evan

longer form posts about the transmasculine experience. by and for transmascs and trans men (:

[transmasculinity101]

The Crime of Being Trans

I regularly get accused of abusing my wife on the basis of me being a trans man. I don’t post relationship content, I don’t really post about her at all outside of our relationship’s relationship to antitransmasculinity and transandrophobia within the trans community, or when I’m just mentioning a story with her in it. All people are going off of is that I’m a trans man. However, people also (less often due to the fact that most of the people who come across my blog are transandrophobes rather than just transmisogynists/transphobes in general) accuse her of abusing me on the basis that she is a trans woman. When I had my first post on my tboy-cock (at that point it was t4transsexual) blow up, long before it became a blog largely to boost the voices and stories of trans men that are forcibly silenced, it was a post about a conversation my wife and I had, before we had even hit half a year in our relationship. It was a sentimental post that to me highlighted the desire among trans people to live and be who we are, and trans love in general. And that post blew up, which as a trans person posting about trans topics means that a lot of TERFs and other transphobes found it and began harassing me on and about that post. I had a lot of messages accusing my wife of being a “pervert” and abusing me/”women”. The only reason that people accuse either of us of abusing each other is because of our transness.

There aren’t a lot of trans criminals that make big news. Most people who have experienced some form of violence from a trans person are also trans themselves, it is very rare that cis people of any gender are on the receiving end of violence from trans people. And of course, trans on trans violence isn’t considered an issue because transphobes do not care about trans lives. However, any time a trans person commits a violent crime, either sexual assault or physical violence/murder, their transness is not only treated as the reason that they were violent, but often worse than the violence that they have committed. Transphobes, including other trans people, accuse trans people of being abusive/rapists just because they’re trans, and often times a trans person’s trans status, even if they have not committed any act of violence, is seen as a sign that they will either commit an act of violence against someone that they view as underprivileged, or proof that they have already done it and are hiding it. Trans people aren’t seen as people, we are seen as predators and that it is only a matter of time before we prey on somebody.

Notably, Chris Chan. I don’t know her preferred name, I think it’s Christina, so I will call her that, and as far as I know her pronouns are she/her. Christinia is a severely mentally disabled trans woman who has been being preyed on by largely the kinds of people who would frequent 4chan and KiwiFarms for a long time, since I was a kid. When I first heard about her, the main discussion was that she’s a trans woman and that she’s creepy. She was seen as being creepy and a future sexual predator because she was a trans woman. Currently, as far as I’m aware, she has confessed to sexually abusing her elderly mother. Whether Christina is a reliable narrator and even committed the crime (she could’ve been tricked into saying that) or if she has the mental capacity to know what she did was wrong and therefore be held accountable for it is another discussion, but we’re talking about the way people talk about her crime and her identity. Her transness is seen as the worst crime that she has committed. Her committing an act of sexual violence is only tacked on to the fact that she is transgender, and seen as secondary to it. She was already labeled as a predator before any of this because she is a trans woman, despite the fact that she is severely mentally disabled and was being preyed on in the first place, and was likely either tricked into doing it or admitting to a crime that she didn’t commit by the people who preyed on her. And being trans is still seen as the worst thing that she has done.

This is only one example. Any time a trans person makes any rounds for being “problematic,” their transness is seen as the main issue. I made a post last year about having been raped and almost killed by a trans woman I dated back in 2022, and the responses I got from other trans women about it, and TERFs who found it claimed that it was because she was trans and acted like her worst crime was being trans and not attempted murder and domestic abuse, and the TRFs and transandrophobes who found it attacked me and claimed that I either deserved it or was making it up because I’m a trans man, and being trans is worse than attempted murder and domestic abuse. That post would not have blown up like it did if neither of us were trans, and especially not if she was cis in any direction. If she was cis and had killed me and that made news, I would’ve been misgendered in the articles and people would be celebrating my death because I am a trans man. If I was cis and she had killed me and that made news, she would’ve been misgendered in the articles and people would’ve claimed that being trans is inherently violent and that is the reason that it happened. As it stands, if she had succeeded in killing me as our identities were and are, it would not have made news, and transphobes (including transandrophobes) would be covering it up because nobody cares if a trans person is victimized, most even celebrate it.

But when a trans person victimizes someone. ESPECIALLY a cis person. Or is even just accused of being mildly problematic. People LOVE that. People love being able to attack a trans person’s transness and it be socially acceptable because they were a bad person. The less than handful of times a trans person has committed a mass shooting, even the most progressive “trans allies” are so excited to get to misgender a trans person because “they killed people,” even though they never misgender the cis men who do. And their transness is still seen as the defining crime. Not the violence that they have committed, their transness is the biggest issue. At best the actual crime is seen as the natural consequence of their transness and used as a reason to demand for the genocide of trans people.

Oftentimes the trans person never committed a crime and was just trans. When I had a TikTok account, a cis man said I was “weird,” and then specified with, “I mean pedo weird.” I don’t remember what video I had posted, but it didn’t involve anything about kids, or any kind of sexuality at all. It was just because I was trans. Trans people are accused of being pedophiles just for being trans, and I’m not talking about the sect of TRF that openly admit to being pedophiles, I’m talking about trans people who have never mentioned anything about that. I’m talking about trans people who were victimized as children themselves and have to go through life being accused of victimizing kids because they’re trans and nothing else. I was called a groomer for being trans. This is not unique to me. It is not unique to trans men. This is not a post talking about antitransmasculinity. This is true for all trans people.

And I rewatched a 3 year old video by Drew Gooden called “TikTok hates your relationship” today, talking about the way that people will see a 6-10 second video of a couple doing the most mundane activities and make all sorts of wild and baseless claims, accusing them of abusing each other, cheating, being misogynistic/misandrist, hating each other, all sorts of things. These were videos such as a married couple with kids putting the kids to bed and then having some alone time for an hour, or a woman posting a video with the caption “when he doesn’t post you on social media but all your bills are paid and he takes care of you”. Comments such as, “if you never want to be together why are you even married,” “you clearly hate each other, just get a divorce if you’re that unhappy,” “you’re unhappy in your relationship and it’s YOUR FAULT because you’re not telling him what you want,” “he doesn’t post you because he wants the other women to think he’s single,” “I hope he can find a real woman who pays her share of bills,” and the fan favorite, “ok, we see what he does, what does SHE provide to the relationship?” any time a video highlights what one partner, typically the man in a cisheterosexual relationship, does for the relationship. A lot of these people post relationship content, but we as trans people are accused of abusing our partners just because we’re trans. We don’t even have to mention our partners. We don’t even have to mention our relationships. To be trans in wider society (and oftentimes among other queer/trans people as well) is akin to having admitted to violently abusing your partner, and if you don’t have a partner then you’re going to when you get one, and even if you don’t want a partner then ok, you’re a pedophile and a rapist anyway. But being trans is seen as the real/worst crime, the pedophilia and rape that they accuse us of is just seen as a natural occurrence in trans people.

[transmasculinity101]

I Detransitioned Twice in My Life Due to Transandrophobia

I guess you could call it desisting if you’re being technical. The first time I detransitioned I hadn’t started HRT yet, and the second time I never actually stopped taking Testosterone. My detransitioning was solely surrounding my gender identity.

When I was 18, I had been identifying as trans for about 2-3 years, and it was hard. I lived in Tennessee and was being physically and sexually abused by two family members at home, and my brother who was abusing me was in my grade and told the whole school I was trans “through the grapevine,” so there was no way I could’ve flown under the radar. Being a trans man made me a target for sexual violence. When I had just come out at 15, I “dated” and was touched by a 20 year super senior final boss, who targeted me specifically because I was a trans man and wouldn’t be defended by my family. My brother told people I was lying about being sexually assaulted by the guy, but he was also jealous of him and wanted to hurt him because he had a fetish for “protecting” me. This happened with a lot of my ex boyfriends back when I dated guys.

I wouldn’t consider my mom transphobic, really. She just hated me for other reasons and me being trans was just an easy reason to abuse me for her. She never really said anything transphobic about any of the other trans people in my life, she allegedly had trans friends, but she was horrible to me behind closed doors. I learned that my mom was lying about the nature of our relationship to her family and friends when my gay uncle said “your mom accepts you” to me one day. I realized none of them knew that she had been physically abusing me since before I was 4 years old. So I haven’t told any of them to this day because honestly I don’t want to deal with all that. There’s no way for me to prove it besides my therapy notes and my mom is a very likeable person while I’m not. It’s the same for my brother. Maybe one day I’ll actually tell the people close to them, but not now.

