The Merc with a Smirk

Say Jar Jar Binks is an abomination. Say it! « Indie 616 pre-NOW! Wade Wilson/Deadpool »

[blindvigilance]

“What do you call them then?” Matty waited as Wade took a step off, landing hard in the dumpster which made Matt step back just a touch from the sound. “Those are testicles you’re referring to, get it right there, Wilson.  I’d prefer you keep your testicles in your leather drawers.  You might actually need them one day.”

[tomemyguns]

“I call ‘em Rosie and Lena...Oh, the paper projectiles? Yeah, just that. But back to the subject of my nuts. If I were throwing my rocky mountain oysters at you, it wouldn’t matter. There’s this cool deal with my healing factor where if my junk gets blown off, it grows back. That includes the whole package...I’ve had a couple people tell me it even grows back bigger.” He’s just a little too proud of that fact. “So anything Wolvie does his snikt thing to my groin-al region, he’s doing me a favor. I still think he’s secretly in love with me and just can’t admit it.”

[themartianking]

“Well, astro is in the name, and…I am an astronaut,” okay so that pun was stupid as fuck, but that didn’t matter.  “We had some weird probey things to do to the little green men up there.  Shame, I didn’t see any, they could have kept me entertained,” then again, if he’d seen anyone up there besides him, he’d have probably shit a golden brick.  “I think I know how to jerk it off and get junior standing again, I’ve been off Mars for a while now ya know.”

[tomemyguns]

“I would’ve gone with ass-tronaut, but to each their own.” He sidles up to the bar and takes the seat beside him, smirking ever so slightly with his glass raised. “If you say so, your worshipfulness, but I guaran-fuckin’-tee you that you’ve never tried some of the stuff I have. Like the modified stranger. That’s where you lay on your hand til it goes numb, but instead of using it to jack off, you use it for, uh, ‘stimulation’ and use your other hand to polish the banana.”

[enigmaticwrites]

                                           don’t forget your pain,                                                it’s what makes you  s t r o n g e r .

[todeserveit-blog]

     It was a damn good thing his companion had as crazy a      healing factor as anyone; Bucky would feel a lot less hor-      rible for this later. He pulled a gun from where it was      strapped to his thigh and fired two quick shots into Dead-      pool’s back.

     “Don’t call me Buckaroo and don’t sing that song. Or any      song like it. Don’t sing.”

     He never thought he’d be such a… buzzkill.

[tomemyguns]

Pain shot through him as the hot lead burrowed its way into his body, puncturing a lung and nicked his liver. That would take a while to heal up right. At least the upside was that he’d be able to get drunk for the next few hours. In light of that, he headed to the fridge and grabbed a beer out.

“Okay. Ow. Uncalled for. I give you a strenuous workout, and this is the thanks I get.”

Turning back to face him, he put on his best pout.

“I’m keeping the DVDs.”

[blindvigilance]

He knew the source of the paper balls the moment they fluttered into the vicinity.  The way they fluttered and disturbed the air made him know they weren’t large, therefore, he didn’t bother to deflect them away,  “I know you’re up there Wade, you’re not as quiet as you think.  The creak of that leather gives you away.  Stop throwing balls at me.”

[tomemyguns]

“Those? Those aren’t balls.” He takes a step off the ledge and falls straight down into a dumpster, cursing loudly as he lands. “Motherfucker! That hurt worse than Bea Arthur’s death!” Climbing out, he limps for a few moments, then gives his leg a kick, causing a crack that rings out in the alley. At least the broken bone’s no longer an issue. “If I were throwing balls at you, they would’ve made a wet plop, then pop, when they hit.”

[themartianking]

“That Mars Guy? The King of Mars doesn’t approve of your lack of respect,” He teases in his direction, before rolling his eyes, “If I had a quarter for every time someone asked me that…I’d probably have 50 cents…at the most….nah.  You’d be surprised how much lotion they sent up, and astroglide.  Shits slick, but hey…s’what it’s made for.  I didn’t jerk it as much as you’d think though, you know..impending death and starvation is kind of a doggie downer…”

[tomemyguns]

“Wait, they sent Astroglide with you guys? What kinda freaky experiments were you guys doing, and where do I sign up?” As long as they gave him a spacesuit. Last time he’d been threatened with getting put somewhere off-planet, it was by Tony Stark himself, and he was pretty sure being able to breathe wasn’t part of that package. “Well, you know the easiest way to get your little soldier standing at attention, right? Rosie’s five sisters aren’t just for the five knuckle shuffle, pal, especially not when you’ve got lube on hand.”

