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tiredofthetrauma

-Calls babe after work-

"Hey baby, could you pack me a bowl for when I get home and heat up some chicken patties so I can eat once I'm there?"

"Yeah I've got you, I'll even make your sandwiches"

-gets home 30 minutes later-

-bowl isn't packed, food isnt being heated up-

"I'm really tired, I'm gonna take a nap"

Dude.

Dude.....

Im gonna ask again tomorrow, if he doesn't then then I will be getting a bit upset about addressing it. I didn't ask him to clean while I was working. I have been cleaning all this week and he has not had to do any of it, which I chose to do. But to not have to clean, to be able to relax for hours while I worked, just to not even pack me a bowl, make me food like I asked, or really do anything; is really fucked up.

Like, I kinda did all of the cleaning before today so he wouldn't feel a need to clean, and would then be able to, 0 issues, look out for me upon getting home. Nope. Why would I get that. Why would I be able to relax upon getting home.

tiredofthetrauma

I'm just gonna get another energy drink while he sleeps and clean the house up some more. Seems to be the only coping mechanism I've had lately for feeling like I'm not taken care of like I'm taking care of others. To take care of myself and my space. To feel in control of at least that, my home.

-Calls babe after work-

"Hey baby, could you pack me a bowl for when I get home and heat up some chicken patties so I can eat once I'm there?"

"Yeah I've got you, I'll even make your sandwiches"

-gets home 30 minutes later-

-bowl isn't packed, food isnt being heated up-

"I'm really tired, I'm gonna take a nap"

Dude.

Dude.....

Im gonna ask again tomorrow, if he doesn't then then I will be getting a bit upset about addressing it. I didn't ask him to clean while I was working. I have been cleaning all this week and he has not had to do any of it, which I chose to do. But to not have to clean, to be able to relax for hours while I worked, just to not even pack me a bowl, make me food like I asked, or really do anything; is really fucked up.

Like, I kinda did all of the cleaning before today so he wouldn't feel a need to clean, and would then be able to, 0 issues, look out for me upon getting home. Nope. Why would I get that. Why would I be able to relax upon getting home.

-finally watching hazbin-

-roommate comes in- I cancel this session to play game

-stops playing show-

"I was joking you're good"

-doesn't continue show and switches shows-

Alright. Fuck me I guess. I was so fucking excited and happy.

I've felt very unreality for the last 10 or 15 minutes and I really don't likey because it has been YEARS since I've felt like I wasn't real and this could be a coma or a movie or simulation ect. And I mean this separately from a base level of dissociating and feeling like you're/the world isn't real, like, it's more of a deep rooted fear heart wrenching feeling of this not being real, for it to all be for nothing, especially for things being too good to be true.

I think I have a deep fear of success. I never expected it honestly. I never envisioned the steps there, and at most imagined cookie cutter dream lives/future living situations and finances like it was maldaptive daydreaming more than actual planning or seeing a path to it. And now that I'm on the path. I am so scared.

Im ngl, we're on vacation with our internet buds and what we did yesterday still has kinda got me fucked up. Nothing bad, just frustrating.

So we went to the movie theatre to see that new movie sinners. Well, to be direct, we had a total of maybe 50 bucks left over, and spent almost 20 of that left over money on the movie tickets.

I dont think any of our other friends understand just how much we didn't like the movie. I disliked it so much that I'm now pissed I can't afford anything else on the trip because of it. Hell, after the movie we went to Wendy's, and we literally couldn't justify getting any; meanwhile I couldn't justify paying for that fucking movie.

Im actually really really bummed over this if I'm being honest. I did all I could to plan us having a good amount of money, just for us to literally be broke already on day 3 out of 7. All because of a movie. We would still have 50. We now have enough for dinner with friends on the last day, and that's it.

If my parents ever aks what I want from them, I'll tell them "for you to desire to know who i am through all of my phases in life".

Because one thing is clear to me; they love who they think i am, they do not love me because they never desire to get to know me enough to love ME. it's like they genuinely don't care to check in, to ask if I need help anywhere since I said I would around this time, to even just ask me randomly how I've been doing. It's heartbreaking that they don't care to reach out to me ever. I just want to talk to them without having to call myself each time

If they ever wonder why I don't call them, hell, they don't call me, where would I have learned to do so from?

nyx-sky

Dude if you lead me into temptation instead of delivering me from evil i fucking swear bro

paper-wounds

Oh yeah bud, I got the yapper trait from adhd and autism on my mom's side, and the socially crippled by that good ol anxiety autism and adhd mix trait on my dad's side

That one sure is a silly conundrum that's hard to love about myself.

Two days for rest, five days for work, two days for rest, five days for work, two days for rest, five days for work, two days for rest

7 days for work. I feel there even being a societally pushed norm of there being the 5 to 2, is part of why I feel I'm going insane for always having 7 days of work.

I need to bring up never processing my mother's fast back health decline with a therapist. It's why I have such bad issues with hearing babes mom in pain when she's exerted herself, and about all of why it's basically impossible for me to help her do exerting work.

