Natural 20 FTW!

I'm the guy with the locker next to the leaking bathroom. Tod Bowen

[tod-bowen]

OOC Notice

Whelp, forgot to do this, sorry. I’ll be very scarce for a while, probably until around the 22nd. I’ll try to keep up with everything, and hopefully be around for some very light dashing but I can’t make any promises. Stay cool, kids!

[tod-bowen]

harper-biancardi:

[pm] Tod, I love you, but you’re not touching my notes. I need those. Without those notes, I am nothing. Nothing. 

Wow, for a warning against Estela that was really heartfelt, and now I think I’m crying in a good mushy way. 

Call me a blood donor because sure, why the heck not. Thank god for sweater season, makes all these blood rituals much easer to hide. 

Well, Nigel would know bes

Be careful on your way inside. Bastian is making some giant thorn and poison ivy gate thing. God damn, this is just like Sleeping Beauty. I’m on the verge of passing out, so prophecy might be fulfilled soon. We’ll talk more about what I think you’re suggesting when you get here, ok?

[pm] Don’t say that, the notes don’t own you, you own the notes. And you have to let me see them. I won’t touch them or burn them if you really don’t want me to but I need to know what’s on it exactly. You’re not hiding stuff from me in those notes, right? I’m sick of people hiding stuff from me.

Stop crying right now. Water is important, and it’s filled with bacteria that are probably reproducing so you can’t risk dehydration now. I know Alana’s getting lots of bottled water, but we need to ration it.

I only need a drop, you can even just prick your finger and go full Sleeping Beauty. Except maybe not because what if it happens for real?! Or what if you bleed too much and then we need an actual blood donor? What’s your blood type? You know what? Let’s hold off on the blood for now, better not take any risks. You’ve been sleeping a lot already and while I’m trying to play it cool I am kinda concerned about that. I mean, maybe it’s not as bad as poison or skunk gods but you need to put that on your list, too, okay? Good.

Yes, good idea, this is in person talk. That way we know no one’s going to hack our computers and read this.

[tod-bowen]

csi-kavanagh:

[pm] I’ll alert the Sheriff. In the meantime, try not to draw any attention to yourself. Oh, um, I just meant that drinking water is artificially chlorinated to kill bacteria. It doesn’t get everything, but it’s necessary. And it’s 60%. For men, at least. Women have more fat deposits, so it’s more like 55% for us. Not that water isn’t important! It’s vitally important. Remember the roots? Of course you remember the roots that was a dumb ques That’s what someone with no water in their body looks like. Not yet. But I will. I have a list of possible poisons and I’m narrowing them down.

[pm] But I already asked Harp to dye my hair purple, and I can’t go back on that or she’ll think I don’t keep my word! Purple hair will draw a lot of attenti Yeah, keep a low profile. Gotcha. Good thing I’m out of town.

Kill the bacteria, that’s good. It’s good, right? But what about the surviving bacteria? Holy crap, what if they start reproducing faster than we can kill them? It’d kill us from the inside out! Of course I remember the roots. Do you think they’re coming back? That’s what they want! They want to bring the tree back! I knew it!

You need to work faster! People might die. And maybe get someone to help. Preferably someone who knows about the supernatural because what if it’s a magical poison? You would deny its very existence and you’d doom us all! Holy crap, we’re really doo Uhm, like, remember when you and Harper met that wrai creature and you got hurt? Harper said you’d need a wit Someone helped you with that, right? And, like, if they knew about wr rare creatures like that maybe they know about supe rare poisons, too.

[tod-bowen]

andnobite:

[pm] Tod, the skunks don’t want you. They’re more afraid of you than you are of them. It’s a known fact. 

Because I do. How does someone even prove that they have a soul? I mean, you said you were dead and then I messaged you. If I didn’t have a soul, I wouldn’t have cared. But I DO!

[pm] Skunk god, Ana. As in, not a regular skunk but a giant skunk capable of making you stink forever if you don’t know the ritual to get rid of the smell. And that’s while its powers were still dormant, who knows what it could do now! It’s a creature that knows no fear. Or maybe it feeds on fear. Maybe that’s why it’s got it out for me.

That’s a valid point. Or you could be faking it. People lie, Ana, they all lie. Well, not all of them, and you never seemed like a liar, but you can’t blame me for being careful! Like, souls are what keeps vampires in check, right? Do you have any idea what a soulless vampire could do? 

