東京男

Formerly known as shima-otoko//Queer Latino-American Expat living in Central Tokyo. Second-year JET. This is an exercise in documentation, therapeutic writing, and sharing information. All photography is my own unless otherwise stated.

[cloudclad]

Visit Original Link

It’s a mark I’ve taken heart and I know I will carry it with me for a long, long time.

[tokyo-otoko]

Hello, follower. If you’re still reading this far down the line, thank you for sticking around. It’s been a while- almost six months- and it’s been a really overwhelming time. A lot has happened in my life this year so far, more than I could ever explain in a single blog post. But, just for self-expression, I’ll clue you all in just a little. I don’t think I can truly emphasize exactly how hard this year has been for me. There’s been a lot of emotional ups and downs; a lot of financial problems, a lot of terribly unnecessary shit the universe threw at me probably to teach me a lesson or something. Of all the terrible shit that’s happened to me since February, the cake definitely goes to getting my wallet stolen during Pride weekend, getting food poisoning two weeks later and landing in the hospital. Of course, this doesn’t include the truth of the matter: I haven’t been very happy living in this country for... a while now. I had my doubts back in October, but then November rolled around and with it came the Election and all the bad shit that came with that. It’s a complicated, delicate and sensitive thing- but after much consideration, much frustration, and a lot of alone time, I’ve finally decided to leave.

I’ll be flying out of Tokyo in about two weeks.

Truth be told, I wanted to stay. A big part of me desperately wanted to stay- for the comfort and convenience, the food, the cultural enrichment. The beautiful, amazing people I’ve met and become so close to out here. Not to mention the fact that America is a pile of burning trash right now. I even interviewed with a couple companies, possible jobs that would have allowed me to stay. But each interview I did, each job I applied to, every reference I was able to pull seemed to slowly fizzle into nothing or just not work. And I honestly think that was fate in a way, coming to the rescue- I’m meant to leave when I leave, and the closer I get to the day the more real and ready I feel. I’ve felt stifled and not myself here for a long time, and instead of putting up with it for any longer, I’ve decided to be good to myself for once. I have my issues with living here, as anyone does anywhere... and it just hasn’t been working for me anymore. I don’t even want to get into the shit show that was this past week; but I will say that dealing with the Immigration Bureau in Japan is an incompetent and inefficient hell that should only be reserved for the worst kinds of people. No one should have to go more than once. (I had to go three times.)

I’ve been cycling through a lot of emotions these past two weeks. Both yesterday and today, I started crying on the train while listening to “Reflection” by Christina Aguilera. Truth be told, I’ve been very sad. I’m sad that my days are numbered, that I need to start packing everything up tomorrow because the moving company is coming on Monday. I’m sad that I’m leaving behind some of the most incredible and trustworthy people I’ve ever met. I’m sad I’m leaving behind the food. And the trains. And a lot of other things I can’t really articulate past 4 am. But I’m also truly relieved, and excited to go home. Three years is a long ass time to live anywhere, let alone in a foreign country, let alone in Asia, let alone in Japan. I’ve had an amazing fucking experience here, and I think once I leave and get some distance from this place- then that’s when it’ll all kick me in the chest and I’ll really miss and appreciate it for what it is.

In the midst of all the craziness that has been my life this year, I said fuck it and took a leap. I finally got a tattoo, my first one. I’ll post a better quality picture later, but it’s an Irezumi-style work depicting three cherry blossoms, in full bloom on my inner bicep. It took a little more than two hours, it really fucking hurt, but it’s absolutely beautiful and I’m really pleased with it. The cherry blossoms are one of my favorite things I’ve been lucky to experience here in Japan; and although I never fancied myself as someone who would get flower tattoos, these are special to me. These flowers come blooming for about three weeks each year and then wither away. A lot of people see the impermanence of our existence in these delicate little pinks, and I suppose I do too- but I also see strength, and a beauty that comes out of a struggle. Three weeks- three years- am I a flower yet? xxx

[tokyo-otoko]

I’ve been spending a lot of time in Kamakura these past three months, taking the train down and staying with close friends/artistic mentors whom I’ve affectionately come to call my Art Daddies™. Rather than stay at home alone, I’ve been finding a lot of comfort and joy in leaving Tokyo on the weekends. I would kill to be given the proper opportunity to move out of the goddamn city; don’t get me wrong, I love Tokyo very much, I just don’t love living in it.

