Professional Yearner

☆ sami (she/her) ☆ ☼ early 30s Human Disaster ☼ ☼ i <3 hot nerds ☼ ☼ no under 18s pls ☼ Ao3 here Modern TOBS AU fic here

[tommyhayward]

I will not let him harden my heart

I will not let him ruin the new life that I’ve worked so hard to build

I will not let him demolish the joy I’ve found in these last three months

I will not let him steal my sparkle any more than he already has

I will not let him destroy me the way he continues to do to himself

[o-craven-canto]

Alternate timeline in which all Greek and Latin roots are swapped:

catastrophe -> contraverse cephalopod -> capitoped chlorophyll -> viridofolia democracy -> populimpery homicide -> anthropoctony homosexual -> equigamic kilometer -> millimensure interregnum -> mesarchy magnanimous -> megapsychic manuscript -> chirography motorcycle -> ergatorote microscope -> parvovisor oxygen -> acidofex polyamory -> multierasty television -> remotoscopy universe -> monostrophe

[tommyhayward]

okay gang prayer circle that this guy I've been chatting to is just as good in person bc I don't think I can handle another shit date HAHAHA

[tommyhayward]

You guYS I don’t wanna jinx anything but oh my godddddd I may have found a fellow yearner

[tommyhayward]

“#fingers were brushed and knees were touching and shoulders were bumping into each other l am FERALLLLLL”

So it turns out we’re both on the spectrum HAHAHA

[tommyhayward]

Y’all good lord I am SO glad I started this thread bc being able to track this timeline of events is kind of wonderful and sorry not sorry bc this is my blog and I’ll post what I wanttttttttttt

But like holy shit gang, he’s been the most incredible guy??? Like I haven’t seen him in about a week (sad girl vibes) but we’ve been messaging and he’s absolutely matching my usual vibe in terms of mentioning potential future travel, experiences etc. AND I keep going back to him accidentally calling me babe last weekend while was driving my car, all of which absolutely killed me in the best way.

Last night I mentioned how nice it was when we spent an evening cosied up on his couch watching a show and he said he would be thinking about that as he fell asleep???? ExCUSE ME??????

He had surgery today and sent me a goofy selfie beforehand and I keep going back to it bc yes I am D O W N B A D okay I admit it but it’s hard to not be when he’s healing all the parts of me that had been disregarded by others for so long.

Turns out that all this time I really just needed someone with the same flavour neurotype as me 😌

[tommyhayward]

B R U H there’s something bittersweet about finally landing something so good and fulfilling after years of like… nothing, I’ve had a little cry about it because what do you MEAN I could have been treated better right from the fucking start. Fuck that guy. Like my brain is messed up to the point that it keeps looking for ways that this could end or that he might not actually be interested (and yeah that’s dating to a certain degree) but when this guy is talking plans for like… AGES from now and moving regions etc, I think he’s pretty into me??? But my mind is like 👹N O H E ‘S N O T 👹so thanks to my ex for that little bit of trauma too xx

[tommyhayward]

This is still alive and well btw y’all and I’m fuckin so happy and although I haven’t seen him in A Decade (2 weeks) we spoke for over an hour on the phone today, and afterwards when I asked for clarity on stuff he p r o v i d e d it and was not put off by my need for it and is it early days still? Yes! But it’s probably my healthiest dating experience quite possibly ever lmao so you’re getting ALL the updates

[tommyhayward]

Chapter 23 is finally here - unbetaed and likely with myriad continuity errors but hopefully y'all can still find some enjoyment in it because, to be honest, writing this was more about getting it done and trying to get back into the swing of things!

