Transcending Self

A photo and interview project by photographer Annie Tritt (www.annietritt.com). Transcending Self tells stories of transgender and nonbinary youth around the world. 

[transcending-self]

Davi, 20, Oakland, Calif. Gender neutral. 

1-When I finally figured out my true gender, I was around 17 years old. Inside, I always felt different, but didn’t know why. When I was in elementary and middle school, I felt that I didn’t belong with my peers (at the time I only thought that there was boy and girl). I felt I could not relate and I felt that I didn’t really want to be around people because it was too hard to connect --- after trying with so much effort I was tired of trying. Something that added to my level of not understanding myself, I have a Central Auditory Processing Disorder, which means I have a harder time processing information that I hear. Having this challenge has made it hard to understand myself as a young child because I couldn’t process what I felt inside on top of it already being hard to understand who we are without challenges.

2-Before I came out with my true gender, I came out as a lesbian to my parents a few years before. I came out as a lesbian because I have always been in an open family, but I only knew about gay and lesbian, so that is what I came out as. This label still didn’t seem to fit me, so I verbally expressed my true gender to my mom first when I was 17. But, as a child, I grew up expressing that I didn’t want to lean towards one gender, but I didn’t know it. My mom says she could tell that there was something different in the way I expressed myself than the other kids around me.

3-When I first came out as transgender, I came out as gender neutral because I didn’t know what I felt, but I knew I felt different inside so, I just thought it would easier until I figured the rest out. After I came out, I did a lot of exploring, meaning I identified more male, but then I realized that didn’t fit right, so I went back to identifying as gender neutral. I have been identifying as gender neutral ever since.

4-Many people around me have been supportive, they want me to be me and to be happy. I have had a few people who have been unsupportive, but that came a lot from not understanding or lack of knowledge, so I tried to help teach them and sometimes they started to support me, but then other times they have remained unsupportive. When this has happened, I have done my best to rub it off and not think too much about it.

5-I have faced the challenge of being illegally terminated from one of my jobs due to my gender identity. The people I worked with felt uncomfortable with me as a person, so they just fired me so they didn’t need to be around their uncomfort of me.

6-A few things I want people to know about me is that I am an athlete in many different sports, such as: gymnastics, skiing, swimming, biking, tennis and more. Another thing I want people to know about me is that I am from Switzerland and speak a variety of languages.

7-Some of my hopes and dreams are to become a surgeon or something in the health or science field. I have always wanted to be a doctor and has always been interested in human anatomy and physiology.

8-In my experience being gender neutral, means that I feel very much in the middle and don’t always belong, but also I feel that I am always pushing the gender binary boxes out of the way to not let anything define me and that feels amazing. It is not always easy to be gender neutral because we live in a binary world and I can feel invisible. I try to be loud and proud, so people know I am here and gender neutral folk exist.

9-I feel that we are stuck in a binary world because have been for thousands of years. I don’t think that gender neutral folk can be accepted by the majority of people in this world until there is complete gender equality amongst the gender binary. I know this sounds horrible and I hate how it sounds, but many people in this world only know the gender binary and that is what the gender inequalities are based from. Women in some cases can still be underpaid due to being a woman and they used to not be able to go to school, vote, drive, but were stay at home moms and that is what they did.

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Chloe, 20, Cork, Ireland. Transgender woman. 

1. I think I was about 6 or 7 when I first understood that my gender mattered. I remember going shopping with my mom and my sister in our local toy store for babies and trying to make it as obvious as possible that we weren't buying the dolls for ourselves, we would say loudly 'I wonder if Chloe would like this one.' We were afraid we would meet a child in one of our classes or meet a family friend and have to explain that we played with a toy that was by default gendered a ''girls'' toy. It wasn't until my teenage years that I fully felt uncomfortable with my gender and it took me until I was 19 to fully realize that something had to change for me to feel comfortable in myself.

2-After coming out I had huge diaspora and struggled hugely leaving the house and speaking when I was out in public. There were moments where I would feel like I was doing the right thing and moments I thought I was going crazy. Gradually, over time, I started to feel the benefits of being true to myself. Everything felt natural to me, the clothes fitted my body better, my hair getting longer suited me more. I have started growing more as a person.  