But she was constantly picking at my transition. She discovered I had bought a binder when she pulled up my button up shirt to “fix” it. I remember a while back seeing a post from a transandrophobe saying that trans men typically have been dressing masculine before they came out, but that’s entirely dependent on your parents. I wasn’t allowed to dress myself until middle school and even then, there was no way my mom would’ve let me get clothes from the men’s section, she wouldn’t even let me get a short haircut. I remember my mom asking me one day why I “couldn’t just be a butch lesbian,” and I said, “and you would’ve accepted me then?” I was only allowed to be as gender nonconforming as the clothes I was allowed to wear, and my mom was very clear that she was trying to raise a little girl. I don’t even think I had those plaid shorts a lot of trans guys wore as young children because they were too masculine. My mom would beat me into dresses every Sunday and on holidays like Easter and Christmas. I certainly wasn’t wearing masculine clothing for a while. I remember someone at school saying I was lying about being transgender because I wore women’s clothes and I didn’t really have the energy to explain to them that I simply wasn’t allowed to wear men’s clothes. My mom would bully me when I tried to wear the clothes from my brother’s closet. I vaguely remember her picking at and insulting me for the entire car ride to the bus stop for school for being trans until I was dropped off in tears, in front of another kid who we took to the bus stop. She grounded me for going to a pride parade without running it by her. She said she would’ve let me, and that was probably true, but she would’ve made me feel terrible about myself. That was my first pride parade. I was 17.

When I graduated high school, I walked the stage. It was 2020. My parents told the school that I wasn’t allowed to walk under the name “Evan,” I had to walk under my deadname. I only learned the day of graduation. A teacher said I should walk anyway and to not let my parents ruin it, but I regret walking every day. I got my diploma and was walking to my seat. They yelled my deadname on the microphone in front of everyone, most of whom only knew me as Evan. My mom yelled my deadname from the bleachers for me to take a picture. It makes me want to cry to think about. It was the most humiliating day of my life. My brother confronted them about it and they said my graduation couldn’t only be about me, that it was about them too. It wasn’t just my mom that time, it was my dad as well. I’m not sure if I forgive him for it. I’m not sure if I ever will.

When I was 18 and going to college, I detransitioned. I was identifying as a cis lesbian, a stone butch, she/her pronouns. I stopped binding and threw away my packer. I started going by the name Jody instead of Evan. Jody wasn’t my deadname or anywhere near it, my deadname had and has a lot of trauma associated with it, growing up in a severely abusive home and all. I had a girlfriend in college who was sexually abusive and she would “brat” with me by emasculating me and making me dysphoric, and no matter how many times I told her to stop she wouldn’t because it pissed me off and she fetishized it. I didn’t really have the bravery at that point to tell her that she was making me dysphoric and I’m not sure if she would’ve listened anyway. She was a cis woman, if that and the above explains why I don’t date cis women anymore.

I would cry some nights about how dysphoric I was. I was living as a dysphoric butch lesbian. I wasn’t a TERF, but I was an exclusionist/”transmedicalist” and believed a lot of backwards ideas of transness and queerness. The reason I detransitioned was because I had no meaningful support in being trans. Sure, people online accepted me sometimes, but I needed real support. I didn’t have any friends, mostly because I was so traumatized no one wanted to be around me, which is still true sometimes. That was in 2020, and in 2021, less than a year later, I dropped out of college and got a full time job, in which I realized that I could afford to start T. So one day I went to Planned Parenthood and started T. I didn’t tell my parents and I locked up my medication in a safe so that if my mom wanted to steal and/or damage it she would have to steal/damage the safe which is a lot easier to find and prove legally. I was being optimistic with the last bit but she didn’t realize I was on hormones until I moved out, so nothing ever happened with that. A nurse at a hospital (very illegally) disclosed to my dad that I was on Testosterone. My dad actually was transphobic, but he came around after he learned that I had started T on my own without telling anyone. I guess it made him realize that I was serious. He never apologized for the graduation even 6 years later.

In 2021, I was correctively raped by a boyfriend. He was the first and last cis man I dated since starting my transition. He preyed on the fact that I was transgender and insecure on account of being early transition, and that my family wasn’t supportive or loving. He made comments all the time on how he wished I wasn’t trans, that he “understood why people don’t want to date trans people, because it’s a lot of baggage” while being an alcoholic at 18, he made comments about my trans features and that he wished I was taller. He tried to convince me to take Adderall to more effectively starve myself because I was fat, because he knew I starved to malnourishment as a child on Adderall (I don’t have ADHD). One day, we were in my parent’s house in the guest room downstairs, completely alone, and he cornered me and coerced me into letting him penetrate me. When we entered the relationship, I had made it very clear from the beginning that I didn’t want to be penetrated or even touched down there. I probably should’ve seen it coming from the amount of times through text that he tried to pressure me to let him “eat me out,” but I was insecure and dysphoric and he made me feel so terrible about myself that I just stayed way longer than I should’ve. He broke up with me about a month or so after raping me because I was “crazy.” He probably tells people about his crazy tranny ex “boyfriend” without telling them what he did to make me act like I did in the first place.

And I think that experience started my second bout of internalized antitransmasculinity. I talk about transtagram and their effect on my and other trans guy’s perceptions of themselves, their experiences with sexual assault (especially if they were assaulted by women and doubly trans women), and their gender, but that was only the tip of the iceberg for me. The trans community has been hostile to trans men since I came out. I have always felt guilty about being the “wrong” kind of trans, and that I should’ve stayed a woman, or at least have not been a trans man, because I was somehow taking away from women by transitioning. Since I was correctively raped, I started having PIV sex because I felt pressured to. I have consented to sex countless times because I either thought or knew that if I didn’t I would just be forced into it, and I figured that if I just consented then it wasn’t rape and it wouldn’t be as traumatizing. I started dating a trans woman right after I was raped. She never raped me or anything, and she was a good enough partner, but it was also very obvious that she wanted to top me, and we never had sex because I didn’t want to be topped. And I think that probably also had something to do with me turning to PIV sex just to have sex at all. It’s obviously her choice and she doesn’t have to have sex in any type of way if she doesn’t want to, but that was just a bad situation for me to be in, especially after being raped like that. I ended up getting raped by two other trans women since then, one of which was the one who tried to kill me. I found transtagram after getting with my wife and they were the ones who put the final nail in the coffin of me hating myself for being a trans man. I felt like I couldn’t talk about my experiences with sexual violence, especially from trans women, and doubly so the one who tried to kill me, which was very recently at that point in 2022, when I needed support desperately. I detransitioned then to identifying as a nonbinary butch lesbian.

To be clear, I don’t believe that a binary trans person realizing that they’re nonbinary is inherently a detransition. However, me “identifying” as nonbinary for that time WAS a detransition. It’s contextual to me. If I didn’t feel unsafe in my identity as a trans man, I simply would have continued to identify as a trans man. My detransition to nonbinary felt the same as my detransition to female. It came from the same place of having no support and being made to hate myself for being a trans man.

When I detransitioned to female and then retransitioned, I was called a trender by an ex friend. She had said that I shouldn’t become a nurse because I’m Autistic and I blocked her about it, and she called me a trender. If it happened to me now, I probably would’ve said something to the extent of, “not all of us have the privilege of being in a non-abusive home. Not all of us can get bottom surgery less than a year after coming out as trans. Not all of us have that kind of privilege. I didn’t detransition and retransition because I’m “following a trend,” I detransitioned because my transition and life has been way fucking harder than yours.” But that was like 5 years ago so, water under the bridge now.

My other trans guy friends who were in that group suffered the same things. A lot of us were not only sexually assaulted by trans women within the community, but were forced into silence. Not only that, but a lot of other trans women who were sexually assaulted by trans women were also forced into silence. And that’s the quiet part. Transandrophobes are also always Transmisogynists. You can’t hate exclusively one group of trans people without other trans people catching strays. But I started identifying as nonbinary so that when people in that group were hateful to me for being a trans man, I could rely on “that’s misgendering because I’m nonbinary,” because “that’s transphobic, trans men shouldn’t be ashamed to be trans men” wasn’t an option. I couldn’t just say that I shouldn’t be hated because I’m a trans man because they all believed that trans men should be “put in [their] place.” Oftentimes very violently.

My wife, a nonbinary transfem, was the person who got me out of that. When I gave into the pressure to hate trans men, she never did. She was still defending trans men when it came to that. She got misgendered for defending trans men from that group. They were the one who unconditionally loved me as a TRANS MAN, a novel idea that I had never experienced before from a partner. They respected my boundaries around sex, even when I made new ones. I stopped having PIV sex with her and they were fine with it and they love the sex we have now, especially because it doesn’t hurt me or make me uncomfortable anymore. They accommodate for my severe sexual trauma. When I don’t want to be touched they don’t touch me. When I don’t want to have sex or bottom she says “ok,” and that’s it. There’s no pressuring or force. This is a novel concept to me. I have never really been in a relationship where my consent or boundaries were respected. And as a trans man, that is so rare. Trans men are sexually assaulted at rates anywhere between 46%-53%, so unsurprisingly I have a long history of sexual trauma. And I’m not healed. Honestly I’m hoping that bottom surgery does stuff for me that I probably need a good sex therapist for (no, I’m not getting bottom surgery because I have sexual trauma, it’s just that unsurprisingly, bottom dysphoria and sexual trauma can both exist together and impact each other), but it’s a start.

Anyway, I’ve retransitioned again. I’m not nonbinary, I’m not a butch lesbian. I’m just a trans man. And I’m proud to be a trans man and you should be too.

