TransBoySky

My trip through life being Trans and Pan!

[transboysky]

Oh Boy

In one of my previous posts I talked about two friends that don’t accept me but still call me their friend. H who was my friend since fourth grade said some pretty nasty things on the bus ride home, now she wants to meet up and hang out with her and E from that post as well. I’m thinking about making it happen because maybe they want to fix things between us or there’s always the possibility they want to hurt me. I’m willing to fix things with these two but they have to make some serious changes, it follows one of my biggest policies. Never let them close enough to hurt you again. They aren’t gonna be able to get close enough to hurt me ever again because I don’t want to let myself break like that ever.

[transboysky]

Isn’t it weird

Isn’t it weird how you play out scenarios over and over in your head with different endings? How you write the letter over and over, the one where you tell your family or friends the truth? Isn’t it weird how each time you write it you know that the letter may never see the light of day? How your anxiety pushes you to crumple it up and throw it in the trash? Isn’t it weird that we can’t be accepted even though we just want to be happy?

[transboysky]

I’ve come to realise that love is a lot more complicated than you would think, it’s not about gender at all. Love is about finding your best friend in someone you would least expect. I found someone that I can’t stop thinking about, they are someone who love being social and the outdoors while I’m have social anxiety and prefer the indoors. Of course I like hanging out with people and exploring nature I just don’t think of it as a hobby or everyday activity unlike my boyfriend. He’s also someone who gives and gives no matter what while I’ve given up on giving to most people. He’s very kind and considerate while I am very open about how I feel about someone. I am also very over protective and tend to overreact while he thinks things through and asks questions. I feel like everyone needs someone who balances them out. Although you can’t be complete opposites, we both are very creative, we enjoy similar shows, we both prefer cuddles over sex, we both sleep in, we both have similar fashion choice. We have a balanced relationship, we also how our problems. I have anxiety and tend to overthink, I feel too clingy all the time and question his love for me, he takes the blame for everything and feels like everything is his fault.  But, we also are there for each other and take time to work through these minor problems. I feel like there is someone for everyone, we all just need to be patient. I was always confused by love but with him it’s less confusing than before. Please don’t put yourself in a relationship where you could be harmed, no one deserves a toxic relationship and if you need any advice at all you can message me! <3

[transboysky]

What could you do as an ally?

Use correct pronouns and names

Keep it a secret unless they say otherwise

Stand up for them

Don’t make jokes that may seem offensive

For birthdays or holidays giving them a binder, makeup, clothes, or if they’re okay with their gender some pride merch or a letter about how they are perfect no matter what

Don’t out them

Help them pick out clothes

Help them find other queer people to relate too

Go to pride with them (if you can)

Hugs

Let them rant

Make them laugh

Be a decent human being

Protect them

If they’re disowned by their family help them find somewhere to stay

Don’t discriminate

[transboysky]

Being Pansexual

It’s kinda a rollercoaster when it comes to feelings, while realising I was pansexual I also realised I was polyamorous. I have way too much love to give. With being pansexual you might not be accepted by straight people and people of the LGBT+ community. This goes for a few others as well, it’s always the “So you like pans?” “So you’re bi?” “Choose a side!” and so many more. I have so many people ask me why and it’s not really something I have an answer for, it’s a feeling. You one day realise that you like more than just guys and girls, you like non-binaries and genderfluid. Over time I just came to accept that gender never really matters when it comes to liking someone for me. It’s not something I tell people much because I’ve never really thought that it impacts my life that much. I feel like gender impacts someone life more than sexuality to a certain extent, my sexuality never was a problem with family really but gender is touching of a very different subject and to others it feels like they’re losing someone when they make the transition.

[transboysky]

Trans Doubts

I watched a movie on netflix the other day, well it actually took me three days to finish because of how upset it made me. It made me question a lot about myself, like if there was something wrong with me. I stuck with those doubts for three days and ended up crying when I opened up to my friend about them. I cried and sobbed, I did my best not to wake up my uncle. I came clean to this friend about how scared I was and how messed up I felt because I felt so different, so alone. She said that I wasn’t crazy, that there was nothing wrong with me. She said that one day I’ll be able to be myself, a boy, in front of the world and smile. That I won’t have dysphoria as much or at all. I thought about this a let out a breath that I had been holding for what seemed like forever. I looked out to the sky and asked if there was something wrong with me, shivers went down my spine but they were almost comforting. I cried again like I’m about to right now. I knew that I wasn’t a mistake, that I was the best me I could be for right now until I can make my full transition. None of us are mistakes, we are all perfectly flawed. Flaws make us interesting because our flaws aren’t flaws, they’re our quirks. Some we may need to let go of but that’s okay, our time here on earth needs us to grow into our best selves. Our best selves are whoever we want to be, or already are. 

