...sometimes I get all soul-searchy

this is a place to jot down words from my brain as necessary to handle all the mind-mess that comes from being trans.

[transmeow]

I can finally grow up!

One of the things I’ve discovered as I transition is that I’ve been terrified of growing up.  Well, “terrified” might not be the right word... perhaps more that I thought it was impossible for me to grow up.  It was simply impossible for me to envision a future where I looked like a grown-up; thus, I couldn’t grow up.

It’s not like I didn’t have successful role models in my life -- my parents were great professional adults who looked the part.  However, when mom was in her business pants suits, ready to kick some financial butt, I couldn’t ever see myself in those clothes.  When my dad rocked the blazer and jeans power look, I liked the style but realized it would never look like that on me due to my female body.  This same story repeated itself for every adult role model I saw -- I couldn’t see myself as old, or professional, or a parent, or even sexy.  There was no such possible visage of a grown-up self... which is scary and repellent.

So I hid behind my shapeless oversized tshirts and jeans.  This affected me subconsciously in ways I never realized -- I never considered professions, for example, where one needed to look nice.  This probably worked out the best, to be honest, leading me towards deep computer nerdery and success in the industry, but I *have* avoided any thought of management my entire career because of the implied professionalism. 

Until recently, of course; as my body changes under T, as I grow ever more comfortable in my body, I’m finally able to visualize a grown-up me.  I can see myself in a suit and tie, which means I was suddenly able to see myself in a management position... and I was suddenly less scared of it.  I can see myself as fashionable -- and now I find myself buying and enjoying fashionable clothes that fit me well and look good on me.  I’m finally graduating from the tshirt and jean uniform that I wore since my school days and becoming the adult I’ve always secretly wanted to be.  Sorry, Peter Pan.

It’s truly the mental changes as a result of my transition that are the most profound.  Sure, my body’s transforming, but I expected that.  I didn’t quite realize how much my brain would change.  The confidence, the ever-growing comfort with my body, the changing of my thought patterns, the adjustment of my emotions... I cannot deny my personality has changed, ever so slightly, but it’s a shedding of the shields I used to wear.  I feel better than I ever have in my entire life, and finally, my mind is happy with me.

[transmeow]

Long time, no update.

I’m still alive!  It’s been 275 days since I started Testosterone, or a hair over 9 months.  A lot has changed... while, paradoxically, it feels like not much has changed at all.  Let’s do a lil’ recap, shall we?

I’m down to 172lbs and 21% body fat, 50lbs since I changed my lifestyle and started to lose weight, and I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in in my life.  My shoulders are noticeably broader than my hips, and muscle is starting to develop even though I’m not trying very hard at all.  Hair, hair everywhere, though I still can’t grow anything but a teenager pube-stache and a sparse lil’ neckbeard.  My voice is continually lowering gradually and I can’t hit as high notes anymore.

I’ve mentally gotten used to all these changes, though.  It’s great, I’ve hit some sort of mental equilibrium, where I’m no longer freaking out looking forward to change and I’ve taken a more lackadaisical approach to my transition.  I just go with the flow now.  I don’t get upset if someone misgenders me, whatever, all in due time.  I’ve accepted that transitioning is no longer the goal -- it’s the current process, and I’m just in it for the ride now.  It’s liberating and comforting knowing that there’s nothing I can do but wait... just keep doing what I’m doing and I’ll finally become what I’ve always wanted to be.

My girlfriend and I enjoyed a holiday in Europe in February, starting in Portugal and traveling through Spain, France, Italy, Austria and Germany to get to Amsterdam.  I had absolutely no issues anywhere I went, and I think I was only misgendered once or twice the entire time.  It was no concern to anybody.  At one point, I got a nice deep tissue massage at a spa, and I heard the masseuse gasp as she folded back the towel and realized I had breasts, followed by a hasty “Sorry, sorry!” followed by folding the towel back up.  The massage continued per normal and I returned to the male locker room to change -- nobody cared beyond an understandable confusing moment that was handled tactfully.