I hear her groan from pain and it makes me feel so uncomfortable. It puts me in an emotional flashback, I feel a sense of secondhand embarrassment immediately followed with immense shame for feeling that way about a verbal cry out of pain. I feel an urgency to help, yet feel stuck in crippling fear of being blamed for the pain, or in some way fully and soley responsible for not helping sooner, for not helping at all. It doesnt help that his mom has immense toxic pride and is a hoarder, she simply can't ask for help because it would bring out even more things similar to my mom; she avoids them so she isn't that way I assume, and bc I know it's hard. But she would never blame me for her pain. But I feel to blame because I never properly weighed my place in that period of time with my own mother. I don't know if my depression and severe ptsd making me hide in my room DID in fact contribute heavier to her pain than her inability to ask for help normally and with comprehension of my feelings so I could assist her without fear. I never just sucked it up and tried to help, but she never just asked me for help with full intention and follow through for said help. Even making key lime pie ice cream with her, the one thing I remember actually thinking positively about and being vulnerable with, was a horror movie for my emotions. Idk if she was even that bad, but the air of "you're 17 you know how to never fuck up while baking" made it impossible to have fun. Felt like her teaching me to drive all over again. "rED LIGHT!!!! Step on the gas!!!!! Why did you break so early??????' Like dude this is my FIRST TIME DOING THIS!!!! IDK I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS EARLY!!!! ALSO HOW DO YOU HATE HOW I ALWAYS BREAK EARLY, BUT WHEN I DID FINALLY BREAK IN GOOD TIME YOU TREATED ME LIKE DAD AND YELLED FOR ME TO HIT THE BREAKS???? IM NOT STUPID I WENT SLOW THEN BUILT CONFIDENCE?????? no acknowledgement of that tho, never said she was proud of me for being a safe driver like I clearly was and am still now.

Idk. I've had a lotttttttt of emotional flashbacks and a lot of feelings of missing my family lately. I don't know why I'm mainly missing my mom too lately. Since mother's day I've felt a pull to cry in her arms. I can't. I wish I could. I wish I could allow myself to do that. I need my mama, I wish she could be the mama I needed then, so I know it'll make me a whole different type of mad if she held me and let me cry now. I never got to just cry. When she came in my room and I was depressed or having flashbacks, she never just held me. She prodded, and when I said I was feeling big things, she said I couldn't feel that because she knew others worse, so I had it easy ergo had no issue I guess. So I stopped telling her after I finally got therapy. No point to opening up. I only did when she ripped it out of me. I still remember her throwing her arm across my altar table after I screamed that I wanted to kill myself. I don't know why she did that still. She even told me she didn't know why she did it. She helped me clean it up.

I should be happy now that were in our own home. Why am I so sad. Why does my mind have to make me so sad. Why was she so. Emotionally fucked up to me. To make me sad about having no parental figure on my home. I've dreamed about this. Dreamed for over 10 years about this.

How in the fuck am I supposed to quit nicotine when he has to work on this trailer for his dad to move into and abandon us to every fucking day? When my life feels like it's falling apart. When I want to die already when I hit it, without it I feel like im fucking actively dying.

I took it out of the trash. babe is gonna be really upset with me but I cannot handle this anymore. I just want to quit it already. But I feel like no one is understanding just how much help I need to quit. I want to go to rehab to quit but I can't afford rehab. I also can't smoke weed in rehab and that's the only thing that's helping me cope without.

I just need his dad to give him 6 days. 6 days off. 6 days that we can find work for MONEY in. I can work through withdrawals if I know we'll have bud, but we'll be out in 2 days.

I hate myself so much. I really just want to die i can't do this shit anymore I really can't. He can't quit without me quitting and I want to quit for me too, not just him. But his dad will not understand how badly I need my baby home with me.

Ah yes, I love continuing a conversation just to feel like I derailed it for no reason other than my own insecurities in friendship and no immediate replies. My brain definitely is not broken

Babe has a sinus infection, his dad has been staying in the house for a month. His mom has been to the doctor twice. I have to drink a whole bottle of water to breathe each morning. His brother is getting nosebleeds from hell.

And I can't dust the house to stop it. People are always home. They'll get sicker if I dust around them before they get better. I've been stuck like this for 3 weeks now. I don't know what to do. We're just gonna get sicker until we clean the dust

Wow. I don't consider you a friend anymore. Can't even tell me no, or confirm or deny I'm annoying you by asking. Just left on READ. That isn't being a friend to me. Now I'm left to assume you really dislike me, if you think of me so little to leave me on read asking for help. Fuck you for hurting my heart

financialfreedomforever

me, walking around looking at Friends house for the last time, talking to friends gf: "man, imma miss this house so much, and everyone, one week isn't enough"

Her: "I'll live"

Damn, you prolly don't know how much you set in stone that we will never be close at all. Imagine everyone crying here in a few, all hugging eachother, even people's partners who don't know everyone that well is feeling the feels, and you just don't care? Don't feel anything? You really did only come on this trip because you didn't wanna be without your partner huh? That's really fucked, gonna be with him for 18 years and you haven't bonded any with anyone over these 10 days? Don't care to evidently? Crazy

Please don't come on the next one, no one else's girl is like that and you muddled the vibes not caring to care about anyone but you dude. I really hope you can reflect. Even cooking, you only did because you like to cook huh?

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