Experiences and Ramblings about being trans

sideblog for personal experiences and thoughts that are about me and me alone. you're allowed to relate tho. As a treat.

[transtalesofdoom]

One year of Being Trans - A Review

If I timed this right, this post goes up exactly one year after I realized I was trans. Like, down to the hour. A lot happened since then.

I did some trial and error with labels, decided none really fit me, but settled on nonbinary transmasc to communicate it to others.

Picked the world's most stereotypical trans name for myself.

Came out to friends pretty much immediately, family to come soon.

Tried on a binder and fucking hated it.

Made this blog to organize my thoughts.

Deliberated on pronouns and how I want them to be used.

Came out to my therapist. Got a written confirmation for being trans. Scheduled an HRT consultation. Came out to several more doctors.

Developed a new, different kind of body image issues. Possibly dysphoria? Maybe just internalized fatphobia but for a different gender.

Worried about whether this new, more authentic, me might be unlikeable especially to my friends.

Looked at pictures of top surgery results and almost cried.

Hated my periods more than ever before.

Managed to schedule a top surgery consultation (one year in advance because waitlists are crazy like that)

Scheduled a different HRT consultation because the original one cancelled on me.

Learned a lot about trans issues and the hurdles in Germany.

Watched a new law pass to enable easier changes of legal name and gender.

Officially and legally changed said name and gender through said law!! Got a new ID, too. Started changing my name on all sorts of official documents.

Cried to at least one Philosophy Tube video.

Cried a lot, in general.

Watched a verdict take effect that allows health insurance companies to deny gender-affirming treatments.

Fought with my Health Insurance. Fought with the Committee that has the power to change these regulations again. Oh yeah also watched my government fall apart in real time and next up is eternal conservative leadership forever lol. Fought with my health insurance some more.

Wrote more goddamn emails than any person should have to in a lifetime.

Overheard my roommates talk about me with my new name and pronouns, several times.

Discovered a near eternal amount of bizarre gendered concepts hidden in my brain. (did you know hair is girlier if it curls right instead of left?)

Stopped hating my reflection. Started hating my reflection, but for other reasons. (Honestly I'm pretty sure that one's a depression thing)

Learned a lot about myself.

Fully moved past the concept of gender as it's enforced today.

Played a Pokemon game with my real name for probably the first time since I was 9.

Learned an absurd amount of platypus facts.

Felt so drained and tired almost every day, fighting for my basic rights and personal fulfillment.

Lived more as myself than ever before in my whole life. Finally took an interest in the person I am. Finally took my existence into my own hands. Finally dared to become someone, rather than just be.

Overall score: 9/10, wouldn't miss it for the world.

[transtalesofdoom]

Three more months with my lame ass birth name

[transtalesofdoom]

As soon as it reaches my city of birth, it becomes official

[shamebats]

Some comments from an interesting Reddit thread I came across

[shamebats]

#also idk if it was mentioned in the posts #but ik for me as well #i kept getting told that not all women feel like women #and that its normal to not like certain feminine things and just bc of that doesnt mean that i need to "go on t” or means im trans

A psych I had to see to get approved for HRT said that this is something she hears very often from trans masc/male patients, that we're often told growing up that being a girl and woman just sucks in so many ways and going through E puberty & having a uterus is awful too, but you have no choice than to suffer through it and that every girl & woman feels that way.

It was actually trans women who helped me realize that gender is something you can get joy out of, it's not meant to just be a burden you carry for no reason other than biology. Cis women just made me feel like it was a cage, the best they could offer me was that it was all worth it because I'd one day be able to get pregnant and have children, but motherhood felt like yet another even worse cage so that only made me feel worse.

[transtalesofdoom]

Throwing this one on the sideblog.

It's so real.

When I first realized I was trans, I knew I wanted a mastectomy (I had wanted one for years), but the idea of HRT scared me.

There's a lot of minor factors to it for me. Some are vain. I don't want Yet Another Medication to take for the rest of my life. I don't want to have to maintain a beard/shave. I don't want to lose hair.