In other news, just the other day I received a call from Dr. Bowman’s office asking if I was able to make a consult the next day -- there had been a cancellation, and I was next on the list.  I of course accepted and found myself at the hospital the next day, filling out forms and desperately trying to appear cool while freaking out inside.  Unfortunately, about 30 minutes after the appointment was scheduled to start, Dr. Bowman came out and apologized, but an emergency had come up and we’d have to reschedule.  Again unfortunately, the next available consult date that would work for me is July 31st.  It doesn’t seem like much, but man, what an emotional roller coaster, to say the least.  Surgery is definitely on the roadmap -- the only question is when.

The main thing, though, is that the transition is such background noise now that I hardly even notice or pay attention -- I just do me, and it works.  And I’m happy.

[transmeow]

132 days: update

What a difference a month makes!  My body's pretty much decided to change its shape completely, which is fine by me.

The hair never ends!  My leg hair is nice and bushy, my forearm hair darkening, the forest on my belly is spreading, armpit is getting thicker and my stubble forever increasing (but still not dense enough to get away with).  I've noticed hairs growing in new places -- the underside of my upper arm, for example, which caught me by surprise.

Hips and shoulders have swapped ratios.  My shoulders are broadening and my hips decreasing, which is making a HUGE difference in my presentation -- way more than I expected.  Mostly, it seems, due to how clothes are fitting me.  Men's fitted shirts are now fitting me properly (instead of bulging at the hips), opening up a wide range of styles.

Voice: forever lowering.  It's a gradual slope downwards.

Hot flashes.  Literally like menopause, which makes sense (as my menstruation has, thankfully, halted)... but dang, I'll be doing just fine, then all of a sudden start overheating something fierce.  One night it was 3°C out when I got a hot flash walking home -- had to tear off my jacket and sweat for a while while panting.   Good times!

I'm being gendered as male more and more often; being misgendered as female is getting rarer and rarer.

Strength is increasing.  Part of it is my weight loss (40lbs so far!), but the Testosterone is definitely helping.  I'm hardly a buff strongman, but it's absolutely a noticeable difference (by me).

I've been getting... compliments.  My boss remarked about how "buff" I've become.  My apartment manager told me I was looking "splendid".  A Starbucks cashier flirted with me.  It's nice positive reinforcement that I'm doing *something* right :D

Overall, very positive month, lots of confidence building.  Perhaps the biggest single boost to my overall confidence was the combo of losing weight and changing body shape, such that I fit quite consistently into clothing sized men's small.  It's purely mental, but realizing that I fit well into a men's size and it looks good on me is nice, plus the fact that it's a small (when I've always been a "big girl") is a huuuuuuuge boost to the ol' mentalities.  Feels good, man.

[transmeow]

102 days: update

It has been 102 days since I started slathering Testosterone upon my skin.  Here's what's changed:

Hair, hair, hair. My belly has a little forest growing, forming a lovely sworl around my belly button.  My pleasure trail, which has always been dark and bushy even before T, is starting to darken and extend up towards my chest. 

Sensitivity. My erogenous zones are about 2348023% more sensitive than they were a month ago. Everything feels different. It's weird. Not at all bad.

Ingrown hairs. Part of the hair party is that my leg hair is furiously growing, though my skin didn't quite get the memo. My legs are a minefield of ingrown hairs.

Voice lowering.  Still happening. Cracking more often.  My voice is very noticeably deeper at night than it is in the morning.

More facial hair.  I suddenly noticed a whole swath of prickly hair on my lower chin the other day. Density still isn't huge, but coverage is increasing.  My sideburns are starting to dip.

Body shape.  It's changing. I've been losing weight -- almost 40lbs since August -- but in addition to that, my hips have been shrinking.  I've been getting some hip pain, mostly in my left hip, when I walk -- I thought my lazy stride was just catching up to me, but then with a shock I suddenly realized that no, it's connected to my hips slimming.  Them bones be a-changin'.

Those are the major changes I've been noticing.  People still misgender me, and I still read as a "24-year-old lesbian".  When I look in the mirror, however, all I see is male.  Young, but it's there.  Soon others will see what I see :)

[transmeow]

On identity

It annoys me that I feel I need to share my thoughts on this, but such is the world we live in...

