tragicBlog9000

blog gained sentience after around one month blog gained sincerity after around two months

[tragicblog9000]

Can't believe it's taken me over 12 years to realise my partner lied to me about some pretty foundational things at the start of our relationship. Now I'm worried that he's been lying about other stuff too. I'm worried I'm omitting the truth on things as well. Like, I did somethings I'm not proud of over lockdown and any attempt to talk about it with him has put up barriers but as soon as I start to take defensive action to sort out what happened between us he either just refuses to talk about it or suddenly kicks it this mode where he's gonna make everything okay. He on every occasion that he's claimed he's going to fix things has not. He also didn't just say he didn't like my friends, he said that they were annoying in a way he couldn't stand and would never be able to get. This is the man who spent the first 10 years of our relationship literally refusing to thrust during sex and being scared of hurting me when I was literally begging for him to do just that and I have stayed through this soft boy 'they are all so mean to me.' bullshit. Look at yourself, let me stay grounded, or if you don't like my grounding, then please, I need to fuck off.

[tragicblog9000]

What if I'm bigender and gay. The tragedy eh?

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Going against my nature, for my own good.

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It's been a bad year for Theo and as Cawley starts to feel unreal Theo returns with dejection. I don't know how to tell my parents that this is how I live.

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I want some closure on my identity because I’ve decided I want a kid. I want to know what to tell my child to call me as they greet me. I want to know what’s important with that.

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I told a bunch of people that I live with multiple personalities the other day and that I’d been through a lot of therapy to help me integrate. They were wowed and thought it was beautiful but I’m just bitter that they find beauty in that.

Not to mention that my partner has never had the time to sit and listen about whats happening with me, like, all of it. Ever. In 11 years. I’ve fed him dips and drabs but every time it’s an uphill battle of him implying that I’m not that ill, or that whatever it is, it’s nebulous and mysterious and unnamed. He’s not right about what’s going on inside my head. He doesn’t know how to lead me out of dark tunnels.

How do we talk this through?

I’m weak

[tragicblog9000]

Watching this whilst shitting as a funeral to my feminity.

[deaddolin]

why are people against being on the floor it’s good

[supergameboytwo-deactivated2016]

reblog if you support being on the floor

[tragicblog9000]

Currently on the floor

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Foods that have healed me:

- A lentil tagine that I got from kirkgate market. I've never had food love me like that before.

- The nandos I just had, I had to take it back as one of the thighs was very pink but after that I felt so cared for I inhaled the rest of it.

- A curry my housemate made a few months back. I felt a little run down and it just super picked me up. Felt 100% after eating it.

[tragicblog9000]

I hate how happy she is because she took my happiness. I was processing my identity and she wouldn't let me have that unabashedness that I needed for it to sit comfortably. Ever since I met her I haven't been able to be myself, I've had to water myself down. I've struggled to get by because of that because a lot of what I do comes from letting myself have a big personality. Before I met my partner I was loud. They're embarrassed by me. They're embarrassed by how unabashed I am. I'm not embarrassed by the both of them but frankly I'm downright annoyed at how they live their lives. They're dirty, obsessed with sitting and doing nothing and surrounding themselves with litter and I've somehow turned out looking like the maladaptive one. Fucking no more, I genuinely don't know how long things are going to take to sort out between us but it's upsetting.

[tragicblog9000]

Shout out to all the folks in the late 20s and early 30s who are stuck in development hell.

[tragicblog9000]

For me, transness, DID and being autistic coexist. It’s hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. I’m actually getting sick of coming to some sort of explanation for people because they don’t actually seem to care when I do tell them. This comes from being pushed and pushed and finding difficulty in relaxation, ease and freedom. Being motivated by freedom and worth is just a little bit too much of a pipe dream I need to lay off at the moment. By lay off, I mean stop pushing with, that’s the whole point of them.

[tragicblog9000]

How are my old ways integrating with my new ways? I’m stepping forward by wearing black, realising that this is a form of colour magic. To protect my energy. But again, I can’t fucking tell anyone it’s colour magic because they’ll think I’ve gone insane. Yet my housemate also has DID and I don’t think she thinks anyone knows, parts of her know I know. It’s not that I care where it comes from, I just know it works for me so I’m rolling with it. The partner likes his shiny pieces of cardboard but I don’t tell him it’s bad for him to be so stuck within games, I don’t tell him that because I like people to be free. So here I am just trying my best but questioning myself because I know I’ll get shit for being a certain way.

[tragicblog9000]

Shit I think Lord Byron has just become one of my alters.

[tragicblog9000]

Never encourage a person’s dark side if it comes with no reward. Do your shadow work.

I can’t believe I was left to be so hurtful to people to so many years. Not just that but to be told my hurtful actions were okay, encouraged almost.

My partner has so much slight wrongness to him, not in a deeply abominable way, but in a subtle way, between me and him.

I got a taste of my own medicine tonight but I was able to instantly defend against it. But that’s not what hurt, what hurt was that I’d been needlessly allowed to be this way for almost a decade. Only worsening when we moved in together as a couple.

Doubled down with a person who has self esteem issues and tonnes of jealousy about certain creative skills. Also a taste for only the finest madagascan vanilla artwork. Never has she said she likes what I create.

[tragicblog9000]

This is a painful night. My house mate has been keeping me off chat comms by saying that I'm too quiet. I've not felt comfortable around her for forever and honestly I'm sick of feeling evil when I'm not. I'm sick of the constant facing of morality, I'm working on myself but I just need to be.

She works through DID and wants nobody to know but other folks with DID know, alters talk without ever meeting. I get angry when people refuse to accept things like this about themselves but it's not gonna help anyone.

I'm wanting to train back my compassion which was switched out for helplessness by an ex and i masked using service. Dark parts need acceptance and love not encouragement.

[tragicblog9000]

I refuse to be trampled, I've already lost a lot. Some of it needed to go, some things I wanted I never got the privilege of learning at an early enough for it to work. But it doesn't mean I didn't deserve them. I just deserved to have learned what I did not laced with that much anger.

I also deserved for people to see me as a human beyond my achievements. I deserved to be listened to and considered.