saturday, may 2nd, 1:15 pm
if by the time of elementary school it already comes to be the case that any full genuine honesty would be unspeakable or otherwise untenable - (you yourself may not be doing anything wrong but you’re not about to look your mother or elderly schoolteacher in the face & tell them you’ve watched a video of someone being raped, having their face cut off, or some other thing) - you emerge quickly with that split in your being which makes it so that honesty always has its limits, there is always at least one final mask behind the masks you’ve made a show of removing, anything goes in private, there is largely no morality in private, & by necessity no one will ever know just how far you take this principle, nor even guess that it’s a principle in play
& if this hiddenness from everyone gives you a callous social nature that makes your life tend to pan out quite ugly - (not as ugly as those videos, but ugly nonetheless) - & you really only ever have a worse & worse story to share, then, well, what incentive can you possibly have to reform yourself into something honest?
saturday, may 9th, 7:45 pm
if you keep your thoughts to yourself, this can be the first step down the road to losing track of the difference between what’s said & left unsaid, between the hypothetical & the actualized
if you lose track of the difference between the hypothetical & the actualized, this can be the first step down the road to losing track of the difference between anything & anything else
if you ceased to know the difference between anything & anything else, then you wouldn’t even know the difference between thinking the phrase “living ten thousand years” & actually living ten thousand years. so, from your perspective, you could live ten thousand years at potentially any moment
if you can live ten thousand years at any moment, you just become an unbound nexus of infinite time & experience. at that point, there’s not really anything distinguishing you from the universe as a whole, since the difference between you & the universe was that it was a boundless thing concerning millennia, whereas you were a bound, finite thing concerning only some decades
if there’s no difference between you & the universe, then you’re basically already dead, since it was your distinction from the rest of the universe which was the only evidence that you had been born. it was the fact that it was boundless & you were finite. that was why you were alive, that was the difference
monday, may 11th, 2026, 12:35 pm
most people know how to relate to things much more fluid than words, which is a very low bar to clear, since words are clunky, brick-like things, fucking insufferable things really, & those people would do fucking well not to lose that ability because the heart of life lives in what is fluid, if you abandon all that is fluid you carve out life’s heart. once you find yourself stranded in a blocky, semiotized world of your own devising, incapable of pressing past the limited resolution of fucking WORDS of all things (jesus…) then you might find one day that you get the idea to idly scrawl the phrase “i’m dead” across a piece of paper & then it’s over, you might as well be
monday, may 11th, 2026, 12:47 pm
when you start treating poetry as nothing more than indulgent, interchangeable human mind-glop, you start living in a world where any poem you encounter might as well be replaced with any other. once you start entertaining thoughts like that, you start living in a world where the actual real reality of the fact that a person wrote what is in front of you, the fact that they wrote it & not something else instead, & the fact of your happenstance encounter with it, all hold no weight. it all just functions for you as a featureless placeholder for “poetry” as an abstract idea. you literally stop even treating the act of introducing something into shared reality, rather than withholding it, as a substrate for the creation of meaning. at that point, you’re basically living completely in your own head, relating to nothing but genericized ideas, all for the sake of supposedly outsmarting the people you believe to live too much in their own heads
tuesday, may 12th, 2026, 4:05 pm
the haptic smoothness of the opposing force between two magnets has been an inspiration to me for a long time, because it literally bypasses all the physical mechanisms of viscosity or smoothness typically known to us, & operates under a notion of smoothness dependent on the magnetic force & its elementary relationship to spacetime itself, beneath even the atomic resolution. it might be the only thing transferable to the human senses that isn’t a mere simulation of actual smoothness
tuesday, may 12th, 2026, 4:36 pm
incapacity to eat food without remembering that the eventual necessity to eat food was already implied during the big bang & that everything once instinctual & self-evident about being a person was a lie
tuesday, may 12th, 2026, 4:38 pm
sentimental assumptions that empathy is automatic or innate
wednesday, may 13th, 2026, 10:22 am
when two people in vastly different places each encounter the same adversarial circumstance, each forever changed by it, & one responds humbly & adaptively & proceeds with a greater natural love for their fellow humanity, whereas the other proceeds entirely maladaptively, then from our third person narrative perspective we could spend all day theorizing about the honorable or deficient qualities that determined their respective paths. but at the end of the day all that we really have is the plain observational fact of their behavioral divergence, nothing but a piece of raw data opaque to any attempts at definitive explanation
all we can say is that there are two types of being before us, should we choose to classify them as such. now, by praising one & condemning the other, we really disclose nothing but a sort of quasi-eugenic preference for the existence of one type of being over another, yet a preference that generally seems entirely defensible to common sense, even within a broadly humane culture - in fact, it becomes only more defensible as the culture becomes more humane. maybe the elaborate science of personal accountability is then an attempt at morally cleansing ourselves of a secret guilt that comes with this preference
wednesday, may 13th, 2026, 9:52 pm
the painful capacity to imagine being more than an object is itself a product of objective processes & maybe if you look at that the right way it can become a roundabout means of stripping those imaginings of the holiness that makes their far-off distance so painful in the first place
thursday, may 14th, 2026, 10:43 am
it’s possible that someone could be a great actor (in the sense of employing acting in their methods of actually living & being with others), yet only be capable of calculating the effects that things would have on their own self, & not on other people. this would lead to complex sorts of interplays