[transmasculinity101]

46% of Transgender Men Will Experience Sexual Assault at Some Point in Their Lives

Trans men are a group disproportionally affected by sexual assault. Statistically, 46% of trans men polled in 2022 have been sexually assaulted at some point in their lives. That is nearly 50% of trans men. Nearly half of all trans men have been sexually assaulted at some point in their lives. In comparison, 18.3% of cisgender women, 34% of trans women, and 1.4% of cisgender men have all been sexually assaulted at least once. (Regrettably, I couldn’t find a study of nonbinary-specific rates of sexual assault, which does raise a very serious concern, to me at least). This is all in comparison to 46% of all trans men. Trans men make up 34% of all trans people, and at the most generous estimate of all the people who are transgender (1% of the population), trans men would make up 0.0034% of that. That is a truly disproportionate number of such a tiny population of people.

And it shows. I don’t think I know a single trans man who hasn’t been sexually assaulted at some point in their lives. I’ve been sexually assaulted multiple times in my life. Before I started dating my wife-to-be, I had been sexually assaulted more times than I had had consensual sex, often being targeted due to my status as a trans man. A lot of people believe that transitioning to male will protect trans men from sexual assault, but in actuality, it heightens the chance of sexual assault. I was told that if you asked transgender men who were further along in their transitions if they had been sexually assaulted, the number would “look more similar to cisgender males.” Trans men who have experienced sexual assault before they transitioned are going to still have experienced sexual assault even when they started passing, so the question doesn’t really make sense. Also, most of the trans men I know who have been sexually assaulted have been sexually assaulted after being either visibly trans men or passing as cis men, myself included, and none of them I know definitively have never been sexually assaulted since transitioning. Regardless, trans men are several times more likely to experience sexual assault than cisgender women, regardless of if it’s pre or post transition. And enough people are resistant to the idea that trans men are at such high risk of sexual assault because they benefit from the idea that trans men are oppressive to women.

I saw a post on a gay trans man online community of a trans man who has been raped by every single man he has ever hooked up with. Every single one. He went into the hookup saying he doesn’t do PIV sex and every time without fail they do it anyway. I saw another trans person who has had bottom surgery with a vaginectomy and people still treat them as if they have a vagina and are surprised when they don't, even though they should always ask first. I was correctively raped by a boyfriend several years ago who entered this relationship with me knowing I was a stone top and didn’t want any penetration. Nearly 50% of all trans men experience sexual assault at some point in their lives, and I guarantee you that most of that number is trans men who go into sex with the boundary that they won’t engage in PIV sex and being made to do so anyway.

And this isn’t exclusively cis men. I have been raped and otherwise sexually abused by multiple women, cis and trans. A couple of trans men I’ve seen have been raped by other trans men. Being T4T doesn’t necessarily grant trans men the safety that they should be entitled to when entering a relationship. What’s more, when trans men are raped by people of marginalized genders, especially by trans women, we are pressured and forced into silence to “save face” and to “protect” the trans community. Trans men are expected to be the protectors, at our own expense, of a community that at best wants us to shut up about this statistic, and at worst have raped us. I’m not a trans man separatist and never will be. I love other trans people. But after a certain point it gets very concerning to receive rape threats by other trans people, as well as them making fun of the fact that I was raped at all, while saying I deserved it because I’m a trans man.

So, what do we do? This is clearly a big enough issue that half of all trans men have been sexually assaulted at some point in their lives and we can’t talk about it unless it was done by a cis man, and even then, we’re expected to hold space for women when we talk about our experiences. In a society and community that views trans men as the inherent predators of women, cis and trans, we can’t talk about our own struggles and experiences without adding disclaimer after disclaimer that women totally have it worse, and frankly I don’t believe that at all. I don’t believe women have it better, but 46% is a huge number of a community to experience such a heinous crime. What’s more is that I can’t find a single other statistic that doesn’t lump trans men in with the rest of the trans community. We are being purposefully erased from the trans community, oftentimes BY the trans community, and are still expected to protect the trans community with no protections for us.

If you are a trans man, hold space for yourself. If there’s no space, MAKE SPACE. Don’t give an inch. Don’t add disclaimers that you don’t hate women when you talk about being the victim of physical and sexual violence, women don’t need to do that for trans men. If you are an ally to trans men, make sure the trans men in your life know that you are a safe space for them, and then BE a safe space for them. Words only mean so much when not followed by actions. Center trans men in discussions that directly and disproportionally affect them, such as reproductive oppression and intimate partner violence. When trans men speak up about being the victim of physical and/or sexual violence, INCLUDING FROM WOMEN, believe them. Statistically, they’re very likely telling the truth.

[transmasculinity101]

FTM Chasers

Contrary to popular belief, FTM chasers aren’t necessarily, always, or even mostly cishet men. Not every FTM chaser sees trans men as women. There’s a lot of ways that chasers fetishize trans men. I’m going to give a list of examples.

But first: What is a chaser? Chaser is a very broad category of people who fetishize trans people/the trans experience. Chasers aren’t inherently straight or even cis. Trans people can be chasers as well, gay men can be chasers for trans men, ect. And not everyone who loves or is attracted to trans people, even exclusively, are chasers. Chasers are fetishists, they don’t view trans people as people/equal to them, even if they don’t necessarily view us as our assigned sex.

So, some examples of FTM chasers specifically are:

The “Hey Bro” Chasers: These are usually cis men who overuse masculine terms for trans men specifically to lull them into a false sense of security in order to fuck them. Using masculine terms for trans men is great! However, they’re specifically doing it as a manipulation tactic to sleep with trans men. They also won’t typically call us “men.” They might call us trans men, but never just men. To them, we are not men in the same way that they are.

The Aspiring Pedophile/”Buddy”: Specifically targets pre/non transitioning trans men because they typically look young, specifically like young boys, before taking testosterone. These chasers want the experience of fucking a little boy without actually committing a crime, so they specifically seek out trans men who look like little boys (typically pre/non transitioning trans men). They will typically fight you on starting testosterone, not wanting to lose their faux child.

The Gay Chaser: Yes, gay men can be FTM chasers. These are typically tops who like the extra hole we might have. They will typically try to pressure/force trans men into doing PIV sex. These men typically have breeding/pregnancy kinks, but don’t necessarily seek out pre/non transitioning trans men, some even prefer the very masculine trans men, but the whole deal is that they assume we have a vagina and have any desire in using it. They don’t want their trans partners to get bottom surgery because of this.

The Femdom Fetishist: These people typically seek out top/dom trans men, and typically the very fem-presenting ones, but not always. They specifically want a femdom, and top/dom trans men are “close enough” to them. They typically like pegging, sometimes SPH, and typically just enjoy that femdom/male sub dynamic, despite us being men.

The “Straight” Dude: There’s two subcategories of these guys. Typically, they’re attracted to very masculine women/”women.” They usually go after masc presenting trans men, either pre or post HRT. Some of them are genuinely straight and just have a kink for butch lesbians and see trans men as butch lesbians who will actually fuck them. However, the other kind are queer men who are ashamed of their sexuality, and feel like fucking a trans man is “the best of both worlds,” because we’re men and look like men, but also are expected to have vaginas, which means that they can cling to their heterosexual cope because it’s not “really gay.” Both will typically just see you as a woman, whether it be just a butch woman, or “close enough” to a woman to make them straight. Be who you are, guys, it’s ok.

Detrans Fetish Chasers: Exactly what it sounds like, they specifically want to detransition/misgender trans men. It’s unclear to me whether that’s because they have a genuine detrans fetish or are just transphobic. Probably both for different people. I’ve talked mostly about cis men in this thread, but these ones can be any gender identity, including other trans people, and even other trans men.

Lesbian Chasers: Exactly what it sounds like, a queer woman who likes butch lesbians and view trans men as the “ultimate” butch lesbian. Not exclusive to lesbians or cis people either, just queer women in general who like REALLY butch lesbians. Yes, some transmascs and trans men are butch lesbians, but these girls don’t typically see a difference, and a lot of us aren’t and it’s important to recognize and respect our individuality as trans men. They will typically call the relationship “gay” or “lesbian” despite their partner's dysphoria.

Insecurity Chaser: Chasers who can’t get anyone else to fuck them, and target trans men, typically pre/non transitioning trans men, because they are typically a very insecure group due to dysphoria. They will typically keep their trans partners from transitioning to keep them in that insecure mindset so they put up with their abuse. Not exclusive to cis men.

I might be missing some, these are just off the top of my head. Chasers can come in all sorts of different packages, and it’s important to be able to recognize an FTM fetishist and not have anything to do with them, for your own sanity and health.

[transmasculinity101]

The Struggles of T4T Dating and Sex Post-Op

As somebody actively pursuing bottom surgery to have a penis, I’ve been hearing something I frankly find very disturbing from other trans men and transmasculine people. I’ve heard that trans people who have had penis-creating bottom surgery, specifically those with vaginectomies, have not been able to have sex with trans women and transfeminine people in an affirming way post-op. From one, I heard that they wouldn’t touch him down there at all, or treat it like a dick, despite having been with people with penises, knowing that he wanted it treated like a dick, and themselves having dicks and wanting them interacted with during sex. From another, that trans women seemed to be repulsed by them now that they’ve had bottom surgery. Old FWBs who or new matches who either interacted with them when they had vaginas or expected them to have vaginas who would ghost as soon as their post-op status was confirmed.

