This is a Story... @tobyspaced - Tumblr Blog

This is a story about loss.

CW: Loss of loved ones.

To preface... In December, 5 months ago now, my best friend passed away. On May 3, my stepdad, who has been my only father figure for 35 of my 40 years on earth passed away.

I don't know what to do... I feel stuck. How am I supposed to move on from losing my best friend? I mean, I kept going through the motions after she died. I kept going to work, I kept my Girl Scout troop going... I just kept going. I cried, and still cry, a lot over her death, but I kept going. My stepdad died and I feel like my whole world stopped.

The idea of going back to work feels overwhelming. I missed two appointments for my kid yesterday. I haven't had Girl Scouts in a month and a half and the last meeting I just completely forgot about.

I have PTSD. I already had PTSD but it feels like more just gets added and now I'm to the point where I can barely function as a human being. Between that and the thoughts of death rapid firing in my brain constantly I just don't know how to exist. Every moment I worry about losing someone else. I'm constantly just waiting for the next round of bullshit that's around the corner.

How do I go back to being a functioning human? Or at least as functioning as I was - because let's face it, my version of functioning is very broken.

#this is a story #ptsd #loss of a parent #loss of a loved one

Sad...

I went from feeling like I had a million best friends to barely feeling like I have friends at all.

It's been a while...

7 years ago I last posted. That post started, "It’s been three years since I’ve last posted... and oh how things have changed..." The same could definitely be said now.

My biggest change is that I've transitioned - so hello, my name is Tobias (Toby)!!! It's been over two years since I first came out, starting my journey agender and later coming out as a trans man. It's been an interesting journey, and one that is its own story.

I wanted to write in this blog again because sometimes I just want to write about things. Important things, things I'm passionate about, silly things... I just want a space for them. I can post on FB or X (ugh... I hate it) but sometimes it's not enough to write a post that feels limited by characters or the audience. I realize that anyone could read here, but it's different.

Quick updates:

My kid is almost 8. It's absolutely wild to me, and she's growing up too fast. She's smart and kind and funny. She got accepted into the gifted program at school next year and I'm just really excited to see what the future brings.

I have an awesome partner that I've been dating for a year, and she lives with me and the kiddo. We met through Twitter (when it was still called that) and Twitch.

I collect jumping spiders? They bring me a lot of joy and it's fun taking care of them. I won't post pictures of them, but they do have their own instagram called TobySpacedSpoods!

There's so much more, I'm sure, but my stories will be told in time. For now, it's just good to write again.

#this is a story

This is a story about changes.

It’s been three years since I’ve last posted... and oh how things have changed...

Where to start, I don’t really know. I’m now separated from my husband, though he remains one of my closest friends. The details aren’t important to write about, but it is a significant change in my life worthy of mention. Sometimes things just don’t work out how we planned, as unfortunate as it is. I feel so lucky to still have him as a friend and I will continue to be grateful for his presence in my life.

The biggest news is that I’m a mom. My daughter will be a month old tomorrow and I still can’t believe that the universe has blessed me with such a perfect tiny person. The last few years I had decided that I didn’t really want kids (and since I had tried before to have kids, I didn’t think I COULD have children). Becoming pregnant was both terrifying and exciting. My pregnancy was difficult. I had to take two months off because I was so sick, and it came with other struggles as well. While I never want to go through the process again, I am so thankful for the little girl that is now the center of my universe. I wouldn’t change it for anything. She was the result of a short lived relationship, and while I wish things had turned out differently, I will give her all the love she deserves - and she deserves so much of it. She is absolutely perfect, even when she keeps me up until 7am.

So, those are the biggest changes that have happened in my life. I would like to start blogging again and am debating whether to continue what I have started here or to start over, either on tumblr or some other platform. My focus would be on being a mom, but also combined with the struggle of being a parent with BPD / PTSD. I think it’s important to continue my journey in sharing my story with those who wish to hear it. This blog has been not only a wonderful outlet, but a place where I have met some great friends and helped some amazing people through their own struggles.

Ultimately, I will make the decision on this after I spend some time thinking about my options, but I would love to hear opinions. <3

#this is a story #new mom

kaemakis-deactivated20161203

reblog if you are BISEXUAL, SUPPORT BISEXUAL PEOPLE, or REALLY HATE DONALD TRUMP

disabilityhealth

You don’t have to be tough every second of every day to be a badass. The fact that you keep going makes you one.

I said this to a friend... I need to remember as well. "I want to sleep all day too. I've... I've barely gotten out of bed. Or I've been sitting at my PC wondering when life will get less miserable. The world is shitty. People are shitty. But there are good things, beautiful things.... There are good people. Don't forget that. You will find those things. You just have to fight for it, because I promise you if you let yourself drown in misery happiness could be right in front if you and you won't even be able to see it."

#bpd #misery #hope

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ishipitlikeups

Amazing

not-a-comedian

annetsocial

laurna

victoryandjustice

conventionalvampire

WHAT’S HAPPENING

castielisabee-blog

Guys, I desperately need your help. My 12 year old terrier was fed rat poisoning by someone and is dying.

They gave her a lot of meds at the vet, but that only gives her a survival rate of 50%. If she receives a blood transfusion, it will go up to 90% survival. Please, we need your help. She is my baby, if I didn’t have her to watch supernatural with anymore Id be heartbroken.

Even if you can’t donate, please reblog/share. I need my baby to be okay. I don’t want the asshole who did this to come out victorious.

gofundme page: gofundme.com/h2dom8

It seems I have a couple messages in my inbox to get to - but I just wanted to say that I love you all. I have been doing well. Working my ass off on my business, designing jewelry like crazy, and trying to keep my anxiety under control.

I'm having a me week this week because I've just been so overwhelmed lately. I need time to isolate and gain back my energy and get my house back in order. I've let things pile up so much because I didn't know where to start.

But it's been such a productive week so far, so hopefully when I get out of my me week I'll be energized and feeling content with all aspects of life.

I'm gonna try to get to my inbox tonight, but I make no promises. Lots on the agenda. BUT I will get to it this week. :) <3

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tobyspaced

1.) I don't really have a nickname that friends call me. But my family sometimes calls me Missy or Missy Annie and a very very small number of people call me Crys.

2.) Brown

3.) Dark Brown with some random strands of gray thrown in for funsies.

4.) People tell me how strong I am and how much they admire me openly talking about my illness, and in reality I just feel like a timid little girl. I'm always waiting for someone to say something negative. It puts me on edge, but I HAVE to be open, I HAVE to let people know that they're not alone and that there is help. I feel that I have to give back to the world even if it means dealing with a lot of extra stigma and negative opinions.

5.) I like bright pink and purple the best, but I'm also fond of teal.

6.) My favorite place is home with my hubby and furbabies, but my favorite vacation destination is Virginia Beach.

7.) Miley Cyrus. Tyler Labine. Adrian Brody. And I follow Amanda Bynes, but that's just some twisted obsession. I want to see her get better and succeed.

8.) I love all animals, but cats are probably my fav. I like wolves a lot too.

9.) Oh this is ever changing. Right now probably Mary Lambert - Secrets.

10.) The Buddha and the Borderline. The Mermaid Chair. The Virgin Suicides. Lovely Bones. The Bean Trees. The Secret Life of Bees.

Not tagging people, but there you have it. :)

#monster8706