I am transgender, in that the medical term describes my state in which my internal sense of gender does not match my biological representation.   Likewise, I am transexual, as I am physically modifying my body to become a sex other than that of which I was born.

However, I do not identify as transgender or transexual, as the words explain nothing about my character, only my affliction.  The way that I am is not "transgendery".  I don't listen to "transexual" music.  

I do not *want* to be transgender or transexual.  I just happen to be, right now.

I identify as male.  I identify as a geek.  I identify as an expat.  I identify as a linux user.  I identify as a Vancouverite.  These are terms that have some implied meaning about what I like, what I do, or otherwise how I am.  

When I've hit the point in my transition where I pass as male -- when strangers on the street see me and, without a doubt, see me as male -- I will no longer be transgender, as I will (finally) match.  I will be male.

I hate identity politics.  I find them demeaning and they dehumanize people while purporting to grant a voice, and it's almost always others speaking for me.  I am not a victim, I do not need help, I do not need anybody to speak for me.  

I am not transgender.  I am me, and I am transitioning.

[transmeow]

Checkpoint: 39 days

It's been 39 days since I've started taking testosterone.  The first 29 days were at 2 pumps of Androgel daily -- 2.5mg of testosterone.  My dosage is now 3 pumps daily -- 3.75mg of testosterone.  

Voice lowering: slowly but surely, my voice is dropping.  My throat feels weird and the muscles tired often.  It's difficult to describe.

Hairiness: my body hair is thickening all over. I've always had a pleasure trail that I've been quite fond of, and now it's thickening even more.  I'm seeing the hair on my belly darken and lengthen.

Related -- ingrown hairs: every other hair on my leg seems to decide it wants to go back to the follicle.  End result is that my lower legs look like a minefield.  I don't know why it's just those hairs -- probably something to do with the texture of the skin.

Related - facial hair: the hairs that are there grow pretty quick, but I'm not growing new hairs at any rapid rate.  I have to shave every 3 days else the chin whiskers are very obvious and visible.  I'm getting a few new hairs here and there.

Genital growth: without going into too much detail, I'm seeing surprising growth downstairs.  Sensations have also changed and sensitivity is increased.

Scent: my scent is changing.  I noticed a faint, odd smell the other day, and it's been lingering around me, persisting through showers and new clothes.  Realized it was me.  It's a bit bitter, with an interesting tang to it, and of course now I'm hyper-sensitive about it.  Though I doubt anybody else can smell it.

Greasiness: my face, it's full of grease!  Luckily no huge outbreak of zits yet (at least, no more than usual).  

[transmeow]

Appointment time!

Just had my first T checkin appointment.  As mentioned, I've been on a low dose of T (2 pumps of Androgel daily) for just short of a month now, so a followup was in order to make sure I'm still in the game, doing fine, no harsh reactions, etc.  I'm happy to report that no, I've had no bad reactions to speak of -- the only possibly negative thing to report is that I've noticed a significant increase in ingrown hairs on my legs, which, well, oh well.

Doc was sufficiently satisfied with my progress -- again, no huge changes, but I'm still feeling great about going on T, and coming out has helped a lot.  After a blood pressure check (normal!), she wrote me a new prescription, upping my dosage to 3 pumps daily (3.75mg testosterone/day), wrote up a lab request to check my T levels in mid-November, printed up a couple carry letters for "just in case", and gave me an order to return to see her at the end of November.

So I'm heading down the road and the training wheels are starting to come off.  Dosage increasing, less frequent doctor appointments... I just need to stay the course and ride it on out.  It's exciting; every step is one day closer to becoming the man I've always wanted to be.

[transmeow]

It's easy to forget

...that I'm transitioning.  Which is a huge relief.

It was barely a few months ago that I started addressing this persistent life-long issue head on and came out to my girlfriend; for a long time, everything seemed to orbit around my transition.  

It's actually a surprise and a bit of a shock to realize that I've mostly forgotten about my transition.