I’ve heard it from trans women too. I’m active in T4T NSFW communities online. I make/write trans man porn/erotica. There is a heavy emphasis on trans men who have vaginas. It’s all you can see thirsted over. I saw a trans woman who said she’s open to “all genitals except for micropenises (because I don’t know what to do with that)”, and I saw another who said she doesn’t like trans men with penises at all. Even women who are open to natal penises seem to have an issue when the penis is attached to a trans man.

This isn’t an attack on trans women or transfems. I haven’t personally experienced this, all the trans women I talk to/have sex with are very accepting and excited for me to get bottom surgery and have a penis. They all respect that I’m anal only, and my fiance is probably more excited for me to have a dick than I am. This isn’t most trans women. But it’s enough that my post op brothers have had trouble getting dates and sex. And no, trans women don’t owe trans men sex, but it is disturbing when trans people who would’ve happily had sex with a trans man when he was pre-op won’t do it now that he has a penis. Trans people should be happy for other trans people who have had gender-affirming surgeries, not shun them. There is already a word for people who are primarily or exclusively attracted to trans people and typically are solely attracted to their pre-op genitals and wouldn’t consider being with a post-op trans person. Your identity as a trans person does not absolve you of your transphobic and fetishistic view of trans men.

I’m sure the same thing exists for trans women who have had bottom surgery, but honestly I’ve not heard of that at all personally. I’ve seen a couple of T4T trans lesbians call vaginas “weird,” but every trans man I know personally would have no issue having sex with a trans woman with a vagina. It seems like it’s mostly the other way around, even though it is a niche issue anyway. There is a certain kind of disgust with penis-creating bottom surgeries within the trans community that doesn’t extend to vagina-creating bottom surgeries in the same way. Trans men in porn are expected to have vaginas even if they are not using their vagina. When trans men top, it has to be with a strap-on. And when trans men bottom, it’s usually vaginal. Maybe anal, but their vagina is expected to be interacted with at some point either way. Trans men who want to have sex or are in porn aren’t typically given the freedom to be anal only or only top, let alone with a surgically created penis. And even though I’m not necessarily directly affected in the way that I personally am being rejected for transphobic and transandrophobic reasons, I am still a trans man who is actively pursuing bottom surgery who has to see this kind of rhetoric and desexualization of trans men’s penises, and the fetishization of “boypussy.”

Ultimately, we have a word for people who only see trans people as sexually attractive if they haven’t had bottom surgery and specifically seek out pre/non-op trans people to have sex with, and also people with “genital preferences” for pre/non-op trans people who won’t give post-op trans people the time of day: We call them chasers. And also transphobic, but first and foremost, chasers. And yes, cis people are way more likely to do this than any trans person, but it sucks to see this from other trans people, because other trans people should really know better.

[transmasculinity101]

I'm Getting Metoidioplasty Instead of Phalloplasty

I bought a packer some time ago, a PeeCock Gen5 3-in-1. I solely used it for packing. I ordered the smallest size they had available (4.75in) and there must’ve been a mix-up, and they sent me their largest size (5.5in). I have been wearing it anyway, and I particularly like the harness that it came with. It’s essentially a clear strap that goes around your waist and attaches through holes built in the packer to hold it on. It’s like adhesive without having to use adhesive. I like not having to take it off to shower or use the bathroom, I can just have it on all the time.

But as much as I felt a lot better having a dick that I could see and feel the weight of, I found myself insecure in a different and unexpected way. It was simply too big for me. The bulge in my pants was absolutely obscene and I had to make sacrifices in the things I specifically bought the prosthetic for in order to feel less insecure in the size of my dick. 5.5in isn’t a big dick ERECT, it’s about average. But just to have in my pants all the time was very uncomfortable. And today, I decided to try something new, and put some holes in a packer I already owned (not as high quality, about 2-2.5in) and use the harness on that. And, surprisingly, I not only felt more comfortable, I felt CONFIDENT. I felt SEXY! I LOVE the size. I love it so much that I went and found the smallest realistic packer I could (unfortunately 3.5in but it’ll be fine) and ordered that. I’ve been taking pictures of my dick, and I just feel like it fits my body so much better than the huge one did, even as a fat guy. I was worried a smaller size would make me insecure, but it brought me security.

This came after I experienced some second thoughts regarding what type of bottom surgery I really wanted. Phalloplasty and Metoidioplasty are both great surgeries and both would alleviate my genital dysphoria with not having a penis, and most of my dysphoria is surrounding having a vagina at all. There are benefits to both and I would be happy with either one. That said, while I have been settled on Phalloplasty for years, that came from a place of not knowing that Metoidioplasty existed, and also a need to feel safe. I felt like putting a “wall” between my natal genitalia would make me feel less “exposed” sexually, which is crazy because they’re both literally dicks and sex is often alongside exposure in multiple ways. I was sexually abused as a child and have a long history of sexual abuse and as a result, I have to have sex differently, and I have a less-than-healthy relationship with sex. It doesn’t stop me from having sex, because sex is awesome, but I’m realizing, one, that my bottom dysphoria and sexual trauma are kind of both involving themselves in this decision when it should really just be about the former, and two, I really need to think about what surgery would meet my surgery goals outside of my fear of sexual and emotional intimacy.

What started this for me was actually erotica. I actually write erotica with trans characters, namely trans men and trans women. It’s a lot of femdom, a lot of hard kinks, and very good stuff. But more recently since rediscovering that I needed bottom surgery (so a year ago roughly), I have been writing stories with post-op trans characters, specifically focusing on trans men with penises. And I’ve written a lot of trans men with Metoidioplasty, and I’m realizing that I find Meta to be REALLY hot. As a male sub, the idea of having a micropenis that can have organic erections is really hot to me. One of my friends, who isn’t trans and doesn’t know much about trans surgeries, asked me why I would “do that to myself”. It was pretty offensive, but cis people are stupid, so I let it slide. And I joked, “for my humiliation fetish, of course.” And we laughed and then I obviously gave a more in depth explanation of why both Phallo and Meta are great options in different ways, but I wasn’t entirely joking. A lot of the reason I’ve decided to get Meta instead of Phallo (unless I am told I’m not a candidate for Meta in my consultation in July, of course) is fetish related. I have no interest in topping and even when I identified as a top, I was mostly a side and didn’t know what being a side was, and now I’m anal only, which I identified as before I identified as a top and that’s definitely closer to who I really am. I like the idea of having horrible (consensual) things done to me by my domme and then being made fun of for getting off on it because she can see that I have an erection. I like the idea of being like a quarter of her size hard and being made fun of for my size. Obviously, this isn’t true for every person who pursues Meta and not even for everyone with a micropenis, but this is true for me and a lot of the reasons I’m getting Meta over Phallo are fetish related, because it really did just come down to the fact that Meta would meet my kinky fantasies more so than Phallo would.

I think we as trans people and especially transsexuals really push back against the idea that transitioning can be sexually gratifying at all. Yes, I transitioned because I was gender dysphoric. I wanted to pass as a cis man because I was gender dysphoric. And this is all coming as somebody who is almost at my goal body and is cis passing, so your mileage may vary. But transitioning IS sexy. When I had top surgery and my domme couldn’t keep her hands off of my new body, that was sexy. When my domme gets horny when I talk about getting bottom surgery, that’s sexy! I look at myself in the mirror and I see someone who I’m sexually attracted to being and becoming. That doesn’t invalidate transness. I didn’t transition because I have any kind of fetish, it’s just that trans people aren’t just completely devoid of any sexuality. We’re expected to be miserable and alone because we’re trans and hate ourselves, but I don’t hate myself anymore. I love myself and I love my body, and I’m about to be at the end of my transition. And that’s what transitioning was about for me. My goal was ultimately to be happy and becoming a man was a part of that. And that’s the case with most trans people. But it’s also normal for trans people to be a little horny about themselves after/while transitioning. Cis people get to feel sexy all the time with no pushback, we as trans people should be able to as well without being accused of transitioning because we have a “fetish” for one thing or another, or accused of being “transtrenders” or whatever they call it. 

All this to say, I’ve decided to go with Metoidioplasty rather than Phalloplasty for my bottom surgery, despite having been settled on Phalloplasty before. If I hate it, I can always get Phallo later. But for right now, I feel very comfortable with having a smaller dick on me right now and I’m excited for what other comforts and sexuality the future will bring.

[transmasculinity101]

I Want to Look Like a Cis Man, And I Love Being Transgender

I’ve learned in my nearly-decade of identifying and living as a transgender man, and about half a decade of living as a transsexual one, that gender is very expansive and I am very, very boring. I’m a trans man, I use he/him pronouns, I present masculine in my daily life and while alternative there is nothing androgynous, let alone feminine, in the way that I present. The most interesting things about my gender are probably that I’m intersex and t4t, but I’m also dating an equally boring (and probably intersex) nonbinary person.

