R.B.W. @toopaledontcare - Tumblr Blog

Sometimes I sit here and think about how my ex husband and I had baby names picked out and when we’d pass through the baby section he would use the names to tell me how cute they’d be on them.

then he left one day while i was at work.

then started dating someone 4 months later that he’s still with to this day.

i don’t want to be a piece of shit anymore

I was 24 when I watched one of my closest friends run to a bathroom and vomit.

All I could do was hold her hair back.

We had spent the entire day distracting her from what was inevitable.

Her high school boyfriend who’d she been with for 8 years at that person had left her for another woman.

I didn’t understand why someone would throw up over a breakup. I understood crying, yelling, secluding, but not the bodily response from the absence of another persons presence.

It wasn’t until 7 years later that I ran to a bathroom myself.

No one warned us that when you truly love someone that they are forever etched into your being.

That losing them is a complete withdrawal from what you knew to what you’ll never know again.

There’s not enough people to hold everyone’s hair back.

#breakups

I know you’ll never read these and that’s probably for the best. I don’t think of you as often as I once did, but I still do sometimes. I think you asked me once if Noni reminded me of you and yes, she does. I wonder sometimes if you ever think about us when it’s quiet or before you fall asleep. I’ve never loved someone as much I loved you, and thinking back I’m almost certain I won’t experience it again in the same way. You carry certain pieces of people and it’s bittersweet really the way we shape others just by being around. I feel we needed to end with you hating me. You hated me for a while I presume which is why you packed up the way you did; or so i used to think but i imagine it was hard to face me too. I would have loved you forever. Truly. As quickly as we got married I meant my vows. Do you remember us before everything happened? We used to watch Naked and Afraid, fuck constantly i could never get enough of you. I still remember your long hair falling off your shoulders with you on top of me. I memorized the way my legs spread when you were between them. We laughed. We’d play the “try not to laugh” game. All of this to say, I’d gladly go back to being a stranger to you bc it’s more intimate than we will ever be again. I’d love to meet you all over again, and leave it at that.

#DS

i genuinely pray that people know when i block them out of my life it’s never a “got ya” moment but a moment of deep despair over what they were to me and what they’ve become. it’s exhausting pouring into empty cups, and if I’ve loved someone i need them to know that i’ll always love them.

when i went to my exes place he was staying in he said “You remember my cousin? Well, He’s kinda going back to being simple so all we have is a VHS player. He has tons more movies in his room, but he locked it” and I go “Break in” and he goes “Yeah ok. His room is weird actually you might like it.” and I walked in there and he had green walls and black and white checkered comforters and a HUGE wall covered in probably hundreds of VHS movies. And my ex goes “Yeah just go through them” and I was looking an odd amount of time and he goes “Ray just pick one. Why are you taking so long?” and I go “I want one that even if I attach it to you I won’t watch it again until the attachment fades and it doesn’t hurt anymore” and he goes “You’re really like…self aware sometimes” and I go “Cam says so too”

I thought about writing a lame series of letters to people who've made some sort of significant impact on the person I've become. I thought about it for a good twenty minutes or so before I came to the conclusion that it would be best, I forgot most of the people I've spent my life loving. I feel like romanticizing toxic and hurtful love is why I'm in the same position I've always been in. I look through all of the posts from my late teens to my early twenties & I feel my thoughts haven't changed much. It's weird using this keypad because I can tell I haven't written in a while by how my hands feel strained with every key stroke. I used to think I got something out of pouring my pathetic thoughts on a blog no one cares to read. I had a therapist tell me that if I wrote even 2 good things that happened to me in a day in a journal in about 6 months, I would be a happier more grateful person. In Christianity, each time you sleep with a person you take on parts of them spiritually. I always found that farfetched until I slept with an alcoholic. It's strange to think that every person I've been with I carry parts of them inside of me. How am I even my own person? I desperately wanted to find solace in Christ. He's genuinely the only person in my life that has loved with me without asking anything of me. No one can tell me Jesus doesn't love me. I wish my love for Him could run deeper than just what I perceive transactional and selfish. People try to find solace in others, but we're all broken and there's no foundation outside of Christ, and I truly believe He is the way the truth and the life, but oftentimes I FEEL I believe more in Him for other people than for myself.

maybe it wasn’t you, but maybe it was feeling heard.

still, i’m not really sure you heard me

it was nice believing you did

taylornprice

some morning glory from today at descanso gardens

well at least i gave it a good try

beatricecenci

Vincent van Gogh (Dutch, 1853-1890)

De tuin van Daubigny

i feel i have exhausted all means to finding what it is that i'm supposed to be doing, yet every single day when i lay my head down i feel the ache of wishing i had tried harder; done more.

scorpionlafemme

Crazy how i've had this blog since I was in high school and Im 32 now. I used to find so much solace writing into the void. Many lovers, and even more so liars but I'm still somewhat the same. I'm consistent in ways that I ought not to be. Still searching for love in the most abandoned of places. What can you do when nothing is ever really enough. I once read somewhere that mourning the present is a sign of extreme emotional sensitivity and not many have that ability. Calling it an ability as if it would be something to pine after. Something to be proud of. something would look at and covet... i'll waste my sins elsewhere before this life sucks me up and i'm forced to meet my maker. i've tried most of my life to meet Him but even He doesn't want me yet. Does anyone even read these anymore? If they aren't about love or loss who can relate? I can't recall writing about happiness unless its with the realization that, it too, will leave me.

Texts I’ll never send because it’ll break me to know you blocked me again.

“I have tried to reach out since 8pm last night. I called you until noon and your phone was still off. This reminds me a lot of when we were married; you’d avoid me the same way, & if I didn’t matter when we were married why would i matter now that i’ve signed the papers? the thought of you never kissing me or never wanting me again is almost too much to take. i’m mad at you for lying but i also expected it. you’ve always said such beautiful things when i was in your face, & when im not there any longer i don’t exist to you. were your tears real? was any of this real? it felt real. what happened? i carry you with me. you’re in my heart and my throat. you’re the tears that i hold back and the nausea in the pit of my stomach. how do i let you go? i don’t want anyone else. i don’t want to want this anymore for myself. i want to be removed like you are. no amount of closure will ever be enough for me.”

kosmogrl

uredrunk

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

R.B.W.