I don't think "do I pass?" I don't hesitate before using male washrooms (notable exception being at work, as discussed in my last post).  I respond to "he" and "him" and other gendered pronouns.  I refer to myself with gendered male pronouns ("Who's your daddy?").

Which is why it surprises me to be reminded that I'm still transitioning -- when random folks refer to me as female, for example.  When I'm clocked, it's confusing to me; "wait, what? I'm male! Oh... right... transitioning... guess I don't fully pass today..."

It's frustrating, too, since the things that tend to clock me are body shape, which I can't do much about right now; the T will fix it, but will take time.

It's exciting, though, to realize that one day I'll be able to completely forget.  Just... be me.  

[transmeow]

On washrooms

I'm almost a month on T -- almost a month since coming out at work and to my friends.  In this time, it's been surprisingly uneventful -- no awkwardness, no drama, no hate, no worries.  A few pronoun fuckups but people are trying, and I'm forever grateful.

That said, I still harbour some base anxiety from this transition... from the washrooms.  The big ol' bathroom question.  I've been using the male washrooms in public, as it's not too hard for me to get over any concerns by remembering that I'll never see any of the guys in there again.  

Rather, it's the work washrooms that give me pause.  I think it's because it's the most obvious way for my transition to sink in to my colleagues; right now, I've told them, but I don't look much different than I did before I told them I was transitioning.  Running into me in the washroom, however, would hammer home that yes, this transition thing, this becoming a man thing -- it's real.

I've been using the upstairs washrooms for the time being -- it's on an unpopulated floor, so there's very little washroom traffic in the men's room there.  I rarely encounter anyone up there, and I've not had any issues with anybody I *have* run into up there, but I still get anxious every time I feel nature call while I'm at work.

That said, it recently dawned on me that I just need to suck it up and use the main men's washroom.  It's scary, it's terrifying, it's scareifying, but using it and encountering my coworkers there will cement that yes, this is real thing, I am male.  It'll help cement it tangibly in their minds.  

But... but.... so scary.......... just gotta man up and do what i gotta do. :S

[transmeow]

One week on T!

So I've been on testosterone for about a week.  I don't expect to see many changes -- if any -- within the first month, as I'm on AndroGel, which is a steady, daily application as opposed to a bi-weekly shot that results in spikes and troughs of testosterone, and I'm on a half-dose, at that.  Irregardless, and perhaps totally placebo, I'm noticing a few changes....

* Hair: my fledgling facial hair is increasing.  I counted 42 black whiskers on my chin (yes, I'm that OCD), and I do have to shave.  I also have a few dark, bristly hairs at the base of my sideburns, suggesting it wants to grow down further.  My belly has also sprouted a thin layer of tiny furry hairs, though honestly I think they may have always been there and I'm just now noticing.  Maybe.  We'll see.

* Voice: it's been lowering.  Again, I don't quite think this is the testosterone, but rather subconscious manual lowering of my voice.  Others have remarked about my voice deepening, however, and it's cracked a few times, so...

* Sex drive: increasing, slowly but surely

* Emotions: calming. It's getting harder to cry.  Thank god.

The hardest part is not being impatient.  The changes will come, and the doc will probably increase my dosage at the end of the month when I go in for an appointment.  But I want the changes nowwwwwwwww :P

[transmeow]

Out and about

I did it -- I took the plunge and came out to everybody.

First was work.  On Friday during our weekly team meeting, I announced that I was transgender and am transitioning to male, and requested people start to use male pronouns.  

It was nerve wracking.  I was anxious all day.  I anxiety-shit like 5 times that day.  Then I said it, then I drank some beer.  Lots of beer.

As expected, my teammates were cool.  Some congratulated me; most nodded in acceptance and carried on with their lives.  

The following Monday was another step -- coming out to my company at large.  The organization is about 200 people strong, and my team about 15.  The CEO team sent a short announcement email to all staff advising them to my transition and to use male pronouns.  Everyone was cool, of course -- though a few were freaked out because the subject was so foreboding that they thought I was quitting or was fired at first.  To learn I was just transitioning was a relief.