However, I do have the desire to look cis. Not every trans person cares about passing as cis, but I do. At first, I chalked it up to it being safer. Being visibly trans is really hard and unsafe, at least in my home state of Tennessee. I always felt deeply uncomfortable and afraid because I wasn’t able to change my state driver’s license or birth certificate to male, meaning that anyone who saw my license would know what I was. It feels safer after moving out to Oregon and having my gender marker changed, but it feels more than safer. It feels comfortable. I’m a man.

Years ago, before I had started hormones, and back when I was still a teenager, I had somebody ask me, “why can’t you just get as close as you want to being a man, without actually being a man?” And I answered, “because I want to be a man. I want a flat chest, I want a penis, I want to be perceived as a man, I want everything that comes with being a man.” I still remember that conversation, because while I’ve had a lot of changes in my perception of transgenderism and transsexuality, my actual identity hasn’t changed, even when I’ve tried to force it to. I want to be a man. I am one.

On the flip side, though, I have absolutely no desire to be a cisgender man anymore. I used to, and a big part of that was because being a trans man is really hard, and being a cis man would be infinitely easier than what I’ve had to go through to get here. Cis men aren’t correctively raped for being stone tops, cis men aren’t beaten into dresses and to conform to femininity. Cis men aren’t pressured and coerced so hard into dating men and boys and to be girls and women that they’ve forgotten who they are several times in their lives. Who they’ve always been. I wouldn’t identify as someone who was “always a man,” I identify strongly as someone who became a man. The act of discarding coerced and forced femininity and taking medical steps to become a man was something I did very consciously and implicitly. But I was always a man in the sense that I knew something was wrong even if nobody else did.

I remember being a kid, having had the sex talk with my parents. I told my dad later that I would never let a boy see me naked. I would have my clothes on during sex, lights off, blanket pulled over us, and he would never see my naked body. I spent my whole childhood, down to elementary school, telling my mother that I would have a hysterectomy as soon as I was able to. Both of those things were true. They swear up and down that there were no signs. They just wouldn’t read them. A lot of the abuse I’ve experienced only makes sense with the context that I’m a transgender man.

Even still, I’m proud of who I am. I love being transgender. I love other transgender people. I love transgender men. They are my brothers. I love transgender men who love being trans as much as I do, and I love transgender men who wish they were cis, even if I’m glad I get to love them as who they are. I love t4t transgender men, I love transgender men with cis partners, I love gay transgender men, I love all transgender men.

There is an idea in the trans community, specifically the part of the trans community that hates transgender men, that when a transgender man says that he is transgender, that means that he’s not “really a man,” because he is “aligning himself with womanhood and using his female privilege over trans women.” Your first mistake is believing being transgender is aligning oneself with womanhood. Transgender men are transgender men. We are transgender as much as we are men, we are men as much as we are transgender. There is no magic in the world that would grant us a dick and balls if we had never transitioned, we would still be women. Acknowledging that transgender men are transgender isn’t rejecting the maleness of trans men unless you believe that being transgender is only for women, and that transgender men don’t exist.

I love being trans. I have absolutely no desire to be a cis man at this point in my life. I understand that it would be leagues easier than being a trans man, but I love being transgender. I love the relationships that I get to have with other transgender people, and the mutual understanding of our trans status, dysphoria, and the steps we need to take and have taken to feel aligned with our bodies. I love getting to love transgender women and transfeminine people as a transgender man, and I love getting to be a transgender boyfriend, and a transgender husband in a couple of months. I love being a transgender son and nephew. I love being a mentor figure to younger trans men, especially ones looking into bottom surgery and trying to understand it objectively and not what TERFs spread around.

I look like a cisgender man with my clothes on. People don’t typically recognize me as being transgender in my day-to-day life. One day, within the next couple of years, I will look indistinguishable from a cisgender man, penis and all. And when I am, I will be happy and dysphoria free (might get some more surgeries, but mostly cosmetic). And after all that, after all this time, I will still be transgender. There is no amount of transitioning that will make me cisgender. And I love that, because I love being transgender.

[transmasculinity101]

Feminism-Appropriating Misogynists and Lesser Women

I’ve been a feminist since before I knew what feminism was, because misogyny has always affected me as a transmasculine child, even before I knew who I was. When I was beaten into dresses every Sunday and didn’t get along with other girls or boys my age because I was too masculine as a girl, when people would always compliment how “beautiful” I was and never WHO I WAS, I was experiencing misogyny.

I understand that a lot of transmasculine people are opposed to describing some aspects of our oppression as misogyny because they view it as misgendering. Unfortunately, yes, the people being misogynistic to us are misgendering us. The reason transandrophobes and transmisogynists are so eager to call us “whiney bitches” and “cuntboys” and telling us to “shut up and let the real adults talk,” this is misogyny, and they are doing it because they view us as women. However, it is still important for non-women who are affected by misogyny to have a word for it, and that word IS misogyny, because that is what people are perpetrating when they talk down to us, even when they follow it with “...because you’re men!”  (:” It’s deeply unfortunate, and in a better world trans men would universally and unconditionally be considered men, but that’s not how the world that we are in works. Transphobia and all its subcategories (transmisogyny, transandrophobia, exorsexism, ect.) only exist because misogyny itself exists, so sometimes when someone’s being transphobic to trans men, they’re also going to be at least a little misogynistic. It does not mean we are women. Someone else viewing us as women does not mean that we are. This is like, Transmasculinity 101 shit (new URL just dropped?).

But one thing I’ve learned about misogyny from women and girls is that women and girls, cis and trans alike, who have not unlearned their own misogynistic biases, are ALWAYS looking for a lesser woman. It’s the reason white suffragettes would tap out of feminism because they wanted WHITE women’s rights. They didn’t want rights for Black and Brown women. It’s the reason regular TERFs want rights for cis (and usually white) women, and not for trans people, namely trans women. It is why TRFs want rights for trans (and usually white) women, and not for transmasculine people. Transmasculine people are not exempt from this, of course, there’s a non-zero amount of transmasculine people who want rights for trans men and not trans women, but there’s no hate group dedicated to pushing for trans men’s rights and “separatism” while wanting to trump the rights of trans women like there is TRFism.

I know all transmasculine experiences are different, but growing up, I was a very masculine child. I was not in a safe environment to express myself how I wanted, but I’m a stubborn person and I tried anyway. I would wear the manliest clothes my mom would buy me from the little girl’s section, I had my shirt off to play outside even when she told me not to, and I took active steps to present more masculine as a child going all the way down to the way I walked. I was very clearly different from other girls. And other girls did not accept me. And I know I’m not the only one who experienced this. I was a Dyke, a Homo, I was weird and too boyish. I did not have the solidarity with other girls that all girls and women like to talk about. Many kids growing up girls who didn’t or don’t perform femininity didn’t and don’t. My only connection with womanhood has been experiencing misogyny like the rest of women and girls, and even then, mine is typically way different than the misogyny women and girls experience.

Women and girls are not a safe group from misogyny. Being affected by misogyny does not mean that you don’t have to put in the work to unlearn it. A lot of women who enter the wrong kinds of feminism end up perpetrating misogyny in a much more vile way to “lesser women.” Trans men are absolutely considered “lesser women” in this case. We are so much less women that we AREN’T women. We’re the perfect target of this misogyny in feminist’s clothing that has existed since the dawn of feminism.

Let me explain to you the way that feminism-appropriating misogynists who hate transgender men view us. We are hysterical. We are whiny bitches. We are “transandrocunts,” “cuntboys,” or just “cunts”. We are “TMEs” and “AFABs”. We have “AFAB privilege” and being forcibly impregnated and detransitioned is a privilege that we have over trans women or women who can’t get pregnant otherwise. The world would be better off if we detransitioned back to cis women, ideally feminine cis women. We are women who hate women so much that we are pretending to not be women specifically to oppress women harder.. We are “lesser women” until we come out and call this treatment misogynistic. Then we are men. We are misogynistic and transmisogynistic men. We are “MRAs”. We are predatory and violent men. We are men who hate women so much that we stopped being women specifically to oppress women harder. We have transitioned to have the most privilege that a group of people can hold. We have both male privilege and AFAB/female privilege depending on what best serves them.

Trans men are also an unrapable class. In fact, we as trans men are a group that NEEDS to be raped and abused to put us back in our place, which is apologizing for ever trying to be transmasculine, because we all know that transsexuality and transgenderism is only for women, and maybe a nice little tboy who lets himself be fetishized and keeps his head low and mouth shut like a good little docile lesser woman. And if he’s lucky, they might even let him keep calling himself a trans man beyond just when telling other trans men to be just like him.

[transmasculinity101]

Penis-Creating Bottom Surgery Masterpost

This is going to be a long post about penis-creating bottom surgery, also referred to separately as Phalloplasty and Metoidioplasty. For simplicity, I will be using their shortened versions, Phallo and Meta.

What are Phallo and Meta?

Phallo is a form of penis-creating bottom surgery that involves taking a skin graft from somewhere else on the body to create a penis. There are several places that this skin graft could be taken from. A forearm skin graft is the most common type, but there’s also skin grafts from the thigh, abdomen, back, and there is also a new graft site in the groin as of writing this, but few surgeons do this one, as it’s very new. In this post, I will go over the different graft sites and information on all of them, as they have different results for each one.

