Lines to Kill the Author Challenge
So I made one of my irl friends, who is very, very keen on Tolkien but has never been in a ‘fandom space’ and has never read a work of fanfiction in his life, read the entire Prayers to Broken Stone AU series and, in lieu of a review he has made me a list of sentences he spotted that would “kill Tolkien if he ever came across them”.
The criteria for “killing Tolkien” has not been disclosed to me, none of these lines are particularly radical (maybe he’ll die of irony at the Caranthir one?), literally all of them are just plain weird, and this fic is so expansive I cannot remember writing half of this. However, I do think “not doing what Tolkien wants people to be doing and instead choosing to make him uncomfortable” is a sentiment that should be spread more in this fandom, so I present to you the list in question, in order.
“Celebrimbor, get up there and guard it with your life. If it rains, I’ll cut your cock off.” (Celegorm)
“We are balls deep in the asshole of atrocity.” (Curufin)
“Humanity will never change their thinking when it comes to international relations if they don’t change their thinking when it comes to anuses. Inshallah, we will do some bombings together soon, will we not?” (Maedhros, to his dachshund)
And so, Elrond the Dachshund entered the picture.
“Oxford, London, same thing. Gutter is gutter is Thames.” (Maedhros)
“Farting in Kozhikode is like crop-dusting Mecca.” (Finarfin)
Caranthir leans over the table and smoothly decolonises the tea flask from Elrond’s grip.
“The Quran does say there is a noble reward for those who help the less fortunate, and I am certain the definition can be applied to airheads too.” (Nerdanel, about poor Fingon 😭)
“Do you know how many spiders have died in Kozhikode this year under Kerala Congress rule and Spiderfucker Finarfin’s care?” (Maedhros)
“Celegorm is not a parliamentarian, Celegorm is humanity’s third testicle. He has the face of someone who regularly gets blowjobs from fish.” (Maedhros)
Bonus: “I’m a mammal, Elrond.” (Maglor)
if this is what spurs you to read the fic at last then what is wrong with you. also i promise you it is a serious work of literary fanfiction. these are… anomalies.
Anyway. I am making this a challenge.
Rules: Go into your fic archive and pull out 5-10 lines that you think would put an end to JRR Tolkien once and for all, were he to come across the thing. They don’t have to be funny. You don’t have to explain why they would kill him, but you can if you want. 5 extra points if at least 50% of them don’t have anything to do with shipping and/or LaCE.
If you see this, you are tagged.