Link to Ao3 or read on below <3

[w/c: ~2,900]

~~~

The piercing sound of raised voices clattered down the stairs and fractured the comfortable silence that had settled between Mary and Tom in the Gardiners’ living room. They had been sat in neighbouring armchairs, hands loosely held as they perused their own books.

“… not fair, Ed! You said that last time was the. Last. Time!”

There was a brief moment of silence followed by the unmistakable low murmur of Ed’s voice.

“I can’t do this right now, babe,” Kate had always been gifted with excellent vocal projection, and today was a textbook example. It was as though she was in the room with them.

Mary glanced at Tom while her teeth worried her lower lip. Her book had fallen into her lap, and her worn fingernails picked at cuticles. Tom looked similarly concerned, with his brow furrowed as he chewed the inside of his cheek.

Kate and Ed practically never disagreed on anything, let alone having a fully-fledged row in the house, while the children were all home.

Footsteps thudded down the stairs, and Mary scrabbled for her book, acting enthralled as Kate grumbled down the hallway and slammed the front door behind her. Ed’s footsteps followed, achingly slow compared to his wife’s, and accompanied by a drawn-out sigh.

“Tom,” Ed called weakly, his voice echoing faintly from the hallway, “can you come here a moment, please?”

Tom glanced sideways to Mary who was regarding him quizzically. He shrugged, pushing himself off the chair with a soft groan.

Mary scrunched her face as she agonised over whether or not to chase after her aunt. She’d learned a lot about comforting people, but wasn’t sure that this was the right time. She couldn’t remember ever hearing Kate so furious, let alone at her husband; they always presented as a united front, the only disagreement Mary could recall was when Ed had been particularly vociferous about the use of the Monopoly board’s ‘Free Parking’ spot and Kate had told him to pull his head in.

Mary leaned back in her chair with a soft sigh, her ankles crossed uncomfortably and her head angled awkwardly to rest against the slightly-too-high back. She was dimly aware of Tom and Ed’s voices leaking through the wall, much quieter than Kate’s had been. Mary suspected that Ed had some bad news about work, perhaps a period of working late nights and weekends was on the horizon. Her stomach sank at the thought of seeing Tom even less than she did now. Try as they might, between her study and his work, they were lucky to see each other more than once a week unless their social circles overlapped.

They would figure something out, Mary reassured herself. They could always meet up on lunch breaks, and she had become more comfortable with the part of town where Tom’s office was, and she was considering the possibility of bringing Tom coffees on her free days, when the very subject of her thoughts walked back into the living room.

Mary glanced up, her eyes widening at the sight of Tom’s ashen face.

“What’s happened?” Mary asked, setting her book to the side and standing to meet Tom as he stepped slowly towards her.

“Ed got a call from our New York office earlier,” he began, his voice gravelly, “there’s been some fallout from the case we worked on the other week, the client’s accused the firm of some… frankly insulting things,” Tom swallowed, pausing to take a deep breath, “and because Ed and I were so heavily involved, we’ve been ordered to travel to the States and set up in the New York office while we resolve things.”

Mary was sure her heart had fallen through the floor and was now snaking its way around London’s underground.

“You… have to go to New York?” Mary asked, incredulous.

Tom nodded shakily, his eyes firmly on his thumb as it traversed along the tops of his knuckles and back, the pressure leaving a faint pink tinge to the already agitated skin.

“New York, in the United States of America?” Mary pressed, her voice growing more firm.

Tom nodded once, taking in the state of his frayed jumper sleeve as an excuse for being unable to meet her eyes.

“How long for?”

Tom closed his eyes with a grimace, “For the next few months, at least, while we go through every single case file, email, text… Facebook message, you name it.”

“You don’t even use Facebook!” Mary exclaimed, her eyes so wide it would almost have been funny, if Tom wasn’t so deeply upset.