5. My mother is my biggest support, she has been there through the good and the bad days. Some family members have struggled, but most are trying which is all I ask. My friends were the least phased when I came out and quickly adjusted to the new name and pronouns.

6. The biggest challenge I have faced has probably been the public scrutiny, hateful comments, misgendering, hateful videos being made of myself and my sister (she has a transgender older sister).  Living in a body that you feel doesn't fully belong to you yet, is extremely painful, but dealing with people who think you are disgusting and sick is mentally draining.

7. I am perfectly imperfect and proud.

8. I hope someday I can have a family and be an unconditionally loving mother, just like mine has been to me.

9. We are equal members of society and deserve the same respect as anyone else.

11. What has been the hardest?

Losing family. The depression. Daily anxiety. misgendering in the workplace. The abuse.

12. I understand that my gender does not define me or who I am. I refuse to let gender roles and female/male privilege control me. We have used gender for centuries to overpower each other and use our gender as an excuse to get out of doing things that we would prefer not to do. Your gender should not be affected in the workplace, in society, in bathrooms, in relationships. Your gender is your own personal identity.

[transcending-self]

Olivia*, 5, Bay Area, California. Transgender girl.

Olivia’s* mom-

From the age of two we saw enough feminine traits that we joked, our child may be gay.

Our older child came out as transgender, when Olivia was four.  She (Olivia) immediately said she was transgender too. Diane Ehrensaft, a children's gender specialist, in the area, suggested that she was not content being the same gender as her brother she wanted to change like her brother had changed. Therefore, we allowed her to pick and choose what she wanted. For instance, she chose to be Shimmer from Shimmer and Shine, a kids show about genies on Nick Jr, for Halloween.  She remains consistent, insistent, and  persisted for over 11 months, when she demanded to socially transition.

Our five year old daughter told us that she wanted to choose her "forever name" (a quote right out of the book I am Jazz), and she wanted to grow her hair very, very long, wear girl sparkly dresses, and pick her name from "the list." She asked for she/her pronouns.  She said she wanted to go to school the next day as herself, so we should call the teachers, and let them know.

I think our daughter is elated to be expressing herself as a trans girl.  I have no idea if this how she will always feel, but she claims that's the case. She can't wait for her hair to grow, and enter kindergarten as a long haired girl.  Our five year old girl is interested in making potions, painting, high heels, makeup, fashion, maps, trains, pushing her brother's buttons (and ours), climbing, dancing, bouncing, talking, and baking.

5.  Have people you know been supportive?

It's been a challenge, because everyone quickly assumes she just is mimicking her brother.  He has received a lot of attention, acclaim, and praise for being so brave and asking to transition.

It's easy to assume that a five year old, that still has imaginary thinking, could be playing out what she has seen as an option. Switching your name, clothes, pronouns, and gender are not typical scenarios that siblings witness.

People really try to remember the name and pronouns and apologize when they make a mistake.  She boldly calls people on it, and corrects them.

6.  What challenges have you, or your child, faced with respect to being transgender?

I've felt the difference in my daughter transitioning to my son, vs. my son transitioning to my daughter.  I noticed how much more uncomfortable it is to have a transgender daughter.  I know that is because of our society, but I felt that in myself and then was angry I felt such emotions.

Our daughter is so smart.  She is an observer and learner.  She is a strong willed precocious and determined.  She wants to be herself and also feel safe and loved.  Our daughter is super sensitive, and very picky and particular. She is a force to be reckoned with, and she is truly spectacular.  She is silly, witty, sharp, and a monkey. Being transgender is simply one aspect of her, and definitely not the most interesting.

10-What would help someone better understand what it means to be transgender?

Go out and meet a transgender person.  That isn't what is extraordinary about that person, it's just one aspect.

Photo by Annie Tritt  *name changed at the familiy’s request. 

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Jay and Rosie,5,(twins), Luton, England. Transgender boy and Cisgender girl. Part 2. 

3.How did you or your child express it? Can you recount that experience?