[transboysky]

Alright everyone listen up

I am seeing way too much negativity in everyone's posts right now. This makes me really sad to know that so many people are upset. Tumblr is a huge community of people who show affection to everyone no matter what they believe in and that is something huge to be proud of. Don’t be held back by the negative of the world, look within yourself, look at your accomplishments big or small, forget about their being a light at the end of the tunnel because your smile is enough light for millions of people. Your negativity is making you blind to the happiness you create for so many people in your life. You got out of bed today didn’t you? That’s an accomplishment in itself and I am proud of you! <3

[transboysky]

Recent Events

I’ve seen plenty of hate recently revolving around racism. Yes all lives matter, yes we are the human race and we should not be separating each other by color, but people need to understand that right now black lives need to be the focus. We need to understand that burning places down and stealing is only proving that we are almost as bad as the cops who killed George Floyd. We are burning businesses that belong to people of color, what does that make us? If you wanna destroy something in anger grab an axe and some wood and start chopping because violence against anyone is not tolerated here, NO MATTER WHAT. To everyone who is suffering I send my condolences, we need to be there for each other at this time of grief. I may speak up for the LGBT+ community more but now we need to send our attention to the people suffering because of the riots and the police who have become consumed by power. Serve and protect...not destroy. This breaks my heart, knowing that the police force who in my own town I rely on greatly has been so corrupted. I hope that something changes soon before more people get killed. To those who have lost someone I know I will be grieving with you, we all lost someone or something due to recent events. You’ve lost family, friends, aquaitences, and we all lost respect for our country.

[transboysky]

Daily life of someone who is trans

It’s not very different than the daily life of someone who is cis. You go about your normal daily life except when it comes to using public bathrooms, shoping for clothes when you still transitioning, and body dysphoria. Now the bathroom problem is usually simple to fix, use it right when you leave or use a family bathroom, or you can try to hold it of course. Bathrooms are still either way a bit of a problem in life either way because not every place has a family bathroom. Now clothes shopping should be too different right? Well, people may make comments or tell you you’re in the wrong section, this would make you uncomfortable of course. Body dysphoria isn’t a problem with every transgender person but I know that it’s a pain for a lot. You could have a panic attack, you feel a disconnection from your body, and overall you just feel a lot of emotions because you are not in the right body. One day some of our issues will go away forever, we’ll get through this together.

[transboysky]

When I stop to think about my life in ten to fifteen years

In that amount of time I will have started T, gotten top surgery, have written my story for the public, and have pushed through my depression, anxiety, and every other disorder I live with. That is my hope but I can only make this happen by believing that I can. I’ll be emancipated at sixteen, go to the doctors and start T, at twenty one I will get top surgery, by twenty four my story will be told, and by thirty I will have made it through the darkest part of my disorders. If I ever lose my hope this will be the post I’ll come back to because this is the post where I believed I could and will help me to remember that I still can.

[transboysky]

What hurts the most

It hurts the absolute most when you realise that someone who you have wanted in your life and now have back may not accept you and just up and leave. Just because I am your son and not your daughter like you thought doesn’t make me any less your child. I pray that one day I can tell you the real me and that you won’t push me away because I am terrified to loose you. When I reached out to family I lost I only intended to find my sister and any other siblings, now I want to experience life with all of you. In the back of my mind I keep saying “Come out before she/dead name is locked into their brains” But I can’t! Why does the one I want to call me their son so bad have such negative views about who i want to tell them I am? 

[transboysky]

Coming out to some of my family

I have come out to my uncle and my grandmother on my fathers side. my uncle had a few weird reactions before I officially came out to him. When I tried to get men's clothing he got angry and kept telling me no. When I still thought I was bigender I came out and he got into this argument with me that it shouldn’t be scientifically possible. Then when I told him I was trans he said I was crazy and told me to brush my teeth. It still hurt me...a lot, I’m still hurting now. I hope he can understand one day that this is who I am. When I told him I was pansexual he just asked why and how like it was the weirdest thing in the world. Now, when I came out to my grandmother she was supportive and even talked about one of her co-workers who was trans. I was glad she was okay with it but name and pronouns haven’t been changed yet. She said that my Dad may not accept me right away but that his wife and that my sister would be fine with it. I was kinda set back and thought that if he really wants to be in my life shouldn’t that be the last thing he would be worried about? Either way I know it could have gone much worse so I’m happy with the outcome.