With work done -- which was the most important to me, since I see these guys daily, constantly, and I kind of care about them.  With that down, I was so incredibly relieved... I could finally exhale.  Finally move on from that milestone and tackle the other tasks.

Coming out to extended family?  Bam, sent an email explaining everything.  Positive responses all around.

Coming out to friends at large?  Bam, Facebook/G+/etc posts explaining my transition.  Positive responses galore.

I'm pretty much out to the world at this point, and it really is a relief.  No more anxiety from carrying a secret around.  Everybody has been incredibly positive, supportive, loving and caring; it's a huge self-esteem boost.  I feel a thousand times better, as I've shifted the burden of this whole transition business from me to them (it's now *their* responsibility to figure out pronouns! ha!).  I feel so, so much better now.

[transmeow]

It begins!

I've officially started!!!

Had my appointment on the 2nd at the TransHealth clinic where the doctor and I went over my labs (healthy and normal) and had a physical (a bit high blood pressure).  After passing his pop quiz ("Quick! What are 4 irreversible effects from using testosterone?" ...gah), doc seemed satisfied and gave me a prescription for AndroGel, starting with a low dose for the first month, with orders to return for another appointment in a month to check my levels and whatnot and adjust dosing if necessary.

When he gave me the sheet of paper with my prescription on it, I couldn't help but break into a giant smile.  I was speechless -- it actually happened. I actually got a prescription for testosterone.  I'm actually doing this.

I remained giddy for a good 4 or so hours. My girlfriend helped -- on the way home from the clinic, she gave me a little plastic T-Rex to commemorate the day (get it? "T" rex!).  I took a nap mid-day, while my wonderful girlfriend baked me some "T" cupcakes (they were earl grey tea flavoured and *wow* delicious).  We celebrated.  We finally exhaled after months of waiting, months of emotions, months of what ifs.

And I changed my mind.

Not like, "I changed my mind about this"; rather, I finally allowed my brain to shift from female to male.  I'd been holding back on it, feeling like I couldn't really feel male internally, couldn't truly accept it, until I started testosterone.  Since I'm not changing much else about myself -- I'm keeping my same name, I'm not "reinventing my image" or some such, just changing pronouns -- there's no "hard line" for when I decide to consider myself male. Thus I've decided my T day is that day, and my brain has decided to shift to male.  I've allowed myself to fully internalize that I am now male.

And it feels great.

Up next is coming out at work and to my larger friends group (close friends already know).  I'm scared and terrified, yes, but at the same time, feeling good about myself.  Feeling confident.  The hard work is over, now it's just smearing T gel on me daily for the rest of my life.  No big.

[transmeow]

So bad at updating :(

I haven't done much of any blogging since I was in college and had copious amounts of time available for LiveJournal -- doing this blog thing as a busy adult is surprisingly difficult.  Apologies!

Last time I updated, I had just had my first appointment with a doctor.  Here's what's happened since:

Labs I had to get labs done before starting T.  Makes sense, really -- gotta have a baseline before I start changing things, else I'll never be able to properly track progression... also it's probably good to know if I've got any huge medical issues prior to mucking with my hormones.  

That said, oh man I was terrified -- needles.  UGH NEEDLES.  I had told myself that even though I'm terrified of needles, I'm going to have to get over it if I want to transition, what with T and needles and whatnot (that said, I'm TOTALLY going to beg for AndroGel).  Sitting in the chair waiting for the lab tech to stab me and steal my precious blood, however, made me so anxious -- I'm so glad my girlfriend was there for me to squeeze and whimper at.  Forty vials of blood later, I was released.  I was pale and shaken, and it wasn't totally because of the blood they drew.

Irregardless, I survived!  One more hurdle down.  BC has a cool system where you can get all your lab results online, so I signed up for that and about a week later, I was able to pull my results.  I'm no doctor, so I don't know what it all means, but the system tells you the normal ranges of all of the lab results, and your result, and I'm happy to report I'm perfectly normal (a surprisingly huge relief)... except for one test.  They ran a testosterone test on my samples, and lo and behold, I score above the range for normal females.  Looking at my body hair, this should be obvious, heh.  All good, all good!