[tod-bowen]

csi-kavanagh:

[pm] Hazing is illegal, and 44 states have additional anti-hazing laws. This is a serious matter. You said Kappa Kappa Gamma, correct? Which school is this? I’ve checked the water, and it’s normal. Or as normal as drinking water can be, anyways. Wait, are you– Tod, were you poisoned? You’re talking about mayonnaise the same way Alana and Nate were, and your friend Mike sounded a lot like y

[pm] UMAC. And I think the dean knows about it. You should totally have someone check it out, I’m just saying. Wow, I feel like this is the part where I wiggle my finger and whisper ‘Dance, my puppets, dance’ as I watch my enemies fight each other. Naive my butt, look at me outsmarting them all, who’s the kid no

I’m talking about mayonnaise the way any sane person would! Wait, ‘as normal as drinking water can be’... What are you implying? Is the water safe or not? I need to know, Regan! I mean, I don’t, because I’m not there, but if I were I’d need to know. Water is important to me! And, uhm, everyone else. 70% made of water and all that. And no, I don’t think I’ve been poisoned, I’ve been wicked careful recently. And very much out of town. Holy crap, I’ve been poisoned. I’m gonna die. This is like you screaming at me, all over again, I’m sick of knowing I’m going to die, it’s not fair, I’m not a bad kid, I have the right to die without knowi So, uhm... You don’t know anything about this poison?

[tod-bowen]

csi-kavanagh:

[pm] Are you being hazed, Tod? There’s been some sort of mass poisoning, with people becoming paranoid and talking about mayonnaise. I’m running tox screen after tox screen, but not finding anything. It’s… probably a good thing you’re out of town right now. Things aren’t safe here.

[pm] You don’t sound like a skunk worshipper, and you’re not even asking where I am exa Maybe you’re not actua Now that I think about it, you are the last person who’d ever join a cult, you’re way too scie I guess that’s one way of putting it. But it’s okay, I can deal with it. You know, after high school and all the stuff that happened this summer I’m a tough cookie.

Mass poisoning. Wow. Okay, have you, uhm, checked the water? That’s how people always start stuff like that in the movies. Is the water safe? It feels safe to me, but they might have messed with my waterbending sens Also, have you checked the mayonnaise yet? Check the mayonnaise ASAP. It’s obviously evil, why else would everyone be talking about it? It’s not paranoia if it’s true.

[tod-bowen]

andnobite:

[pm] Oh, Tod. 

Tod, you’re perfectly safe, okay? I’m not–no, I still have my soul. Don’t worry! Who’s trying to sacrifice you? What did you eat?

[pm] A skunk cult. Their skunk god has never forgiven me for getting away from it a few months ago.

Wait, how do I know you still have your soul? Do you have any proof?

[tod-bowen]

coverthekeyholes:

See?

I’m pretty sure this is something only the real Tod, and no operator, would know.

At least from what I’ve seen of your rants on my dashboard

Dude, anyone who’s seen/read The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy would know that. That is hardly proof.

But, uhm, the real Tod is not in fact dead. Yet. And he’s deeply sorry if he made you worry. He’s also aware that his freaking conscience will probably get him kille

[tod-bowen]

csi-kavanagh:

[pm] You sound a lot like That’s probably why you’re in a group togeth You have to do that. Scaring others into think you’re dead is a serious matter. I don’t care what rules your game has; you’re playing with the feelings of people who care about him, and potentially wasting police resources while everyone’s hands are full dealing with this paranoia. Will you tell him this?

[Mike pm] Ugh, fine, I will forward this to him. [Message forwarded to tod-bowen. User has logged off. tod-bowen has logged in]

[pm] I’m sorry. Please don’t arrest me. Or sacrifice me to your skunk go I will stop this. It’s pointless now, you and your cult know the tru It’s just that, well, you know how fraternities are, right? Like, they’re hardcore. But, uhm, I’ve seen the error of my ways and I won’t join one. I will also apologize.

Wait, what paranoia? Is that your plan? Spread fear so everyone’s too panicked to function? That’s wicked smart. And evil. And very Nolan-esque of you, I wasn’t expecting this from the poli Are things rough in the Creek? Because, well, I am out of town so I have no idea what’s going on there, and it’d be nice to know your pla what’s happening.

[tod-bowen]

openbook-izel replied to your post:[pm] [d: Not to rain on your parade or anything-]...

[pm] But not awful enough to stop I know this isn’t your fault but Every time I see you say you’re dead I feel sick  I- I’m really sorry, I hope someone solves this soon [nothing sent]

[Nothing received]

[tod-bowen]

csi-kavanagh:

[pm] Tod’s joining a fraternity? Oh… um, I guess that makes sense. I can play along. But you need to make it clearer that this is all part of a game; you can’t just go around saying that someone died.

[Mike pm] We can’t do that! Frat rules. Tao Omega Delt wait, no, that’s way too obviou Kappa Kappa Gamma doesn’t kid around, they’re wicked intense. Have you heard of how they started a fight a couple of days ago? Kappa Kappa Gamma are probably in cahoots with the skunk cult, I should get more inf Did anyone report anything more specific about that accident, by the way? Like, I dunno, people disappearing or stuff like that?