I have a couple photography projects I’m working on that, if meant to be, will be getting off the ground by next month. Also, dabbling in performance art has been a fun and rather exciting new endeavor. I staged my Tokyo Closet Ball debut last weekend: a collaboration with Burning Bush (one half of my Art Daddies™), I sang “Froot” and “Video Games,” and then BB sang “Man With The Child In His Eyes.” Postcards from the other side to come sometime soon.

[tokyo-otoko]

Die Schwarze Frau, realized by the wonderful and fiercely talented Yukiro Dravarious. Photographed at the Tokyo Closet Ball, 1/21/17.

[tokyo-otoko]

On a much, much lighter note: I’ve been pretty continuously documenting my life with Polaroid film over the past year. While I don’t think I’m ever going to upload *everything*, only about 1/3 of what I shoot ends up online… I feel like it might be good timing to turn this blog into a #photography #blog.

Last week I photographed the Tokyo Closet Ball, an avant-garde performance art space based in Tokyo. A drag collective consisting of mostly foreign residents, its reminiscent of a DIY-Leigh Bowery aesthetic filtered through a Kaiju villain lens. I’m honored to be friends with and surrounded by such free-flowing creativity here in Tokyo. Speaking quite frankly, the art scene in Tokyo is very corporate and weighed-down by rules, regulations, and social etiquette. The air of exclusivity to everything is neither inviting nor pleasant. That said, this is a fringe art collective made up of unique and talented individuals, who are not bound by rules or convention.

Featured in this photoset is Belgium Solanas.  

[tokyo-otoko]

What now?

A lot has gone down since my last post on here.

My home country is being torn apart by a Fascist conman drunk with power; I have grown weary and unhappy with my life here in Japan, and while I feel like I need to leave soon, I don’t feel safe going home. Some of my friends in America are contemplating jumping ship and moving abroad like I did. Others want me to come home so I can help with the Resistance movement, and admittedly part of me is keen to do so. Regardless, it’s been truly difficult to focus on much else besides the state of things, which by all accounts is fucking awful.

The question then for me, I suppose, is what now? My original plan was to stay put here. I was going to find a new not-English teaching job and just work my ass off, hustle, and watch home from a safe distance for a couple years. I spent my winter holidays in Sydney, Australia, which as beautiful and an incredible vacation, but upon my return to Tokyo I fell into a deep depression. Although it didn’t last as long as some of my other slumps, I felt like I was walking and wading through molasses for two weeks- trouble getting out of bed, being late to work, being zapped of energy, the whole thing. I realized pretty early into it that it was largely because of my job, but I was also overwhelmed by dealing with having to function in Japanese society.

I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve outgrown my existence here. I’m not saying I’m ungrateful, though: I built this life, I’m proud of it. I woke up one morning last week and just kind of looked around my room, from the laundry hanging on a shelf to the posters above my record player. And I lay there in my bed, content with myself and momentarily filled with a sense of accomplishment for making it in this country, in this city; all while still in my early 20s. I love Tokyo and I always will. But I’ve realized that I don’t want this life for myself. I’m meant for other things, other places. I’m meant for more. I’m turning 25 in a month, and I guess in growing older I’ve gotten serious about specific things that I used to not be. I take 9-10 different vitamins a day now (exact number depending on the day), I don’t really enjoy staying out all night anymore... I don’t drink much anymore these days, even. My priorities have changed, my goals have shifted. I live a different kind of life than I did three years ago.

On a positive note, I’m excited to turn 25. It’s a big deal, I hear. Rather serendipitously, I was invited to go back to Australia at the end of next month, right around my birthday. This time to Melbourne, but I’ve always wanted to visit. My Australian ex-boyfriend (who I don’t talk to anymore) lives there, but I have a couple other friends (who I still talk to!) who live there that I would love to meet up with. Who knows? If I end up digging Australia enough this second time around, I might consider packing up and moving there.