Part of it is that I'm transmasculine nonbinary. I don't want a fully male appearance. My ideal body type is Link Legend of Zelda. I am terrified of bottom growth. I don't want it. I'm trying to get rid of gendered appearances. I don't want to grow a new one.

I think a huge part of what scares me is that there's little to no control over the outcome. I've already acknowledged once that the body I inhabit doesn't feel right. And if I take T, I might have the same experience again. It's a second puberty combined with menopause but if you're unhappy with the outcome, you only have yourself to blame and you're not really trans and if you stop HRT the terfs were right all along. I also don't have a lot of male relatives, so I have very little reference.

On the other hand, I want parts of it. I want the fat redistribution. I want a beer gut rather than thick hips. I want a more angular face. I want a voice drop. These are also the parts you get told are your own fault. Your face wouldn't be chubby and your hips wouldn't be thick if you weren't fat. Just exercise.

There's very limited research into partial transition, like taking finasteride additionally to testosterone. Supposedly this limits or delays effects on hair on bottom growth, but really all we have is one study and a handful of personal experiences. No doctor here would prescribe this to me.

We don't even have to get started on the supposed behavioral effects.

And so I sit on my fence, unsure if I ever want to take that risk.

[transtalesofdoom]

It's wild how much I will doubt my transition plans and whether I'm actually trans, and if I actually want top surgery or just don't like having the chest of a fat person above the age of 18.

And then every time I look at pictures of trans mascs post surgery, I almost start crying. I feel my entire soul resonate with these photos in a way I can only describe as secondhand euphoria.

[transtalesofdoom]

"Ohh but what if I'm not actually trans" I say, while longing to have my breasts removed but still can't decide if I'd like to get a tattoo some day.

[transtalesofdoom]

I don't intend to go on HRT, but it would be very funny to have a transphobe confront me about taking hormones and changing my natural body's functions.

I have a dysfunctional thyroid. I have been taking hormones for that since age nine, otherwise I would currently be dead.

[transtalesofdoom]

Very recently discovered that my thyroid meds are literally considered a hormone replacement therapy.

I've been on HRT since I was nine.

I should go find a transphobe and tell them that; it'll be funny

[transtalesofdoom]

Three more months with my lame ass birth name

[genderqueerdykes]

"are you TME or TMA?" is literally just asking "are you AMAB or AFAB?" with different letters because all the nuance of the experiences of being trans are completely lost by the people who use them. every single one of them. it's a very common occurrence for trans men and intersex people of any identity (and other trans people for that matter) to be read as trans women in public by strangers due to how few people even know what trans men or intersex people are and jump to assume that we're transfem, meaning that loads of trans men and intersex across the globe are affected by transmisogyny every single day, but nobody cares about that because what they're more concerned about is your genitals. again. this is just "what's in your pants" repackaged again for the 999999999th time. good job.

[transtalesofdoom]

Had a pretty long post drafted up and unfinished about transphobia discourse and labels like TME, TMA, transandrophobia/transmisandry and so on. But I don't feel like putting out many words when few words do trick.

It's all the same shit. Even when I was still a woman, I knew that the sexism in everyday life disadvantages men as well. Less than women, yes, but it is still a problem. You can split it into misogyny and misandry or androphobia or whatever word you like, and for a lot of discussion that is necessary, but they're still subgroups of sexism and they're linked forever and ever. They're two sides of the same shit-caked coin.

You've got the same with transphobia. There's transmisogyny and there's [word of choice for bigotry against transmascs]. Transmisogyny is more prevalent and more harmful, and transmascs face both similar and different issues on a smaller scale. They're still subgroups of transphobia and they're linked forever and ever. They're two sides of the same shit-caked coin.

If you want to push it further; transphobia derives heavily from sexism. They're different sides of the same shit-caked... dice?

It's all fucked, be kind to each other, transphobia affects us all. And I mean all.

[transtalesofdoom]

It's wild how much I will doubt my transition plans and whether I'm actually trans, and if I actually want top surgery or just don't like having the chest of a fat person above the age of 18.

And then every time I look at pictures of trans mascs post surgery, I almost start crying. I feel my entire soul resonate with these photos in a way I can only describe as secondhand euphoria.