Mostly it would come up when he was addressed with female pronouns, from around 3.5 he started correcting people and we would pretend to laugh it off, telling people to just go with it. He asked to only wear boys clothes soon after his 4 th birthday – the feminist in me was a little jarred by my kid thinking there are ‘boys’ clothes and ‘girls’ clothes after all of my attempts to raise them thinking otherwise haha! But he wanted to be perceived as male, so off to the shops we went. Then one day when Jay was almost 4.5 we were in the car and he said out of the blue “Mummy, can you ask people to stop calling me ‘she’ and ‘her’ now, it makes me sad.” This was the real turning point, we had to make a decision to support him and to change pronouns, up until then it was ‘just’ clothes and he was ‘just’ a tomboyish girl. At that stage he hadn’t mentioned a name change, so we had an awkward (for me! Jay was overjoyed at us using ‘he’ and ‘him’!) a few months of using his birth name alongside male pronouns. Then in May this year he asked why we had called him Lily; we explained that when I was pregnant and the doctors looked into my tummy to check the babies were okay, that they told us we were having two girls, so we chose names that are usually given to girls and that went together – Rose and Lily. We told him Lily could be a boy’s name because he was a boy, but he decided he would like a name which would be seen as a boy’s name, and settled on Jay (J for John, like daddy’s name).

4. Jay says he is so happy to be addressed using his male name and pronouns, sometimes he gets a little sad at being misgendered (he has long hair) but mostly he is happy to just correct people and carry on. He loves knowing that people who are important to him see him as male, and absolutely beams when those he loves most use male orientated terms of endearment. He will sometimes seek reassurance from me that everyone in our lives definitely knows he’s a boy, and when I confirm again that they do, I can see how happy that makes him.

5. Almost everyone has been supportive, including some people who admit they don’t understand but want to fully support us anyway. The main area we felt we were lacking in support was from our church. We would have liked to have been given the opportunity to try and educate them, and feel that had we been able to do so there were people who were open to hearing us out. But unfortunately the leadership –whilst mixed in opinions – overall, decided that the best they could do was avoid pronoun use at all. We felt after 3 years at this church and with friendships involved, this didn’t go far enough, and that we should have been able to address the church as a whole to give people the chance to ask questions and learn about our situation. We gave the leadership an ultimatum – we would leave if Jay couldn’t be supported fully – and so in the end we had to move to a different church. Not long after that, Jay requested his name be changed from his birth name to Jay, and our new church community embraced his chosen name with so much love and acceptance. Some of our family have struggled to get their heads around the idea but wouldn’t want to upset Jay, so are trying to be supportive. Our network of friends has been incredibly accepting and almost everyone we know uses his correct name and pronouns without any slip ups – including all of the children, who have taken it in their stride!

Photo by Annie Tritt

[transcending-self]

Jay and Rosie, 5, (twins), Luton, England. Transgender boy and cisgender girl. Part 1

1. I think I had a feeling from quite early on that this was something we needed to pay attention to. I tried to talk to my husband about it when Jay was 3 and a bit, but the conversation did not go well. I had started to feel that this wasn’t going to go anywhere and we had to actually deal with it, it was around this time I did what I do best and threw myself wholeheartedly into educating myself! My husband struggled in part due to his faith, and also because he felt Jay was too young to make a decision about something like this, that we might be encouraging gender confusion if we avoided telling him he was a girl. I felt like this wasn’t a decision for Jay, any more than our cisgender daughter Rosie ‘decided’ she was a girl. My husband is slow to process things, but in the end agreed to do some reading when Jay had just turned 4, and had a real lightbulb moment whilst looking through The Transgender Child (by Stephanie Brill and Rachel Pepper). Jay says he has always known.

2. At what age did you or your child first express that to someone? How did that feel? How did you know to trust this?

Around 2.5yrs old, the twins were both starting to talk more and had begun identifying / separating themselves and other people out by their gender. We assumed he was a tomboy and thought it was cute that he liked Batman, etc. We’ve always tried to be fairly gender neutral with toys and clothes, not wanting societal expectations around gender to restrict their individuality or choices. But then he continued to say he was a boy – he became increasingly distressed at people calling him a girl and using female pronouns. He said he was a boy with the same certainty as his sister said she was a girl. I didn’t want to trust it in a way because that meant committing to starting that journey, exposing our family to judgement from others. We are already a family who doesn’t follow the mainstream in some ways and I knew this might be seen as something we had ‘encouraged’ with our parenting approach. In the end though you have no choice, you have to just follow where your child leads and remember that their emotional wellbeing is more important than other people’s misconceptions, and more important than your own pride or discomfort. We’ve always wanted our children to be able to feel good about themselves, one of the reasons we home educate is to give them that space to explore who they are – without the pressure to conform and fit in.

