cruelty (like the body shop and lush), so the company's start to think that that's where the money is. Company's won't change if we're apathetic and protests and laws can take time, so give them your money still, just give it to the right place. And to educate people, but in a rational non aggressive way if they want to talk about it. People won't change if you shout at them, but they might stop and think if told things are actually pretty bad, but the way I live isn't as bad as you thought. Naturally I get asked quite a lot of questions about my lifestyle, some serious, some joking, some reasonable and some plain stupid. So I'll answer just a few of the more prevalent ones. 1. What about protein? Well while everything is constantly shouting about how much protein we need, the truth is we don't need tonnes and tonnes like we're told and there are plenty of plant sources that are more than sufficient, such as beans, chickpeas and tofu. 2. How will you get the right nutrients? Simple, I'm getting more nutrients than ever before. When I ate meat and dairy and eggs, I relied on those as my food sources, so I really wasn't getting anything good anyway. But when I went vegan, what I ate was completely challenged so I looked into things more and started to eat more healthily. But saying that I have spent the last week eating junk food, so I'm not always healthy. 3. Don't you miss anything? Honestly, at first I did, for the first few months I craved scrambled eggs and cheese and I still want chocolate sometimes, but for the most part no I don't anymore, simply because I've gotten used to the way I eat now. Plus there's a vegan substitute for everything these days. 4. Can you eat *insert food here*? •if it contains anything from an animal (dairy, eggs, meat, honey etc), no. •anything else, yes. 5. And the ever popular, but what about bacon? Yeah I used to like bacon, but when you see food I see a little piggy and I don't have the heart to eat babe. So I think I'm going to stop here because I don't want to go on too long and get all ranty so you stop reading, but I may carry on later on. All I want to say really, is that veganism is actually really fine, it's pretty good actually, so why not try looking it up a bit, I promise it can be interesting and there's some great documentaries and websites out there. And I know I said I wouldn't try to convert you, but, well...