Metoidioplasty is a form of penis-creating bottom surgery that largely uses your existing genitalia (ie. bottom growth) to create a penis. This penis will be considered a micropenis.

Which one is right for me?

They are each better fits for different people. You can also have both separately if you would like. We’ll get into non-traditional penis-creating bottom surgery as we go further.

For Phallo, consider the following:

-The size of your penis isn’t limited by your bottom growth. Within the ranges for each skin graft, you can typically choose around what size you want. However, it may grow or shrink post op.

-Besides the initial growing and shrinking post op, your penis will not change lengths between flaccid and erect states. Whatever size your penis is is going to be the size of your penis at all times. If you have a 5in penis at the end of this surgery, you will have both a 5in erect penis and a 5in flaccid penis.

-You will not be able to have unassisted erections. You will need either an internal or external erection device to get an erection. Also consider, no awkward unwanted erections and you can stay erect as long as you want.

-You will be of a size to penetrate a partner unassisted (though again, no unassisted erections).

-Different skin graft areas will have different benefits, but typically, the grafts that leave the most visible scarring (forearm and thigh) have the best erogenous sensation, while the grafts that leave minimal/no visible scarring will not have erogenous sensation. The forearm flap typically has the same erogenous sensation as your anatomy pre op, and while I hear different things about the thigh flap, people are typically happy with their erogenous sensation with it.

-Depending on what all you have done, expect 3 or more surgeries and potentially medical tattooing to get the aesthetics and functions that you want out of your penis.

-As of now, you cannot have foreskin with your Phallo penis. You can tattoo the foreskin on, but you will not have that separate moving skin layer.

-If you are bigger bodied, you may have trouble finding a surgeon willing to perform Phalloplasty on you, and certain skin grafts require a certain BMI limit. 

-No dick piercings post op Phallo.

For Meta, consider the following:

-You will have a penis about as big as your bottom growth is pre-op, and might not be able to penetrate someone without assistance (an external erection device).

-Your penis should have the same erogenous sensation as your anatomy pre-op

-You will have foreskin. You could probably get circumcised if you REALLY wanted to, but I’m not sure.

-If you are bigger bodied, you will probably need additional surgeries to get the skin out of the way of the penis (monsplasty).

-You will be able to get erect unassisted, just as your pre-op anatomy does.

Notice how I’m not making a pros/cons list. This is because some of these things are going to be neutral, negative, or positive for different people. Meta and Phallo are great choices for different people. One is not better or worse than the other, and different people require different penises. You might read all this and decide you want Meta instead of Phallo, or vice versa. That’s fine! We should all be careful about how we talk about these surgeries, though. These are real people’s bodies you’re talking about!

Designer Penis

Notice how I’ve only discussed the creation of the penis, and not other stuff such as Vaginectomy, Urethral Lengthening, ect? That’s because all of these are opt-in and opt-out. You don’t have to have a Vaginectomy, Scrotoplasty, implants, or anything. But a lot of us do want/need these things, so I’ll list them here:

Universal:

-Urethral Lengthening/UL (rerouting the urethra through the penis)

-Vaginectomy (removal/closure of the vagina)

-Scrotoplasty (creation of the scrotum (sac))

-Testicular Implants (implants to create the testicles (not actual testicles))

Phallo extras:

-Clitorial Burial (“burying” the bottom growth inside your penis and out of sight)

-Erection Implants (either the semi-rigid rod or inflatable pump, designed to give erections internally, work in different ways)

-Glansplasty (creation of the glans, the circumcised head of the penis)

-Medical Tattooing (aesthetic tattooing to give your penis a more “natural” look)

These are all completely optional, and you don’t need literally any of these to get the surgery. They are also typically mix and matchable, which means you can have any combination of these things. I will say that surgeons typically will not perform UL without a Vaginectomy (though not true for the inverse) so keep this in mind when looking for a surgeon.

Now that we have the universals out of the way, let’s dive in deeper to each individual surgery.

Phalloplasty:

There are currently five areas where the surgeon will take skin grafts from. We’re going to go over what each one entails so that you know which one is right for you. 

Forearm/RFF:

-Typically taken from the non-dominant forearm, but can be taken from the dominant forearm if needed

-Typically the highest potential for erogenous sensation out of all other techniques, will have tactile sensation

-Requires another skin graft (usually from the thigh) to cover the forearm where the skin graft was taken from

-If looking into UL, the UL graft is taken from the same place

-Requires permanent hair removal on AT LEAST the UL skin graft

-Very visible scar

-If all goes well, you will have full tactile and erogenous sensation

-Roughly between 4.5-6in in length, can ask for smaller

Thigh/ALT:

-Takes a skin graft from the outer thigh

-Typically not suitable for bigger bodied people (or just people who carry a lot of fat in their thighs)

-Typically results in a larger penis than RFF (can get up to 8-9in) with girth that may require multiple debulking sessions, but for length you can still typically decide what you want (though again, it can grow/shrink)

-Easier to conceal scar than RFF while still maintaining erogenous sensation, will have tacticle sensation

-May have less potential for erogenous sensation than RFF

-Higher risk of UL complications than RFF

Abdominal Flap:

-Uses graft from lower abdomen

-Scarring is very easy to conceal

-Is not typically done with UL, but can be (requires MUCH SMALLER forearm flap)

-No hair removal required

-Less invasive and faster recovery

-Do not expect more erogenous sensation than at the base. Can still orgasm through stimulating bottom growth if buried. Will have tactile sensation

-No nerve hookup

Back/MLD:

-UL done in multiple stages

-No erogenous sensation in penis, will have erogenous sensation in bottom growth. Typically no tactile sensation

-Typically less or no hair removal required

-Easier to hide scarring

-Larger penis, may need more debulking

-No nerve hookup

Groin Flap:

-Smaller penis

-Easy to conceal scarring

-No erogenous sensation, little tactile sensation. Can still orgasm through bottom growth

-Much less expensive than other methods

-No nerve hookup

-Inflatable erectile rod is not possible, but semi-rigid rod is

-Few surgeons do it

This is what I’ve found on each graft, if anyone who has had phallo wants to amend anything, let me know and I can edit this post.

Meta:

There are two different kinds of meta now!

Standard Meta:

-Will be about as long as your bottom growth is

-Cuts the ligaments holding your bottom growth in place and allows it to stand upright

-All universal extras above can be added

Extended meta:

-Can extend the length of your penis

-Typically done without UL, as it can negate the extension

On Implants

Not everyone will get testicular implants or erectile implants, but for those who do:

Testicular Implants:

Testicular implants for penis-creating bottom surgery come in 4 sizes: extra small, small, medium, and large. The size of your penis (and also Phallo or Meta) will be used to determine your implant size. You can always size up later.

Erectile Implants:

Because Phallo isn’t made with erectile tissue, your post op Phallo penis cannot have an unassisted erection. However, they make implants for this. There are two kinds, the saline inflatable pump, and the semi rigid rod. The inflatable pump can only be used if your penis is over 4.5in long. The pump is stored in one side of your sac (so you will be missing one testicular implant for the pump) and you squeeze it to get an erection. The semi rigid rod is always hard, so you will always have a “semi” erect penis, but all you have to do is position it for sex.

Alternatives to Erectile Implants:

Erectile implants can have complications, and some people don’t want to have their erectile implant replaced every 7 years or so. So there are alternatives:

-The Elator (made for cis men with ED, but has opened up to people with Phalloplasty and have actual instructions for them: https://www.theelator.com/pages/phalloplasty?srsltid=AfmBOorfyW_y3hhobjh-Z1CJ30k_xQaEFPzphX4jJK-eftxAq_hgHjnJ)

-Other erection sleeves you can buy online

We as trans men are not the only or even the first men to have needed erectile assistance devices. Every method of erectile assistance has been made with cis men in mind first. Not even Phalloplasty was created with trans men in mind, it was originally made for cis men. Don’t feel ashamed of needing it!

Non-traditional Penis-Creating bottom surgery

There are many options with penis-creating bottom surgery to have genitals that are separate from perceived male/female anatomy. Some examples are:

-Both Phallo and Meta, leaving you with two penises. You can only have a urethra out of one of them. You can also opt out of a Vaginectomy and have a vagina as well

-Penis and vagina, you can have either Phallo or Meta and opt out of a vaginectomy, and have both a functioning penis and vagina

-Phallo can look like many different things. You can tattoo your penis to have anything on it. Many people have tattoos on their penis (besides just medical tattooing). Go crazy with it!

-You don’t have to get a scrotum

-Simple Release Meta (Meta without Scrotoplasty, Vaginectomy, UL, ect) exists just to put your penis where you want it

Look into the Salmacian community, there is a subreddit for them! r/Salmacian! Alternatively, r/Altersex for people who identify outside of the male/female sex binary who weren’t born intersex.

NOTE FOR PERISEX PEOPLE: Getting surgery to have both a penis and a vagina, or otherwise atypical anatomy DOES NOT MAKE YOU INTERSEX. Being intersex is something you are born as, you cannot “transition to” intersex. You can, however, transition to be altersex. Please be mindful of your language regarding intersexuality. When in doubt, ask real intersex people, we exist! A lot of us are trans and are in the same spaces you are!