Parents I mentioned I was going to talk to my parents and tell them I was transitioning while they were here.  That didn't quite work out as other issues cropped up (family drama) and the opportunity never arose before they left.  I emailed them and my brother a few days later, coming out in the letter and explaining why I'm doing this, what the future holds, and what I expect from them.  My brother was, as predicted, unphased; my parents said they needed time to process everything, but whatever makes me happy makes them happy.  I knew it would be OK, they're good folk.

Work I'm preparing to come out at work.  I had a meeting with my direct boss and came out to him and told him of my plans to come out to the company.  I found a fantastic document by the Canadian Labour Council entitled Workers in Transition that offers a TON of practical info on transitioning on the job for both myself as well as my boss, HR, etc.  Working with my boss and HR, I came up with a transition plan and we all agree on it, basically setting guidelines as to how I can transition with minimum disruption, establishing contacts and support, spelling out my expectations, updating my gender in the appropriate systems, etc etc etc.  It's very thorough and gave me a lot of confidence sitting down with Bossman and HR that everything's going to be OK.  I intend to come out to my team shortly after starting hormones, and the company at large shortly afterwards.  It's scary, but I feel good.

Personal I got mah hair did -- shaved down short on the back and sides, and a bit longer on top.  Pretty standard dude cut.  Also coloured it black -- a far cry from my usual bright oranges and reds... but it's a lot more passable now.  My girlfriend has started referring to me as her boyfriend and is using male pronouns pretty easily now, though it's the auxiliary gendered language that keeps throwing both of us for a loop.  For example, using the term "handsome" versus "pretty", etc.

I've been focusing on eating right and losing weight, and intend to start strength training soon to try to build up my chest muscles in preparation for surgery.  It's still a ways off, but the better shape I'm in beforehand, the easier my recovery will be, and the better results the surgery will have.  I find that while I've always had trouble losing weight (willpower... what's that?), having a goal like "transitioning" is a pretty damn good motivator.  Additionally, I've got a newfound interest in my body -- years upon years upon years of not caring about my body, knowing that I'll never be able to make it look like what I want, so why bother?  But... now I can.  T will allow me to morph my body to what it looks like in my mind... so suddenly I care about my body.  And I am.  I'm down about 10 pounds from the end of July and I'm looking to keep going so I can grow up to be the buff, sexy man I've always wanted to be.

Soon.

[transmeow]

First appointment!

I had my first doctor's appointment on Tuesday.  I was pretty psyched about it, because honestly -- I've done all I can on my own, and it's time to start hormones and get a plan going for surgery.  

I went through Vancouver Coastal Health's TransHealth Specialty Care services; I called the info line and left a message, and a couple days later I received a callback offering me an appointment date and time.  Due to the waitlist and scarcity of the services (the doctors aren't fulltime and are only available a couple days a month), the appointment was a month out.  It's amazing how long a month feels, but the day finally came!

I headed up to Ravensong clinic, conveniently only a 10 minute walk away.  My girlfriend accompanied me -- mostly to support me, but she's involved in this transition as well, so it's important to both of us that she be fully informed.  As always, I arrived early (better early and wait than lose out cuz you're late!) and took a seat in the waiting room.

About 10 minutes after I arrived, two other transmen had also come into the clinic and taken a seat; it must've been transman day!  They were both younger than I, but it looked like none of us had yet started hormones.  I was called in first.

The doctor was a lovely lady, about my age, very non-judgmental and down-to-business -- just what I like.  I explained my reasoning for seeking treatment, my goals, and a rough tentative roadmap as I see it.  She took my history and asked about my social transition, basically getting a feel for where my mind's at in the whole process.

After a pleasant half hour, I walked out of the office with some paperwork requesting labwork, a few pages of legalese and medical info to read and sign, offering my informed consent to start testosterone, a date for the next appointment where I get my prescription, my girlfriend on my arm, and a big ol' smile on my face.

I was hoping to start T at the appointment, but I guessss it's probably wise to get labwork done first.  I suppose that makes 100% perfect sense.  That said, shit just got real, with the appointment, and I feel strengthened in my resolve about the whole thing.  Up next: coming out!