[doomdoomofdoom]

Thinking about how Germany passed their highly anticipated new trans law less than two weeks after weed became legal

[transtalesofdoom]

(putting this long and boring german law post here because it's trans-specific content)

Prev tags are technically correct; The law still has to pass the Bundesrat, but the funky new trans law (called Selbstbestimmungsgesetz) is a so-called "Einspruchsgesetz" (=lit. "Objection Law"). This means that it's not special enough to potentially infringe on the rights or finances of the individual Bundesländer (=states). If it did, it would be a "Zustimmungsgesetz" (=lit. "Approval Law").

What this means, put about as simply as my bad-at-law-but-obligated-to-understand-parts-of-it-because-im-trans mind can, is this: - 'Zustimmungsgesetze' require explicit approval by the Bundesrat. If the Bundesrat does not approve, the law cannot pass. - 'Einspruchsgesetze', like this one, can be objected to by the Bundesrat, but this objection can be overruled by the Bundestag. (Who, as we recall, already passed the law, so the odds wouldn't be terrible) - In either case, the Bundesrat would order a re-evaluation of the law first, which could lead to changes to a law being suggested first, before the Bundesrat comes to a verdict. - Every law entering the Bundestag has already been discussed by the Bundesrat. We know their stances on every part of the law. We can tell that an objection to this law is highly unlikely.

Most importantly: - The Bundesrat has almost never made use of the option to object to an 'Einspruchsgesetz'.

If you're still here and interested in the numbers, let's look at the stats 1998-2021 (as the ones from 2021 onwards are still ongoing): During this period, the Bundesrat processed 1820 Einspruchsgesetze. It objected to 31 of those. That's 1.7% of laws objected to. Of these objections, 28 were overruled by the Bundestag. This means that only 3 'Einspruchsgesetze' were stopped by the Bundesrat. (all of them during the 1998-2002 period, btw)

In the two periods before this one, so from 2013-2021, the Bundesrat has not objected to a single Einspruchsgesetz. (I'm struggling a bit to decipher the numbers of the ongoing period, but if I'm reading them right, there has been no objection there either, which puts us on a 10+ year streak!)

TLDR: The Bundesrat is almost definitely going to pass the law without objection. We are getting new names and genders to go along with our weed!

(btw sorry to hear about your weed problems, bavarians, but that sounds like a skill issue)

[transtalesofdoom]

Figured I'd update this one more time: The law was discussed by the Bundesrat on May 17th. It was passed without objection.

This means I (and every other german citizen) can hand in paperwork for my new name and gender in August, and have them be official in November.

[transtalesofdoom]

Posts I wanna make that are either too short/undercooked or too long/exhausting to write atm:

So many trans doubts

Misgendering myself

Fluidity of gender/"Am I genderfluid or just still figuring things out"

Transmisogyny

Trans and ADHD being the same phenomenon for me (as in a deviation from a rigid social norm and in another world would go unnoticed; figured I should clarify that one)

Thoughts and plans about medical transition (To T or not to T, surgeries, nipple grafts, end goals)

My therapist

Struggles with concise wording

Who to come out to, when, and how

Force-Fem kinks and being trans

Reinventing your internal and external self simultaneously

Voice

Perceiving my body differently

Short Hair

Middle Names

Dysphoria vs Fatphobia

General Dysphoria/Euphoria Experiences or lack thereof

And the reason I wanted to make this blog, just so I could talk about it, but it's been so draining to think about:

The Binder Post

[doomdoomofdoom]

Thinking about how Germany passed their highly anticipated new trans law less than two weeks after weed became legal

[transtalesofdoom]

(putting this long and boring german law post here because it's trans-specific content)

Prev tags are technically correct; The law still has to pass the Bundesrat, but the funky new trans law (called Selbstbestimmungsgesetz) is a so-called "Einspruchsgesetz" (=lit. "Objection Law"). This means that it's not special enough to potentially infringe on the rights or finances of the individual Bundesländer (=states). If it did, it would be a "Zustimmungsgesetz" (=lit. "Approval Law").

