1 June 2017 | Thursday Touched down in Singapore at 2.05pm yesterday. That ended my 2 weeks (14-30 May) long grad trip in Europe. Was it a long trip? I suppose so, because I felt terrily empty when I reached home. It was a good thing my mum took leave to fetch me, because I would feel even emptier if I arrived to an empty home. Anyway, this hollowness that has grown within me since March started swelling again. Perhaps because of my looming fate and the anxiety of finding not only a job, but one that pays and I can bare. Not easy, especially with my resume. I guess the grad trip hasn't changed me at all, only gave me space to breathe and push my troubles to the side. So yesterday night, once again, I find myself crying to sleep. I was sad, alone, scared and empty. Being alone does this to you. It makes you think about all your insecurities and turn you into a huge, ugly monster which you're not. You're not. For the past two weeks, I've been sleeping beside RJ. It felt good. I loved sharing a bed with someone, with him. Although he always slept later than me because he was using his phone (while I waited for him to sleep so that we can cuddle but gave in to sleep eventually), he would hug me and kiss me before he slept. That woke me up, and well, a sleepy me is not a happy me. I would be angry and grumble and push him away. But now, I miss this. I miss those moments, no matter how annoying they are to me. Its funny, because he's in sg, with me, and yet I feel so far away from him. Am I too attached? Of course, I missed my own bed. But at the same time, it felt different waking up to an empty house. Without my friends in the living room eating breakfast, or in th ekitchen washing up. It felt different waking up alone with no warm body to cuddle and kiss. It felt, different. I feel all alone. All alone in facing this world. All alone in fighting my battles. I feel like I can't do it. The trip itself was not without ups and downs. We went to Paris, Salzburg, Hallstatt, Pula, Venice, and Nice. I expected the Woody Allen vibe in Paris, but was greeted with disappointment. People smoke too much, really too much. The Eiffel tower did not elicit the kind of feeling I was hoping to have. I did not feel any swell of romantic yearnings. Nothing. It was just there. This manmade tower. Of course, the streets are interesting for me. As my first time stepping foot in Europe, I was surprised to see restaurant seats facing the streets, and pets being allowed to most establishments. It was eye opening. My favourite place was Obertraun, the location of our accomodation, which was opposite Hallstatt. It was a small, quaint town with green grass, colorful flowers, quaint Austrain houses couples with snowy mountains and blue skies. The perfect Windows wallpaper. I could not believe such a place really existed. Like people live in these places?! I loved it so much. Although bk told me that those flowers are mostly weeds, I loved them. It was quiet, healing, and just plain beautiful. I'm not sure how else I can stress it. We also saw horses, sheeps, chickens, ducks, swans, and cats around. It was the first time I got so close to a swan, and I swear, they are scary. They look graceful, yes, but the sound they make? Not pleasant. Anyway, I was sad to leave. We went back to Salzburg, which was one of the top four cities in Austria. Pretty, but not as pretty as Hallstatt, of course. It was also the city which we travelled to Werfen and climbed the mountain which I almost died from. Anyway, back at Salzburg, I split from the group for a few hours to go shopping at C&A for my sister. We walked to Mozart's square after that to sit for a while, before realizing that everywhere else is closed at 6. The sky still bright, we slowly made our way along the riverbanks. It was tiring, hot and we fought along the way because of toilets?, but looking back, it was relaxing to just walk around aimlessly with him. So that day, we didn't book an accomodation but camped at the train and bus station till late to catch the 3am bus to Pula. Pula was, disappointing compared to Austria. We reached there around 12pm, close to 1. After having lunch, we walked around the city. Mainly the arena. And then there was nothing left to do. It was definitely a good idea suggested by rj beforehand to go Venice. So the next day, the four of us (rj, ys, joie and me), woke at 4am, took a bus to Rovinj, and from there, took the Venezialines ferry to Venice. The whole trip took us around 5 hours, but it was worth it because the ferry company was really nice and offered a free tour of St Marc's Square and even had good deals for the gondola and water taxi rides for us. We chose the water taxi ride, which cost around 28 euros. Venice was pretty, with little alleyways and canals cutting through everywhere. Too many tourists though. The guided tour was also very informative, because otherwise we wouldn't know anything about the history and would've just blindly taken photos. It was the city where lions fly and pidgeons walked. Sadly, we had to leave at 5pm. So at around 4.15pm, we met the tour groups to take the water taxi back to where the ferry was parked. Fortunately, we managed to sit right at the back, where we could take really nice photos. Back from Venice, the next day was spent in Pula again, where we walked around old town and went to the beach. What surprised me was that European beaches were made of stones instead of sand. I saw this in Nice too. Our last destination also had the most wonderful accomodation. We were greeted to a big house with every kind of furniture and utensils possible. The owner gave us a free bottle of rose wine and a tub of Vanilla ice cream. Nice was near Monaco, but we did not visit it during our trip. Nice was very relaxing, and in my opinion, better than Paris. The first day was spent exploring the city, its cathedrals, old town, and the fortress. The second day, we went further to see an archeological museum and a cathedral in the park. While the cathedral was okay, the small garden beside it amazed me. It was home to many roses and other flowers. I've never seen roses grown from the soil before, so it was something new for me. I picked up some fallen petals to bring home as a souvenir. While Nice was also tourist oriented, the beach made up for almost everything. On the second day, which was also a Sunday, we finished exploring and made it back to the city center in noon. There wasn't any restaurants open, so we made do with KFC. In the afternoon, bk, fiona, rj and me decided to chill at the beach while joie and ys went to Longchamp. It was something I want to do, because firstly I really love beaches, and secondly, Nice is known for their beach, so why not chill there and experience the seaside life? The stones were hard to walk on barefooted though. The water was cold at first, but we slowly adjusted to the temperatures. But we mostly spent our time on the shore, suntanning. It was my first time suntanning as well (because who does that in Sentosa?), and I felt really relaxed and comfortable in my own body. It was nice having him beside me too. We stayed for 2 hours or so, before going back to cook carbonara. A huge part of the trip was memorable to me because he was there. He was there to carry my luggage up the stairs, push them for me when my handle broke, carried water when I was too lazy to do so, carried my bag when I was dying climbing up the mountain, made me laugh when I was upset, shared food with me, and so so so much more. I cannot imagine how this trip will be if he wasn't there for me. I love him, so so much. I wish he knows. Thinking about him now makes me sad again, because I'm here, on my bed alone, typing this, when just the day before, he would be beside me in bed, kissing me good night. I miss that. I miss Europe, I miss travelling, I miss my friends, and I miss him. I hope my life here in Singapore will turn out fine. I really really hope I can find a job soon. And I hope I will be braver.
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