[transmeow]

A few thoughts on binders

One of my key focuses is on binders -- I'm frustrated by my breasts and thus have a strong interest in making them not there no mo'.  So like any good little man-to-be, I've been trying a few binders to find the right one.

There are a lot of different types of binders out there, but only a few places to get them from.  I tried binders from the Underworks, T-Kingdom, and Love Boat, and a few different models from each.  Here are my thoughts:

Underworks: the company mainly produces compression garments for post-surgery and body re-shaping, ranging from chest compression to leg braces to waist slimming and so on.  They have a specific web store for chest binders (which are just compression tops aimed at men with gynecomastia).  They are all pullover style, which can be quite difficult to put on (I required help from my girlfriend).  They are also the cheapest binders I could find.  They compress well, but the material was hard and cut into my skin in a few places around the armpit, and after a while, the compression started to hurt.  I wouldn't recommend these, and as soon as I purchased a different type of binder, I stopped using these.

T-Kingdom: this Taiwanese company produces decent binders, though I found the material lacking -- I purchased a velcro binder that is closed underneath the left arm, which provided decent compression.  However, the material that went over the breasts was thick and hard and scratchy -- it could compress quite a bit but was not very comfortable at all.

Love Boat: another Taiwanese company that produces, in my opinion, the best binders.  I picked up a pair of zipper binders -- one each of these two and I'm in love.  Both have a center zipper that makes putting them on a cinch, and the material used is incredibly soft and comfortable.  Because the zip is centered between the breasts, the compression material is across the back, so there's no discomfort at all, no sharp or tight points.  Best of all, though, is that they make me flat as a board!  I've been wearing these exclusively and am very, very happy with them.  Henceforth I'll only be buying Love Boat's zipper binders.  Sizing tip: I measured 104cm around my bust, which would put me at a size XL; I ordered one of these and while it fits well, I felt like I could go a size down.  I did just that, and the L I ordered fits *perfectly* -- it's tighter than the XL as one would expect, gaining more compression, but there's no discomfort and the added tightness feels just fine. I highly, highly recommend the zipper binders!  Additionally, their packaging is the most professional of the three companies... it's the little things.

[transmeow]

Appointment scheduled!!

Just got a call back from Raven Song clinic -- I have an appointment scheduled for August 5th!  The nurse didn't even ask me when I preferred an appointment -- they're so busy/such demand that this is the appointment -- deal with it.  And I will, happily!

I'm so incredibly excited.  It's real, it's happening.  That's right after Vancouver Pride, too!  Wowowowowowowowowowowow I can't wait!!

[transmeow]

The 'rents

Speaking of.... my parents are coming to town next week.  I don't see them often -- perhaps once a year, if that, and a video call every other month or so just to say hi.  I love them, but we're not close -- not even physically, as they live a country away on the other side of the continent.

That said, I am fully cognizant of the fact that at some point, I'm going to have to come out -- to them, to my family and friends, to the world.  Considering the momentum I've got going, with the intention to start hormones soon, it would almost certainly be best to come out to my parents when they're here next week.

Which is terrifying.  Except... not in the normal way... I'm not afraid of what they'll think -- I know there will probably be tears and confusion at first due to the shock, but shortly thereafter should come a wave of "ohhhh that explains *everything*".  My family is very open and accepting, as I've got a number of gay aunts; trans is a bit further pushed than the gay envelope, but it's still in the same spectrum and I reckon my extended family will offer a wave of support.  I'm not concerned about coming out to my family.

I'm more anxious about the whole "coming out" thing in general.  I hate it -- it's not for me, I've already come out to myself and I accept myself.  It's purely for them -- if I were to transition without coming out, everybody else would be confused and unsure and whatnot, so the act of coming out is to help other people understand how to deal with me.  It's something I *have* to do, not *want* to do.  And, most importantly, it's one of those "no-backsies" steps -- you can't undo coming out as trans.

Which I'm OK with.  However, there's a heavy weight to coming out to my parents -- it's a big, heavy step from whence there's no turning back.  I'm ready for it, and along with it, I gotta do what I gotta do.