Mary could see that her reaction was only adding to Tom’s pain and she took a moment, slowing her breathing from the rapid pace it was growing towards.

He was going to be away for months. Months! This man who had rapidly grown to become one of the best people in her life, was about to leave London for an entirely different timezone.

Mary knew that it was something Tom had no control over, but she had little luck convincing her heart of that, which had abandoned its usually steady march and was accelerating to something untenable.

They’d had a lovely day up until literally moments ago, and she didn’t want to add to things by having a fully-fledged panic attack. Tom’s brow had furrowed into deep crevasses as Mary’s breaths had started coming quicker, her eyes widening as she searched desperately for grounding objects through the room.

She found herself distracted in Tom’s pained face; his concern had pushed his glasses down to an uncomfortable perch on the tip of his nose. Ordinarily, he’d have pushed them up without so much as a thought, but his hands remained occupied with his anxious skin rubbing. Mary noticed the way the thighs of his trousers had rumpled from where he’d no doubt gripped the fabric as Ed had broken the bad news, and she could imagine Tom attempting to flatten the creases on his cab ride home.

Gradually, her breathing steadied out once more, and the constriction that had been threatening to crush her chest dissipated into a faint ache that she knew was likely to remain while she processed Tom’s news.

Mary felt frozen between emotions, wanting more than anything to comfort the man in front of her, but also understanding the importance of allowing herself to feel her own genuine emotions. Mary intellectualised her feelings rather than actually existing with them, her therapist had said. Mary hadn’t ever really noticed it until this rather inconvenient moment, and it annoyed her greatly.

She took a steadying breath, closing her eyes briefly before locking them on Tom’s face.

“When do you have to go?” Mary asked, softening her voice as Tom met her now-steady gaze.

“January third,” Tom replied, his voice slightly shaky, “They wanted us to leave the day after tomorrow, but Ed refused.”

Mary nodded slowly, “Good. As he should.”

She was proud of her uncle. He was great at his job, but he was a husband and a father (and an uncle!) above all else. He must have known that Kate would have found this news difficult. Sure, they could afford a nanny to step in and help out while Ed was away, but he was Kate’s best friend. They did everything together to the point that it was almost nauseating. And yet Mary also found it aspirational. To have found someone that complemented oneself so well, where both were able to function individually and have their respective careers and goals, and yet show up as a unit. As a team.

Mary had spent so much of her life looking for her own team, not romantically but simply by virtue of finding Her People. And she felt certain that her and Tom would be a wonderful team, but now barely months into dating, it appeared that the universe had other plans. It felt cruel that her boyfriend, the new label still surging butterflies through her belly, would be suddenly overseas for longer than they’d known each other.

“What are you thinking, Mare?”

Tom’s concerned voice pulled her out of her rapidly devolving spiral. It was ebbing and flowing as her brain raced through its vast range of emotions in record time.

“This is really not how I saw today going,” Mary admitted sadly, “I’m so happy you’re my boyfriend but I just feel like…” she trailed off, picking at her thumbnail.

“I feel like I finally got to be yours,” Tom finished, different words from what Mary had been planning to say, and infinitely more devastating.

Mary’s eyes pricked with tears, and she clamped them shut while she focused her energy on resuming her steadying breaths.

Tom’s arms wrapped around her, her shoulders and waist immediately basked in the warmth of his broad torso.

“We’ll figure it out, love,” Tom murmured into her disheveled hair, “I’m so sorry.”

Mary sniffled, burrowing her head deeper against Tom’s pounding chest, “It’s not even your fault,” she replied, her voice muffled through the fabric of his jumper, “and I think that’s what makes it harder. It’s quite literally your job.”