Uhm, in any case, if someone asks and is really worried about Tod I’m here to let them know what’s going on. Like, Tod is a sensitive guy, he wouldn’t just let his friends think he’s dead. That’s also illegal, I bet. Is it illegal? Holy crap, am I going to jai

[tod-bowen]

[pm] [d: Not to rain on your parade or anything-] [d: Actually, yes,raining on your parade-] [d: Do you have /any/ idea how insensitive you're being] Pretending to be dead isn't funny, Tod.

[pm] Should I trust you? If I don’t trust you I won’t be able to get more books, and without books I won’t be able to learn necromancy and bring Clive back an I guess I have no choice. By the old gods and the new, please don’t be one of them.

I know it’s not, and I feel awful about it, but it’s the only way I can stay alive. Evil forces are after me and the people I love and I need to protect them and myself. It was a stupid plan and I regret it, but now I’m in too deep to stop, which sucks because it’s not even working. What was I even thinking? No way I can fool the cops, they know too much.

[tod-bowen]

coverthekeyholes:

….

What the is the answer to life the universe, and everything?

42.

[tod-bowen]

csi-kavanagh:

[pm] Wh Um, hi Mike. Tod doesn’t like dead bodies; he would never become a medical examiner. Not that anyone likes dead bodies, but he was– well, that’s not important. I don’t know where you got your information, but Tod can’t be dead. I would have investigated the scene, given him an autopsy, and signed his death certificate. Unless there’s no scene and no body. He isn’t missing, is he? Cr A good… vessel? Resurrected? Are you one of Tod’s, um… I forget what he called it– are you in his game group?

[Mike pm] Wow, you remembered that I don’t like dead bo You studied me, haven’t you? I bet you have freaking notes on m Dammit, I should have thought this whole ‘dead’ thing through, how can I fool yo Yes. I’m in his gaming group. This is an rp experiment, actually. Intense LARPing. He told you what LARPing is, right? He’s not actually dead, but he’s gone out of town for a while and we’re pretending he’s dead. Not only is it a test for this new incredible rp system, it’s also one of his fraternity pledge tasks and a social experiment he has to do for one of his new classes. You know, to see how people would react to his disappearance. Kind of a less cool version of It’s a Wonderful Life.

So, uhm, please play along. It’s important to him. And he’s out of town anyway so looking for him won’t work.

[tod-bowen]

coverthekeyholes replied to your post:Why did the chicken cross the road?

That’s amazingly flexible, as automated messages go. Are you okay?

Who are you? Why do you ask? What’s in it for you?

This is an automated message. The user you are trying to reach is dead. After repeated attempts to contact this user our servers have decided to put you in contact with one of our operators.

[A pause]

Hello, I am one of the site’s operators! I do not know this user personally, but seeing how he’s dead I sincerely doubt he is okay. But, on the bright side, it probably also means he isn’t not okay. Silver lining, amirite?

[tod-bowen]

csi-kavanagh replied to your post:Why did the chicken cross the road?

What!? Tod, answer this immediately!

I knew it! Came to brag about your victory, huh? Well, joke’s on you, I’m not dea

The automated message is not going to be enough for you, I know how relentless you can be, like a dog with a bone, except Krypto was never as stubborn as yo

[User logged in with a different account]

[Mike pm] Uhm, Hello Miss Kavanagh. I only know that you are Ms. Kavanagh because it’s on your blog. Tod always spoke of you fondly. Very fondly. Like, he really admired you a lot, he said you made him want to become a medical examiner himself. That’s how much he loved you. But not loved you in a creepy underage way, because that would be illegal.

Anyway, I’m one of his friends. My name is Mike. I really don’t know how to say this, but the automated message is right: Tod died. He was brutally killed by a cult. Maybe you’ll see him again soon, you work with bodies, right? Like, you look into the cause of death and stuff like that. Speaking of, how fresh are the bodies you usually see? If you were to be resurrected would you say they’d make a good new vessel? Clive might need on

[tod-bowen]

andnobite replied to your post:It knows where you live.

[pm] Tod???

[pm] Should I trust you? You tried to eat me once. But then you stopped. And you’ve always been wicked nice. I guess it’s okay if I tell you just a little.

I’m not actually dead, don’t worry. But I have to hide, people are trying to sacrifice me to their Lovecraftian god, steal my friends and destroy the world, and this time I don’t think even offering up your soul would help. Do not sacrifice your soul, that would be stupid and would make you evil and the last thing we need is for them to get another ally. Holy crap, you do still have your soul, right?!