I think of my life as all a big mystery. I just wanna know if I'm successful in the future. It's been a rough time lately dealing with school and picking out classes, to thinking of the future, to your friends/co-workers hating you and still here being single af because you can't charm a girl into liking you. Classes picked out and paid for, all that's left are finals. Then coworkers hating me because I was being a bit too blunt with them. I don't care what people do with their lives, if they do what makes them happy then let them do what makes them happy. But I can state my own opinion about things all I want. For example, I have a coworker, we'll call her J, has an ex BF who is crazy as hell and they've been dating for three years. Long time yes, but if the relationship is bad, you leave and don't question it every time you get back together. My coworker D, likes her and wonders if he should go for her, and I told him she keeps going back to her ex and she's fake and crazy for that because she is, she knows she's playing D when she knows he likes her, but continues to talk to her ex, and like I said, I just stated my opinion of honesty and told him they wouldn't end up together in the long run, but said hey you never know, anything can happen and I could be proven wrong, but what I saw was if he really liked her, go for it, idc, all I knew was it wasn't gonna last, if he wanted to fuck, then fuck. But again, someone told J I said she was crazy which is kinda true right now, but you can't get mad at me for putting out my own statement, it's not like I hate you, I was being honest. It's not like you or anyone has never talked shit about me? But my point being is that this is all dumb. I don't care if J hates me, even if M hates me. I just don't want them to think that if I tell them to do something at work that they think I'm overusing my power or picking on them because it's not like that, but they'll make it seem like that because I know how they all act, I was in that little circle of gossip, I know how they treat others. But again, do I care? No. They can hate me all they want, they're still cool to me but it's w/e, fuck it. Then there goes my sorry story of a love life. I want a relationship, but the more I think about it, I feel like I can't compare to the ex and that I might just be a sad excuse for a BF. What if she's not down for me really? Idk. That's why I keep telling myself and (slowly hinting at some girls) that I'm young and just trying to have fun. Basically getting laid by some of my coworkers or girls I'm "trying" to talk to. I like this girl initialed M.C. But she seems really smart and not intimidating but just super mature or me while I kinda want a girl with a bit of a kid side. She's beautiful though. Hopefully we're to go ice skating tomorrow but we'll see. I just wish I had someone special in my life. It'd make living just a little more worth it because I hint to everyone that I don't mind dying right now this very second because I really don't. I sometimes wish someone would kill me, or is get in an awful accident (that's not my fault) haha but idk, I'm just scared for my future. I feel that (almost) dying would prove to me who actually cares about me. I know I haven't made a big impact to a lot of people, but I try to make little ones like paying for lots of things. I don't have a lot in my bank account, and my mom always asks me where my money goes but I don't tell her anything. Like tonight I wanted to pay for a girls meal after work eating pho, but she wouldn't let. She was cute, but she's 17 so a little too young haha, but I like to pay for people just so in that moment they'll think "man this guys kinda sweet" because let's be real, I don't have the biggest self confident, but I always like to just buy things for people and feel a little big and rich even though I die a little on the inside haha. There's just something about paying for a girls meal, even if it's not a date, that just feels like they'll like you a little more in that time for that split second, maybe even consider giving you a chance. Idk, I overthink my chances with girls a lot. Not even gonna lie, sometimes I even hope they'd give me a little extra, or let me give them a little extra if you know what I mean¿ But I'm still looking for that one special someone. Still waiting for a miracle or for me to end up in a hospital. I'm tired. Help me. Someone love me, be my friend. Work isn't exhausting, but people not liking me isn't bothering me because I could care less, I was doing good before I met them, and I can do just fine again without them, but the awkwardness of having them there just makes me idk, it's just weird because we all know there's tension. I just wish people had the same mindset like me sometimes and not give a fuck. It makes life a little easier because you don't care as much. But w/e, they'll know they're wrong and apologize sooner or later, and if kit, they're gonna have to talk to me soon because I'm only talked to when they need a favor. But that's how life is, there are those people that talk to you only because they want a favor. I'm just trying to live and love one day at a time. If I die I just wanna be remembered as the one guy who was nice, sweet, paid for things when he didn't and shouldn't have to, and just a sweetheart overall who told bad jokes all the time.