What this means, put about as simply as my bad-at-law-but-obligated-to-understand-parts-of-it-because-im-trans mind can, is this: - 'Zustimmungsgesetze' require explicit approval by the Bundesrat. If the Bundesrat does not approve, the law cannot pass. - 'Einspruchsgesetze', like this one, can be objected to by the Bundesrat, but this objection can be overruled by the Bundestag. (Who, as we recall, already passed the law, so the odds wouldn't be terrible) - In either case, the Bundesrat would order a re-evaluation of the law first, which could lead to changes to a law being suggested first, before the Bundesrat comes to a verdict. - Every law entering the Bundestag has already been discussed by the Bundesrat. We know their stances on every part of the law. We can tell that an objection to this law is highly unlikely.

Most importantly: - The Bundesrat has almost never made use of the option to object to an 'Einspruchsgesetz'.

If you're still here and interested in the numbers, let's look at the stats 1998-2021 (as the ones from 2021 onwards are still ongoing): During this period, the Bundesrat processed 1820 Einspruchsgesetze. It objected to 31 of those. That's 1.7% of laws objected to. Of these objections, 28 were overruled by the Bundestag. This means that only 3 'Einspruchsgesetze' were stopped by the Bundesrat. (all of them during the 1998-2002 period, btw)

In the two periods before this one, so from 2013-2021, the Bundesrat has not objected to a single Einspruchsgesetz. (I'm struggling a bit to decipher the numbers of the ongoing period, but if I'm reading them right, there has been no objection there either, which puts us on a 10+ year streak!)

TLDR: The Bundesrat is almost definitely going to pass the law without objection. We are getting new names and genders to go along with our weed!

(btw sorry to hear about your weed problems, bavarians, but that sounds like a skill issue)

[transtalesofdoom]

My therapist is coming back from maternity leave, so today we had our first session in months. I sent her a heads-up on what she's missed, including my "egg cracking" as the kids say.

Talked a bit about trans doubts and health care and how it all interacts with the rest of my issues.

She was very kind and understanding, offered insights, and also immediately removed the gendered honorifics from automatic messages.

It's the small things sometimes.

[transtalesofdoom]

Had to email her about something else and mentioned the new name change law, and she replied that she was thinking of me when she heard about it <3

[transtalesofdoom]

Name Change Episode IV: A New Law

So as of today, Germany's got a new law on the books! It'll take effect in November of this year. The so called "Selbstbestimmungsgesetz" (literally "self-determination law") will allow trans people to change their legal names and gender much, much more easily.

Here's a "quick" summary of my understanding:

There is a 3 month waiting period between your request for a name/gender change and the change actually taking effect. (As such, you may already file your request in August to have it kick in simultaneously with the new law.)

Requests must be accompanied by a statement that you understand what you are doing and what consequences this will have.

Kids have to be in agreement with their parents to file a request. If they disagree, a court will decide whether the request can be granted or not.

Adults cannot change their name and gender again for a year. Children are exempt from this waiting period.

If you revert to a previous gender, you must also revert to the names you had at this point. (ie, if I were to detransition, I would return to my birth name. I would not be allowed to choose a new female name.)

You may request new versions of all sorts of official documents to have them updated with your new name and gender, obviously at your own cost. The old versions will remain on file where applicable.

Being nonbinary does not exclude you from laws using gendered language (ie "no man or woman shall commit arson" would still apply if you are legally neither)

Revealing or uncovering a person's former gender without their permission is punishable by fine (although you can probably only take legal steps if this was done with intent to harm you).

If you are legally nonbinary, you may request a gendered passport under a few restrictions (This is necessary if you are travelling to countries where only binary identities are acknowledged and/or you might fear prosecution)

The law only covers the legal, bureaucratic aspect of a name and gender change. It does not settle any medical or social aspects. As such, there's quite a few... "shortcomings":

Trans people, or generally gender-nonconforming people, can be barred from gendered spaces at the owner's discretion. (They may or may not have legal options to fight back, but at that point the discrimination already happened)

There is no clear stance on sports. Both inclusion and exclusion seem allowed. (Again, that's not what the law is for, but codifying that exclusion may be allowed is still yucky.)