How do I go about getting Phallo or Meta?

Answering for the US, because that’s where I live and I have no idea what goes on anywhere else.

That is a question for your insurance provider. Typically, they will need at least 2 letters, one from a mental health provider and one from either a PCP or a hormone provider. From there:

-Check who’s in network with your insurance

-Pick a surgeon. You may need a referral from a doctor, call their office and find out. They should also have a website

-See their requirements. Some have BMI requirements. Check wait times, reviews, talk to others who have had surgery with them

-If all is well, they should schedule you for a consultation. If you’re sure about what skin graft you’re using, do the preparations ASAP (laser, ect.)

-Don’t be afraid to schedule multiple consultations with different surgeons! This is going to be your penis for the rest of your life! Be picky! Be selfish!

-You will probably need your letters and everything within a year of the surgery, and you may need to have them written again at least once to stay current. Ugh, insurance

I want more resources!

Understandable! There are many different places to find more information and personal accounts on Phallo and Meta. Notably, I use the r/Phallo and r/Metoidioplasty subreddits for penis-creating bottom surgeries. Both subreddits have hundreds of post op people sharing their stories, photos, advice, ect.

Alternatively, TransBucket is a website where many post op people share their surgery photos.

There are Facebook groups for Phallo and Meta as well, look into those!

Closing notes

I am not the single bearer of knowledge on the subject here, I’m only just now having my first consultation with a surgeon in July. This post is a compilation of resources regarding Phallo and Meta. If anything is wrong or needs to be updated, let me know and I’ll get that sorted. Otherwise, join communities of people who have had these surgeries and want to help others to have them, and get to talking! Do your own research! And good luck in your future penis endeavors!

[transmasculinity101]

Transmasculinity and Forced Feminization within the Trans Community

I would go into the forced feminization that trans men experience from the rest of society, such as family members, church, school, work, local communities, and everywhere that isn’t the queer and trans community, but surely we all know about that. If not, I’ll make another post. This is about the forced feminization trans men have to go through to be accepted into the queer/trans community.

We’ve all heard it before. “Well, you’re a man now.” We as trans men are expected to bear the weight of the patriarchy and the trauma that non cishet men have from cishet men, that we all typically also have from growing up affected by the patriarchy from birth. My ex-girlfriend, a trans woman, tried to kill me some years ago, and the sentiment was clear among other trans people: I’m a man now, and she’s a woman. I should put up with it. It’s transmisogynistic to even bring it up in the first place. I should keep it to myself and bottle it up.

When my mom abused me, it was because I was allegedly born a girl (I’m intersex, but for all practical purposes I was raised a girl). My cis brother was not abused in the same way I was. Arguably he wasn’t abused at all. In fact, he was allowed to beat on me as well, and otherwise do whatever he wanted to me, and I would get hit if I tried to stop him. As I got older and came out, it got much worse. She had more ammo. Make no mistake, when this happened, it was because of the way that I was born, and the way that I am now. It was because of the cispatriarchy.

In 2021, I was dating a man who correctively raped me for being a trans man and a stone top. I’ve mentioned that in my other writing. When he did that to me, it was because I’m a trans man. It was because of the way I was born, and the way I am now. A lot of TERFs and TRFs agree that when we as trans men are abused for being trans men, it’s either because we were brought up as girls, or because we’re trans now. It’s never considered to be an intersection of our marginalization, that trans men are at a higher risk of domestic violence and medical malpractice than other LGBTQ groups and identities. And yet, we are expected as trans men to bear the weight of the patriarchy and the sins of cis men and keep ourselves small and palatable to the queer/trans community, who “have trauma” from people who “look like us.” Usually, keeping ourselves small and palatable means feminizing ourselves for their comfort.

Everyone in the queer/trans community seems to have an opinion on Phalloplasty, Metoidioplasty, and Transmasculinity altogether. In the queer/trans community, outside of Transmasculine spaces, it is not only allowed but encouraged to make unsolicited, offensive, bigoted comments about trans men, penis-creating bottom surgery, and our masculinized bodies. This goes doubly if we’re fat, but skinny trans men aren’t exempt. It also goes doubly for trans men of color.

And on the topic of penis-creating bottom surgery, this is disproportionally fearmongered against by the queer/trans community. Trans women are more likely as a group to at least consider vagina-creating bottom surgery than trans men are with penis-creating bottom surgery. I fully believe that this must be because of the disinformation in the queer/trans community surrounding our options for bottom surgery, what it can look like, what it can feel like, ect. I would like to write a longer form post on this account about it.

Still, it is highly discouraged for trans men to get penis-creating bottom surgery, in the same breath that queer and trans people will praise our “boypussies.” Trans men are expected by their queer/trans partners to be hairless “twinks,” because it’s “hotter, and body hair is so gross.” Trans men often have the terms “twink” and “femboy” used against us in general. We are shamed for our masculinity and are oftentimes coerced and strongarmed into femininity just to be loved and viewed as “safe” for non-trans men, especially the queer/trans ones.

They don’t view us as men. Yes, even the ones who say they do. The ones who are saying they’re treating you poorly because “you’re a man now” don’t see you as a man. They don’t treat cis men in the same way. Trans men are seen as gender traitors in a way that cis men can’t be as they are not trans. Trans men, by people who ascribe to TMERFism (transmasculinity exclusionary radical feminism) are seen as women who transitioned to gain privilege over women. So, not only a failure to conform to womanhood, but a danger to womanhood, even. We are seen as bad actors who just want male privilege even by people who are supportive of trans women. We are not seen as trans in the same way that trans women are. And so we are supposed to compensate, to feminize ourselves where we can, and keep our heads low and not talk about our specialized needs as transmasculine people. And when we don’t, they remind us. They body shame us for our masculinity and push us into a more acceptable, feminine direction. If we have an issue with that, it’s because we simply cannot see why women would be scared of men, because we aren’t affected by misogyny and the patriarchy, and actually every instance of misogyny and transphobia that we’ve experienced either now or before we came out is misdirected, because if they knew we identified as male from the get-go, then it never would’ve happened. Because trans men are not oppressed for being trans men. Trans men are only oppressed for their proximity to cis or trans women. Meanwhile, we aren’t seen as smart enough to speak on our own issues as a minority group. Trans men are expected to delegate our topics and conversations to other people, usually non men, and almost always non trans men.

And don’t even get me started on how they treat butches.

[transmasculinity101]

Rules for Transmasculine Dating

This is something of a dating guide for transgender men. Transgender men experience some of the highest rates of intimate partner violence in the queer and trans community. This ideally would be a guide that helps this to not happen so frequently.

-Know who you are and what you want, and then NEVER SETTLE for anything less

You probably have an idea of how you want your transition to go, what you want to look like, and by extension you want someone compatible. Get someone compatible. Don’t settle for someone who wants you to “meet them halfway.” There IS NO halfway! It’s your body, it’s your transition, you don’t have to bottom because they say it’s “easier” and you shouldn’t be expected or made to put your transition on hold because of a partner. A lot of people who are attracted to trans men will try to gaslight you into thinking that the boundaries and preferences you once have had “changed” or you never had them in the first place. DON’T LET THEM.

-Get a partner who loves cock

Everyone thinks that the main issue of dating as a trans man is finding a partner who is attracted to men but is also attracted to vaginas. Fuck. That. I’m fucking sick of seeing trans guys being coerced out of gender affirming care because they’re dating someone with a “genital preference” for vaginas. Get a partner who loves cock and is excited for you to get one. I know them, I’ve seen them. Take my hand.

-Get a partner who loves men

It’s one thing to have trauma with cis men, but truthfully, most of us do as well. We shouldn’t have to push through dating someone who either says “god, I hate men, but not you because you’re biologically different” (weird and transphobic) or “god, I hate men, INCLUDING YOU BECAUSE YOU TRANSITIONED TO HAVE PRIVILEGE OVER WOMEN” (weird and transphobic). Don’t put up with this shit. Date someone who is attracted to men and doesn’t hate themselves for it. There are so many queer and trans people who love trans men and are proud to be attracted to men. Your partner should also be at least physically attracted to cis men. Disregard this if you’re les4les.

-Avoid people who think they’re doing you a favor by fucking you

We all know to avoid chasers, but there is a certain kind of transphobe who isn’t necessarily opposed to dating a trans man, but they hate trans men and they’ll certainly remind you as many times as they can manage. You don’t “come with baggage” by being a trans man, you’re not difficult to date or love or have sex with, and you’re not any lesser than cis men because you’re trans. Don’t let a partner or potential partner neg you for being trans. It’s a beautiful thing.

-Don’t date someone who thinks you’re “one of the good ones”

Don’t date someone who thinks trans men are inherently or typically “evil” or some other negative thing. There are a lot of people, including other queer and trans people, who hate trans men but are still attracted to them. It is SO important to not give these people the time of day. There are so many other queer and trans people who love trans men, you don’t have to date people who hate trans men while fetishizing us.

