@tomdisappearing - Tumblr Blog

Assumed my PI would stay the entire duration of an off campus conference on the hottest day of the decade (yesterday) rather than come to campus. Wore short sleeves bc my car ac is dead. All good while in the lab but then apparently we needed to talk about summer research details in her office. No lab coat.

she kinda just gestures at the scarring and asked if I stopped and if I was happy.

kind of just hitting me right now fuck my life she knows

never wearing a T-shirt again. :/

#Anyways it’s been a while but I’m still a fucking idiot I guess

somehow over the years I've gone from monster ultra every day to rockstar zero sugar to literally whichever gas station sugarfree energy drink had the highest caffeine content to instant coffee now to sugarfree red bull and free diet coke from work almost exclusively with 5-hour energy for a lil extra kick. If I don't die of digestive complications or choose to kick the bucket by 35 I'm pretty sure my caffeine tolerance will be unbeatable.

#caffeine pills are still cheapest but they only kick in with food (at least for me)#and can have a laxative effect on an empty stomach (again n = 1 my system may simply be fucked atp)#that being said caffeine pills are also not very socially acceptable even among my restaurant coworkers #and taking idk Adderall or something bought recreationally would seem more normal. weed or nicotine too #admittedly I don't feel like acquiring either anything illegal and dislike the smell of the latter two so #ugh

serenaslits

"it's not that bad I've got it handled if it was bad someone would notice" (while lying through my teeth, and hiding all obvious signs) -> professor is apparently fucking worried (???!!? not like bro caught me fucking purging or cutting I'm not that stupid and I haven't lost weight thattt fast. also it hasn't affected my linear algebra performance beyond like. 2 late assignments) -> what the actual fuck am I supposed to do now. both in terms of mr. "is everything ok" (what am I gonna say, no, I want to die every day?) and maybe it is that bad but what if it isn't and what new metric do I measure THAT by. weight sure as hell hasn't worked.

#it's fucking exhausting #what makes this shit worse is that prof is genuinely a good guy so talking out my ass is not gonna feel morally great but #no way in hell am I gonna explain anything #even though I think he'd be decent about it #there's a psychological services thing on every syllabus #and not going is also a decision that was on me.#I'm scared I'll never want to get better more than I'll be comfortable being sick #it's a familiar hell #someday maybe #idk. just stupid #and at the same time it's wtf? dude I'm not at like. bmi 12 ok. chill #long way to go to acute health risks on a daily basis #fuck.

kotn0irmertvyy

injectionfangz5

”diet drinks are actually worse for-“

What if i took my life in front of you what then

holy fucking endorphins I think my brain finally shit up

no longer 9.5 months clean from sh. fuck.

#My brain’s not working right again #Didn’t even make it a fucking year #At least it wasn’t on visible areas but still #god i’m so fucking tired #I’m going to try not to turn into a zombie #Hard to care about anything and everything hurts

It’s 80 degrees outside, I’m wearing long sleeves under my work uniform, and spent the past 3 hours busting ass in a boiling kitchen, yet I’m still cold and shaking like a freaking chihuahua during my break.

#Guess the Diet Coke didn’t help fml

fucking furious at myself. I swear it’s like I can only ever either be hardcore restricting or straight up suicidal, and it’s only in the brief transition spot between the two that I’m ever semi-productive. Bc brain fog sucks ass and what’s the point in trying if I wish I was dead, right?

And I’m aware that the past five years of my life have been a pendulum between the two. because every time I go, oh, maybe I should eat maintenance! And at least harm reduce if not recover! So I have mental and physical energy! the energy lasts what, 2 weeks? And then it shifts to man I wanna die apathy and everything hurts. Which lasts long and fucks me up even more and then it’s like, ok, well I felt more human and less despicable when I consumed less, so boom, 1-2 weeks of yay I’m so in control! And then food is just on my mind all the time and I’m too hungry to think and I’m in class but I can’t focus and it’s just. When is this gonna end. I don’t wanna be miserable forever, and looking back there’s so much I should’ve done but didn’t, and all I did was vacillate between two stupid extremes and wasted time and it wasn’t even remotely pleasant, and ugh. It’s like there’s no way out and I’m angry at myself

bc I’m the one that keeps falling back into this, but it’s like the stupid loop is inevitable.

vampirebreakfast77

konoko

so ya know what’d be really funny for suicide prevention month

#I’m (mostly) joking #But my uni’s doing this very performative thing despite having dogshit mh services #Which I know suck not bc I’ve gone tho I probably ought to have tried (but absolutely not) but bc #Several acquaintances did and it turned out to be better just to go to a local hospital instead #And I’m feeling kinda ?? Idk #Something so fucking ironic abt head of department sending emails like “pls volunteer to be shining beacon of light for poor souls!#Suicide prevention!” And I’m out here not doing great in terms of ideation #Also we do have more suicides than the national median or average even accounting for campus population etc.#So maybe to some degree the wanna die might be internal but the environment is sure as hell not helping #Idk it’s not particularly high pressure in comp to other schools but a high level of academic rigor+ shit admin #So who even knows.#It’s just— sure #In honor of suicide prevention lets not expand services that could help #And stick cutesy post it notes with somewhat tone deaf shit everywhere #Let’s do an art exhibit a total of 10 people will go to bc their prof said they’d get extra credit #Ofc this is how this shit works #I’m doing well in terms of organization and harm reduction and staying clean and getting fresh air and even high restriction and academics #But apparently that doesn’t completely kill the urge to jump off a building

itsfunny-bcitstrue

op

all-legs-no-nothing

I will fucking whack anyone who says "uh uh uh recovery is impossible" BITCH!!! STARVE YOUR OWN ASS, DON'T SHOOT DOWN INNOCENT BYSTANDERS!!

I fucking loathe y'all. We are sick, but telling someone crying out for help that recovery is just a daydream?! Fucking disgusting.

tbh I’m in the best mental state I’ve been in awhile as in one that’s lasted over a week. Genuinely, as in I don’t wake up wishing I hadn’t, I’m talking to friends, regular sleep schedule, long-term plans, not wandering in the dangerous parts of the city at 2 in the morning, clean from sh, harm-reducing where I can in terms of restricting and trying to purge less, exercising but not as excessively, going outside, all of it. so it’s probably kinda fucked that even now it feels like no one can hate me as much as I loathe myself and it’s also probably not a great sign that that feels like winning somehow.

nclsny

important:

never start purging. never ever start making yourself throw up your food. please. it won’t help you lose weight, it’ll just fuck up your entire life. it’ll stretch and damage your stomach, cause your throat to bleed, you’ll throw up blood and pass out on the cold bathroom floor. your hair will fall out, your teeth will rot, you risk stomach rupture, heart attacks, and other serious life-threatening complications every time you purge. just fucking don’t start. please.

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