In case of crisis or war, changes will still be granted, but ignored in regard to the draft etc. Trans women requesting a change during or less than two months before a war would therefore be considered male and drafted.

Overall, it's about five steps forward and one step back, and that's a lot more than we usually get. We can also consider ourselves very lucky that the final version of the law does not include the paragraph in which any name/gender changes were automatically transmitted to law enforcement. You can imagine how that would go.

If I may drop my long form serious tone for a moment:

AAAAAAAAHAKJD OH MY GOD IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED I CAN CHANGE MY NAME THIS YEAR ALREADY HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD HJBSAKJDSADVADAS

Thank you.

[transtalesofdoom]

Rant on the legal process of changing your name (where I live). (It's not the US.)

!!! HI THIS IS NO LONGER ACCURATE !!! AS OF NOVEMBER 2024 THE PROCESS IS MUCH EASIER !!! WORKING ON A POST ABOUT IT !!!

Originally figured I should start this side blog with my (not actually) tragic backstory or something. But then I wanted to rant instead.

So here's the current situation on changing your name in Germany, where I live:

Absolute fucking bullshit. Currently, you need confirmation from two separate doctors (three in some places) that you are a trans man or woman to request a name change. You have to pay these evaluations yourself. This also enables you to change the gender marker on your ID. You can take an illegal shortcut by finding a doctor to forge papers saying you're intersex, which entitles you to change your name and gender marker.

There are plans to reform this policy by November into a new law that allows every person to declare their own name and gender within reason. You no longer need to provide any medical evidence, but your name and gender cannot be changed frequently (you must wait like, a year? three years? in between) and when changing back to a previous gender, you have to retake the name you had back then. Still leagues better than what we have right now.

Also the names you choose have to be actual legal names. They will check in an actual physical book if your name exists. Thankfully, Germany dropped the requirements for names to be clearly gendered a while ago, but we still have a bunch of restrictions on naming children. (And I am going to assume they apply to trans name changes too but there isnt much material on that.) As a fun sidenote, you can legally name your child Adolf if you have a valid reason for it, but you cannot name your child Judas. You know, because of the negative connotations.

Source for most of this: My good trans friend who has a 5-year head start on being trans and the bureaucratic shitshow that comes with it

[transtalesofdoom]

Very important update!!!!

As of today, the new law has been passed! Barring any cosmic level injustices, it will take effect in November. Trans People in Germany will be able to change their legal name and gender entirely based on entirely on their own identity within this year.

The new law is far from perfect, but it is a massive step forwards.

I'm getting myself a new name for Christmas :D

[transtalesofdoom]

Rambles about TERFs, miscommunications, and echo chambers

Accidentally looked at a TERF blog and by accidentally I mean I clicked on it and scrolled down knowing it was a TERF, and didn't leave the very moment it made me uncomfortable.

Yikes, dudes. I know algorithm-based social media creates echo chambers, but yikes. It's so sad. They call themselves feminists, and I want to believe them. I'm going to believe that they want the best for women. But they've been so misled, so caught up in their anti-trans rhetoric, they've lost the plot.

This isn't something that's exclusive to TERFs, either. Every stance, no matter how well-intentioned, will eventually turn harmful if taken to a strong enough extreme. Let's do an example I frequently fall into myself:

"Gender is such a complex spectrum that applying a norm based on genitals at birth is detrimental." I think, if we sat down and discussed this calmly, TERFs and I could agree on this. There are more ways to be a woman than just one. There are more ways to being a man than just one. Neither is abnormal for not adhering to stereotypes. (Nonbinary identities are a different talking point for now, this post is getting long enough.) "There are no cis people." This is what I say more often. To me, it's the same stance, but I've exaggerated to the point of being reductive. What I mean is the same as the above. I'm trying to say that gender is too multifaceted to compress into a binary system, that the way we've structured the system makes it impossible to find any standardized norm that doesn't exclude a majority of people. I mean to convey that gender is an experience, and no person ever has the exact same experiences in their life. If I say "There are no cis people" to my agender roommate, they know what I'm trying to say. This is because we've had similar discussions. We've gone down the path from "Gender is such a complex spectrum that applying a norm based on genitals at birth is detrimental." together. If I say it to my cis cousin, he looks at me like I've lost my mind and tells me he's worried about the online circles I've been in. He has no context for my statement. I've reached a reductive extreme. If I now go into my local (read: online) trans positive echo chamber, I can say "There are no cis people" and some folks in my echo chamber will understand what I mean and echo it. And some people will not understand what I mean, but echo it regardless. And some people will fully misunderstand what I mean and echo it. I get no pushback for the reductive wording. They don't get any pushback for their reductive wording or misunderstanding. The cycle then repeats, until the statement has completely alienated an entire demographic.