[tokyo-otoko]

Thoughts on the election, the future, and how everything is terrible

As you, my beloved followers, and the entire thinking world has watched in horror this past week- I don’t need to go into detail aside from saying that we are one giant step closer to The End- but it’s been truly difficult for me to function. I was three hours late to work on Friday because getting out of bed and facing reality has been that difficult, even being so far away from home. My home country is literally falling apart, and watching it all happen in slow-motion from afar has been nothing short of terrifying and heartbreaking. Even worse yet is seeing videos, reading accounts, and watching evidence mount of POCs getting assaulted and harassed on the street, in public, at school, everywhere. Friends of mine back in America have been directly attacked and affected.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before on this blog, but I come from an extremely conservative family. Both my parents, and countless family members voted for and ecstatically support Trump. I’ve done a pretty successful job of keeping a safe distance from them for my entire adult life; I left the house when I was 18, moved abroad when I was 22. Now that the literal worst thing that could’ve happened has happened, I find myself caught in a conundrum of how this will change my relationship with them. Beginning when I was a teenager things have always been difficult, but ultimately I do love my parents and would like to have a healthy relationship with them. But this? This changes so much. I don’t know how exactly, logistically, but I haven’t spoken to either of them all week and don’t intend to for... I don’t know how long. The honest truth is that I’ve felt betrayed by my parents for years now on some level, and this is kind of a nail in that coffin in a sense; the ultimate betrayal. I’m gay, I’m Latino, I come from an immigrant family. At the end of the day actions speak louder than words, and their unwavering support for Trump shows me that they don’t really care about me.

As for my future: it was a no-brainer for me, really. I was planning on going home next August, when my JET contract expires, collecting my fat pension check from the Japanese government and doing a bit of traveling. But plans change, and I’ve decided that I don’t feel safe or comfortable going home. I’ll be staying in Japan indefinitely; right now it’s looking like two years, then re-evaluate. But who knows? I’ve befriended enough people who have lived here for ten, fifteen, twenty years even; while I’ve never planned to venture down that path, at this point I need to be open to possibilities. Maybe I won’t stay forever and eventually I’ll go back to Los Angeles and get involved with the Resistance, become big on the underground like I used to be and do what I can to help. For now though, I just know that I’m weary and exhausted. I want the world to slow down and not explode.

[tokyo-otoko]

As some of you already know, I’ve had a bit of a whirlwind time these past few days- I went to Tokyo Fashion Week and things have been kind of surreal since then? I got invited to four shows (only went to two) because a friend of mine needed to go abroad at the last minute, and these tickets landed in my lap. I’d never even been to a real *Fashion Show* until this week but it was exhilarating, beautiful and intense all at once. My first day I saw Johan Ku Gold Label, and just kind of went lowkey and soaked everything in. (No matter what, fashion crowds will always be intimidating for me.) The second day though, I saw Zin Kato which is a rather traditional and fancy Japanese brand. Accordingly, I decided to pull out the big guns- this Top Shop faux fur vest that’s been sitting in my closet for a few years now and that I only really pull out for special occasions.

I got street snapped a few times and didn’t think much of it yet somehow I ended up on WWD’s website and I’m told some of my photographs are being featured on the NHK next week. I’m patiently waiting for everything to kind of funnel in; it was flattering and surprising but I’m also kind of taken aback, in a way. This all happened within the span of like, two days. I’ve always loved Fashion and had an appreciation for clothing so this is still kind of sinking in, I guess.

On a lighter note, I saw Kinky Boots here in Tokyo, with the original Broadway cast. I laughed and cried and was in awe of how receptive the (98% Japanese) audience was to the whole thing. I think it’ll take off really well here, and it’s such a perfect way to really introduce the concepts of gender/sexuality/drag/performance/non-heteronormativity. If anyone is around Kanto or is coming up I highly recommend it. The tickets are a little pricy but totally worth it. 

[tokyo-otoko]

I went on an urban hike through Tokyo today with a group of friends- it was for charity, but it was 17 miles/28 kilometers. Tokyo Station to Kichijoji Station. As much work as it sounds (the last couple hours was rough), I was conversing with and getting to know some really cool people who I’d met before but had never gotten this intimate with. I’ve been very health-conscious lately, which this was obviously an extension of; I’ve been working out three to four times a week, eating mostly home-cooked meals. These last couple of months has consisted of me staying home on weekends and watching movies alone; not drinking.

The question of “what are you going to do next year when your contract expires” came up several times today, from different people. I’ve tentatively been planning a move back to California in my head, although the thought of uprooting myself (again) is pretty terrifying. I do miss home very much. I do miss my family, much to my own surprise. I’ve been very much nesting in my own skin and doing some healing on the side. While it’s been chill and necessary, it’s also been... Well, how can I put it. Finding equilibrium with myself is such an odd feeling that I never thought I’d get to, not at least in this stage of my life. 

[sridevi]

[tokyo-otoko]

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

[kaijusaurus]

Resurrection of Daimajin, an independently-produced fourth Majin film directed by Masahiko Katto. The film sees Majin reawaken in 1980s Japan. 