Tom nodded, mussing up her hair even more as his cheek rubbed against the top of her head, “Ed said he was going to try and negotiate a visit home for us, although I think it’s mostly because he doesn’t want Kate to file for divorce,” Tom chuckled uncomfortably.

Mary’s heart lurched. She knew he was joking, but Kate had been so upset when she left. As if he’d read her mind, Tom continued, “He slipped out to find her, they’ll talk it out. They’ll be okay.”

Mary let out a deep sigh of relief, the warmth from her breath spreading across Tom’s chest. He pulled her tighter, spurred on by the sudden realization that such an embrace would soon feel like a luxury.

Tom’s head pulled back as Mary suddenly shifted to look up at him, “Can we still do our Christmas-on-Boxing-Day plan? Or will you be too busy getting ready?”

Tom beamed at her, “Of course we can, sausage.”

Mary wrinkled her nose at the term of endearment, “I think I prefer ‘love’, Thomas.”

Tom laughed, pulling her back against him, “Hmm, we’ll see. I’ve always thought it was a cute petname. I need to lean into the British-isms while I’m in the States, love.”

“It’s far too soon to make such jokes,” Mary chastised, “especially if you’re calling me a processed meat item.”

If Mary was being truthful with herself, she didn’t really mind the petname, but was concerned that if she accepted ‘sausage’ as his new term of endearment for her, Tom would start referring to her as more and more questionable things.

“I think Ann would be understanding if I said I couldn’t do Christmas with her this year,” Mary began, pausing as she thought through logistics.

Tom cut her off, gently, “I think it’s important for you two to have that time together still. I know I’m going away but we’ll still do our day just the two of us, and let’s plan to see each other far more often over the next couple of weeks, yeah?”

Mary nodded, “Yeah, you’re right. Don’t!”

Mary scowled as Tom’s eyes had lit up with Mary’s concession that he’d been correct.

“Can I get that in writing, sausage?”

Mary shoved him lightly and his laughter echoed across the wooden floors.

“You are though,” Mary continued, “and god knows I’m going to need Ann over these next few months.”

“And she needs you, too,” Tom reminded her, “that nonsense with her ex sounds like it’s getting nasty.”

Mary nodded glumly, “Yeah. Who knew he’d turn out to be such a bastard. This will be her first Christmas without him in years, I’m sure we’ll make it one to remember.”

“That’s my girl,” Tom murmured, grasping Mary’s hands gently with his own, before pulling her in for a gentle kiss. Mary smiled against his lips, reaching her arms up to wrap around the back of his neck, tangling her fingers in his curls.

A soft cough came from the doorway, and the couple sprang apart, both glancing sheepishly at where Kate Gardiner stood, an arched brow directed at them.

“Well you two seem to be handling the news just fine,” she mused, a small smile attempting to tug at the corner of her mouth.

“Oh, no I’m just in denial,” Mary quipped with a slight grimace.

“I may have overreacted slightly,” Kate admitted sadly, but Tom was shaking his head.

“I don’t think you did at all, Kate. It’s utterly ridiculous that the firm is determined to take Ed away from his bloody family for so long. I can understand them doing that to me, given they see me as this expendable, ‘single young man with no life’, but Ed’s got you and the kids to factor in.”

Kate shot him an appreciative smile, “That’s very kind of you, Tom. Unfortunately Ed and I both knew this might be a possibility when he took on the mantle of ‘partner’. With great salary comes great responsibility.”

Tom chuckled drily while Mary continued to twist her fingers in the hem of her jumper. Tom’s hand reached out absently and pulled Mary’s anxious hand into his own, stroking his thumb over the soft skin between her thumb and forefinger.

Kate watched the split-second interaction with soft eyes. There was a comfort that existed between the two of them that she hadn’t seen either experience prior to meeting each other. It caught her breath, and also filled her with self-satisfaction. She really had nailed that match.

Ed lurched into the kitchen with three children in tow. Marianne was stony-faced, while George and Rebecca had tear-stained cheeks.

“I can see telling the children went well, babe,” Kate sighed, picking Rebecca up with a soft grunt.

“Oh absolutely. I know they’re all going to have a riot without boring old Dad here,” Ed joked, tousling George’s hair.