Photo by Annie Tritt

[transcending-self]

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Jay and Rosie, 5, (twins). Luton,  England. Transgender boy and cisgender girl  

[transcending-self]

Azaj,17, Oakland, Calif. Transgender Girl. part 2

6. Being Transgender is hard because I never know how I will be treated or how it will affect what I want in life. Some people are really supportive, but others are really rude. There was one time me and my friends went out for lunch and at the restaurant one of the servers went out her way to call me sir. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t feel she was being rude until she did not greet anyone else like that. Moments like that makes it feel so painful to be transgender, the constant reminders that I am different than what I am trying to be really sucks. There has been really great rewards as well. I am an intern at Salesforce through the program Genesys Works, and it is crazy. I am 17 years old, transgender and an intern at Salesforce a company that embraces every part of me. It means a lot to me because it is very rare that you find people that support you so for me to be at a company where everyone is cheering me on is great.  

7. I am a lover. I want to spread love everywhere I go. I want to see me and think of my struggles. I want to be the reason people fight to be who they are. I love myself and I know who I am at the moment. I feel like I have a reason to live. I know I will do great things and I want to be the person that girls like me look up too. I no longer feel like I can’t do things, it’s more like how am I going to get it done.

8.  I have a lot that I want to do. I want to make sure the world does not take as long as it did to be open to gay and bi people. I want to model, singer, dancer, actor and interior designer. I hope that I am able to help girls like me so they don’t go through what I did. I want to be the strong and beautiful woman I picture when I look to the future. I want to slay the gods 100 times over doing things that Trans girls have never done. I want to be the face of equality.    

9. What would help someone better understand what it means to be transgender?

That it is not a choice, although we do choose to transition. Being transgender does not mean you have to be super feminine or masculine. It means that you do not identify with the gender you were born. It is not gay. Sexuality and Gender are very different, you can be transgender and still be gay, bi or straight. We are just people who understand both sides of life because we have life on both sides of the spectrum. Call us as we tell you to not as you see us.  

Photo by Annie Tritt

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Azaj,17, Oakland, Calif. Transgender girl. Part 1

1-As long as I can remember I always knew I was a girl. I was just very feminine, not because I tried to be, but because it was just natural. I remember when I was in elementary school everything was separated by girl and boy, it was confusing for me because I was a boy physically, but was a girl with my heart, mind and soul. It was not until I was in the 6th grade that I came across the term transgender and when I did so many questions I had started to be answered. I finally felt like I knew who I am. I knew I could trust it because it made me feel complete, that confused feeling was no longer there, but it was still a secret.

2.  It was not until I was in the 10th grade that I came out as transgender. I was really difficult because I was so used to hiding myself, but when my friends gave me the courage I needed I was unstoppable. I was finally being myself. I was wearing make-up and the clothes I wanted to wear. I truly believe I was a happier person once I came out. I started to regain that light I lost as kid. I wanted to spread my pretty colors everywhere! I had to show everyone that I had found my place in this world and that is anywhere I choose to be.

4. It is really different living as myself. I never thought that this would be happening. Before I felt like I was always trying to squeeze into jeans that were 6 sizes too small, but now it feels like am in jeans that were made just for me. I don’t feel uncomfortable. I am not always sad or overly upset. I am free. I now feel like I have a purpose. I no longer wake up hating myself or this world that does not understand me. I wake up with a smile, not because my life is so great, but because I love who I am. We will not hide anymore!

5. Have people you know been supportive?

Yes, I have a really great support system. My friends and family loves me for me and I am so grateful, but I mean not everyone I have told supports me.  It is something that comes with being transgender. People come and go in life and it hurts, however life goes on. I was told by my aunt that I am not in charge of anyone’s happiness, but my own. I strongly agree! If you support me I have room your opinions and ideas, but if you don’t you should have nothing to say about what I am or what I do in my life.  