-T4T is great, but it’s not safer

T4T isn’t any safer than T4C. I’m obviously T4T, but one thing I’ve learned since going T4T is that it doesn’t guarantee you safety or understanding. Some trans people are also abusive and transphobic. We went over that in the last point. There are many good reasons to be T4T, but if you’re just wanting to avoid transphobia or other acts of intimate partner violence that we are at higher risk for, I regret to inform you that that won’t necessarily help. There’s a lot of nice things about dating other trans people IF you date the right ones, otherwise, it can be just as bad as dating a transphobic cis person.

-Don’t date someone who has never been with a trans man

In my experience, I have gained absolutely nothing of value from being someone’s first trans boyfriend. In fact, it sucks. I don’t want to have to go over trans 101 and transmasculinity 101 with every person I date! They don’t want to hear it half the time! Also don’t date someone who has ONLY been with trans men (potentially disregard if T4T, but you should be able to tell if you’re dealing with someone who’s T4T versus a chaser.)

-Don’t date someone who doesn’t have any transmasculine friends

I promise you, there is a reason they don’t. It’s typically because trans men avoid them because they either fetishize trans men or hate trans men.

-You do not have to hold the weight of other marginalized people’s trauma with the patriarchy

We are still affected by the patriarchy as trans men. Oftentimes, we are affected by the patriarchy in more complicated ways that women do not experience. You don’t need to keep your head down and take abuse from women who want to take their frustrations with our patriarchal/cispatriarchal society out on you. We as trans men can’t uphold the patriarchy in any way that women can’t as well (obviously everyone can uphold the patriarchy) and you do not deserve to be punched down on because whatever woman you’re seeing at the time doesn’t have the power to punch up. We don’t either. It’s a collaborative effort.

-Only date someone who is aware of anti transmasculinity/transandrophobia and they ways that they might perpetrate it

This is not exclusive to cis people. Save yourself the heartache and have the discussion of anti transmasculinity FIRST. Only be with someone who is knowledgeable on transmasculinity, anti transmasculinity in our society, and is putting in the work to be a better ally to trans men, EVEN IF they themselves are also a trans man.

Ideally, if these rules are remembered and followed, you will be aware of anti transmasculinity in your intimate relationships, and be able to avoid it. Above all else, date someone who genuinely loves trans men. Not “tboys,” not “boypussy,” trans men.

[transmasculinity101]

Rediscovery, Dicks, and the Violence Inherent to Being Transmasculine

TW for discussion about corrective rape and other forms of sexual violence affecting trans men

Trans men are one of the most at-risk groups of intimate partner violence and sexual violence in the LGBTQ and Trans communities. Transgender men are at a higher risk of these kinds of violence than any other gender minority. When looking into multiple different studies citing the rate of sexual abuse against trans people, roughly half of all transmasculine respondents cite being sexually abused at some point in their lives. Some have been sexually abused as children and are often told by adult authority figures in their lives that the reason that they’re transgender now is because they were sexually abused, while often not doing anything about it in the first place. A lot of transgender men were sexually abused multiple times in their lives. A lot of transgender men have been sexually abused because they are transgender, which we in the community call “corrective rape.”

Corrective rape is a form of rape that is used as a form of control specifically against a queer or trans person’s identity. It is an act of sexual violence with the main objective to be to “fix” a queer or transgender person’s identity, or “correct” it. Most people think of lesbian women when they think of corrective rape, but a lot of people don’t think about how it affects trans men differently than it would a lesbian woman. Corrective rape for trans men is often times used alongside forcibly detransitioning them. A widespread concern and fear among transgender men is forced pregnancy, especially in areas where abortion is inaccessible. Even in areas where abortion is legal, transgender men still face barriers in getting abortions due to their gender identity and presentation. Some trans men choose to closet themselves and present as cis women to access reproductive and vaginal health services, but a lot of trans men are at a point in their transition where they can’t do that anymore. Many trans men have to fight tooth and nail to get sterilized, hysterectomies, and care that they might not even get somebody to perform on them as a transgender man. Sexual violence against trans men is often similar to the violence that women experience, but is twisted and complicated by our trans identities, and often time it only makes it harder.

Even within the trans and queer community, there is the expectation that trans men want to/will use our natal genitalia during sex, whether that be having vaginal sex, being “eaten out,” or even just having our clothes off. In 2021, sometime between September and November, I was correctively raped by a cis bisexual man I was dating for a couple of months at that time. I had just started testosterone and I was insecure and desperate for someone to support me in this gender journey I have largely done/funded myself with little to no support from the people around me. I had known myself as a trans man for about 3 years by then, and I had a pretty clear-cut idea of what I wanted for my transition, and by extension, what I was comfortable with sexually. I had identified as anal only for a while, but wasn’t doing anal at that time. I would just top, and up until this point, I exclusively topped him. He hadn’t seen me naked. He hadn’t even seen me with my shirt off. I probably should’ve seen it coming, he kept pressuring me to let him “eat me out” and was talking about wanting kids with me. He called me a femboy when he first learned I was trans, and made several digs at me for being transgender, clearly he didn’t “want” to be dating a trans person. Why he did, I don’t know. But one day, he cornered me alone in my parents house, and pressured me to take off my pants and let him put his penis in my vagina. Later on, he broke up with me. I was “all of a sudden” extremely suicidal with “no clear cause” and he said I was toxic and unhealthy. He probably still tells people about his schizo tranny ex boyfriend and how crazy I was without telling them what he did to drive me crazy in the first place.

He only managed to rape me on one occasion over the course of our 6 month relationship, but the damage was done. I had a serious identity crisis. The trauma of that experience led me to do vaginal/PIV sex for an entire 4 years after the event, which I realize now was a form of hypersexuality, or otherwise coping with trauma through sex and sex acts that I really did not want to have in the first place. The day after Valentine’s day after the date I had with the person I was dating at the time (we are now engaged) we were having sex as we always did. No different, PIV sex with me as the bottom as her as the top, and right when we got done, I was immediately hit with this crashing wave of dysphoria, violation, rage, insecurity, and probably 10 million other feelings that I can’t name. I tend to describe this period of hypersexuality as “being asleep.” I didn’t recognize that I was essentially repeatedly retraumatizing myself, because I wasn’t mentally or emotionally awake. That instant was when I woke up, and I was suddenly hit with all the shit I had been sleeping through for 4 years and most of my sexual life. It still took me a couple more months to broach the discussion of no longer having vaginal sex to my fiance. Unfortunately, even in T4T dating, and especially straight T4T dating, trans men are expected to both have vaginas and to use them. I was worried about how I’d come off, especially after having entered this relationship under the assumption that that was how we would be having sex in the first place.

That was the day I realized that I needed Phalloplasty. Re-realized, really. I had known that about myself since I learned there existed a surgery to give someone a penis. I had had several other identity crises from the day he raped me as I continued to foster “community” with queer/trans people who hated trans men, but from that day, I began to rebuild my sense of self, my identity, and my truth. I am not nonbinary, I am not a butch lesbian, I am not a good little tboy that only exists for non-trans men to project their sexual desires of female masculinity, man-but-not-man, community-designated shields and t-dicks on. I am a trans man. I am a transsexual man who had halted his transition for years due to sexual trauma and retraumatization from people who hate trans men, but who would not anymore.

I saw this aesthetic post on Tumblr tonight. It was kind of a wavy “DVD”-esque thing with the words, “AM I BECOMING SOMEONE NEW, OR RETURNING TO MYSELF?” And I’m not really someone who gets a lot from art besides “woah, cool,” but that one really spoke to me. This is who I’ve been the whole time I’ve known who I was. This has always been what I wanted. I had wanted Phalloplasty since I learned they do those, I had wanted HRT and top surgery equally as long, even if there was a period where people who hated trans men had me convinced that I would be fine having boobs. I have had top surgery since then, and I have a Phalloplasty consultation scheduled, including a vaginectomy. All power to those who want to have a penis and a vagina, but I don’t want a vagina, I want a penis. I’ve had people expect me to change my transition goals around because they think it’d be hot if they could get me pregnant, or if I didn’t have nipples, or if I had both sets of genitals, or they “just prefer hairless femboys,” or they just “love “boypussy” so much,” but I will never let another fucking person influence who I am ever again.

I just got this new packer, a Peecock Prosthetics packer. The gen 5, it was around $515 including the faster shipping that I treated myself to. It comes with a clear strap that attaches to the prosthetic with hooks you insert into the divots, and you can put it on yourself like that. I hate shaving because it makes me dysphoric, so adhesive prosthetics were always out of the question, and packing underwear fit me weird because I’m fat. This has been perfect. I find myself having to stop what I’m doing and look at it. I took two baths in a row last night and tonight just to sit and watch my dick float in the tub, and even if I can’t see it for whatever reason, I can feel the weight in my pants. My fiance said something along the lines of, “this is like a glimpse into what your life will be after Phallo, and I’m really excited.” She’s probably more excited about me getting this surgery than I am. I don’t know if I would have gotten nearly as far in this journey if I didn’t make a point to surround myself with other queer and trans people who love trans men, including my partner through so much of my self discovery, undiscovery, and rediscovery.