[transboysky]

The mental struggles I went through being trans

I was happy when I finally discovered myself but it was only for a moment. I had to look out to society and realise I didn’t have a place out there just yet, I had to be careful. Who knows if I got kicked out, hurt, or killed because of something I cannot control. I realised I would have to fight to get on T, to get a binder, to have people use my correct name and pronouns, to pass, to be happy. I had to think about coming out to people whose opinions on the subject I didn’t know, what if they walked away, what if they sent me away, what if the beat me or don’t accept me? I remember being completely scared of my uncle and even just writing the note I was shaking. You never really understand this fear unless you have been there scared that you won’t be loved anymore. Cis male straight white people don’t know what that kind of fear is like. Don’t try to say I’m wrong because I’m not. Yes everyone has been hurt in there lives but you wanna know something? The constitution states that MEN have rights, it says nothing about the LGBT+ community or people of color. It says nothing about women or people of different races or religions. That is why we fight...I won’t stop fighting I promise you that.

[transboysky]

5 posts!

[transboysky]

My friends reaction

Most of my friends were perfectly fine with it and repeatedly apologized when they messed up with my name or pronouns. Now there were two friends of mine who didn’t react too well to the news. The first we’ll call H. H was a close friend but not too close, when I came out she was fine with it but on the bus she started getting agitated. She called me by my deadname seemingly on purpose and started talking about having to legalize my name before people have to use it. This pissed me off. I got in a fight with her about being a decent human being and she told me to suck my uncles d*ck and said that I probably do it with him often. We didn’t speak much after that. Recently she’s been talking about how much she misses me and I just can’t fathom how she can even think that time will heal those wounds. Now the second friend we’ll call E. E and I have been friends since first grade, when I came out to her she wasn’t too happy about it. She said that she wouldn’t use my name because the change was too sudden and she was prepared for it. I almost cried when she said that. That really hurt me, the fact that she turned herself into the victim when I barely could even whisper to her when I came out. I haven’t talked with either H or E much since, it just really hurt me and I don’t want to seem weak. I do miss them though.

[transboysky]

When I officially came out to my school

I emailed my teachers all at once and asked to be called Skyler and to be called he/his/him. They were all really supportive. They started calling me by Skyler and using my pronouns but a lot of other students made jokes. They said they didn't have to call me Skyler because I hadn't legally changed my name. I also started having hearing problems which created tension between one of my teachers and I. I never heard her say my name which lead her to thinking I was messing around with her. This hurt because I tried explaining that my hearing was bad but she wouldn’t hear it. I ended up with a detention which sucked. There’s this one kid who absolutely hates me, has since kindergarten. He makes jokes about how he was gonna change his name to je-sus (pronounced hey-sus) and kept asking questions during class about what was in my pants. It really just hurt me and I skipped class the next day. Now I wish I would’ve stood up for myself but back then it was hard. I grew up the freak of the class so I never really had a voice in anything. One day I was asked why I wanted a dick by another dude, I was set back a little because I didn’t expect him to be so blunt. I said it wasn’t his business and that unless he himself was born a girl wanting to be a boy or vice versa he would struggle to understand. He just laughed at me and onlookers stared. I hid in the bathroom between classes then on. Now, I usually leave my backpack in class when I go to the bathroom or outside the stall. My phone is always inside but one day it wasn’t. I looked everywhere and when I went to the office they said they found it in the trash. I never took it out of my bag that day. Now I always keep my bag right next to me just incase. I leave it in my next class or take it in the stall with me. The last straw was when people would take my food, I would go up to get utensils but when I returned my food was gone. I went to the school about it and it was addressed immediately. That was the last of it between people who I wasn’t close with at school.

[transboysky]

When I learned about LGBT+

Sixth grade was absolutely awful, but it’s also when I realized I wasn’t completely crazy! In class the topic of LGBT+ came up and we were taught about gay, lesbian, and bisexual. Now I thought I was bisexual because I had liked both girls and guys, I would later find out that I was wrong! Anyways, I had decided to just come out and tell my uncle who is my legal guardian and he just ignored me kinda, I sent him a coming out song. I thought, well I guess that’s good since he didn’t yell at me. Either way it was a really bad idea. Come seventh grade I have done some research and saw that pansexual was a thing. I kinda just stared at the small difference and shrugged, I had never been attracted to another gender other than the binary so I really can’t say I’m pan. Welp, then I was online some more and I realized that non-binary people were hot as f*ck...I’m pansexual guys...I mean come on! Someone must agree that nbs’ are hot! Moving on, I still didn’t understand the gender-queer side so I kinda just stared in confusion until eighth grade. That’s when shit got real. I learned a lot more from friends about what it means to be transgender or non-binary or something along those lines. Although all I got out of that was that I’m both a girl and a guy! I’m bigender! No, no I was not, I was and will always be transgender. But I obviously didn’t know that.