Photo by Annie Tritt

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Zak, Isle of Wight, England. Transgender boy. Part 3

 Have people you know been supportive? 

Zak: Yes, very no one sees me any different to anyone else.  I have encountered no negativity at all.  My friends accepted me instantly and did their best to remember my new name and use male pronouns. Everyone understood and my closest friends weren't surprised. One friend already saw me as a boy anyway.  My friends have been great. I wasn't worried about telling my friends, but to be honest, I felt so secure in how I felt about my gender that I just didn't care what they would think. I didn't think my extended family would be supportive and I'm so happy that they are. It makes me happy because I wasn't expecting it.

Mom: Surprisingly so.  I thought I would lose "friends" because of it, but I haven't everyone has been great.  I was expecting problems from my father-in- law, but actually he gets on better now with Zak than he has ever done. I'm hoping that this means that the days of finger pointing, laughing and creating comedy out of transgender are far behind us. We have experienced no negativity at all which has been a huge relief.  I thought we would encounter more prejudice than we have.

6.  What challenges have you, or your child, faced with respect to being transgender?

Zak: My biggest challenge is my body.  I have to see my female body. I cover it up as much as possible, I wear shorts and t-shirt in the bath to hide my body from myself.  My body makes me feel sad and disappointed. It's not the body it should be.  I wear a binder and I know I have to be careful not to wear it too much and I worry that it will cause damage and I won't be able to have top surgery. I wouldn't leave the house without it as I know I wouldn't pass as male. I also wear it because it makes me feel more masculine. I don't like to talk about my body, it's deformed.

Mish: We currently have a particularly unhelpful GP, it took a lot to get a referral to Tavistock gender identity clinic.  Whenever we go to ask for something we're instantly told "No"! I'm desperate for Zak not to start his period.  I know that he will find them very distressing and there will be nothing I can do to make it better for him, but our GP won't even begin to investigate if there is anything that can be done to prevent this happening until Zak can get his appointment. There is currently a 9 month waiting list.  Being transgender does give Zak anxiety.  I think he's worried that he's not going to pass and he doesn't feel that he particularly belongs with either gender.  I think it will help when he gets testosterone, but that is so many years away.  To be honest, I don't know what challenges he faces, because he won't talk about it.  If I ask him, he just says he's fine, even though it's obvious that he's not.  He opens up to his sister Daisy more than me.  I know he's been suicidal in the past, and I worry, really worry that this will all be too much for him, and it will drive him to take his own life.  I've worried about that since he was about 5 he's always looked on the bleak side of things.  But I guess when you live a life that you don't know where you fit, and you can't make sense of it, and it's not been the easiest of life anyway, even without the transgender, that there is always going to be the risk that eventually you break.  That is my biggest fear.

7. What do you want people to know about you or your child or you? What is special about you or your child? Zak: I don't know I don't think I'm special, I'm just me.  The only thing I want them to know is that I'm a boy. I don't care what they know. Mish: I want them to know he is awesome.  He has faced so many challenges in life, and somehow he's still standing.  He's so strong, much stronger than he knows, and one day he's going to make someone an incredible husband/partner.  I don't care whether people know he's transgender or not. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it just is.  He's a person, he shouldn't be defined by his gender, none of us should be, he should be defined by his thoughts and actions. He's very caring, wise and mature and I'm so proud of him. 8.  What are some of you or your child’s hopes and dreams?   That I have a complete male body. To be a musician.  To be happy.  I would like to be a dad. I'd like to travel, see the beaches of the world. Mom: He hopes to have the body of a man. He wants facial and body hair, he wants to look and feel like the male that he is, and I am certain he will want all surgeries possible to make this happen.  He wants to be a musician, he's not talking about being a rock star, he's happy to busk, or play the club circuit, he doesn't expect great things for himself, but he hopes to be happy, and I hope that for him too, with all my heart. 10-What would help someone better understand what it means to be transgender? Zak: I think being transgender is the only true way to understand what it is like to live everyday in a body you hate.  In simple terms I explain I have a boys brain in a girls body.  It is a disgust of the body that I have and a total need to have a male body. My whole life is blighted by it, it never leaves I'm always confronted by it because I have to live in a body that is not mine. It's like when you have a spelling mistake in a word and it changes the meaning of the word completely, well that's what it has done to my life.