for instance, they may wish for one reason or another to be an enchanting figure to someone, & so they take on qualities that would enchant their own self. now, we know these qualities would be enchanting in some measure because we know they do enchant at least this actor, & this actor may appear perfectly authentic in portraying them. but the other person may not come from a life that shaped them to see the particular way these qualities would stand out as enchanting. it’s not that this neceasarily makes the act a failure, because it may still have some pronounced effect totally unknown to the actor. what is “enchanting” to one may be “warm” to the other, or any other thing
what this means overall is that the impression the person gets of the actor is a complex function of the effect the actor wishes to evoke, the way the actor experiences the world & thus the way they seek the effect, & the way the other person experiences the world & receives the actor’s output. a person straining every day to be warm may be loved by another person for seeming so cold & collected, & both could be blind to the disjunction, yet still interpersonally functional
thursday, may 14th, 2026, 10:57 am
no no no language isn’t the only thing, there’s other stuff too… when i say la la la it’s not a symbol of the notion of idle playfulness or the motions of my tongue, i’m just saying la la la… (visibly in denial, sweating profusely)
thursday, may 14th, 2026, 10:58 am
i will turn every building in the city into something that reminds you of a morally instructive experience. i will turn every letter of the alphabet into something that reminds you of a morally instructive experience. every sentence you read will sing clarity to you in the process of saying whatever it says
thursday, may 14th, 2026, 11:14 am
well if there’s nothing but language, if even the roads & rivers are language, then this really is the storybook reality i’ve been trying to fight my way back into… you have to carry the distortion to its limit if you want to loop back around to the freedom of its initial absence… well… okay, i’ve acknowledged it, so why am i still dissociating, when does it stop…
saturday, may 26th, 2026, 6:01 pm
i think i was born with a 100% working intuition about what sort of person was worth being, but my surroundings were… not even hostile to this intuition, but just flagrantly incapable of reflecting anything of it back to me, not even in any distorted form. this led to me feeling increasingly, hmm, singular & crazy just for recognizing many of the things most obvious to me. not because i was being gradually convinced they were false, but that i was just staring them down in a pointless echo chamber where there was no use to make of them, & this was the status quo at least until i was maybe twenty-four
in terms of this “100%” figure i do not think the most unpleasant number it can drop to is 0% because that would mean the original version of myself would not be there to be freaked out by its own diminishment. rather the most unpleasant is 50%. any lower & one would at least be less lucid of the diminishment, whereas any higher & they would at least be less diminished. that’s kind of the middle i feel dangled around
the end result is that in life i will sometimes encounter things i find quite crazy & interesting, but more importantly i feel like i approach these things with the context that primes me to understand why they are unusual & interesting, which makes them not just generically interesting but interestingly interesting. BUT… i find myself just kind of nodding along with them anyway & being like “yuh huh,” & being quite disturbed with myself for this. as though my eyes might as well just be totally glazed over & impervious to beauty & no one would tell the difference
sunday, may 17th, 2026, 9:09 pm
well yeah you’re not oversimplifying & depersonalizing others by having the term “npc” in your vocabulary & we appreciate that but are you conversely over-sentimentalizing them by insisting to yourself that everyone has a repressed poet inside them & no one is ever on this earth to just fuck around, or that no one is ever just not that interesting & trying to mind their own business in the process of not being that interesting
wednesday, may 20th, 2026, 9:40 pm
you think you are just obsessed with it in a vacuum, that it’s a purely inexplicable thing, but you’re actually being reminded of it by tons of little things everyday, & not things you can’t practically avoid but things you keep quite close to you, on purpose, maybe even through quite elaborate means. you don’t want to start thinking about this because you’re intimidated by how many things you’d have to uproot to actually vanquish it from your life’s circulations. by the end you’d practically be a different person entirely. you’d be living a different life, with new habits, new routines, new interests
friday, may 22nd, 2026, 8:27 pm
to barely experience anything during the fleeting period of life before you inevitably deconstruct experience itself. & hypothetically there might still be some part of you who wishes morosely that they could have had more experiences while experience still mattered. but even this hypothetical part of you is absent, because you know that even if many things had happened back then you would still now be in a present where those things only felt like past illusions that had now fallen away. even if that past version of yourself had been more nourished, that past version would still be a memory. you cannot pine for something that you no longer care about, not even in the retrospective frame of a time when you did care about it. & yet there still might be some more primordial part of you that resists being explained in these terms & is still crying for reasons that cannot be explained in these terms
saturday, may 23rd, 2026, 11:21 am
one time in fifth grade we were playing dodgeball in the gym & Halloween was maybe a week or less away. so i got hit by a ball, & i splayed on the tile, exclaiming, “i’m gonna be a battlefield casualty for Halloween!” , causing my teacher to laugh loudly. the reason this joke has stuck in my memory is that i feel like i made it because i was partly a child, partly a quasi-ageless thing that knew that everyone around it still saw it as a child, & i knew from an adult perspective that it could be funny to hear a child yell that. & of course it had that awkward, stilted quality that is inseparable from any display of that arguably sort of, markedly autistic humor which serves as nothing but a superfluous display of self-awareness & is, at best, “cute”
saturday, may 23rd, 2026, 12:19 pm
it’s over, & the next thing hasn’t come along & replaced it by starting yet, so for the time being you’re just wandering around as the corpse of the protagonist of the latter situation, saying blank thank-yous to cashiers & bank tellers, feeling almost as though the lingering obligation to go around taking care of errands were meant to be intentionally humiliating, like a walk of shame
