There's so so so much to say, I don't even know where to begin. So I think I'll just tell you some bulletpoints. Fair warning, there's a ton.
- I grew up in an abusive home, completely isolated from anyone who could support me. Every thought I had was criticized to the point where I didn't even know how to think without fear of being hurt.
- I was very, very confused at the beginning of my transition. I didn't know the words for things, heck I didn't even know that being trans existed until I saw it online around the time I was 15. This lead me to end up telling my parents that I was a lesbian, when in all actually (six years later) I've found out that I'm a bisexual trans male. I did this because I was so desperate to know what I was, and to have a word that described me instead of this overwhelming feeling sense of I'm lost.
- In order to get away, I ended up having to literally run away at 18. I abandoned my family, my parents got a divorce (my older brother was already out of the house) and I spoke to no one but the friends I moved in with for 2 years. I did a lot of soul searching. I did a lot of finding myself. And I did a whole lot of socially transitioning. I worked out, I lowered my voice, I changed my entire wardrobe, and I ended up dating someone who very firmly respected my sense of male-ness and did all they could to enforce in my own mind that I was a dude. I was a manly dude.
- Towards the end of this two year journey, I rekindled some relationships with my family. Namely my brother and my mom. And things were very, very hard. My brother had always been my savior, so when I emailed him to explain what I was and how I was going about living my life, he was very mad at me. But he was mad for all the right reasons. He was mad because I didn't tell him sooner. Because I didn't just call and say it. He was impulsively mad because he thought he had lost my trust. When he found out that wasn't the case, he said, as he's said before, I don't care what you do with your life, as long as you're happy. Our relationship has evolved into the fact that he very humorously and endearingly calls me Brosis (and I'm ok with this. Let's face it, he was my brother for 20 years before this happened, and I was his little sister. He's working extremely hard to make this transition with me, and every step counts)
+To add to this, I've rekindled relationships with my extended family, which I was removed and isolated from at an early age. My mom, who had everything to do with this, got them all sat down before I moved back home. She got everyone together, and explained what was going on. She told them "Randy is trans, and he's coming home to live here, and I just want everyone on the same page." To which my family ended up talking and, I kid you not, the conversation ended with my Uncle Jim saying "Well if we're talking about important subjects, I'm gonna start raising bees." quickly followed by his wife, my Aunt Linda, saying "Absolutely not." It's sort of her catch phrase. And as far as a coming out situation could go, I believe that that is the absolute best possible outcome. Everyone said "It doesn't matter. It's still Randy, and we'll still love them." They all continue to struggle switching pronouns, and there are some family members I can't tell yet because of extremist views. But the important people are the ones who have accepted me and are trying.
I want everyone to remember that when you transition, your family transitions too. And what might be easy for you may be incredibly hard for them. Give them just as much love and patience as you expect them to give to you. But do remember that there is a difference between failing at attempts to change, and outright ignorance to change.
-I had always struggled with chest dysphoria. Always. I never knew there was a word for it but I always knew that these tumors on my chest did not belong. As of right now, I am almost 6 months post op. My life has drastically changed after surgery. And I want to let anyone out there know that even if you're poor, you have options. I had to take out a major credit card with a very dear friend who co-signed with me. It's called Care Credit, and they cover major surgeries, including "Cosmetic" surgeries, which currently with health care regulations Top Surgery is in that category. It cost me 8000 dollars to have surgery, not including recovery time, lack of job, and traveling. I will be paying it off for the next three years. But I continue to tell people who ask that if I wasn't paying it off, I wouldn't have a body to be paying for. I wouldn't be here if I hadn't gotten surgery at the time I had. End of story.
+ Being post op is strange. I do not miss my chest one bit. However, I was so severely dysphoric that even touching my chest before surgery would make me physically ill. Now, even after surgery, I have full range of motion and about 75% sensitivity returned, and I still can't just grope myself casually. I am very hesitant about my chest. After living in fear of looking down at myself for so many years, every time I do there is a rush of relief. Surgery is a life saver for me, but it was not an instant cure. I have many insecurities to get over still, and I can physically, mentally, and emotionally feel myself doing that bit by bit every day.
-I have not started hormones yet, and while that is my next step, I am confident in my decisions to wait. I have a ton of reasons for doing top surgery before hormones, but mostly it was based on my dysphoria. Yes, I dislike my voice. Yes, I want to grow a beard. But being on hormones would not have made my chest any smaller, and I physically could not handle the size of it. This is why I seemingly went the 'reverse' route, since the general concept is to do hormones - top surgery -bottom surgery (depending on how far/how much you're transitioning for your personal goals).
-I think that, in the 6 years I've gone from being a scared 15 year old to a moderately confident 21 year old, the biggest help has been, honestly, myself and my support group. You can be the strongest person in the world, and you still shouldn't try to do this on your own. If you have to go out and find a therapy group where you can have some acceptance and positivity in your life, do it. If you have to go find a non- LGBT group that is just a gathering of people who share a hobby of yours, do it. Finding positivity, whether it be directly related to your transition or not, is vital. And if you can't find it in your community, come find it in my ask box.
Things get better, guys. I didn't believe it as a kid, but I can tell you right now it's true. It isn't easy, and a lot of it isn't fun, but it sure is worth it.