“Can George go too, and then we can just have a girls’ house?” Rebecca queried, baffled at the bark of laughter that erupted from her mother.

“I suppose we might need someone to do coffee runs, and sort our photocopying,” Ed mused, shooting George a conspiratorial grin.

“I don’t want to go to America,” George asserted, “I think I would literally die.”

Tom and Mary shot each other the same distinctly uncomfortable look. Turns out George had, in fact, listened in on their conversation on international gun laws the week prior.

“Well, I guess we can let one boy remain in the house then,” Kate conceded.

“What’s going to happen with your flat?” Mary asked as she turned to Tom, “You were sick of Michael anyway, right?”

Tom nodded, “Yeah, I’m sick of him but I’ve got nowhere to store my stuff. I’ll probably just keep paying rent while I’m in the States. He’s at his partner’s most of the time now, anyway. You could stay there if you wanted.”

Mary stared at him, agape.

“Well, no pressure or anything. Just, I know it’s a bit closer to uni and your work. So it might be easier for you. If you wanted.”

Ed and Kate glanced at each other, in silent agreement as they shuffled the three kids out of the room with them.

“I’m not asking you to move in with me,” Tom clarified quickly, “Not that I wouldn’t want that. I’d love to live together. One day. Not yet. Well, not ‘not yet’, but maybe after America. But that’s not what I…” Tom gave up trying to make sense come out of his mouth, opting instead to cover his face with his hand.

“It’s okay, Tom. I understand what you’re saying,” Mary placed a hand on his forearm, “I’d love to take you up on that offer, thank you.”

“I’m just going to stay here for a minute,” Tom’s muffled voice replied, his hand still firmly planted over his face.

Mary couldn’t stop the smirk from creeping across her face. She was so accustomed to being the one who felt the need to hide from the aftermath of her verbalised streams-of-thought, it was a blessed change to instead be witness to someone else. It was endearing.

“Your bed is so much more lush than mine,” Mary mused, “I may just end up claiming squatter’s rights.”

“All the more incentive for me to come back from America,” Tom replied meekly, “besides, Michael is the one that acts like a squatter there anyhow.”

“Kick Michael out and we’ll be able to move in together like you were wanting,” Mary grinned, her face splitting as Tom groaned.

“You’re not letting me live this down anytime soon, are you?”

Mary shook her head, delighted, “between the two of us, in the last what? 48 hours? We’ve basically covered off cohabitation and marriage. Next we’ll be discussing kids.”

Tom smiled, “Marius if it’s a boy, Thomasina if it’s a girl.”

“Perfect.”

“I’m glad we’re okay, Mare,” Tom said suddenly, his tone a stark shift, “I know we’ll have to figure this stuff out. But I’m grateful that I’ll be figuring it out with you.”

Mary’s eyes sparkled in the light, “Me too, Thomas.”

[tommyhayward]

me when i update my fic for the first time in over a month

[tommyhayward]

I can confirm I have been writing but y’all the post-breakup survival mode exhaustion finally hit and I have been SO fucking tired. I’m about halfway through a chapter and hope to have something up in the next week-ish. Thank you all for your patience and understanding and love, honestly this is the best fucking fandom I adore all of you so immensely 🩷🩷

[tommyhayward]

Good news: writing is happening ever so slowly (like, imagine the speed at which hair grows, and then slow it down 5000%)

Bad news (unless you’re a sicko like me): it’s 👹angst👹

[tommyhayward]

okay gang prayer circle that this guy I've been chatting to is just as good in person bc I don't think I can handle another shit date HAHAHA

[tommyhayward]

You guYS I don’t wanna jinx anything but oh my godddddd I may have found a fellow yearner

[tommyhayward]

“#fingers were brushed and knees were touching and shoulders were bumping into each other l am FERALLLLLL”

So it turns out we’re both on the spectrum HAHAHA

[tommyhayward]

Y’all good lord I am SO glad I started this thread bc being able to track this timeline of events is kind of wonderful and sorry not sorry bc this is my blog and I’ll post what I wanttttttttttt

