To Love Without Agenda @tolovewithoutagenda - Tumblr Blog

Is there a way to write a poem for your ex? Even if it’s years later and currently the middle of the night….

Because I just want her to know, wherever she is, that not a single day has gone by that I don’t remember her in some way — sometimes good, sometimes bad, mostly neutral. Just memories that come at random moments throughout my days. I don’t hate the memories, I’m leaning into them.

Jut wasn’t that my oral along?!?

More importantly, I thought to myself — was there a way I could somehow write this poem all out without her knowing? Without her maybe stumbling upon it online. Without her reading it and thinking that, maybe - she got what she wanted??? Maybe she could think that “she won” this between us?? This revenge?! This heartbreak?

— That she won this stupid battle of not caring, not remembering, and not having me, or her past, ever cross her mind again….? This is a battle I never wanted to be apart of. And she knew this. Because I know how this goes….and so does she….

I guess cheers to self-sabotage. It was so SO beautiful at some point….so much so, that I’d do it all over again in another lifetime…. because hey, maybe I’ll make “new” mistakes?!

Welp, regardless, here I am — sitting in my community area of my apartment that we once lived in, at 3am, just speaking my truth, on tumbler.

#writings

thediaryofaluminousmind

“I want you to know one thing. Everything carries me to you.”

— Pablo Neruda, from If You Forget Me

You are everywhere.

I always said how unfair it was for you to just drop everything, move away, start a new life on the other side of the world and leave everything and everyone behind.

It’s unfair how I see traces of you throughout my apartment, hiding in little corners I never cleaned just to come out and stop me in my tracks throughout my days. I see your name everywhere as if I’m searching for it. (And I’m not.) Your email, your accounts, so many pieces of papers that can’t seem to get rid of.

Whether it’s the one and only single time I bought eyedrops from the store for you, it still reminds me of that purchase everytime I go back if I want to buy them again.

Memories blur together when I drive past old streets we have walked down in a different lifetime. Or old rooms we have danced in that might look different now but I still see it all just the same.

Certain songs can come up on my Spotify and instantly teleport me to that time when we laughing uncontrollably at nothing. Or it was on repeat in the background while we played our favorite game.

I can’t go to certain places or walk down certain aisles without your memories popping out at me. I get confused all the time whether this has existed on a linear timeline or if I’m traveling back in time because I swear this was just yesterday. Not two or three years ago…

And don’t even get me started about the iPhone memories. As if I have a hard time remembering you. As if everyday I don’t say to myself how much I miss you. I won’t hide those photos of us, I won’t delete those memories. I won’t do the same thing you did to me.

I think, out of spite, I can’t forget you. And I won’t forget you. I will remember you everyday until I die. And that’s okay with me. It’s ok if I still wonder who’s loving you, are you well, are you fed, etc. I should be angrier but I’ve shed too many tears already for you all these years. Now the only thing I do when these memories start flooding my mind, is that I can’t help but smile. Even my ghost waves to your ghost when you visit my dreams.

But my point is, please dear universe, I don’t need any help with remembering. Because she already is everywhere with me.

#writings

inversedlines

That’s the way I fall for him

angel-b-torture

There’s something ancient between us, something we didn’t choose… but it claims us.

I wrote this for my therapist….

Ok. I think I’m feeling sad tonight? And I’m actually going to just sit with it for once!!

Heard from a friend tonight that she told her, that she was using me. Not that, that was any different news than what I lowkey already knew before. I guess, I kind of feel better for what I did to her(not really but at least that’s what I’m telling myself…) I’ll never admit it but deep down inside, I always knew she was using me.

But, what’s worst is that, even still, knowing all I know today, I would do it all over again. I would still give her mercy. And love. Because I knew she needed it then. And I still hope she is doing okay. I still worry about her. I still hurt for her.

Maybe I’m the fool. But can you imagine the aching she must feel in her heart? Can you imagine that sitting on her conscious for forever? I honestly can not even fathom what she must live with. Because I would run away too….

#writings #itstwointhemorning

raintosun

fairycosmos

i love reading the text posts on here that are like little windows into everyones lives. someones having coffee. someones waiting for the bus. someones buying their friend a gift. someone's crying, someone's laughing. someones going to bed

wanttosharetheguilt-blog

liesandnights

Oh to be loved like a habit and not a chore. Oh to be loved because loving you is their default state of being and not something they have to perform like a duty. Oh to be loved because they don't want to live a life where loving you doesn't exist. Oh to be loved truly.