Mish: That they understand this is not a choice. That it is nothing to do with sexuality, "perverts" or simply putting on clothes of the opposite gender. How we teach this I don't know. However there are so many misconceptions regarding transgender that this message must get through. It is the misconceptions of others that makes life so difficult for people who are transgender.

11-What have been some of the greatest challenges of being transgender? Zak: I don't like going to the bathrooms or anything that states gender as I don't feel I qualify as either yet. I know I am male but I feel outcasted. I don't feel like I have the right to be either gender and I don't know how far along in the process I will have to  be to be considered as a man. mom:  Before we went public, I thought I would say the opinion of others, but others really don't mind, so I guess our GP, and Zak's own insecurities, all of which can be combatted in time. 12- What is it about being transgender that enables you to see/understand things that cisgender people can't?

Zak: People don't understand when they're being offensive. I'm asked really private questions and they don't understand how it could be an awkward or sensitive topic for me. I'm regularly reffered to as a he-she, not out of ignorance but lack of understanding. For me personally I find this rather amusing, however at times this can hit home. 

Photo by Annie Tritt

[transcending-self]

Zak,13, Isle of Wight, England. Transgender boy. Part 2

5. How did you express it?  Can you recount that experience? 

Zak: I was on a bus. I don't recall too much as I had been thinking about my gender for some time it all blends a bit.  I told my mum and my big sister first.  We were talking about sexuality and my transgender aunt. I thought this was a good opportunity to tell them how I was feeling.  I didn't worry about telling my mum and sister, I knew they would be accepting, there had been no issues when I thought I was gay, they accepted my aunt being transgender, I didn't think they would be upset or anything.  To me it was never a big deal.  I hadn't changed, I just knew now that I was a boy.  I felt exactly the same, just that now it made sense. My mum told my dad, I was more worried about him knowing.  I was worried that he would be angry because he would be upset by it. I was concerned that he wouldn't be accepting of the situation and that he wouldn't love me. When I knew my dad was okay about it all it felt really good.  I was also worried what my grandparents would think, but they have been very accepting too, and I have a much better relationship with one of my grandads because of it, as he understands me more now, and can relate to me better. I thought everyone would just think it was a phase, and I was worried that my family would do nothing, and make no changes. 

I wanted to instantly live like a boy.  I was disappointed when my mum said we should do counseling first.  I wanted to live like a boy and change my name, I didn't want to talk about my feelings, I'd been trying to understand them for 8 years, finally now I did understand them, I felt the last thing I needed was counseling. The counseling did nothing, I was very clear about who I was and what gender I was.   Mom: I should remember it, it should have been one of the most momentous conversations of my life, but it wasn't and I don't.  My sister-in-law had just gone public that she was transgender, and so this had been something of a lightbulb moment for Zak.  Apparently we were on a bus when Zak told me. Karl, my husband wasn't with me at the time.  My vague memory was that he said something like, "well you know Paris is transgender, well I think I am too".  There was no shock when he told me, as I say I'd expected it for 8 years, but I really didn't want it to be true.  I accepted what he said, there was no argument, no "you can't be", and I must have told him that I loved him for whoever he is, because I do.  I probably said that it didn't matter to me what gender he is, because he is here, I can talk to him, touch him, hold him and that is the most important thing in the world, nothing else matters and that is true too. However, at the same time I still didn't want it to be real.  It made sense of his behaviour. He was 12 in the middle of puberty and he was certainly not doing any of the female things that usually kicked in when puberty started, no make up, no wanting a bra no desperately trying to look older than he was, no obsessing about periods. I knew it was far more logical that it was because he was a boy not a girl. I certainly didn't feel like my world was collapsing around me, or anything like this, and I knew this was about Zak, not about me. I wanted him to know that we would always support him no matter what.

4 How did it feel , (or do you think your child felt), when you were living as your true gender other than the one assigned at birth?