But like holy shit gang, he’s been the most incredible guy??? Like I haven’t seen him in about a week (sad girl vibes) but we’ve been messaging and he’s absolutely matching my usual vibe in terms of mentioning potential future travel, experiences etc. AND I keep going back to him accidentally calling me babe last weekend while was driving my car, all of which absolutely killed me in the best way.

Last night I mentioned how nice it was when we spent an evening cosied up on his couch watching a show and he said he would be thinking about that as he fell asleep???? ExCUSE ME??????

He had surgery today and sent me a goofy selfie beforehand and I keep going back to it bc yes I am D O W N B A D okay I admit it but it’s hard to not be when he’s healing all the parts of me that had been disregarded by others for so long.

Turns out that all this time I really just needed someone with the same flavour neurotype as me 😌

[tommyhayward]

B R U H there’s something bittersweet about finally landing something so good and fulfilling after years of like… nothing, I’ve had a little cry about it because what do you MEAN I could have been treated better right from the fucking start. Fuck that guy. Like my brain is messed up to the point that it keeps looking for ways that this could end or that he might not actually be interested (and yeah that’s dating to a certain degree) but when this guy is talking plans for like… AGES from now and moving regions etc, I think he’s pretty into me??? But my mind is like 👹N O H E ‘S N O T 👹so thanks to my ex for that little bit of trauma too xx

[tommyhayward]

I will do some writing tonight.

I will do some writing tonight

I will do some writing tonight

I will do some writing tonight

I will do some writing tonight

I will do some writing tonight

I will do some writing tonight

[infectiouspiss]

this is my diary and if you choose to follow it that's your problem

[the-ginger-hedge-witch]

Wishing all of you a tender forehead kiss from a strong but intimacy-starved man who is scared of the feelings you are awakening in him but is already in too deep to know how to stop.

[tommyhayward]

Hi hello I’m Still AliveTM just a bit in the trenches of life/work/house selling/car buying and will be back and writing again sooooooon I have lots of source material

[tommyhayward]

okay gang prayer circle that this guy I've been chatting to is just as good in person bc I don't think I can handle another shit date HAHAHA

[tommyhayward]

You guYS I don’t wanna jinx anything but oh my godddddd I may have found a fellow yearner

[tommyhayward]

“#fingers were brushed and knees were touching and shoulders were bumping into each other l am FERALLLLLL”

So it turns out we’re both on the spectrum HAHAHA

[tommyhayward]

Y’all good lord I am SO glad I started this thread bc being able to track this timeline of events is kind of wonderful and sorry not sorry bc this is my blog and I’ll post what I wanttttttttttt

But like holy shit gang, he’s been the most incredible guy??? Like I haven’t seen him in about a week (sad girl vibes) but we’ve been messaging and he’s absolutely matching my usual vibe in terms of mentioning potential future travel, experiences etc. AND I keep going back to him accidentally calling me babe last weekend while was driving my car, all of which absolutely killed me in the best way.

Last night I mentioned how nice it was when we spent an evening cosied up on his couch watching a show and he said he would be thinking about that as he fell asleep???? ExCUSE ME??????

He had surgery today and sent me a goofy selfie beforehand and I keep going back to it bc yes I am D O W N B A D okay I admit it but it’s hard to not be when he’s healing all the parts of me that had been disregarded by others for so long.

Turns out that all this time I really just needed someone with the same flavour neurotype as me 😌

[fitzawkwarddarcy]

having an internet bestie who's 16 hours ahead of you is silently willing them to wake up to read your unhinged texts, and then immediately being like WHY ARE YOU AWAKE when they respond at 3AM their time.

[kokoluwie]

[tommyhayward]

This fuckin song man, this bit gets me every time 😭

[tommyhayward]

okay gang prayer circle that this guy I've been chatting to is just as good in person bc I don't think I can handle another shit date HAHAHA

[tommyhayward]

You guYS I don’t wanna jinx anything but oh my godddddd I may have found a fellow yearner

[tommyhayward]

“#fingers were brushed and knees were touching and shoulders were bumping into each other l am FERALLLLLL”

So it turns out we’re both on the spectrum HAHAHA