The TERF echo chamber works the same. Every echo chamber works the same. The rift between factions and their respective echo chambers widens and widens. It's near impossible to have a productive conversation with a TERF, not because we're both bad at discussing, it's because we're working on entirely different levels. I'm not going to convince someone that trans people aren't evil if they fundamentally do not believe trans people exist. I can point to as many examples of trans people doing good as I want, but if you believe that the act of being trans is an inherently malicious act of deception, that won't sway you.

I've seen a bunch of discussion between TERFs and trans allies about whether trans identities, rhetoric, people, etc are dangerous to children or women or society or whatever. And it will never get anywhere. Because one side argues that a group of people should get to exist in peace. The other side does not believe this group of people is real.

I wish I had the patience to sit down and explain to every TERF calmly and respectfully why trans people are in fact real. Talk them through the science and the experiences of trans people. Show them why misogyny and transphobia share a common root of upholding the status quo and suppressing minorities. But I don't. I don't have the strength to repeatedly advocate for my very existence. I don't have the energy to explain that my experience with gender is both scientifically backed and valid even without scientific backing. I don't have the patience to convince people that I'm not a threat to anything but the status quo, and that the status quo should be abolished.

I'm a feminist. I'm a trans. I'm a woman. I'm not a woman. All of these are exhausting. And they'd be a little less exhausting if we could stop infighting and focus on our real enemy: Ronald Reagan.

Recommended reading: my post on the connection between transphobia and misogyny.

If you've read this far, and you'd like to engage in discussion, do so respectfully. I will block anyone who completely ignores the point of this post and resorts to attacks rather than dialing it down to find common ground to work from. Good faith discussion only and from all sides. I'm not your battleground. I'm tired.

I also welcome the addition of any comprehensive, accurate, and respectful source.

[transtalesofdoom]

The link between the patriarchy and transphobia becomes incredibly obvious once you realize that most, if not all, transphobia is about women being victims.

Trans Women are framed as men trying to take advantage of the inherently weaker """normal""" and innocent (read: cis) women. Invading their safe spaces. Following them into bathrooms and changing rooms to assault them. Competing against them to gain an unfair advantage (that they have because they're just naturally stronger, faster, smarter, tougher, etc). Taking away resources from the poor, disadvantaged women.

This rhetoric never acknowledges the sexism it's based on, nor questions the reason why women would need separate spaces in the first place. Women are victims, but if we blame the trans ones, we don't have to acknowledge what they're actually victims of.

Trans Men are seen not as men, obviously, but as women who have fallen victim to harmful ideology. Told to reject their natural feminine traits. Desperate to escape the chains of the patriarchy, they've been tricked into perceiving themselves as the "other" gender to change sides. They're not men, they're just confused, poor unfortunate souls. Victims of indoctrination.

This view, which is common among TERFs, not only frames women as easily manipulated fools, but by focusing on that, it once again gets to ignore the wider circumstances. Which is incredibly ironic. The idea itself is based on the patriarchy and sexism being so awful that people hate it and themselves so much to join an even more oppressed minority, yet somehow it remains agnostic to the patriarchy as the central problem.

If we vilify trans people, we can ignore the systemic injustice. Hell, we can even reinforce it. Men are Predators! Women are Prey! Those are inherent traits they cannot ever outgrow!

It's vile.

TLDR: Gender Essentialism is the Root of All Evil and if you consider yourself a feminist or any other form of gender related activist, but cannot recognize this, you will fail.