Zak: very happy and I felt right and I felt free and I felt like me for a change.  I has always had long hair as a girl, it was the best feeling in the world when I had my hair cut.  I knew I didn't look entirely like a boy, but more so than I had.  I felt that is was definitely the start of process, a journey and I was getting there.  I had very distorted expectations though, and thought that I would be able to have hormones and operations straight away. I felt annoyed when I realised how long the process was really going to be.  I feel really upset that I can't have the body that I want.  The process is too long, and I can't have the hormones that I need.  I hate looking like this, I hate the body that I have, I want it to transform, and it is wrong that I have to wait until I'm an adult. I know very well that I'm male, and yet I'm treated like a young child as though I don't know my own mind, when I've never been so sure of anything.  I think that children should be allowed to have hormones and operations before puberty, I think it's unfair to expect transgender children to live in the wrong body. I believe that it should be against my human rights to force me to live with a body that is the wrong gender.  I do think that a case should be brought to the court of human rights to make it so that young people shouldn't be forced to live like this. Over the past 11 months I have transitioned so that I live as a boy.  I wear a binder but you can't wear it all the time.  I worry that if I wear it too much that I wont be able to have an operation to remove my breasts, but at the same time I don't want to not wear it as I feel more masculine. I would never leave the house without wearing it.  I use an STP and packer, but I feel it's wrong that I need one at all.  I do feel more like a boy, however I do struggle to use the STP and it makes me frustrated because this should never be a problem because I shouldn't need one.  I don't feel that I pass as a male because I don't look particularly masculine. I don't know what people think when they see me.  I worry what people think, but it kills me inside that when people look at me they may see a girl.

Mom: I wasn't ready to make any major changes straight away, I didn't want to do anything until after he'd had counselling, I wanted to know that this was real. However, he did want his hair cut short, so I agreed to that.  Slowly, over the next 11 months he transitioned into Zak.  The hair cut was followed by more boys clothes, getting rid of all girls clothes, using male toilets, name change, STP and packer devices.  I have become fiercely protective of him and have had many a run in with our GP already. All I want is for him to be happy, if he's happy living as a male then that's fine by me.  If he ever changes his mind (not that I expect him to) that is equally okay, and I have told him that.  I don't want him to think that because we have started on a journey that we have to continue on it, if it turns out that he's gone the wrong way.  I initially told my best friend, my sister and sister in law, and a transgender friend.  I then told my parents and my in-laws.  Everyone else found out by a big Facebook announcement that I made.  I was not concerned what people thought, I didn't care what people thought all I cared about was Zak and his happiness.  I know that he is much happier now that he presents as a boy than as a girl.  However he is disgusted by his female body parts and even has a bath in shorts and t-shirt.  I worry that puberty will bring so many unwanted changes that he will find it difficult to cope, whilst he lives as a boy he's happy.

Photo by Annie Tritt

[transcending-self]

Zak 13, Isle of Wight, England. Transgender boy. Part 1

1-At what age did you, or your child, first understand you or your (child’s) true gender? Zak: 12, but I knew I was not a girl by the age of 5, but I didn’t know what I was. I had looked at other girls my age, I realized that I was nothing like them.  Their behavior confused me, I hated the way they copied each other, and boys didn’t do that.  Most of my friends were boys, I didn’t want to play with the girls and to be honest they wouldn’t allow me to play with them.  I was bullied a lot by many of the girls, I guess that I just didn’t fit in.  I didn’t want to wear girls clothing, or shoes.  I hated that everything seemed to be pink, and boys clothing seemed cooler.  I felt trapped when I wore girls clothing. Everything felt tight on me and ill fitting. In boys clothes I felt that the clothes fit me better, I had more room in them and they looked so much better.  I was quick to find fault with girls clothes and used them as a reason to take them off. By the time I was 5 or 6 I wanted to be a boy, I didn’t think I was because I knew I had a girl’s body, I wanted to have a boy’s body with boys body parts.   When I was 12 I realized that transgender was a thing. My aunt had come out as being transgender, and it was an automatic light bulb moment, I instantly thought that I could be.  I did some research and thought about it for about a month, but I didn’t really need that time, I knew the minute I knew about transgender.  As soon as I knew I was excited, because I finally felt that I fitted somewhere. 