[withinthestardust]

“…”

“Is that a come on, because….c’mon man, you’ll have to do better than that!”

[tomemyguns]

Well, at least now he’s got an in.

“How about this one: My batteries are dead, can I borrow your dick?”

[meme-cafe]

Send me a “ 🔥 “ for an unpopular opinion.

Bonus points if you include a topic. ( IE. shipping, roleplaying, ect. )

[rosespell]

[tomemyguns]

withinthestardust

Holy shit, is that...It is. I wonder...

Yep, his ass really is that glorious...FUCK, he caught me, play it cool.

“Those pants are like a mirror. I can see myself in them.” Subtlety, thy name is not Wade Wilson.

[tomemyguns]

ofsmokeandashes

Were he going to make any noise, Wade would be whistling innocently right now. But since the target of his paper-ball projectiles is a certain Red Devil of Hell’s Kitchen, he’s silent as he rains them down into the alley below. Is it childish? Probably, but it’s Daredevil, the guy’s practically asking to get shit with a costume like that. No black to accent the red? He looks like a cherry tomato with horns!

[tomemyguns]

missioncommandcr

Okay, it’s that hot chick that headed the mission to Mars. Don’t fuck it up, Wade. You’ve got one chance, make it count. The smile on his lips ends up looking a little strained, but damned if he doesn’t try his best with the line he gives her. “So are those space pants? Because that ass is outta this world.”

Nailed it.

[tomemyguns]

feliznaviderek:

*points at ur bulge* is this seat taken

[todeserveit-blog]

     The ‘that’s what she said’ was a little more than Bucky ever      needed to hear from Wade. He could have handled the rest      of this morning just fine without all of the implications, and      he knew Wade knew what he was doing. Deep breath in,      hard sigh out. For pancakes. He could be strong for pancakes.

     “All ‘the Pool’ ever did for me was give a half-hearted attempt      at making up for kicking my ass twelve hours ago. Wouldn’t      really call it a favor. And don’t call me Robucky.”

[tomemyguns]

“Aww, Buckaroo, I’m offended! And I was just getting ready to design BFF tattoos!”

He was cruisin’ for a bruisin’ if he kept it up, but much like a perpetual motion machine, there was no off switch in Wade’s head. Setting the plate in front of Bucky, he turned back toward the kitchen while singing. And it was probably the worst song he  could’ve chosen.

“Let’s talk about sex, baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be!”

[todeserveit-blog]

     He’s gonna try real hard not to think about the implications of      waking up in another man’s bed while the other man in ques-      tion starts telling him how ‘he couldn’t handle him.’ Real hard.      The trail of anti-thought is completely derailed at the mention      of pancakes, however, and he feels the faintest hint of a smirk      twitch at the corners of his lips.

     “Pancakes, huh? I might forgive ya.”

[tomemyguns]

Well, he’s made it through Bucky waking up without getting shot, so that’s something to be proud of. And grateful for, those headaches after a head shot are a bitch. “That’s what she said.” The quip’s a little off topic, but nothing unexpected coming from Wade. He whips around with a platter full of butter sopped pan- cakes and syrup in hand.

“And for ze gentleman, ze cakes of ze pan, and ze syrup le maple. Enjoy, Robucky, and don’t say the ‘Pool never did anything for ya.”

[tomemyguns]

themartianking

“Holy shit, you’re that Mars guy! Hey, did you get dick burn while you were stuck up there? I mean, if it was me, I’d probably jerk it like five times a day just because I could without being interrupted. You’ve got no idea what a boner killer it is when your ancient roommate walks in on you, even if she can’t see you. Swear to god, man, she’s got, like, wankdar or something.”

[tomemyguns]

todeserveit 

“Gooooood morning sunshine! Sorry about the bruises, I swear, I tried to be gentle, but you just couldn’t handle me. Good news, though, I made pancakes to say I’m sorry. After all, the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Or is it his ribcage...I can never remember. Regardless, there’s flapjacks aplenty waiting for you.”