[tokyo-otoko]

I had absolutely nothing to do today at work, so in the midst of jumping between articles about Shirley Clarke and the Chelsea Hotel, I somehow came upon an After-JET pdf guide from a few years ago. I skimmed it, as it was obviously something that’s been on my mind. I just started my third year as an ALT at the beginning of this month. Three years is a long time to be doing this, I’ve thought; I really like living in Japan and I’m terrified of going back to America, I’ve thought. I get anxious just thinking about moving back into my parents’ house, even though in reality it would probably be really nice to finally go home for good. I moved out when I was 18 and I haven’t spent more than two months at a time there since.

I’ve had a lot of thoughts recently about my life: where I’ve been, where I am now, where I can feel myself going, all of that. I’m in the middle of a big transition in my life right now- I’ve cut back tremendously on my alcohol consumption, I’ve cut back on casual sex. I shaved my head last week. I’ve just restarted my daily regimen of six different vitamins, along with a banana and a bottle of grapefruit juice in the mornings. I’m at a point where, at 24, I’m feeling very lost and unsure of both who I am and what my next moves are going to be. I want to stop hooking up and start actually dating. I read the Tarot at least once a week for guidance and my own sanity, and it’s a practice that’s definitely helped me cope with my anxiety. (It doesn’t change the fact that it’s still something I struggle with almost daily, but I do what I can to try and help.) I’m at a place where I feel the need to really buckle down, unpack, and unlearn a lot of my unhealthy behaviors. It’ll take a lot of work but as I was leaving Shinjuku today, I looked up at the sky and it was orange and blue, and the clouds were idyllic. For whatever reason it gave me hope, despite how much of a failure I’ve been feeling lately... I really want to overcome bad habits I’ve fallen into time and time again, that have only hurt me in the long run. I’m tired of false starts and broken promises to myself about doing better.

In the same vein, I’m aware that I am my own worst critic. I blame myself for a lot of my own shortcomings. I feel guilty about being difficult to keep contact with, particularly when it comes to other JETs and people who I genuinely like but can’t seem to get around to hanging out with. I feel guilty about being MIA from my colleagues- if you’re reading this, I’m sorry everyone. I feel embarrassed about harboring feelings of envy for friends who are better-adjusted to adulthood and who seemingly have their shit together. I’m perhaps not the mess I see myself as, in fact I think I’m doing better at this stage of life than a lot of other people. It’s just that this year has been a whirlwind and honestly too real so far- I’ve had to do things I’ve never done before and go places emotionally that I’m unfamiliar with. But I’ve made it this far and 2016 hasn’t totally decimated me, although my self confidence is possibly the lowest it’s been in a very long time.

I’ve realized that I really need to take better care of myself. A symptom of living abroad, and particularly in Japan I think, is that it’s easy to get so caught up in your daily life that you end up putting yourself and your emotional health behind everything else, only to return to it in disarray. I’m trying really hard to move into a period of evolution as a person where I can learn to accept and love myself for who I am and everything that I am. All of my flaws and imperfections, all of my insecurities, neuroses and anxieties. I guess my big thing for the rest of this year will be trying to come to a state of stability, where I’m healthy and happy and not as wound-up all time. I know it’s been a difficult year for almost everyone I know. But like most things, I internalize and process my problems alone. Something my last reading pointed out is that I need to get better at asking for help when I need it, which I agree with. I just want to do better.

[acutepencil]

I’m so sick about the mass murder of disabled people in Tokyo. It’s been crystallizing for me how non- “““““normal”””””” people are seen as worthless in this country. I recently had a situation where one of the JETs I’m in charge of developed schizophrenia from stressors in Japan and the Board of Education did NOTHING. zip. zilch. I called them on Thursday saying that there was a problem and that because this JET was suicidal I was arranging for them not to be alone. I set up an appointment for the JET at a psychiatrist’s office and escorted them there the next day. After all that I went to the BoE in person to update them and see what was going on, and they had done NOTHING whatsoever in the 24 hours since I first notified them of the problem. Not even contacting the JET’s emergency contact back home. 

When I got to the BoE there was an immediate emergency meeting where I debriefed the relevant people and I shit you not, the first things out of their mouths were:

1. Can they still work?

2. How did they try to kill themselves?

So as for number 1, I sort of get it. Like in an abstract, emotions removed kind of way I get how that could be your first question, you know, if you legitimately didn’t give a shit about the JET or their general wellbeing beyond whether they were doing their job.