Zak’s mom:  He was 12 when he first realized that transgender was a thing, and that he was a boy not a girl.  I had suspected it since he was 4, however, I felt if I talked to him about it that perhaps that I would be putting ideas into his head, ideas I didn’t want.  I didn’t want him to be transgender, I wanted him to be a “normal” little girl.  I don’t know if I did the right thing.  Maybe he would have been happier if I had spoken with him and he had transitioned earlier.  If he had ever come to me as a younger child and said he was a boy I would have gone with it, but I didn’t want to plant ideas that were not his. I didn’t want to lead him down the wrong road, and confuse him more and then he would have to say, ‘I don’t know why you did this to me, because I’m a girl!’ At least this way I’ll never have to worry that it was something I did. To him, he was born with a girl’s body, so he was a girl, he didn’t have the right body parts to be a boy, and so it never crossed his mind that he could be.  He did however know that he was terribly unhappy at being born a girl, and that he never felt like a girl.  I really started to see him struggle with this from the age of 4.  He would ask for boys clothing and wearing them gave him so much joy, by the time he was 5 he was refusing to wear any girls clothing at all, including underwear.  He had no idea why he just hated everything about being female. I remember how thrilled he was the first time someone mistook him for a boy, he was 6 years old, and I’ll never forget the huge smile that spread across his face.  I remember how happy he was the first time he had his hair cut, but still he didn’t know.   

2. At what age did you or your child first express that to someone? How did that feel?  How did you know to trust this?

Zak: I was 12. I felt happy that I understood who I was and that there was finally something I could identify with. I was relieved that I wasn’t just a weirdo and that I had a reason for feeling the way that I did.  I was also relieved that my family was accepting. But to be honest, I didn’t think there was anything to accept. Once I knew I was transgender I knew I couldn’t live as a girl.   I had spent years trying to work myself out, finding somewhere I had fitted, I thought that I was gay when I was about 10, but as I realized I was transgender, it made sense, I’m straight, I’m a straight guy in a girl’s body. I wanted to tell everyone I was a boy, though I wish I didn’t have to tell anyone I was transgender, because I wish I could have just been born into the correct body.   Mom: I guess you could say he’d been expressing it since he was 4 with the choices he was making regarding clothes, activities etc.  However, I was choosing to ignore it, hoping it would go away, hoping that he was just a “Tom boy” and that it would all change when he got older, and that we would become my little girl.  He was 12 when he told me. It wasn’t something that he’d known for years, but it was something I had.  I wasn’t surprised, but I was upset. I didn’t want this and I wasn’t prepared to just accept, I didn’t want to lose my little girl.  I wasn’t sure if he really was transgender, even though he had always gravitated towards “boys” toys and clothing.  I’d tried to get him into girls clothes and sometimes he’d wear them, but it was always short lived, soon he’d be back in the boys clothes. I’ll try again then he wouldn’t wear them.  I can see now that this was him trying to fit in, trying to be a girl, I saw every purchase as hope.  We bought him a big box of make-up in the hope that it would encourage him to be girlie, that he’d want to look pretty I don’t think any of it was ever used, except by his big sister.  Despite years of this I wanted him to be a girl.  Once Zak had told me that he thought he was transgender, the first thing I did was organize some counselling, I was hoping they were going to say it’s okay we’ve talked through it and it’s just a phase.  When I was his age, I wanted to be a boy, but that was the difference I wanted to be, he was.  The counselling soon confirmed my worst fear, that he was indeed transgender, and since then, we, as a family, have gone with it.  I’m now very happy to accept Zak as my son.  I love him for who he is, not what I wanted him to be.  It doesn’t worry me at all now.  It’s been 11 months since Zak told us.  I probably cried (not in front of him) and I certainly didn’t want this, but I’m really happy for him now.  I want him to be happy more than anything else in the world. As he has transitioned I’ve seen him become more confident, more adjusted and more mature.  I’m very proud of the young man he is becoming. It took me a few weeks to adjust, but I knew it wasn’t the end of the world, this was still my child and I certainly didn’t want him to be unhappy any longer. Photo by annietritt