Sad & depressive thing I wrote. If your name starts with a J, this might be interesting for you. If not, fuck yourself.
I know whos fault it was. Doesnt make it easier tho
When will this shit fucking end already?
Seems like I only think about us once every two months or so.
Those times i feel like I am lost in the wind without a rock to be tied to. Without you.
No.
Without anyone.
Its not about you.
Other times i feel like I AM the wind. Passing by the rocks. Looking, waving, but leaving again. Trespassing. Those times i am strong.
Stronger than ive ever been in the days where you could still recognize me.
Today, the wind has left. Theres the old rock, I can see it from here, but the winds are gone. Only still air between the floor and the clouds. And im staring back at you.
From here,
You dont look like one little anchorlike stone.
You where a tower to me. A shifting pillar of stones balanced just in the right way to not fall over by themselves. But I was the wind. I needed my anchor, that you where not.
Its all gone now. The wind has moved on. The tower is falling.
But the wind sees all. Though im gone, I can still see that pile of viciously beautiful rocks in the distance. Once a proud tower, that i would flow around in circles, now scattered across the barren landscape.
If the tower where still there, that vain pillar of basalt i called home, I would still be there as well, as the wind. But that pile of rocks you are now is not a place i want to be.
Ive been here all along, like the time you where interested in the rain. It came and left. Then you claimed the flame to be yours. And it also came. But before it left, it hurt you badly. I cried when I found out.
I will leave as the hurricane as soon as I find a solid mountain peaking into the sky like a monolith. Or a canyon. Oh how i would love to caress the deep valleys of a canyon. I would get so lost in there and never want to leave again. Like I got in you.
But theres nothing around that old wonky tower that has long since fallen over. Wasteland as far as I can see or travel. Barren grey landscape, and the only thing i can see is a pile of rocks.
Im trapped in you.
And i dont know why but I cant escape. Just let me go. I must leave. I must see something else. I know there’s more than grey plains. I must be in the canyon. But I dont know how to find one. Because everything I see and everything I remember is a pile of fucking rocks.
Thank you so much, stupid piece of stone. One day, your endless search for the next condition will have you corroded into a stack of gravel, then sand, then dust.
Then, I will come and try to pick you up again. It could be just you and me. Dust flying in the wind. But by that time, im probably more than just the breeze i am today. I will return as a raging orcane. With rain in me, I will return throwing lightning and thunder everywhere and the fire that scorched you will regret ever thinking about the rocks.
But for now, I just need to leave. You where my anchor, but you are no longer. When all i see is the anchor, how am I supposed to leave?
Fucking help me already!
This is too much for me!
I am not strong enough to get away from an anchor so far. It always pulls me back.
And that, my dear delusioned being, is why I always get thrown back. I want only the best for you. And you know that. But I also need to forget you more than anything else. But how do you erase a memory that is consistent for such a long time?
I would love to forget you even exist. Even if it means forgetting how love feels.
There you have it, Jules. Thanks for nothing. I would have done literally anything for you. I would have murdered for you. I would have ended my own life for you. Just to be with you. Because I loved you more than I loved me.
Now I dont love anything anymore. Not you, not me, nothing. Its the only way i see. Allowing love would mean allowing my brain to think about you.
I know its gonna hurt now and im sorry for that. But this one first time in our shared history i have to think of myself first.
Thanks for nothing, dude.
Go fuck yourself.
Im stronger than you now.
And im the one who will laugh last.
One day youll think back about us and remember how great it all was. How i did everything for you.
Oh, and about that whole thing between you and that fire element guy - that one whole big thing you used to push me away - i told you before. Though the two of you where the cutest gay couple ive ever seen, though admittedly grumpy, I exactly knew that he was gonna hurt you again. And it made me cry so hard that I couldnt change your mind.
But it doesnt really matter at all. Youre gone, and im gone.
Go fuck yourself, Jules.
And please remember me.
Because I cant surely know if i will remember you.
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