But question number two makes me mad. Don’t ever ask how someone killed themselves or how they tried to. Just don’t fucking do it. It doesn’t serve anyone, and I guarantee you that knowing is not going to make you feel better. But asking is disrespectful as fuck and is rooted in morbid curiosity that has no place in a situation where the only thing you should be worried about is that person’s current health and whether you can do anything to support them going forward.

So anyway after the debrief, they turned to me, an untrained 23 year old, and asked “what should we do?” I wanted to scream and cry and tell them that I had no fucking idea and that I’m not equipped to handle these types of situations and they shouldn’t be relying on me for this kind of thing, but luckily I kept my cool and demanded that they call the JET’s emergency contact. I left her a message updating her on the situation, and because everyone at the BoE was too scared to actually talk to a foreigner I also gave the emergency contact my name, cellphone number, and email address. 

She called me 12 times that night. I answered every single time.

The next day I escorted the JET to the airport so they could fly home. Not a single BoE person even attempted to come too, even though it’s standard practice to accompany departing people. Even though the JET, although they were in the middle of a dissociative episode, asked me if they hadn’t done anything wrong, why was nobody there to see them off. EVEN THOUGH while I was waiting for the JET’s flight to take off, I FUCKING RAN INTO THE BOSS LADY OF THE BOE WHO WAS AT THE AIRPORT SEEING OFF A BUNCH OF TEACHERS FOR THEIR COOL OVERSEAS ENGLISH TRAINING. DID SHE ATTEMPT TO FIND MORE OUT ABOUT THE JET? ~SPOILER ALERT~ NO SHE FUCKING DIDN’T.

So in the end, even though I asked the JET to message me as soon as they got to the gate, they didn’t, so I had to lie to the airline and say I was their caretaker just so I could find out if they were on the flight or not, and honestly I don’t really feel like it’s a lie. I was the one looking after the JET, not the organization legally responsible for them, not the ones who had forcibly brought them over as basically the modern day indentured servant, not the ones who falsely advertise Japan and the JET program to impressionable young people as a fabulous once in a lifetime experience that is guaranteed to be the best 1-5 years of your life.

The JET program failed this person. Japan failed this person. the Boe FAILED this person. Every single former JET who tells applicants to intentionally conceal any history of mental illness FAILED THIS PERSON. I’m just so incredibly grateful for this JET’s friends and family who reached out to me when they were worried and helped me to get them home safely.

[tokyo-otoko]

Small Miracles

As many of you know, I’m utterly poor. (Most of my friends in Tokyo are.) I get payed in five days and I have about $70 that needs to last me until then. I can make it work, I’ve done it before, but it’s stressful and not fun and really shit to be honest but that’s just surviving in Tokyo. Anyways, on my way home I picked up a few groceries to last me the next few days- rice, broccoli and bell peppers- and as I walked by a nearby 7/11, I spotted what looked to be a 2-liter bottle of water. Just sitting there on the ground outside, still in a plastic bag. There were people walking by but I eyed it and thought to myself: I need to go buy a box of ziplocks at the 100¥ shop down the street, but I’ll walk back and if it hasn’t been claimed then I’m swooping in.

I did exactly that and, to my surprise, no one had returned to pick up what had ostensibly been left behind accidentally. I looked around and was protected by a lull in the constant flow of people passing through. Without stopping I hooked the bag up with two fingers and kept walking. Didn’t look back for a few minutes. Honestly, considering how poor I am and how rare it is to find genuinely free food in this city, it made my day. I’m eternally grateful for the universe (and Japan) throwing me a bone, even if it was something as insignificant and simple as water.

[gallowhill]

Visit Original Link

[tokyo-otoko]

It’s been a very strange, uncomfortable, insecure time for me these past couple of months- there’s been a lot going on and I can feel everything kind of shifting- half the people I met here that I know and have come to love will be gone by the end of the month, I haven’t been sleeping, and I’m poor. I’m not sure how to go about solving or helping any of this right now but this song is kind of how I’ve been feeling about everything. xxxxxx

[britneysunicorn-blog]

[tokyo-otoko]

!!! my aesthetic !!!

[chanclazo-deactivated20160712]

I love her sm

[queernigga]

she zid zat

[thebigblackwolfe]

ok but she really DID that

[queernigga]

this is a goddamn boss fight.

[tokyo-otoko]

This is Japan in a nutshell. When you don’t think it can get anymore extra, it does.